Andy's Glasses

I’ve decided to advance my life skills up to new heights and approach technology as mind-blowingly contemporary as 1996!!! I added face recognition to my phone. Thinking it would make my life easier. So I followed the series of complex instructions (“look at your phone, with your face”) and it gave me a tick. Green one. The best of all possible ticks. So I shut down the phone, opened it up again and ‘face doesn’t match’ was the message. “Use pin or fingerprint”. Because whilst I was there being a techno-wizz, I spent twenty minutes running my thumb across the sensor at various angles. And, amazingly, that works. But I want the face thing. So I added another picture. Not another face, I don’t have a second. Despite what you might hear to the contrary, with me bein’ a Gemini an’all…

‘Face doesn’t match’. I know I’m getting older by the day, but how much can a face change over the course of 1 minute? Perhaps my expression was different. As I looked at my face being scanned it had a look of ‘abject boredom’ whilst when opening the phone it would have been one of ‘excited anticipation’. These algorithms aren’t as sensitive as we imagine.

Unless my face is not my face, but someone else’s!!! Hadn’t thought of that, had you?

Anyway, I’m not sure I can change that face in any significant way just so my fucking phone recognises it. Though, touch of Botox…

The good news is: I played tennis this morning for the first time in 5 weeks!!! My hip is absolutely no better than it was 5 weeks ago, though, oddly, no worse either. And I played ‘cautiously’, and I’m not just saying that in case Mel reads this, but I was unconsciously protecting the hip. Which consequently, didn’t hurt at all! And as I couldn’t get an appointment with the hip dude until a week on Thursday, there’s no-one around to tell me not to play again. And as it’s not really that much worse for having played (just a minor hobble at times), that’s definitely God’s way of telling me to carry on. The world of tennis simply shouldn’t be denied this wonderful exponent of the game.

Happy Sunday

A xxxx

We went to Legoland on Thursday. I’ve wanted to go there for ages. Mel too. Even though neither of us is particularly fat, nor have any significant ink-work. Unfortunately it was the day we had the kids so we had to take them with, which was a shame because these places aren’t really for children. Too much walking. Too much queuing. Both of which we love but kids get a bit impatient with. Well, tough shit kids!! Because Legoland does make concession to children, but generally only either chronically obese children, or those who’d like to become chronically obese.

And I worked out that if it wasn’t for the queuing for the rides, you could actually spend more time eating high-fat, sugar-saturated, carb-laden calories to a far greater extent. Its almost like the rides spoil the fun.

“I’ve just wasted 28 minutes queuing for the Flight of the Dragon-Lion ride, (an absolutely brilliant 2.5 minutes), when I should have been at the hot donut stand”. Its like the opposite of ‘wasted calories’!!! Why don’t they put food concessions along the queue lines? They’ve missed a trick there. But when we came out we headed straight to lunch. It was only 10.30 but there’s no such thing as a free lunch, certainly not in Legoland, but there are multiple lunches, every time you walk past some food.

What shall we have? Burgers look good. Chips, obviously. Hot dogs? Fish’n’chips!!! Or, best of all, the ‘all you can eat pasta and pizza buffet’! Holy shit: THE FUCKING DREAM!!!!!

So its now 10.45 and I’ve scarfed down a 14 inch double pepperoni, quadruple cheese, mega-pizza, washed down with coke. But here’s the problem: that pizza would cost me… a tenner, maybe 12 quid. And entrance to the buffet is £18. So therefore, even though I’m full, I need to get another 6 quids worth in me before I leave. Maybe just a quick ‘spag-bol’ then.

The ice creams are massive. They don’t do ‘small’. Cos then they couldn’t charge you £4.75 a go, could they? And as the idea of ‘sharing’ an ice cream is simply beyond the comprehension of anyone younger than 75, you enter the situation where either half the ice cream gets wasted or you’re child is ingesting 300 grams more fat wot he/she really don’t need.

The I found a slightly hidden food stall with apples all over it!! Apples? Who fucking wants an apple when you have a corn dog and candy floss? But I was amazed, and walked round to find it actually sold ‘fried apple chips’.

I don’t hate the Lego company. I love them. I love their product, I love everything they make and do. But then they give the running of their theme park over to Merlin. Who run all of them. And their brief is not one of helping children to advance, they’re not a school. It has no dietary considerations, nor health in general other than that which is legislated. They have one aim: to increase profits. By selling things which everyone loves but really shouldn’t be eating to the excesses they supply them. With absolutely NO alternative options available. Because no kid has ever seen a photo of a lettuce leaf and nagged his parents to get one.

However, it must be said, if you absolutely love standing in really long queues, and would really like to become morbidly obese: Legoland should be your first stop.

Happy wet Saturday

A xxxx

I don’t know how successful sales of Barbie have been since they invented them, but I’m guessing BIG. And at some point, a massive decision was made. About Barbie’s feet. The designers and marketing people at Mattel had 85 hours of meetings and decided… that Barbie’s feet should forever and always be at 45 degrees to her leg. Ok, she’ll never be capable of standing, walking, running, playing sports or paddling in the sea. Unless she puts on her shoes. Which have such high heels as to create a level playing field and give her balance. (Note: Barbie identifies as a woman, hence the pronouns, even though she lacks a womb. And other bits and pieces normally associated…)

The Barbie movie is clever. Brilliantly clever. And brilliantly funny. It should be stupid, and it succeeds. But in a clever and funny way, so we’re amused, entertained and… given food for thought? Well, the whole movie is a recycled feminist treatise against the patriarchy. But here’s the clever bit. It comes about because the tables are turned.

‘Barbieworld’ as they call it, is a wonderfully happy, smiley, plasticky, ever-sunny place where everyone is beautiful and everyone is called Barbie. Of course they’re not all blonde, Mattel has covered every ethnicity imaginable over the years. There’s Ukrainian Refugee Barbie, Butch Barbie, Boat-person Barbie, Rape Victim Barbie and Woke Barbie. But there’s no men. Except… Ken.

And he has no penis. So living in a world with 7,850 total perfect babes is not as cool as one might imagine. But Ken’s not about sex. He’s about being noticed. Being included. Little girls play with their Barbies, but only sometimes will Ken be involved. He totally lacks ‘validation’ which he can only get from Barbie. One of them. Thus he has no control of his life or even actions, living only to serve Barbie. So think 50s, 60s Real World and you see the sociological and philosophical implications at work. Oooooh, that’s deep. For fucking Barbie!!!! How awful for men to be totally dependent on, subservient to and at the beck and call of, women!!!

When ‘the boys take over’, Barbieworld goes (plastic)-tits-up and its chaos. But no spoilers.

And there’s Margot Robbie. All dressed up in 57 different totally Barbi-licious ways. All pink. There’s some other cast members too but, quite frankly, who cares?

Happy Barbie-Tuesday

A xxxx

I’m so green these days. I have an electric car, which helps flowers grow and I even have an electric bike. Which must be better than pedalling because if I’m exerting less then I’m breathing out less carbon monoxide than if I was on a push bike and hence I’m melting less of the polar ice caps.

Because we’ve all become just a little obsessed about ‘green’ issues, the environment, global warming (only in Ischia and Greece, not over here, that’s for sure) and carbon emissions, particularly where ULEZ is concerned. Basically, we remain really really concerned about OTHER PEOPLE’S selfish carbon emissions. Whilst we make token gestures, as long as they don’t cost any money. Because once they start talking about Heat Pumps (15 grand) or solar panels (more) then it starts to remain someone else’s problem.

And this is on a personal level, but represents precisely the global and even national, political attitude too.

We do our bit: WHAT ABOUT INDIA? CHINA??? AM-ERRR-ICCAAA????

But in politics it makes it tricky. Because green is a vote-winning colour. And yet, there’s thousands of jobs at stake in oil and gas industries plus, obviously, lots of money to be made from drilling them out of the North Sea. And jobs are BIG vote-winners and yet these jobs upset the environmentally concerned.

Rishi Sunak has pledged an end to petrol/diesel cars by 2030 and over 50% of his party are opposed to this, seemingly quite conservative and straightforward measure towards our ‘net zero’ target, which will, I think it safe to say, will never happen other than ‘on technicalities’. Like the one he’s proposed whilst issuing 100 new licenses for oil and gas drilling off the Scottish coast. Because of ‘carbon storage’. Oh, brilliant. Which is almost like making excessive carbon emissions disappear but… but… but actually they’re buried a little further down the Scottish coast under the sea.

Rishi maintains, probably correctly, that, until alternatives are in place, people will probably appreciate the oil and gas because without it its going to be very very cold and dark in the house. Whereas whinger in chief, Kier Starmer, is one hundred and sixteen percent (Diane Abbott did the sums) behind greener everything and is prepared to throw himself in front of any proposed drilling rigs to prevent any further environmental abuses by this nation. I’m prepared to help and hold him still til the thing hits him. Because he’s gung ho for the green vote, even though he lost a by-election because of it.

And it does seem to be a political spectrum thing. Lefties love green and all want their grandchildren to hug trees. Centrists (like Rishi) are pragmatic, a little cynically disposed towards green noises, but realise its a slow move towards environmental perfection. Whereas when you get further to the right, they don’t care, aren’t concerned about the carbon and at the extreme end, simply don’t believe any of it. The Donald Trump end.

So I need YOU to do something about it, right now. Please! For the sake of MY planet!!!

Happy Monday

A xxxx

I’m going to see Barbie. Not the doll, the movie. I actually have loads of Barbie dolls, or rather ‘we’ do. Collectively. My daughters’ collection dusted off for Lila and then we ordered online about 75 assorted dresses/shoes/bags/shit from China for £3.95 (p/p included). So we’re stocked. And as such, I feel I have every right to go see the film. I’ve dressed and undressed and re-dressed and beheaded Barbies on and off for 30 years, I’m qualified. Paid my dues. And although its a girlie film, I can get in touch with my inner ‘lusting after Margot Robbie and in no way objectifying her fabulous body’ and my other feminist leanings and just enjoy being one’o’the’gels for the night. So, Monday night, me and Barbie have a date. I wish I had more pink clothes to wear. Do you think Margot might notice if I did????

I also want to see Oppenheimer, the tale of poor Robert who invented the Atom bomb then died. Not from radioactivity but suicide. Its also supposed to be a great movie, but at over 3 hours long…

Firstly Mel has to stay awake that long, itself not an easy thing. Then I have to cope with the aftermath. Because every film we see, however wonderful, however spectacular, however well reviewed, and however short, is summed up thus by my wife: ‘it should have been half an hour shorter’. Possibly 20 minutes (really good film), sometimes 48 minutes (average to poor offering).

The rather odd thing is that ‘pre-covid’, we were at least 3 times a month movie-goers. Then post-plague, its like once every 2 years. Yet I read the reviews and they just don’t seem to excite me. Maybe Covid, as well as removing taste and smell, also worked on film appreciation? Or maybe the movies coming out have all been shit. And then, like the proverbial number 23 buses, you wait 3 years and then 2 come along together. Phah!

The other amazing news is that, having been totally won over by an electric car, I now have an electric bike too. Every home should have one. And this one did indeed sit in my mate’s home for about 3 years on a completely ornamental basis. Never ridden. Other than when I borrowed it for tube strikes. So last weekend, after fraught negotiation, I acquired the bike, so it can sit in my house between tube strikes. Though I do ride it on other occasions, just because it is simply the most fun you can have whilst killing pedestrians. Riding round the pavements (some roads are just too dangerous to consider) at 20mph in a bike that weighs the same as a Boeing 727 is very safe. For the rider. Its everyone else that should worry.

Happy Saturday

A xxxx

The shit’s hit the fan at Coutts bank. Which is actually just a few mediocre branches of Nat West specifically used by snobs, snooties, debs, Sloane Rangers, minor aristocrats, major wankers and the tragically aspirational. Because its a 300-year-old ‘private’ bank. Even though its now owned by Nat West who are a bit private but not when it comes to government bale-outs in financial crises. Coutts has its own rules for banking there, mainly that you have loads of money or don’t bother applying. Fine, they can do that. Then came ‘Farage-gate’ and they learned a valuable lesson that 300 years of banking hadn’t taught them, which is: don’t pick a fight with Nigel Farage. You’ll lose. Better off to take him down a quiet alley and beat the shit out of him. But don’t try to out-smart him.

The ridiculous chain of events resulted in the resignation of Dame whassname Rose, the CEO of NatWest, quickly followed by that of Peter Flavel, CEO of Coutts. Whereas Nigel Farage is still gainfully unemployed, his status remaining the same.

Flavel had to go, even though, after 7 years as head of the bank, he had ‘radically changed its attitude to include environmental considerations and ‘diversity and inclusion’. So here’s a question for Peter: why do the terms ‘diversity and inclusion’ range from the entire multitude of gender/sexuality bollocks or non-bollocks, extending to all manner of deviations, opinions and attitudes and yet, manage to EXclude horrible, right-wing, Europhobic racists? In which text book or bible is it written that the only people worthy of being treated to ‘inclusiveness and diversity’ are on the left-wing or are wombless women?

I fucking hate Nigel Farage, politically, (in all else he is wonderfully good value) but if you’re preaching ‘inclusivity’ then surely that implies no bias against anything, including politics. Otherwise it is just selectively inclusive which is back where they started, just with different selections.

I only raise this issue because I feel that right-wingers generally get a really bad deal, whilst everyone else enjoys inclusion and the celebration of their diversity. I’m no right winger and yet, like everyone else, MUST be entitled to air their views, however much they differ from mine. Surely the whole point of ‘inclusiveness’ is to include.

Happy Friday

A xxxx

Its all about money. Obscene levels of cash. And all of it, seemingly, going to Kylian Mbappe, the French superstar currently (as at time of writing) playing for Paris St Germain. But he wants to leave and go to Real Madrid. Because Real keep beating PSG in the champions league so the rationale is: move to the winning side, rather than, ‘we CAN beat them next time’. The French have a long history of such a paradigm, moving to the winning side, like when the Nazis arrived in Paris during the war. PSG are so fearful that their star player will leave next year ‘for free’, as his contract expires, the Qataris who own the club paid him 100 million Euros to extend another year. Plus his salary, about 50 mil, and you’re already way over the line of ‘stupid’ and into the realms of ‘Middle East oil and gas’. But they’re paying him that so that they have something to sell to Real Madrid and will get 200 to 300 million for him, so it’s not a bad investment. But then, in step Al-Hilal, the Saudi club (yes, they play football in Saudi Arabia, and they have a Premier League) who specialise in sweeping up older players to give them a pension plan they could never otherwise dream of. And Al-Hilal will pay 300 million Euros to get Mbappe, possibly only for the one year before he goes to Madrid. And pay him in the region of 600 thousand Euros. But in a game ruined by the glory-seeking and sports-washing aspirations of oil rich super-powers, (I would have included Russia in that bracket too, but they’ve gone), this is so fucked up.

Yet, you bring in stars, you please the crowds. Or in fact you draw the crowds in the hopes that they’ll be pleased. Little Leo Messi played his first game for Inter Miami the other day. Acquired on a free transfer from PSG, Little (and a bit ‘old’) Leo was drawn to Miami by David Beckham, cos he doesn’t need the $50million a year really. Immediately the stadium was sold out. And oddly, not just by people (if you count Americans as ‘people’) who are football fans, but people who have never wanted to see a ‘soccer’ match before. In steps the little Argie and changes the parameters. More ticket sales, more merchandising, more tv advertising, the train moves on. Will it ever ‘replace’ the holy trinity of NFL, Baseball and basketball over there? Doubtful. But as a nice little ‘addition’, it could improve with the addition of the greatest player of 3 generations.

Will Mbappe bring those Saudis flooding to the games? Possibly, but the rather sick thing there is that they don’t do things to recoup an investment. Nor turn a profit. They do things like spending almost a billion Euros on one player for one year, because they can. And if ‘we’ feel this to be vomit-inducingly obscene, vulgar and horrible, really and unfortunately, that’s our problem.

Happy Wednesday

A xxxx

I’ve decided to enter the word ‘Starm’ into the English vocabulary. I starm, you starm, he is a total fucking Starmer, we Starm… ya get the idea. Its a verb. You’ve seen those before. Even if most of you wouldn’t know it was a verb. Or it can be a noun. Either way, it means prevarication, obfuscation, pig-ignorance, obliviousness, rictus grin, moronic behaviour, wet as a test match in Manchester, clueless and ugly. So you can see; it is a very useful word, possibly the most comprehensive insult you could ever need. “He really starmed me”, means you had the worst day imaginable.

But here’s Sir Kier’s latest lovverly dilemma, which he’ll doubtless be addressing with the same incisive, razor-sharp focus as he gave to anti-semitism in his Corbyn years. Uxbridge-gate!

The conservatives held Uxbridge in the by-election which, really, should never have happened and must be seen as not just a loss but a catastrophe for the Starm Party. The seat was theirs for the taking but they blew it for one reason. ULEZ. The controversial plan to charge cars which emit… stuff at a higher level than Sadiq Kahn can cope with. And he’s a Labour mayor, so its a ‘Labour thing’ in the minds of the electorate. Yet we all know that, whilst ULEZ sounds like a pollution issue, like its about a cleaner city, in reality its just a tax. Thus many other cities are watching eagerly to see how ULEZ pans out because they want some of those seemingly green pounds coming their way too. Thus elevating the debate to national levels.

Which scares Starmer because he has delusions of Prime Ministerial aspirations, even though he’s worthless. So here’s his dilemma.

Green issues are BIG. Any plan which even sounds like its ‘helping’ reduce carbons or increasing vegetable levels or stopping cows farting, is perceived as part of our ‘cleaner nation by 2026!, possibly 2030!!!, maybe2040!!! but definitely 2050!!!’ As long as it all goes to plan. So having created the ULEZ monster, if Sir Kier just starms it out of the window, he may gain a few more voters, particularly those who work hard and can’t afford newer cars, like many labour voters, but he’ll lose the greener vote.

Leaving him and his party on the political merry-go-round of cynicism and electioneering, trying to calculate which would lose or gain more votes, abandoning ULEZ or keeping it, whilst what he should be doing is working out what is best for Britain and standing firm, regardless.

This would be a big problem in my life if I didn’t enjoy watching the man squirm so much.

Happy Monday

A xxxx

I only read the Mail on Sundays. Its all I can take. But I have to read it, as many millions of Brits do. Ok, not the clever ones, obviously, not even, in the most part, the nice ones, the decent ones, the caring ones, the tolerant ones or those who may have voted ‘Remain’, or those who would send Nigel Farage on a boat to Rawanda. But the ‘others’. Unless, like me, they are people who read it on the ‘keep your friends close, your enemies closer’ principle. We are different to the normal readers in that we are way superior, liberal, inclusive, decent folk, lacking the others’ blue-rinsed, twin-setted, white and WASPish right wing reactionary stance. I make no judgments.

But its amazing what passes for ‘news’ in that sad little rag. Boris is a God, in Mail-land, his time as PM revered as sacred, like they previously reserved only for Thatcher. Because he ‘did got Brexit done’. If you’ll excuse the words which sound like something from the Sun. Thus, even after Boris has, quite literally and very thankfully, ‘left the building’, the Mail will truck no criticism or complaint about him. And that is FOREVER. So there were various articles about Boris critics, all hammered and slated in the paper. No weighing of arguments in that editorial suite, you slag off Boris, you are a baddie.

Next up is the BBC. Hated by the Mail. Possibly because the Beeb suffers from accusations of leftism, particularly by people for whom ‘left’ starts at about Moseley. So they found that the BBC’s environment and ecology editor went to Spain to report on the heatwave, and came back on a PLANE!!! Which emitted so many million carbons and other shit into the air. MY air!!! As if he’s Greta Thunberg and has to travel the world using only sails and electricity created using non-fossil alternatives. The plane was flying anyway. The BBC man didn’t increase its output. But they see this as HYPOCRISY!!! Which is particularly annoying as the Mail remains in the ‘not sure about this climate business’ camp for all purposes other than slagging off the BBC.

The only real reason to buy the Mail (or, frankly, any other newspaper) is the Sport.

And the Mail sports’ section was the same as that of the Times, Telegraph, Guardian, in bemoaning the weather. Because we’re in the middle of a test match against the Aussies and its all but won, other than a few hours required to ‘get the Ashes done’. Well, draw the series. But God has taken upon himself to make this as difficult a challenge as possibly by bringing the rains down on Old Trafford. Ok, you may think, it ALWAYS rains in Manchester. Yeah, but there are a few breaks in the cloud. Just the odd one. Just give us a few overs!!!!

Happy Sunday

A xxxx

I’d just like to say that, as a rather smug and superior electric car driver, the extension of the Ultra Low Emission Zone is a welcome addition to London’s fight against congestion and pollution and its quest for a greener, more caring, more carbon-free contribution to the world and all the polar bears. Ahhhhhh. And ‘the world’ as we all know, begins and ends in Uxbridge.

And on Thursday there was a by-election in that very place. There were two others but as one was up north and the other so far to the South West that the indigenous population still haven’t heard of the futility of electing Lib-Dems into parliament (about as useful as filling an electric car with petrol), we shall focus on Uxbridge. Because it is the seat so recently vacated by The Fat Blonde.

By elections are, by their very nature, no real indication of what might happen in a General Election. You can vote for who you like, to make a point, to upset things, for whatever reason, because it won’t make any difference to the political landscape when a government has a sizeable majority. And generally, the points and protests people make are against the government. No point making them against the opposition; they do nothing and what little they say has insufficient substance to warrant protest. Or even comment in most instances.

But the Conservatives held Uxbridge. Which, considering how badly Boris fucked up virtually everything and still may end up in prison, must be seen as a massive loss by the Labour Party. And all because of ULEZ.

Because ULEZ is the brainchild of the Mayor with no Brain. Not just a tosser but a Labour tosser. And as ULEZ is preached as a ‘green’ issue, it is not. It is just a way to raise tax. And those generally driving the older cars which are not ULEZ compliant, are the ‘workers’. The not so wealthy, or they’d get a newer car. But they can’t afford it. So instead, they have to pay £12.50 each day they drive. In an area which is very rural.

Kier Starmer was asked ‘will you cancel the ULEZ extension if you get to power?’ To which, being a total tosser himself, he replied ‘the matter needs some reflection’. As if its a theological question about heaven. So the newsman repeated it, saying that ‘that’s not an answer’, so Kier clarified it by saying ‘it needs some reflection’. Fuckwit.

I had to get some petrol for my lawn mower and just loved the irony of this photo.

Happy Saturday

A xxxx