The votes are still being counted. In Alaska and Hawaii they’re still voting. But I am declaring my undisputed victory in the Presidential election. In fact I declared it last Wednesday. I have a lot of respect for Kamala Harris. She was the worst vice-president in the history of America. She stood at the border welcoming illegal immigrants with a glass of champagne, some pets to eat and a bunch’a cash. But the people have voted for me. For making America even more greater than I made it last time. The economy will be great. The borders will be sealed. We’ll finish the wall. Abortionists will become car washers. Go out now and buy shares in Smith & Wesson. Send your daughters out for when pussy-grabbing becomes enshrined in law.

I’ve had messages from all the world’s leaders. They all need me. They all love me. They wouldn’a called Kamala. She’s the worst person in the world. She trashed the economy here, caused the war in Ukraine, upset Putin. Macron messaged me. Suddenly he’s my best friend too. And worst of all Keith Starzer, that guy from Britain. He spends 5 years with his pals accusing me of ‘crimes against communism’ and now he wants ‘the special relationship’. We went out for dinner, he paid the bill, now he wants to screw me, like I’m a cheap date. Got news for you Kevin, I AIN’ NO CHEAP DATE!!’

I’ve won elections before, but this one was the most surprising in election history. Anywhere in the world. Because people love me. Elon loves me and he’s the richest man in America. He sees through all the fake news which the commies put out there to try and discredit me. They accuse me of crimes. Well, they’re not crimes. Or they won’t be once I’ve changed the laws.

America will be great once more. I’ll see to it. So Americans no longer struggle to put food on their tables and bullets in their guns. I’ll make sure that even poor people can get medical help. Some of them. And we’ll show how even Puerto Ricans are welcome here. In small numbers.

It may take me longer than four years to achieve everything I need to do. So I may just ‘adjust’ the presidential process to allow for that. Because all of America voted for me, love me and want me here forever. And I can’t disappoint my fellow Americans.

This is the most incredible day the world has ever known.

Your President,

Don xxxx