All I can say is: thank God for the ‘ammers.

Because otherwise I’d have absolutely nothing at all to be happy about in the entire world of football. Yet those ‘chirpy cockneys’ put a smile on my face with every game they lose, and every move they make downwards in the table.

I think when Donald Trump sends ‘the boys’ over to get Kier Starmer, I might ask him to take Thomas Frank as well. If there’s room on the plane with all those soldiers and guns and stuff. That way we won’t have to make yet another obscene payment for sacking yet another failed manager.

But I watched yesterday’s match through my analytical eyes. I studied the stats. I calculated every move, pass and run of my team. I performed several statistical tests on the results, then cross-checked them on a multiple chai-squared distribution matrix. And the result that the computer came out with was rather surprising. It was “15.9814”.

Oh, you’re not familiar with advanced multi-dimensional mathematics then. Well, a score of 15.9814 means… they were shit. That intersected on the vertical axis with ‘boring as fuck’. To be honest, you don’t have to be an actuary to know that. It was so plainly obvious. We lack… pretty much everything except defence. Our back four I’m quite happy with. At the moment they seem to score most of our goals as well. The rest? Ok, Bentancur is ‘solid’, Gray shows ‘promise’, Pahlinha is strong, but that really bolsters the defence. It does nothing to make us look ‘pretty’. Look ‘exiting’. Look even ‘good’. We’re just tragically mediocre in the attacking half of the field. Barely competent.

Ok, we have injuries. But we’ve bought a lot of players. All tragically underwhelming or, to be fair (something I try to avoid), ‘works in progress’. Like Lucas Bergvald and Archie Gray. Our most exiting player is Kudus, and he’s declined massively since he joined us not very long ago. Its called ‘Madison syndrome’. Though there are many symptoms in common with ‘Spurs syndrome’.

To make matters (much) worse, Arsenal undeservedly won against simply awesome Bournemouth. A team who never look ‘scared’, are never intimidated, who are always ‘up for it’. However all that’s great, but winning would have been possibly better. With Manchester City squandering 2 points at the death against Chelsea, that leaves the Arse sitting pretty. And no-one wants that. Let some horrible northern team sit at the crest of the league, let them give joy in areas where, quite frankly, they have NOTHING else going for them. Like Liverpool. And now they’ve lost their footballing glory too.

Man United sacked their manager today. Be Liverpool next. Well, he’s only won ONE league title in… well, a year, but is that good enough? Really?

Sam Allardyce can only be in one place at one time.

Happy Monday

A xxxx