London is 4 million years old. It was built by a Diplodocus called Harry and a Wooly Mammoth called Nigel. I’m not talking about the land where London is situated, I’m talking about LUUUNDUUUN, the city, the area, the best place in the world. And its big, like all, er, big Cities. So we break – Read More-
A woman is pregnant. And alcoholic. Every day she drinks a bottle of vodka and 8 pints of ‘strong’ beer. Or ‘normal behaviour’ as its called in Newcastle. Her child is born with brain damage due to the alcohol. Which is tragic. The woman is taken to court but they find it is not a – Read More-
Well we’re not going to talk about football. We’re just not. I’ll change the subject. It was bad enough that my invite for Tuesday night’s Victoria’s Secret fashion show, held in London for the first time, failed to arrive, then we had to go to Chelsea. And, as Elvis Costello prophetically sang: I don’t want – Read More-
Charles Babbage invented ‘the computer’ in the early 19th Century. His machine fills a massive room at the Science Museum and performs one task. Differential calculus. Useful. A hundred years later and Alan Turing, the 2nd World War code-breaker, came up with his new, improved version. Which had more similarity to a tractor than to – Read More-
When I was 49 years old, plus about 357 days, I received an email from Saga, the ‘old age’ company who send the ancient on cruises upon which there are first class geriatric medical facilities and funeral directors, arrange care homes, offer BMW Zimmer frames cheaply and generally cater for ‘life over 50’. Motherfuckers. I – Read More-
The best footballer in the entire world is the lovely Harry Kane. Ronaldo may score a lot more goals but he’s a total fucking pain. Our ‘Arry may not be quite as pretty but he’s Spurs fru’ an’ fru’ so deep is Tottenham in his blood he could almost be a Jew. So Everton, looking – Read More-
Why do I read the Mail on Sunday? Why does anyone? Its rubbish. Total fucking rubbish. Yet on the basis of ‘keep your friends close and your enemies closer’ I feel dutybound to see what the reactionary Right is thinking, doing, saying. And nothing is more reactionary than this piece of trash. I’ve heard of – Read More-
Don’t you just fucking hate politicians? Why do we even need them? Oh, to run the country. Allegedly. Or to ruin the country. Allegedly. Depends who’s making the allegations. Andrew Mitchell, Mr Plebgate, we now learn from those who know him, is a man very very likely indeed to call a policeman, whilst performing his – Read More-
How is it that I’ve never ever heard of campylobacter? When apparently it is the bacterium responsible for 280,000 cases of food poisoning a year and 100 deaths. Arsenal make you sick but campylobactor can actually kill. Amazing. And if you’re interested about his horrible thing, just buy a chicken from Asda and you’re virtually – Read More-
In a landmark case, Her Majesty’s Customs and Revenue, (known by the acronym: BASTARDS; British Association of Stupid Taxation And Ridiculous Double Standards) have declared that Pilates, the life-affirming, longevity-assuring system of stretches, poses and meditative postures, does not qualify as ‘educational’ even though its job is to teach its victims, sorry, its pupils, the – Read More-