I’ve scrapped my last diary. Started again. Hoping this one’s better than the last. And really, who cares or even remembers when the first Chinaman who ate that iffy bat, well past its sell-by, succumbed to the Chaina-virus? It’s a bit irrelevant. So although we went into ‘lockdown’ yesterday, I went into work, just to – Read More-
If I see one more tv newsman/woman/thing showing me a high road and telling me how ‘it’s usually teaming with drinkers, ravers, restauranties, rapists, muggers, flashers and old women carrying logs, but NOW, its fucking EMP-TEEEEEE!!!!’ I shall walk into the BBC newsroom and cough over everybody. This ‘street’ could be Broadway in New York, – Read More-
Pre-lockdown. There have been scenes all over the country beautifully depicting our charming nation’s love of the toilet roll. Beyond love. Obsession. People are dropping to their knees and hugging it. As did Joey when his latest batch arrived from Ocado. Even though he doesn’t actually use the stuff himself, his natural empathy for everyone – Read More-
Don’t know what happened to days 75 and 76 but that’s the nature of this totally dystopian world in which we now live. If you call this ‘living’!!! Because Team Boris have a plan. Which is to remove the very essence of sociability, of community, of our very humanity. Lock yourselves up for 3 months – Read More-
Today, the 74th day of the apocalypse, they banned sport. All sport. You can still play bridge. But only wearing rubber gloves and in a chlorinated swimming pool. Which is empty because swimming is banned along with every other sport. But in terms of ‘real’ sport, and even things like F1 and ‘golf’, the things – Read More-
Well here I am in Day 73 of my Coronavirus diary and pleased to report, as I have for the previous 72: NOTHING’S HAPPENED!! Making it possibly the most boring diary since… Well, probably Victorian times as no-one with an Instagram account would ever bother with something so primitive as a ‘diary’! My measures are – Read More-
We’ve been escalated. From ‘virtually nothing’ our national status has now been moved to ‘a little bit more’ as we, as a nation united, join together to avoid getting sick. Well, not really sick, but more, not very well for a day or two. So we’re into the official ‘delay’ phase in which we’re delaying… – Read More-
Budget day today. Not the budget Rishi Sunak thought he was going to give, when he got the job a couple months’ ago, but a different one. This is the world’s first Coronavirus Budget. I think he’ll put a 20% tax increase on anyone getting the virus and then they’ll think twice before contracting it, – Read More-
It’s Purim today. Did you know that? It’s a Jewish holiday where you make a lot of noise and eat little poppy seed cakes. Jewish holidays are always defined by the food. Always. And on Purim you dress up. Fancy dress. Because that’s what God said. Purim celebrates the salvation of the Jews in Persia. – Read More-
Where’s ‘international men’s day’? Why don’t we have one? There I am with my almost ‘equals’ sign (another 4 months’ of physio and I should make it) and then I find that women get not just a ‘day’ but an ‘international day’ in celebration of… of… of women. I celebrate them every day. Except when – Read More-