I’m going to fight Anthony Joshua.

How hard can it be? He’s only ‘human’. Ok, he’s 6 foot 5inches of 110kgs of solid rock, but he’s human. Therefore I can beat him at boxing. Usyk beat him and he’s just a Ukranian thug. So I reckon I could do that too. And here’s why I’m qualified.

I was Disney child star, FFS. You can’t get any ‘arder than that. Then I became a TikTok in-flu-ence-errr, with a hundred million followers. They’ve watched me get a hundred and nine meaningless tattoos, numerous dodgy haircuts and they’ve seen my beard grow from ginger stubble to my magnificent full-hipster. All of which firstly makes me really tough, and secondly gives me the necessary experience to punch people really hard.

So I warmed up, fighting Mike Fucking Tyson!!! And beat him!! Ok, he’s 60 but Mike Fucking Tyson!!! Then I had a few bouts with basketball players and MMA guys, so I was ready. To take on a 2-time world champion boxer of incredible might and power and experience. That’s in no way ‘over-reaching’ or ‘Midas complex’ or even ‘being a total waste of space tosser in search of the sensational’. No, I can beat him. Easy.

Which is why I’m today in a hospital nursing a broken jaw. Yeah, but it was only my jaw, my pre-match analysis team reckoned on at least 63% of my bones being broken within one round, so I’m gonna count that as a ‘moral victory’. Can you put the straw back in my soup, please?

But on this day, just shy of Christmas in the ‘season of goodwill’, we need to share a thought for those brave and heroic, and not at all ‘just plain stupid’, brothers and sisters currently on hunger strike in our prisons. Well, 5 of them are ‘brothers and sisters’, the other is possibly both, maybe neither, as… it! identifies as one of those new fangled genders which are all the rage now.

Some are on the 48th day of starvation. The point which is generally recognised as ‘shit central’ for your body’s systems. Basically you start to die.

And all they want is…

Well, it doesn’t really matter what manner of moronic and ‘alternative’ demands they’ve chosen to make because one thing will never ever happen, and that’s the government giving in. Firstly, it’s a judicial issue and the government have no power to interfere in the judiciary, or we’d all be fucked and might as well live in Moscow. Secondly, if they gave in to a hunger protest, how many prisoners would be on hunger strike tomorrow?

The fact that these 6… let’s just say ‘imbeciles’ are demanding that the bunch of terrorists known as Palestine Action be un-proscribed immediately, just about says it all.

What would be cheaper; starving them to death or just shooting them?

Happy Saturday

A xxxx