I’d like to announce that forthwith and henceforth, I shall no longer use the title ‘Lord’, nor ‘Duke’, ‘Count’, ‘Viscount’, ‘Viceroy’ or ‘God’. From this day forth I shall just known as Prince, Master of all he surveys and Most Important Brother of the FUCKING KING HIMSELF!!!

I make this immense sacrifice in response to the horrendous allegations made against me and the relentless hounding by the press, which, when I was a working royal, were profoundly unwarranted.

I have spent my entire life being… errrr… being the brother to the future king of England. It has not been easy. Whilst Charlie was groomed for the throne, I was left to the life of possibly the world’s most over-privileged playboy, chancer and overall total tosser. It wasn’t easy. To establish myself as a man of principle and someone perfectly able to be successful, even without the 12 million a year my mother paid me, I became a ‘deal-maker’, a ‘conduit’ for a host of international projects. Most of them illegal, immoral or downright underhand. I liaised with Chinese spymasters and American billionaire paedophiles, sold my mother’s time to anyone with a few hundred grand to spare, and shagged anything that moved, regardless of either ‘its’ age or my marital status.

Its not been an easy life. I’ve spent the latter part of my ‘career’, basically, telling lies and giving denials that I’ve ever known any of the people I spent the early part cultivating.

Jeffrey Epstein? Who’s he?? Oh, the chap with his arm round me on his yacht in Bermuda… that Jeffrey Epstein. Barely knew the guy. Never involved in any of his ‘antics’, that’s for sure. And I’ve never met anyone called Virginia Diuffre. Even though there are many photos to the contrary of that statement. But abused her? Sexually? Do I look like the type of man who would do such a thing??? Yes, I suppose I fit the bill perfectly really, but that proves nothing!

And as for my odd meeting with Cai Qi, I honestly thought he’d come to deliver my take-away because, quite frankly, they all look a bit the same really, don’t they? I certainly never realised he was basically the spy chief for the whole of China; we talked about spare ribs and kung fu movies.

So in brief: I never did anything wrong. All the accusations about me are false. Any that might have some credibility I simply can’t remember a thing about and in future just call me ‘Your Royal Princeship’ as all my other titles have been returned, ‘for the sake of my country’, which I love deeply, and NOT just as something to be sold to the highest bidder, and for the sake of my family, none of whom will give me the time of day. Which isn’t a problem cos when I went to see Charlie about my titles, I nicked his watch.

Yours honourably,

Andrew xxxx