When you turn 60 you start getting uninvited emails from SAGA and all manner of unscrupulous organisations whose very existence is testament to the gullibility of old people and the credibility we attach to established companies who sound ‘beneficial’ to the aged. Whereas in fact, they’re the biggest crooks around. For confirmation of this; apply to SAGA for any type of ‘insurance; ESPECIALLY FOR OLD GITS!!!’, and you wonder how anything they claim is legal.

Then, as the years progress, you start getting invited to look at plans or sometimes actual buildings designated ‘retirement homes’. They won’t change your nappy in such places, these are generally upmarket apartment blocks, at very upmarket prices, for ‘independent living’ but possibly with a ‘warden’. Which translates as an asylum seeker on minimum wage sitting there 24 hours a day trying to learn English whilst a bunch of old people keep disturbing him, making demands whilst he’s conjugating his verbs. He is trained in only one sentence: “I’m not allowed to do touch anyone or do anything: phone 999”. “BUT MY HUSBAND HAS FALLEN OVER/STOPPED BREATHING/SWALLOWED THE KETTLE!!!”, “I’m not allowed to…”

There’s no care, certainly no ‘nursing’.

So today, we pre-empted the whole ‘retirement’ schtick and instead went to take a look at Willesden Cemetery. It’s lovely there. Ok, no gym or underground pool, or parking, but if it’s good enough for the Rothschilds, most of whom are buried there, well, the dead ones mainly, it’s good enough for me. Us. The rooms aren’t ‘big’, in the normal sense but…

Willesden Cemetery was the first burial ground of the ‘United Synagogues’, in 1870. When they ‘United’. The 8 acres of finest Willesden ‘countryside’ (as it then was) cost… drum roll… 4 grand. Including an option for a further 4 acres later. It’s almost full now. Though there is vacant lot next to Michael Winner, if you’re interested. Because he occupies the double plot his parents reserved but didn’t use. There’s the Rothschilds and other member of what would be Jewish Aristocracy if Jews were allowed in the aristocracy, with suitably flamboyant places of rest. Like all cemeteries, it’s fascinating. But the stories. It’s always about the stories. Which are fantastic. And, in some cases, even true.

Happy retirement,

A xxxx