Andy's Glasses

The prospect of a government-appointed ‘regulator’ for our Premier football league has caused concerns at FIFA. The proposal to have a body which SHOULD control how the teams and their owners ‘behave’, both financially and responsibly, whilst not joining new ‘superleagues’ and checking on the suitability of proposed club owners, may contravene FIFA’s article 15 concerning political interference in football.

So, to clarify: FIFA, the world’s governing body for football, is troubled by the politicising of our national game. Yet allowed a rogue nation of terrorist-funding human rights abusers to bribe its way to hosting a World Cup. In a death-inducing climate. At which it then colluded with the band of Sheikhs to ban mild statements of protest against the persecution of minorities. FIFA can just fuck off.

Ok, I really really loved this last World Cup, from a fan’s perspective. The football was just brilliant. Yet I realise that I still have some unresolved anger issues about it. Which, with my therapist, I’m working on. I’ll keep you posted.

Meanwhile, the ‘gift’ that is Brexit moves into its next phase. Progress sounds like a series of Robert Ludlum books, as we move from ‘The Ireland Protocol’ to ‘The Windsor Framework’. Rishi Sunak plays Jason Bourne and Ursula von der Leyen is Julia Styles so obviously this is more about the kid getting sand kicked in his face than the beefy-dude bully, but most importantly, Rishi and Ursula seem really happy with this proposal, in a smugly, almost romantic kind of way. And with so much lurve, what could possibly go wrong? In steps notorious bad guy, the DUP! Oh no, not those really loud, preachy boys (and gels) from Belfast!!! They’ve brought the province to its knees by refusing to go to their parliament for 3 years and they won’t have nuffink of this ‘new deal’.

Will this keep Rishi and Ursula apart when every fibre of their (scrawny, little) bodies is crying out for lust? Only one man can save them; the King!!!! Let’s get him involved. Even though he is possibly the most inflammatory figure for half of Northern Ireland and really shouldn’t be involved in ‘ongoing politics’.

Wow, this is so good it may go to Netflix!

Happy Tuesday

A xxxx

These are the 10 important things to remember about Chelsea:

1. I fucking hate them
2. I hate them more
3. They’re shit
4. I hate them
5. They’re violent and nasty
6. They can’t even get sent off properly
7. I hate them
8. Their manager needs to make the transition from ‘bemused’ to ‘sacked’.
9. Their entire ownership structure is horrible
10. I hate them.

So it was thus wearing my totally impartial and non-biased hat when I refused to sit down to watch Spurs play Chelsea yesterday lunchtime. I went out. Find those games unbearably difficult to watch. Yet I learned, that it was a game of two halves. The first half, in which no-one scored. And the second half, in which we scored. Chelsea didn’t but since being bought by the richest American since the last one and spending in one January transfer window an amount that would sustain the other 3 divisions of our league for two decades, they don’t win and they don’t score goals. Why should they? They don’t get paid any more to do so, so why would they? Cheek!

There was one exceedingly con-tra-ver-shiawl moment, I’ll relate it from my position as one of the league’s most accomplished referees. Even though I’m not. Yet still feel more accomplished than the geezer in black yesterday.

A fracas erupted after a poor challenge. If it was any other team(s) that would have been fine, but this was Spurs and Chelsea, so inevitably it turned into a ‘melee’, what you call a fight in which no-one’s allowed to actually punch anyone because you get sent off. But little Moroccan shit Ziyech hadn’t read that, or couldn’t find the translation into French or Arabic so punched sweetly innocent Emerson Royal. Who twenty seconds earlier barged into the Chelsea man from behind. But that is PERFECTLY LEGAL. And results in no sending off. Ziyech retaliated by punching Royal in the face. Which is definitely a sending off, but the ref, Stuart Attwell, didn’t see it. So as it settled down, Attwell received a call from the 4th official informing what Ziyech had done. At which point the ref. swiftly waved a red card in the slimy little Moroccan’s face. Justice done.

But wait, then the ref received another call, possibly from his mum, maybe from Todd Boehly, Chelsea’s new owner, telling him to look for himself at the incident. Which he did. We all did (even I was watching by then). And yes, the little bastard punched my dear wing-back in the face. But dear Steward decided it was ‘a shoulder push which just happened to end up in the guy’s face’ and so ‘removed’ his red card decision. Cancelled it. As if it meant nothing. Like it was an NHS hip replacement operation. What a tosser.

But we won. 2-nil. Which, however difficult it was to watch, is all that really matters.

Yours impartially

A xxxx

The leadership battle hots up, ‘up there’ in what is currently the northernmost extremity of Great Britain, though if they get their way, that title goes to Carlisle. Possibly Newcastle, need to get a map.

First we had ‘Katie-gate’, in which Kate Forbes was brutally exposed as… A CHRISITIAN!!! The worst thing you could ever be in a… errrrr… in a Christian country like Britain/Scotland. Because she’s too Christian. A touch too Mississippi for Dumfries and Oban, where they like their Christianity a little more liberal and inclusive than Ms Forbes would find acceptable. She did pull a Rees-Mogg who said, when he too was accused of being excessively Christian in a leadership race, that ‘he wouldn’t let his personal revulsion of gay marriage nor his abject disgust of abortion in any circumstances affect his political judgment in the wider social political context.’ His words may have been slightly different. But he was lying anyway. And it creates the impossible to believe situation in which you think one thing, with all your heart AND SOUL, yet are going to legislate in a completely opposite manner? Yeah, right.

Which is all in favour of Humza Yousaf who is, most certainly, no radical Christian, nor any other type of Christian whatsoever. He’s a Muslim. Ahhhh, that’s better, a religion famous for its tolerance, inclusivity, always receptive to modernity and concerned with women’s rights and gays. And although no radical type anything, nor a deeply religious man, he still consulted with the Muslim community leaders before abstaining on the gay marriage vote. “Ahhhh, I was busy that day”. And thus comes Humza-gate. Too influenced by Muslim mainstream doctrine and his community to rule in a ‘proper secular way’.

And for that you really need someone truly irreligious. Someone totally godless and more aligned to the devil himself. Someone like Boris. Although some concept of ‘morality’ and ‘decency’ might arguably be at least a minor virtue for a national leader.

Spurs playing Chelsea in 2 hours time. More stress.

Happy Sunday

A xxxxx

Its the anniversary of the war in Ukraine. Sorry, the ‘special military action, NOT WAR’, war in Ukraine. Depending on which side of the Donbas you sit. Or really, which side of Putin’s mind you sit. Because if you’re inside it (and good luck with that, holy shit!!!), you’re defending your country from the hostile and aggressive forces of Western Imperialism and their severe threat to the people of Russia. If you’re anywhere else, Putin’s a warmongering muthafucka who invaded a neighbouring country for no good reason then levelled it to the ground.

He amassed an army 200,000 strong and sent his tanks and missiles into a forrin country. How is that not ‘war’. He did it, apparently, because Ukraine threatened to join NATO and Putin fears having such a NATO-affiliated country so close. So thought it best just to destroy the entire country, all the buildings, power stations, bridges and anything else useful, plus killing as many civilians as his missiles could reach.

He has lost an estimated 50,000 soldiers. But that doesn’t really bother him, Russia has always fought its wars by throwing its population at the problem, and worry about the lack of men around later down the line. Men who might possibly work, procreate, hold up a shelf? Phah, who needs ’em?

He’s also spent countless billions. Which probably bothers him more. But only in as far as it might stop his not-war from continuing. Cruise missiles: million quid a ‘pop’, albeit quite a loud ‘pop’. Hundreds of tanks destroyed (by MY anti-tank missiles wot I paid for with MY taxes), at least 500 at a quarter million a tank. Bullets, food, lots and lots of bandages, say another few billion quid. And all for a nation sanctioned out of profit by export bans and with income streams severely reduced.

And I’m aware that Ukraine, as a nation, didn’t have the most appealing history, going back to some other ‘wars’ which were actually accepted by all as ‘wars’, but I’ll give the benefit of the doubt to all those who are truly ‘innocent’ civilians, just normal people trying to live ‘normal’, peaceful lives. Because what a year they’ve had. It makes Chelsea’s look almost trivial.

Happy Anniversary

A xxxx

Nicola Sturgeon is ‘istry’. Gone. In all but she’s still hanging around making a nuisance of herself in that ‘dead man walking’ kind’a way. Or perhaps ‘suicidal woman walking’ as she actually quit herself. And the leadership race is hotting up. In a rather tepid, low-key, never-eard-a-none-of-em sort of ‘hotting up’.

Favourite at the moment is Humza Yousaf, the man who puts ‘race’ into the leadership race. But he seems like a good guy. Decent and moderate, seems to have all his teeth, even though he’s Scottish.

Then there’s Ash Regan, bit of an outsider but I’d vote for her just because she’s got a bit of a Jessica Chastain vibe about her. Which can never be a bad thing. Sturgeon really lowered the bar for ‘looks’ in Holyrood and some may think this a trivial and relatively unimportant issue, but as I don’t get to vote, nor care who rules ‘up there’, its as good a variable as any for me. Until someone better comes along. Or better looking.

And then there’s Kate Forbes. The youngest, at 32, still officially on maternity leave, so we know she’s fertile, and an energetic and engaging speaker. BUT…

She’s a Christian! And with a really big ‘C’. The biggest you can imagine. She is to Scottish politics what the DUP is in Ireland. What the Taliban is to Afghanistan. A horribly regressive and ultra-conservative force, prioritising the bible over any kind of modernising societal reform. She’s anti-abortion, anti-gay marriage, has issues with illegitimate births and don’t get her started on anything ‘trans’ or she genuflects and raises a cross. Which is arguably better than Sturgeon’s proposals on that subject but would the Scots really want a smiling, female Ian Paisley in the top role? I would say ‘God help us’, but appreciate its a bit inappropriate here.

Its all very exiting. Relatively.

As opposed to Liverpool last night, that was exiting in every sense of the word. Though the words on Klopp’s lips this morning would probably be more along the lines of “how the fuck did we do that????”

2-nil up after just 14 minutes and then went into total collapse mode and allowed Real Madrid to beat them 5-2. Quite amazing.

Happy Wednesday

A xxxx

Sent from my iPad

There’s an American doctor, (they’re ALWAYS American and everyone there who passes their 11-plus becomes a ‘doctor’), who has come up with a nutritional plan to end what she calls ‘addictive eating’ or ‘cravings’. But what I call ‘perfectly normal desire to give your body what it is naturally wanting to redress an energy imbalance’. Or, in short: ‘chocolate’. Possibly ‘cake’… ‘biscuits’… ‘hamburgerS’… yeah, whatever. It’s just ‘nature’ instructing you unconsciously as to precisely what your body requires. When a pregnant woman suddenly starts munching sticks of chalk, you don’t send her to the Priory, you know her body needs increased calcium. Ok, a glass of milk would probably do it, but you don’t argue with a pregnant woman. If she’s already pregnant, the arguing’s done. When Mel sent me out for pickled yams at 3 o’clock in the morning when she was ‘with child’, I didn’t argue.

Well men don’t get pregnant. But suffer those same symptoms and desires their whole life to fill the gap which pregnancy would have provided. Which is why so many get big bellies later in life. It’s science, innit? So when I ‘crave’ chocolate (every day after lunch, without fail, in vast quantities, as long as its Cadbury’s and then just before bed), I don’t go rushing to some trumped up, highly polished, whip-thin American(!!!) nutritionist for advice. I go to Mr Shah in the sweet shop to buy stock. And I’ve surveyed 2,467 fat English bastards and they all agree: chocolate is no more an addiction than coffee… beer… cigarettes… crack… football…

And now the ‘sensitivity readers’ have started on Roald Dahl. And they have a massive amount of work on their hands as he was never the most flattering of writers. Loving his baddies to always be fat, ugly, spotty, grotesque, some exotic and colourful nationality; basically: anything offensive. Which is why his books are so absolutely wonderful, and so loved by kids. But they’ll be better. And considerably shorter. New Matilda is now 14 pages. The Big Friendly Giant now down to 7 and the Twits will be just half a page after the editing.

Happy Tuesday

A xxxx

I can’t tell you how happy yesterday’s football result made me… but I’m going to try. Not just to upset West Ham fans, not just to probably irritate Arsenal fans, but just because I want to due to my extreme joy at this event.

Also, here’s a funny thing: my mate Bobby became a grandfather yesterday, to a lovely little boy. Whose mother is one of our own, but whose father is a West Ham fan!!! Even though he’s lovely? Can you believe that? So little Baby (as yet sans name) was actually born on the day his parent’s football teams clashed. The decision was made, (not by me, if it was my grandchild there would be NO argument and I’d have tattooed a cockerel on him before you could say ‘cut the umbilicus’), that whoever won the game would be the team for Baby ???? forevermore. So he’s one of our own, he’s one of our oooooo-own, little baby ****, he’s one of our own.

And the match was Jimmy Greaves’s ‘game’a two halves’. The first of which was hard fought but very cautious and careful, and the second was slightly more open to the extent where Spurs scored a quite superb goal. I would say ‘brilliant’ but modesty prevents such excesses. Ok, it was fucking brilliant. Scored by our wing back.

And then Sonny came on. Consigned to the substitute’s bench he entered the fray to the joy and thrill of about 2,000 South Koreans for whom the man is a god. Waving their little white flags around, they were so happy it almost made me cry. And then their hero made West Ham cry. With a goal of true beauty (every time the ball hits the back of the opponent’s net its officially ‘a thing of true beauty’). But this really was. Harry Kane inevitably played Sonny in and our favourite Korean controlled it with a sublime first touch and a clinical finish.

That was it. Job done. Game over. We’d overtaken Newcastle to re-claim 4th place. Consigned West Ham to remain in the relegation zone (where they fucking belong!!!) and most importantly, showed this little baby the light. Even though unaware he was living a monumental and life-defining moment, even of his, at that point, pretty short life, the forces of good overtook the dark side and claimed him. So he too can enjoy his share of the dashed hopes, eternal longing, abject misery and utter despair, every Saturday (and sometimes Tuesday/Wednesday but NEVER Thursday) that the rest of us know and… errrr… love. What a (fucking) gift to bestow on one so young and innocent.

Mazzletov to all concerned. The family and ALL Spurs fans.

A xxxx

Buoyed by the amaaaaaazing success of ‘the best World Cup ever’ in November, possibly the ‘best World Cup ever in which more than 50,000 people died making it happen’, maybe even ‘the best World Cup ever in which freedom of expression and human rights were banned and the beer cost 20 quid a pint’, those sports-loving Qataris are on the move again. They already own Paris St. Germain and now they’re after Spurs. Their Qatari Sports Investment (QSI) wants to acquire a ‘share holding’, and ya know what that leads to. They’ve already done that at Braga in Portugal.

That’s QSI, remember that, cos that’s where it starts to get a little complicated.

The bid for Manchester United is not by QSI. And in no way should be confused by it or anyone to do with it. You’re not allowed to own 2 clubs in the same league, and the Qataris are well aware of this. And would never do anything to upset the footballing authorities. Unless they can bribe them, but that’s different. So the bid for United is by a man we’ll call JBH because his name is too fucking long to write out. But because he seems to be a bit of a ‘nobody’, a Doha bank manager of little note, you have to wonder where his 4 billion pound bid has come from. Obviously not from the Qatar Investment Authority (QIA), another state fund, because then it would all get a bit ‘murky’. A bit ‘Etihad’. A bit ‘surely that’s all just different pockets in the same coat’, kind’a thing.

This massive surge in potential Qatari investment in our football clubs must have all the local builders in Manchester running for the hills, throwing down their shovels and changing career. Spurs stadium is brand new, so that’s fine. But a ‘rebuild’ of Old Trafford is on the cards; part of the bid. And ya wouldn’t wanna build a stadium for Qataris. Your life insurance would be cancelled with immediate effect.

Then there’s the other interesting problem. Qatar are the main funders of Hamas. The terrorist organisation who run Gaza. And who want not just death to all Israeli Jews, but death to ALL Jews. Me. Lila, Joey, the lot. And Spurs are currently owned by Jews and have fans who all ‘identify’ as ‘Yids’. Loudly, regularly and to the fabulous annoyance of David Baddeil. So how’s that gonna work, exactly? Never mind LGBT issues, alcohol concerns…

It fucking stinks

Happy sunny, gorgeous Sunday

A xxxx

For many years I’ve advocated a radical stance on diversity, inclusivity, support for marginalised minorities, particularly of a gender variety, the abolition of all statues of slavers, imperialists, colonialists, bankers, wankers, skanks, lanky people and any form of old white men. The worst kind of human. The ultimate dead end of the spectrum. And I think this should be taken much further.

Thus I’m in total agreement with Aberdeen University for implementing its new ‘decolonisation’ process. Re-assessing all its classes, its teaching, its reading lists to remove any type of stereotyping or presumptions of class or race superiority.

Its only a matter of time until we take this to its logical end and burn… well, pretty much every book written before 2017, when I invented ‘woke’, and at least 70% of those written after.

We simply can’t allow any books that may possibly have any content which may in any way offend anyone. So Dickens is out. Shakespeare’s complete works on the bonfire of political correctness (Portia dressing as a man just to pretend to be a lawyer!!!! The most un-trans thing EVER!!!!), all the history books about the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, everything about kings and queens, you can’t get more ‘classish’ than that, and everything else. Burn the fucking lot. To avoid offending one man from Great Yarmouth who will be offended by any use of the word ‘penis’ because he was born with a very little one.

Consequently, us writers (I’m a writer, ain’t I? I fucking write, don’t I?) are employing ‘sensitivity readers’. People who read through and edit books and articles to find offending phrases, words, ideas or actions which may cause upset or mental health problems in any reader or group of readers. And edit out references to ‘poofs’, for example, ‘spots’, in case of acne sufferers, ‘money’, upsetting for those without, any form of ‘winning’ anything, because there are so many fucking losers out there, and any mention of ‘Arsenal’ because, currently, it will greatly upset Arsenal fans, who are pretty sensitive at the best of times. The term ‘schvartza’ is officially ‘unsensitive’ and will not appear at all.

As my current ‘sensitivity reader’ is unfortunately in hospital, because I beat him/her/it to a fucking pulp, this blog will remain a touch ‘unsensitive’ at times. For which I thought of apologising in advance but then thought ‘naaah, bollocks!’ Which may offend or upset those with testicle issues, but what can I do?

Happy Saturday

A xxxx

She’s gone. La Sturgeon. Or, as numerous memes have alluded to this week, Le/La /Autre Sturgeon. But you can’t give credibility to memes. They’re insulting, abusive, should be banned on decency grounds and are incredibly funny.

But the legacy Nicola Sturgeon leaves behind after her eight years at the helm of Britain’s most Scottish of nations (for the time being) is quite incredible.

She took a nation, on its feet with debt, with a struggling health service, where they die younger than anywhere this side of sub-Saharan Africa, and tied by the yoke of near slavery to the ‘masters’ down in Westminster. And just a mere eight years later, she has resigned, with her nation on its feet with debt, struggling with its health service, still dying younger than anywhere else in the Western World and no nearer to leaving the United Kingdom of Charles and Rishi than she was then. A remarkable achievement.

However, that’s not all!!! She also managed to make 51% of the Scottish people and 98% of the English absolutely despise her. Banging on and on about having a referendum every 6 months, whilst all around her turned to shit. And worst of all, the standard of goalkeeping didn’t improve one little bit during her tenure at Holyrood.

Nicola replaced Alex Salmond as head of the Scottish Nationalists and as Head of all Scotland in what they call ‘parliament’ but is actually a social project to keep at least 129 Scots in work. And during her time has won more elections, more convincingly, than anyone other than Putin, Erdogan and Kim Jong Un. All of whom she coincidentally resembles quite strongly. Her arrival in the top job freed up her predecessor to go out and rape and pillage (none of the 473 charges actually stuck), get drunk, take drugs and ‘lead the life of a normal Scot’.

So she earned our utmost respect. And we must put aside any judgments made purely on appearance. However exceedingly difficult that proves to be.

There’ll never be another like her.

We can hope.

Happy Friday

A xxxx