I know a lotta yous are worried cos I’ve got me budget comin’ up in a few weeks and you’re concerned about the rumours wot are being spread by the right wing press. So I wanna reassure yous, to show you wot a kind’n’considerate Chancellor I am, even though I don’t seem to be particerlerry bright.

The main problem is the previous government. All the problems are ‘the previous government’. Winnin’ the election after that lot was not a good thing. Would’a been much better to have won an election when the economy was rolling along swimmingly. Would’a been better off not winnin’. Then I wouldn’t have to keep makin’ excuses. Which, I get, seem more and more stupid with each repetition. Specially as we’ve been in power over a year and it’s all gettin’ worse.

The main problems for the economy are: Brexit, the last government, the Crimean war, Churchill, rich people and Chelsea football club.

But we inherited a maaaaasssssiiiiiiive black hole. More than 16 trillion, billion, thousand and 37p. And the way to fill that hole is by growing the economy. And the best way to do that is to piss as much away in benefits as is possible. And then, we need to protect the workers. And the NHS, obviously, all bow.

The other ways to grow the economy are relatively simple. All you have to do is find out who is acherley responsible for creating jobs, wealth and all that range of wonderful things, an’ tax the shit out of ‘em. Tax their companies, their pensions, their houses, and keep taxin’ ‘em until they leave the country and go create jobs in Dubai or Monaco. An’ then, raise employer-paid National Insurance contributions to ensure businesses are priced out of employing new workers. Who we’ve now given a massive raft of new protections and security to enable them to be off sick with ‘mental health issues’ from the very day they start work, and stay ‘signed off’ for the next six years on full pay, without ever having to turn up.

So that’s what we’re doing. Taxing anyone with any clue wot’s going on and giving it away to the refugees who come here to use the NHS.

I appreciate that the stock markets are interested in what happens to the economy, which is why I’m not going to go all ‘Liz Truss’ and upset them. Instead I’m going to tax them.

To ensure the growth this country needs. For the future!!!

Rachel from Accounts xxxx