There’s just way too much time around and not enough sport to fill it. We need more. And I don’t mean, like, ‘playing it’. Heaven forbid. Sport’s not for playing, its for watching whilst eating loads of crap. So what do you do on a Sunday after the 1.30 and 4pm football, before the 7o’clock from Spain followed by NFL double-header taking you til 4 the next morning? There’s a whole half an hour when I get fretful.

Its a time for possibly cooking something. Or running round to the off license for supplies. But both of those involve, kind of, ‘getting up’ off the sofa, thus they’re not real sport. Real sport NEVER involves any movement beyond the remote control. That’s the rule. From the international federation of sports watchers and other fat bastards.

So you flick through and there’s hilights of a cricket match from Peru, played in 1973 in black & white. There’s poker. Even I can’t consdier ‘poker’ as a sport. No-one moves. They’ll be calling golf a sport next. There’s motor cycle racing from Bulgaria. Or there’s the Weightwatchers Women’s Sumo Event from Esher. All of which fills me with a big ‘NAAAAAAH’.

I think I’ve found it. This illusive missing link. A sport worthy of watching.

Sailing.

Its brilliant because not only is it really exciting (apparently) and really interesting, its a ‘sport’ that you can never be told to ‘get off your fat arse and play it!!!!’ Because they use boats which are not only really really big, but they cost trillians of euro-dollar-yen things. They just had the America’s Cup. And America won. I think. Even though Sir Ben Ainslee, as British as they come, was the hero of the day. Or days. Lots of days.

The American boat, called ‘Oracle’ was racing a New Zealand boat called ‘The Emirates’, following the rule that in every sport in the world the word ‘Emirates’ has to appear at least 9.6% of the time. Otherwise its not a proper sport.

And the Emirates were winning 8-1. Which is a bit of a thrashing really. And we hate the Emirates winning anything because they’re a bunch of wife-beating, oil-billionaire rapists at heart and it gives them a credibility they don’t deserve. And Arsenal play at the Emirates which forever taints that word for normal, god-fearing people of morality and goodness.

So the Emirates were winning. And then… and then… and then…

Ben Ainslee comes into the fray and the Oracles win the next 8 races/matches/events/whatever they play in those boats, and win the series 9-8. What a comeback, what a classic, what an amazing result.

I have no idea what they do with those ships. How they race them; where they go; for how long. I only know that they wear crash helmets. And that’s odd. I’ve been on loads of boats and never been asked to wear a helmet. But if you need one then there’s probably danger and therefore it becomes a worthy event. And a great result.

So now I’m a big sailing fan. Massive fan. Never leave home without checking my ‘sailing app’ first.

And well done England!!!

Even though we weren’t actually playing. And even if we were I wouldn’t know what that playing involves.

Happy thursday.

I hope that’s cleared that up for you.