Andy's Glasses

Today, in Washington, Donald Trump becomes God. He’s always acted in that manner but today will make it official. And following his ‘elevation’ he will issue his first ‘executive orders’. We don’t have such things here. I should add ‘thank God’ in view of our current government, or ‘more’s the pity’ with a normal government. Because we have something called ‘due process’ and ‘the rule of law’ and protocols of governing which prevent some great orange blabbermouth acting like a dictator. But Trump will issue his ‘orders’ and they will be immediately laws with no checks or balances, no debate or appeal. And who, in their right mind, would give such power to Donald J-fucking Trump? A massive number of Americans, that’s who. And his first ‘executive order’ will be an import tariff. Which greatly affects our trade with the US. But never mind, we have a ‘special relationship’. Had it for… long time. We’re bonded. There’s love. Unbreakable. Yeah, right.

So here’s the situation as it currently stands.

Kier Starmer reckons he’s Trump’s BFF. Going to do ‘special deals’ for us.
Trump, on the other hand, is taking action against Starmer for sending half his party over to American to canvass for Kamala before the election, and thus was ‘interfering in the elections in other countries’. Oddly, the same accusation our government has been throwing at Trump’s new BFF (at the time of writing, it can’t last), Elon Musk, who hates Starmer with a passion and wants Nigel Farage in power.
So Trump hates Starmer, despises David Lammy, even after ‘they had dinner’, because Lammy called him a ‘woman-hating Hitler’ not so long ago. Similarly, our new ambassador to the US, Peter Mandelson, was called ‘a moron’ by one of Trump’s boys. Which is deeply insulting as he is now ‘Lord Moron’.

Today’s ‘coronation’ of Trump is actually becoming a ‘Nuremburg rally’ for the tik-tok generation, even though they blacked out the app yesterday. It will be the most comprehensive gathering of the world’s right-wingers since Manchester City’s last spending spree. The only one missing will be the Grand Imperial Wizard of the KKK, and only because all those white robes clash with orange.

And yet…

Trump will continue to support Israel in a world where, quite literally, no-one else does. And if his presence in the White House is what’s needed to get the rest of the hostages home, then its all worth it. And that ‘all’ may possibly be spectacular.

Happy Inauguration Day

A xxxx

They’ve released 3 hostages. As per the agreement with Israel, who will stop bombing the shit out of Gaza for a little while (to be decided, depending no so many things).

Am I happy?

For those hostages; incredibly. I’ve found myself rather emotional all day when watching the endless videos of the whole process. How their families must feel. They’re alive. And free. After 471 days. Of God only knows what.

One of them, Emily Damari, is British. And furthermore, in case being shot twice during her capture, losing two fingers and 471 days underground with Hamas is not bad enough, she’s a Spurs fan.

How much can one person endure?

I sincerely hope she wasn’t watching the Everton match when she was taken to Kibbutz Be’eri. She’s human. She can only take so much. I haven’t been kidnapped at all and the match was almost too much for me to take. Ok, it ended better than it started but losing to Everton? Seriously?? 3-nil down FFS?

We only appear to have two players, other than our goalie. Djed and Dejan. Odd and oddly similar names but both were shining stars in a sea of…

But once Emily Damari has had her medical and psychological check ups and started her proper therapy, she may be declared strong enough to see our recent results. Then she’ll need more therapy.

But my happiness for the three women released is marred. Firstly by the other 95 prisoners still captive. Every time I see footage of those released I can’t help but think of the families of those not.

And secondly because this ‘deal’ basically collaborates with terrorists and shows them the virtue of taking hostages.

I’m also deeply concerned by the reporting on all the main tv news channels which describes the Palestinians released as the quid pro quo on the deal as ‘detainees’. As if Israel kidnapped them or that they’re just innocent people, an ‘equivalent’ to the hostages. Whereas the reality is that they are terrorists and murderers. They are Hamas ‘soldiers’, the kind who slaughtered, raped and kidnapped 15 civilians on October 7. To call them ‘detainees’ is pathetic and moronic. What are they scared of?

So 3 are back. To great relief. Spurs lost, to great anguish. But let’s keep things in perspective. It’s a big day.

Happy Sunday

A xxxx

Wednesday night. Spurs playing Arsenal at 8 o’clock. Lila and Joey having a sleepover due to… stuff. And Joey is currently football-mad. The ‘football’ bit because he loves the players, the stadia, the league table and its numbers, and the ‘mad’ because he loves Spurs and that can only lead to misery and insanity, long-term. And his bed time, ‘officially’, is about 7.00. Which means by the time he’s finished running round screaming and jumping on the bed, demanding snacks because he’s ‘starving’ and being chased round with a loaded toothbrush, 7.30. So a ‘deal’ was done. The negotiating team from Qatar was brought in with me, Joey and his mum. Joe Biden was involved by went to Kuwait by mistake. Donald Trumps boys made it. And we agreed that Joey could watch the first half. I would then be forced to watch the second half as my punishment. Lila just happy that she could stay up late playing.

I turned on the tv just before 8, put up Sky Sports 1 and… they were playing darts. Darts? Before a football match? That’s not the ‘Sky way’. Before any big match is at least one hour of ‘football bollocks’. Jamie Rednap, Micah Richards, possibly intellectual heavyweight Alan Shearer for some gravitas, maybe some old Spurs players, few Arsenal retirees, to discuss a match which no-one in the world can ever predict.

Anyway; it wasn’t on. I tried Sky Sports 2 to 19, nothing. Puzzling. I tried various other channels, ITV, BBC, Amazon Prime, Apple. I have so many fucking ‘apps’ that I’m going to need a wider tv to list them all. Joey found it. Ahhh, there it is, on Netflix. “Spurs vs Arsenal!!!!!”, massive banner headline. Great. Ah, it’s just an ad. You click on it and go to TNT and you can get that (fucking) app for just 30 quid a month. 30 quid!!! I’m a pensioner FFS!! I’ve lost my heating allowance! I thought this was a welfare state!

So we didn’t watch the football. Joey wasn’t overly bothered in that amazing facility kids have to just get over things in 3 seconds. And then spent the next 40 minutes asking, every 30 seconds, “what’s the score now”.

However, in retrospect, this side of the match, I’d like to thank TNT for being obnoxious, over-charging, life-ruining bastards and stealing football matches which I might have otherwise watched.

Unfortunately, Spurs match tomorrow is live on Sky.

Happy Saturday

A xxxx

Happy Saturday.

I was really upset to learn that David Lynch, the film maker, had died. Even though I haven’t seen one of his movies for decades. And, if I’m honest, I barely knew the man.

But anyone who watched every single one of the… 36? 49? 123??? episodes of Twin Peaks, when it came out, has a part of them that forever belongs to David Lynch. (I’ll make the assumption that anyone who really hated it, and I can get that too, didn’t qualify as watching all the episodes).

Yet the man started with pure film. Elephant Man was the first one I remember. And it was basically a beautiful and beautifully produced, black’n’white, true-life bio-pic of a ‘bit of a freak’. He then followed that with a series of films of seemingly increasing levels of weirdness. Of strangeness. Oddness. From Blue Velvet with its ‘dark side of the American dream, suburban world’, to Wild at Heart, the dark side of redemption. Always a darkness lurking somewhere. And after Twin Peaks came the awesome Mulholland Drive.

But film is limiting. You got 2 hours. Possibly 3 if you’re really pushing it. Whereas a tv series gave the man time to expand his horizons in all directions. And Twin Peaks expanded everything, to everyone, all at once. It was a thriller, it was a comedy, it was noire, it was light, it was bizarre, it was fabulously non-linear, it had horror, paranormal and sci-fi. And confusion. Lots of confusion. The most surreal viewing I’d ever seen. But, in common with his films, it had loads of stunningly beautiful women. To hold your interest whilst your brain was trying to make sense of it all. The music was ‘haunting’ and when the first 4 notes played on episode 1 I was hooked for the duration. And even beyond that as I went to the cinema to see the ‘prequel’, Fire Walk with Me. Which took the ‘confusion’ level to a degree further. Into ‘WTF???’

Safe to say: there’s never been anything like it since.

RIP David Lynch, you brought a lot of people immense pleasure.

Happy Friday

A xxxx

I wish Biden, or even Trump, had declared a ceasefire at the Emirates last night, just after we took the lead against Arsenal. But that didn’t happen.

Instead they’ve declared a ‘ceasefire’ in Gaza. From Sunday. The Americans, the Qataris, a few Egyptians and even one or two Israelis. It’s taken 8 months to ‘sort out the details’, but now we’re almost there. I say ‘almost’ because following Joe Biden’s desperate announcement yesterday, desperate because he needs it to be HIS ceasefire, and not Trump’s, Hamas are once again ‘shifting goalposts’ and its all up in the air at the moment of writing this. If I’d written it an hour ago it would have all been sorted. So I accept; it’s my fault.

What you also have to remember is that the last ceasefire prior to the current… shitstorm, was declared on October 6th 2023. And how did that go?

Firstly, I feel for Gaza. There’s virtually nothing left of it. So if there were any Gazans who were truly not Israel-hating jihadis or jihadi-sympathisers, and all the children, I truly feel for them. Unfortunately the line between ‘Gazan civilians’ and ‘Hamas terrorists’ is a very wide, blurry thing in lots of shades of grey. And yes, it’s been made even more so by the systematic destruction of their country. And the countless deaths. And I say ‘countless’ in the literal sense. Because no one has actually counted them. Certainly not ‘the Hamas controlled health ministry’ who fabricate the numbers for PR purposes. And choose never to differentiate between civilians and their soldiers in the interests of honesty or a good headline. The same reason Hamas chose to have its offices, its arms depots and its control centres under hospitals, mosques and schools. It’s called ‘human shielding’ and is only perpetrated by groups who have absolutely no care or consideration for the people they’re allegedly fighting for.

But the hostages will, hopefully, start to return. Dead or alive. After 450 days in captivity. I really have no wish to even think about how those days were lived. It’s beyond anything anyone who hasn’t been there could ever consider or understand. In return for each hostage Hamas get back 30 terrorists. 50 if the hostage is a soldier. That’s the current exchange rate. But initially it’s only women, children and the aged who will be returned.

Long term? It’s never really a term with any meaning or significance in that region but we’ll remain hopeful. At least for the return of the rest of the hostages.

And peace? That is such a ‘whole other question’ that it’s really beyond the amount of time I have… possibly ever. The Americans want this mythical ‘2-state solution’. The UK wants it too. In fact lots of people have thought it the best idea for decades. Unfortunately, Hamas don’t want it and never have. They want a 1-state solution. Called ‘Palestine’. With no Israel, Israelis or Jews. “From the River to the Sea”.

Which has its problems.

Happy Thursday

A xxxx

I overheard a conversation the other day. It was about Jesus. Two people in the pub were saying that Jesus was Jewish!!! Can you believe that??? I mean, “Jesus CHRIST”? The name kind’a gives it away, right? And everyone knows that in fact the Jews killed Jesus. Then ate him. It’s in the bible. Well, it’s in a book a bloke in church gave me. Which also told me how Jesus died to save me.

So I’ve reported these terrible, ignorant, offensive people under our wonderful government’s new ‘Workers Rights Reforms’. Even though they haven’t passed completely through parliament yet. But I’ll wait. Jesus told me ‘patience is a virtue’. Or my old RE teacher, Mrs Hangnail, did, same difference.

You simply can NOT go around upsetting my ‘philosophical beliefs’. And that’s what the new laws will protect me from. Even though I was eavesdropping, and even more that my ‘philosophical beliefs’ are moronic, illogical, pathetically infantile and stupidly fucking daft. They’re still ‘my beliefs’ and if you upset them you are in breach of the Equality and Human Rights Commission rules about precisely that.

I also have a philosophical belief that Leyton Orient are the best football team in the world. I sing it numerous times at Brisbane Road every week. And some bloke on the bus was spouting off about how brilliant Liverpool are, and if Arsenal just signed a new striker… well, any striker really as they don’t seem to have one, then they could be the sole challengers this year. Therefore, I find that so deeply offensive to my football team and my ‘philosophical beliefs’ that I’m taking legal action.

Therefore these new government measures which will protect… errrr… well, it will protect people from ever hearing anything, anywhere, which they might find offensive, upsetting, controversial, intimidating or just disagreeable, will be punishable by the full force of the law! Which might mean releasing a few more paedophiles and rapists from the prisons to make room for ‘two blokes chatting in the bar’, as that becomes a criminal offence. Along with ‘posting things online wot people might not like’, which accounts now for 42% of those now incarcerated, after they let all the murderers out to make room.

I wonder if Donald Trump will follow suit once he hears about these ‘Workers’ Rights Reforms’. Seems just the sort of thing Don and Elon would really take on board.

Happy Tuesday,

A xxxx

Today’s pic was Joey watching Spurs on Sunday. Unfortunately, he’s going to spend a lot of his life in that position.

Should Rachel Reeves have gone to China whilst over here the economy was doing bad things? If she’d have been here, could she have done something herself to prevent the pound slipping? To protect the rising rates of our national debt interest? Maybe stuck her finger in the hole where pound notes were slipping through in their billions to the nations who hold our debt. Which, coincidentally, is China.

I’m only writing about Rachel Reeves today because by tomorrow she could well be history. Consigned to the pages of ‘ex-chancellors’, of which there are many. I’m not supporting her. Nor praising her. My personal knife has been poised over her back since the budget day. Metaphorically speaking, before the police come round and arrest me for ‘posting nasty things’.

Rachel is useless. Catastrophic. Abysmal. Clueless. Which is why, even if the economy lapsed further into crisis, why would we want her any more involved than she has to be, whether in Westminster or Beijing? Its not like she can do anything. The damage was done when she chose ‘not to raise taxes’. Instead, she rose taxes. Ah, but different ones. And now businesses are preparing to suffer come April. And with that, our promised ‘growth’ gets ever smaller in the rear view mirror.

The government didn’t account for the rising cost of borrowing. And pledged not to borrow more to pay for previous borrowing. And Rachel has but one major policy: to stick to her plan. Even when its proven to be non-functional. So she’s still pledging billions to promote greener stuff even as the economy is falling and our international credibility with it.

However she did come back from China with a ‘deal’ worth £600 million!!!! Well, spread over 5 years, and 120 mil a year is not a vast fortune in real terms, in fact its negligible. Furthermore, ‘deals’ with China always come with conditions. Like: ‘we’ll allow you to import Stilton cheese and Brompton bikes, as long as we get to re-wire your entire nation with devices which report back to President Xi’.

So as the pound drops against the Euro and the dollar, borrowing increases and bond values tank, its nice to know that the PM ‘has full confidence in the chancellor’. Well, I’m glad someone does. She makes Kwasi Kwarteng look prudent.

Happy Monday

A xxxx

As as kid, I learned my geography from football teams. Which can be problematical, if you’re trying to find ‘Everton’ on a map. But I learned Manchester (up norf), Liverpool (up norf), Arsenal (Woolwich), Southampton (up south) and Birmingham (Birmingham). I learned about Real Madrid and Bayern Munich and Inter Milan. From the international matches I learned where France was (too close) and Brazil (too far). But I never learned of Tamworth. Until a few hours ago I’d never had any reason to familiarise myself with the location of either the town or the eponymous football club. But now it’s on the map. Well, it always has been: now it’s on MY map. 14 miles east of Birmingham. In what I call ‘the shit belt’. Which extends from Stanmore to Scotland, Norwich to Anglesey. I’m not a judgmental person.

But now Tamworth is on my radar. Not that I’m ever likely to go there. Unless they move it to Islington. Spurs went there today to play them in the 3rd round of the FA Cup. The cup of ‘dreams’ (and nightmares; depending on which side of the score line you sit), the cup of ‘magic’ and the cup of ‘giant killers!!!!’ Because, in the 3rd round in particular, when the ‘big boys’ start to play, it’s one of the few times when top teams play lower league rubbish teams. And I use the word ‘rubbish’ with all due respect. It’s how Liverpool played Accrington Stanley yesterday, and Manchester City played Salford. Both of which ended with convincing wins for the big teams. But it doesn’t always go that way. Brentford lost to Plymouth. Not so much a ‘giant killing’ as ‘the death of a fairly tall person’, as the teams are just about 30 places apart.

And thus dids’t the mighty Tottenham Hotspurs arrive in the Midlands on a cold and frosty day to take on the not quite so mighty Tamworth. Who sit a mere 96 league places behind Spurs. A gulf in class so vast it should be a race between a horse and a Bugatti. Should be.

And that’s where the ‘magic’ of the cup comes in. Tamworth, as do all clubs in such a position, have absolutely nothing to lose. Their bunch of players are teachers, bricklayers, drug dealers, who get paid 20 quid (or thereabouts) for playing their football on Saturdays, just don’t care if they lose. It’s what’s expected. So they ‘went for it’. And, to be honest, they did so brilliantly. On a pitch made of plastic and covered in frost and sand.

Spurs, to their credit, did not want to play on their ‘class’, it wouldn’t have been fair. So they opted for ‘parity’ and played for 90 minutes like a bunch of semi-professional, Midlands-based, construction workers having a kickabout. And thus it went to extra time. Or ‘extra humiliation’ as it’s sometimes known. During which, the inevitable fitness difference between the teams simply had to kick in. It’s much harder to be a ‘box to box midfielder’ when you had 14 pints and a curry last night.

So we won. 3 nil in the end. A credit to Tamworth. A bit ‘squeaky bum’ for Spurs. But we’re used to that. And at least there’s no ‘replays’. Not what anyone needs. Other than Tamworth, perhaps.

I might send them a box of grass seed as a little ‘thank you’.

Happy Sunsay

A xxxx

So I want to make an investment. I want to take £200, or £3000, or £45,000 and invest it. Thank you.

What are you looking for, exactly?

Errrr… that’ll be ‘money’. As much as I can get from my initial investment. Biggest return imaginable, or preferably unimaginable, and as little tax as can possibly be got away with.

Ok, well we have ‘The Total Bastard, High Yield Fund’. And we invest in armaments, mainly sales to ISIS, Russia, Iran and drug dealers; we go very long on oil, gas, plastics and methane; we’re heavily into seal-cub skin trading, the Chinese child labour market, Muscle Car makers, Paedophile Travel organisations, Chelsea football club and any slavery we can find. The market in shrunken heads is currently tanking so we’ll wait and see how that goes before re-investing.

Oh. You’re appalled!! Well they’re all very high growth areas and we can pretty much guarantee a yield of around 18% per annum. Not quite so appalled now, but I appreciate your conscience is important in your deliberations.

So we have the ‘Not Quite such a Bastard but Not a Very Nice Person Either’ fund. We’ll invest your funds into repossession companies, particularly of housing and children; Parking Ticketing organisations; Elon Musk’s ‘X’, NHS GP surgeries, META and Arsenal football club.

What! Still not ‘nice’ enough for you??? That yields 9.4%!!!

Ahhhh, you want ‘ethical’, you want the funds where not one single daisy gets trampled on; where no polar bear is at risk and most importantly, not one penny of your money finds its way into bank bonds which, in turn, may invest in any of the above stated, or Israel, obviously, or insecticides.

Then you need our ‘Moron Fund of Cloud Cuckooland’ (warning: shares may go up as well as down, but unlikely in this vehicle). The fund invests heavily into anything Vegan, tree-hugging, plant-based sandal manufacturers, Barnet football club, birthing stools and wind farms. The yield is such that if you only lose 10% of your investment every year you’ll be doing better than the industry benchmark for ‘misguided investments’. But at least you can live with yourself. Albeit in poverty.

Most beautiful, freezing cold day today. Alas, the most imperfect conditions for tennis. In any meaningful way.

Happy Saturday

A xxxx

Ok, we’ve had to make a few changes to the geography books in time for next week.

Greenland is no longer Danish and will now be known as ‘Greenstate’ and fly the stars and bars flag. Similarly the vast nation previously known as ‘Canada’ is to be ‘Canadianna’ and will be the offical 51st state of the Union. And then Panama will become ‘Really New Mexico’. Unless it ends up in a war with the Panaminians or the Chinese, in which case it will be known as ‘Vietnam 2’.

Other nations and sovereign states also on Trump’s ‘window shopping’ list currently are: Brasil, Ethiopia, Spain, New Zealand and Wales. He doesn’t want Ireland at any cost.

But I think its perfectly reasonable to just simply ‘demand’ that any country should just give itself up if Donald J. Trump decides he wants it. For America. Make America Greater. He wants Greenland because it’s near Russia. Well, fairly near. He wants Canada because no-one currently in Canada is fit to run it, and its so close that it might change from ‘almost American’ to the ‘American’, that most of the world thinks it is anyway.

And Panama. Specifically: the Canal. This was built by the Americans, who then let the Panamanians run it ceding total control over in 1999. But Trump reckons it’s his. And is now a security risk because ‘it’s run by the Chinese’. And he, obviously, hates the Chinese. In fact one of the ports is run by a Hong Kong company who, as part of the Canal logistics, will have access to information of all the shipping passing through. And send it all back to Beijing, like Alexa does.

And, being Trump, like a spoiled child pointing out all the new toys he WANTS, he is absolutely serious about all of this. And is not prepared to ‘rule out armed force’.

More importantly, Spurs won a football match last night. They beat Liverpool. Of all teams. In my mind, that makes Spurs top of the league. Well, they beat the top team, they should go top. Right? Even though it wasn’t a league match. Not the point. That’s the way it should work in a ‘fair world’. But in other versions of this fictional ‘fair world’, Lucas Bergvall, our goal scorer, would have been sent off just prior to hitting the winning goal.

Naaah. Don’t like that fair world, we’ll have to keep this one. Because in that other one world you’ll be in a situation of wishing for VAR intervention, rather than cursing it, as you’re supposed to. Cursing its absence is a step too far. And if you’re not happy with that goal, I don’t care.

Very happy Thursday

A xxxx