The football league table was invented in 1873 by Ronnie League-Table, after whom it was named. And every week Ronnie would sit down, at 5 o’clock on Saturday, when ALL that week’s games were over, with a quill and an abacus, and perform his calculations for the teams’ positions. But now its different. Not only – Read More-
If you buy a newspaper purely for the annoyance you know it will give you, then you can’t really be surprised that you end up angry. And if that paper is The Mail, then really, what the fuck do you expect? On the front page of today’s Mail on Sunday was no mention of the – Read More-
I’d like to speak on behalf of all American citizens. Even though I’m not one. Never have been. And wouldn’t become one for all the Cadillacs in Detroit. Possibly all the hamburgers in California though, in case you’re thinking about asking me. Because otherwise I think my bodyweight is too low for full citizenship. And – Read More-
I’ve said it before, but I’m going to say it again, particularly for the 67 million Americans (and counting) who must have missed it the first time round. Donald Trump is a tosser. But a tosser of such juvenile, verging on infantile, inane, moronic, almost insanely narcissistic, AND narcissistically insane proportions, that he becomes The – Read More-
It’s a big day all round really. In America they’re counting the votes and we should have a result some time around… June, possibly August, depending on how long the legal action takes. So that’s very exciting. Wake me up when someone dies. At the time of writing both candidates are claiming victory. Don’t know – Read More-
I’ve been in consultation with the Premier League, the Football Association, FIFA, EUFA, Sepp Blatter, Michel Platini and all others in various prisons throughout greater Europe to ascertain that we, as in England, have now moved from a ‘big 6 club’ situation to just a ‘big two’. No longer can the words ‘big’ and ‘six’ – Read More-
Ok, so here’s a question for anyone who ever bought an album. Like, a real, vinyl, big, flat, black plastic thing with a hole in the middle. Designed specifically so that the protective cover would be the totally perfect surface for rolling a joint on. If it hadn’t been for cannabis, records would have been – Read More-
Jeremy Corbyn is now intending to take legal action against the Labour Party over his suspension. And bizarrely, he has a very strong case. Because I, and my legal team (Lila, Joey, Sheister and Co.), have scrutinised every word in that Party’s rules, minutely and with fine toothed combs and nowhere is it written in – Read More-
I went swimming yesterday morning. Actually, I never swam one single stroke. I went to the swimming pool yesterday morning. With Mel. Which would have been fine, in a way, I’d have done my 7 lengths before boredom had me thinking whether drowning was in fact such a bad way to go, then got out – Read More-
If you’d gone into a coma in January and just woken up; well, obviously, you’d be begging to be allowed back into that coma, but if they didn’t let you, there’d be a whole new world to re-enter. With different words. New words. Or old words realigned. So I think its worth offering a few – Read More-