Andy's Glasses

So I’m obsessed. Addicted. Devoted. The Olympics, which never excite me any more than new electric car charging points at Arsenal’s stadium, simply take over my life once they start. I don’t watch it, but then see some on the news. And then see more in hilights programs which just come on. And then it slowly creeps up until…

It rules my life. And being in Tokyo, a perfect 8 hours ahead, its always on. And because Britain are winning, its on even more. I don’t mean ‘winning’ in the probably normal sense of… of ‘winning’ as such, like counting up medals and shit like that, I mean ‘winning’ because… because we are. And we deserve to. Morally, we’re winning. You can’t count the Americans because they cheat, nor the Chinese because with a population so big they can pluck 25 synchronised swimmers off any street in Beijing, half a dozen pole vaulters and a 13 year old gymnastics champion. Then they just stick them in specialised institutions where they don’t emerge for 5 years, force fed proteins, worked 19 hours a day, drugged up to the eyeballs, and then they’ll win gold medals. Or be killed, along with their entire extended family, upon their return.

Yesterday I watched ‘artistic gymnastics’. Painting a portrait whilst performing back flips? I’ve never heard of it either, though it must be said, the busiest people on the Olympics committee are those in charge of changing the names of the sports to confuse everyone. These are gymnasts, but a bit bigger than the usual 12 year olds, bit older, bit stronger. And they dance across the mat playing with toys. Maybe batons, a 6-metre twirling ribbon, hoops, which must keep moving all the time whilst the athletes dance in a gymnastic way, contorting and flipping in ways that no real human can. And the Israeli girl won. Beat the Russians and Belarusians, who were so pissed off that Putin immediately declared war. On Israel. And Japan.

This morning I watched Jason Kenny win his 7th gold medal on his bike. You actually deserve a medal in the velodrome just for understanding what you have to do in any of the obscure versions of ‘pedalling very fast’ they come up with.

Next was volleyball. No, nothing pervy here, this was INDOOR volleyball. Which is a shame. Because they let the contestants wear clothes in that one. It was brilliant. It’s all brilliant. We won golds in the men’s and women’s modern pentathlon, FFS!!! I mean, what’s more ‘modern’ than fencing? And I want to know who invented the bit they run around a track stopping to shoot guns every 3 minutes. Just targets. I could understand if they were shooting people, but then the Russians would have probably won.

And now its over. Other than the doubtless ridiculously overlong, overblown, over there, ‘final extravaganza’, which will go on until Wednesday, thrilling the massive crowd, who aren’t there. I can’t wait.

Then its just 3 years to wait for the next one!! By which time I’ll be totally indifferent to it, and the cycle win begin again.

Happy End of Olympics day

A xxxx

So I’m happy to reduce my carbon footprint. I haven’t been on a plane for 19 months. Because of my respect for Greta Thundberg. Oh, ok, there’s a covid factor in there but my adherence to every syllable the horrible Swedish schoolgirl mumbles remains absolute. I only drive a petrol car any time I want to. I rarely burn forests down and don’t graze any cattle. I’m thinking of replacing my gas boiler with one which burns air and water or hydrogen and fairy dust, because I’m always conscious of my emissions. I’ve even reduced my intake of baked beans in the interest of reduced methane. There’s only so much I can do. There are limits.

And now they’ve crossed a line. They’re talking about peat. The fairly useless stuff which is used to flavour my favourite whiskies. They take a really dull, lifeless whisky, open the lid, put the bottle on a bunch of peat, set fire to it and what comes out of that bottle later is the stuff of dreams. Sometimes nightmares. Often hangovers. But all worth it for that taste.

Apparently peat holds and stores carbon. Which is Greta-good. Peat bogs are seen as import in Greta-land to keep carbon down. But when you burn it, it all gets released. Shit-loads of the stuff, which is Greta-bad. Very bad. But, I’m guessing, she’s not a whisky drinker. Probably drinks mountain water from local ponds out of re-usable bottles made of recycled wood by women’s sanctuaries. Sanctimonious little…

I found this photo from our pilgrimage to the island of Isla. Where all my faves come from. These particular casks were at (I think; it all got a bit blurry; wonderfully, beautifully, peati-fully blurry, at that point) Ardbeg. Could have been Laphroaig, which lives next door.

So now they’re applying pressure on the Scottish whisky bosses to stop burning peat for their product. I can’t understand why. Scotland’s full of trees and all the released carbon will be their problem, not ours, especially when they ‘leave’.

But get things in proportion: its a bottle of Scotch. How much fucking peat does it use? The entire whisky industry uses less than 1% of all the peat… mined?, dug??, removed?, whatever. Most of the rest is used by gardeners. So I reckon we need less roses, more whisky. There’s no competition.

LEAVE MY WHISKY ALONE!!! Motherfucking, interfering, tree-hugging…

Climate change protest has crossed a line!

Happy Saturday

A xxxx

I’m a total devotee of token gesturism, much as I love a bit of hypocrisy, get high on stupidity and as for boycotts? Love ‘em to bits. My shelves are now totally empty of clothes, food, even toilet rolls. I’ve boycotted everybody and I’m sure they’re all regretting their actions now!! Bastard fascists, imperialists, child-labour-hirers, atmosphere polluters, people who drive on the right, or left, worst of all people who drive in the middle, capitalists, neo-nazis, neo-communists, neo-liberals (possibly the worst of all), radical feminists, radical rapists, people who refuse to state their pronouns in every text message, those who ‘take the knee’, those who won’t ‘take the knee’, royalists, Roundheads, slap heads, 3-day eventists and Arsenal fans.

I set the bar quite low when it comes to supporting the oppressed. I’m on the verge of boycotting Mel just for… because… well WHY NOT???

Yet even I can’t see the point of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream banning sales in the ‘occupied territories’ of Israel. Where you can no longer buy their product. To protect?, support?, stand as one with the Palestinian people in their oppression.

Ever been to the ‘occupied West Bank’? I have. You really don’t know you’re there so seamless does it live adjacent to Israel. The people there get state education, state medical provision, it is just Israel with bumpier roads. Ok, there are ‘the settlements’ which are ‘frummer’s follies’. Ultra religious, usually Americans, who wish to live in the biblical lands. They’re daft and inflammatory places. Filled with ultra-orthodox people who will never buy Ben & Jerry’s because its not kosher enough. And if they want it they can just go to West Jerusalem and buy it. With a special rabbinical sticker on it and a massively inflated cost. So the only people who ‘suffer’ from this boycott is the Palestinians themselves. Who may really fancy a scoop of Chocolate Obscenity on a sunny Sunday and will now do without. So how does that ‘help’ them in their struggle? They still struggle, but without ice cream.

Unilever, who own Ben & Jerry’s, are taking flak over this latest ridiculous ‘boycott’. Yet as a wonderful example of token gesturism, hypocrisy and stupidity, I can only admire them. Though I’m not sure politics and ice cream mix that well.

Happy Friday

A xxxx

Even in the 1960s there were rules. Of sorts. There was a new morality, which was to some extent a vast immorality as ‘free love’ (read: free sex) became the slogan of the era. Now you always have to pay for love. One way or another.

I’ve been watching the Eric Clapton rockumentary. It’s brilliant. He’s brilliant. Was, is and always will be. I only watch it in small doses because although Mel is interested in such things, a 10-minute Ginger Baker drum solo during a Cream gig is probably more than she wants to endure. To me its like watching Glen Hoddle’s greatest goals.

Eric had a problem. He was madly in love. With Patti Boyd. Who, unfortunately for him, was married to his best mate, George Harrison. So he did what any decent person would do and got hooked on any/all the drugs he could find. And in the 60s and 70s, he could find plenty. And then he was ‘cured’ by substituting them with alcohol. Which was deemed ‘much better’ but is in fact ‘much worse’ as its available everywhere, its legal and totally acceptable, until you’re finishing a bottle of brandy before breakfast.

So Eric wrote a song for Patti. In fact he wrote a whole album dedicated to her, but Layla, his pet name for her, was his heart-felt outpouring of emotion. And because Eric was and always will be, first and foremost, a blues artist, and blues is synonymous with pain and suffering, and because Eric is possibly the most emotive guitarist that ever lived, (I don’t have to apologise to BB King or Jimi Hendrix), ‘Layla’ has to be the finest love song ever written. And there have been many.

Layla has a ‘hook’. The opening riff is so powerful, so recognisable, so intense as it repeats through the song, that I need just 3 of those 7 notes to start crying. So whilst ‘unchained melody’ is sublime and ‘ain’t no mountain high enough’, immensely bold, and ‘when a man loves a woman’ just reduces prop forwards to pulp, Layla just is the one. Endless Love makes me want to be sick. Anything that will make it stop. But I also love ‘you look wonderful tonight’, also by Eric, and ‘while my guitar gently weeps’, the George Harrison number on which Eric played the guitar in that way he does.

Eric eventually got together with Patti, and they married in 1979. Ahhhhhhh. Then divorced in 1989. Awwwwwww. But the song endured way longer. There’s a message there somewhere but you need to be cleverer than me to read it.

Happy Wednesday

A xxxx

After a couple of weeks of the Olympics, you kind of get used to everyone you look at being lean, fit, muscular, possibly tattooed, with a major league 6-pack, thighs of steel and a BMI of 24. It’s like watching Love Island with IQs. And then come certain sports which make you realise that not everyone on tv has to be like that.

The weightlifters come out and they’re big. Big? They’re fucking massive. Flabby. Beer bellies. Massive boobs. And the women are just as bad. Or just as good. Or, in fact, pretty much the same. These people we can relate to. Weightlifting is the most androgynous of sports, other than perhaps shot-putting. The ‘bulk’ sports. I suppose once you hit 20 stone you can no longer see your own genitalia so it doesn’t really matter what type they are.

But then came Laurel Hubbard, the New Zealand heavyweight lifter. Who was previously a man. But transitioned a while ago and becomes the first transgender person to compete in the Olympics. And I hear you say ‘THAT’S CHEATING!’ she’s a man competing in a purely strength sport against women!! Not fair. Which would be appropriate if she hadn’t crashed out of the event rather spectacularly, without completing a lift. Poor… thing.

Britain traditionally does really well in the ‘sitting down’ sports. As a nation we simply excel at sitting. So sit on a horse, or a boat, a bike (BMX or otherwise) and we’re fab. When they pull out a chair of any kind, they might as well just give us the gold medal. We just this second won another sailing event. Well done on that… boat/canoe/cruise liner/warship, whatever it was. Brilliant.

Watching the Olympic round-ups on the ‘impartial’, ‘unbiased’ BBC, it took me three weeks before I realised that other countries are allowed to win medals. Or even take part, other than to make up the numbers so we can win medals. But heh, it is the BRITISH broadcasting Company, this is allowed. They do mention other nations, but only when they’re losing to us. Or standing up.

So I’m still lovin these Olympics and (according to the BBC) we’re winning.

Happy Tuesday

A xxxx

Here I am, back from my break. Mental health never better, I feel like a totally new aardvark. Full of health and sniffing round for ants. Well, its a cure of sorts, nothing’s perfect. Not even the three-headed angel which has followed me since my cure.

And the Olympics rolls on even without Simone Biles and now, tragically, without Dina Asher-Smith too. And much as I admire Simone as the veritable ‘giant’ she is, at about 4 foot 8, I truly adore Dina. She is our national captain. Our poster girl. She is the most bright, vibrant, energetic woman. She is eloquent, unpretentious and delightful. In short (and she is, too) I love her. But she has been harbouring a secret hamstring issue for 5 weeks. She didn’t want to upset everyone. Didn’t want to ‘let anybody down’. She told the BBC yesterday after she let everybody down by coming 4th (sheer class) in her 100 metre heat. And then she started crying and I did too. It was emotional. Her shattered dreams become our shared upset. We still love her.

And then some interesting words from Jeremy Clarkson this morning. Mainly because they were about cars. When he ventures to other subjects I’m less inclined to agree. He test drove a hydrogen car. Which have actually been around for years but the problem is buying hydrogen to fill them up. There are about 4 places in the country where you can do this, so if you don’t live fairly near them, getting a hydrogen powered car is pretty much buying a sculpture. And no-one likes production-line, Japanese-manufactured artwork on their driveway. Yet the advantages of buying hydrogen over battery are many. I’ll spare you. Trust me. And Jeremy. There’s also the minor issue of how electricity is ‘made’ in this country, predominantly. Whereas hydrogen just produces it all by issself. Furthermore, regular petrol and Diesel engines can actually be converted to hydrogen, which you can’t do with ‘lectric.

So why aren’t we promoting such a thing? And this was Clarkson’s point. Because someone made a hybrid electric car and the government went into ‘panic mode’. Or perhaps ‘sound byte mode’ and attached the salvation of the entire planet on ‘the future of transport’. Elon Musk knows opportunities when he sees ‘em and responded to the challenge. No-one in government appeared to look at the big picture (how unusual?) nor consider the alternatives. Some of which, like hydrogen, had been with us for ages. So instead, driven by the burning imperative (I’m sure there’s a pun in there somewhere) of climate change and the ACT NOW!!!!! bullshit spouted by the reactionaries, they went for the less joined-up version of problem solving. Which was doing it without thinking about it.

And we thought the pandemic decisions were unusual?

These are first world problems. Because third worlders walk. 2nd world people… who cares?

So before we tear up any more of the planet, at masssssiiiiiiiiive environmental cost, looking for Lithium and all the other conductive materials required to make batteries for which we burn coal to charge, someone needs to take a step back and have a re-think.

Happy Sunday

A xxxx

I’ve decided to take a break from writing andysglasses to prioritise my mental health. Which, you will have noticed whilst reading these postings, has been degenerating rapidly and catasrophically since… well, since I started posting them really. But its reached the point where it can no longer be ignored. The pressure of… the anxiety due to… the relentless… yeah, no, yeah, no, if my mental health declines any further I run the risk, yeah, no, of turning into a premiership footballer. Yeah, no…

I was inspired when Naomi Osaka withdrew from Wimbledon, and I gave up tennis in sympathy with her. Then Simone Biles, the world’s greatest gymnast, pulled out of the Olympics, so I made the monumental decision, the great personal sacrifice, and gave up gymnastics too. So when yesterday Ben Stokes publicly announced his break from cricket, because I suffer from terminal role model syndrome, I gave up cricket too. I had to. I phoned Essex cricket club and told them I could no longer be a supporter. They were so stunned the guy said: “sorry? Who the fuck are you???” And I put the cricket pages in the dustbin, along with the gymnastics and tennis ones already there.

So in solidarity with all these people, and with the others sure to follow, I have to take a break from everything, be as brave as they are, and just jump on that bandwagon as if my mental health depended upon it.

But before I go, just a mention of how great it is to be British during an Olympic finals. Not content with heading the less meaningful medal charts, basically because we aren’t, we have the distinguished honour of heading the only really important chart out there. Which is the most 4th places. Britain leads the world in the ‘so close but so far’ from a medal table. Anyone can win a gold medal, you just have to be the best. But 4th? That’s hard. You have to be better than 5th but just not quite as good as the geezer winning the bronze.

I’m loving these Olympics and probably won’t take my break from them to prioritise that bit of my mental health until they’ve finished.

Ok, that’s it. See you when I’m better.

Happy Saturday

A xxxx

The government is changing the rules about seat belts and the not wearing thereof. They’re going to change the current fine to a bigger fine and 3 points on your driving licence. And that seems so… so 1984 compared to somewhat bigger motoring problems.

Who doesn’t wear a seat belt? Do we then care that they don’t? I mean really ‘care’? If they’re so stupid and they get hurt as a consequence, awful though it may be, tough shit. I’m wearing mine, I’m alright Jack/Joan/neutral-name.

Whereas the tossers, those imbeciles incapable of breathing without holding their phones, they are a far greater problem. And their stupidity affects ME!

Tests have shown that 62% of all drivers are looking at their phones 73% of the time. Which, mathematically, explains why they drive into things. Worse still, and patently more obvious a ‘crime’, is those who check their phones at traffic lights. They’ll be the ones just sitting there oblivious to all but their device when the light goes green. The ones who need hooting at, really aggressively and prolonged-ly. Because you’re not allowed to deploy a baseball bat whilst at the wheel of a car.

Obviously, drivers of electric cars are allowed more phone time whilst driving because they are superior people generally and may be using the app on their phone to… put more charge in their vehicle’s dying battery or something which us fossil fuelers know nothing about.

Either way, seat belt avoiders, whatever, but phone tossers/zombies? Death penalty. Loss of licence, forEVER! Solitary confinement with NO PHONE.

That’s it, rant over, done it now, got it out of my system, feeling lots better, thanks for asking.

Happy Wednesday

Andy xxxx

Sent from my iPad whilst driving along the A40

Practical.

Ok, so its ‘kosher’ or its not. That’s a big, thick, black line which you cross AT YOUR PERIL!!!! One side is a life barely worth living as its so tied up in archaic bullshit and rules, and on the other side is an eternity of damnation in the fires of hell, but at least you can get a coffee from Starbucks, should you please, or an ice cream for the kids on a beach.

Therefore, the thick black line gets ignored other than by those in thick, black overcoats and hats when its 32 degrees outside, and instead we have slightly ‘greyer’, a little more ‘blurred’, somewhat ‘moveable’ lines. And that’s where the trouble starts.

Not with the lines themselves but with what they represent in the unstated hierarchy of ‘observancy’.

Not to put too fine a point on it, if its not a kosher restaurant, you’re not kosher. Whatever you’re eating or not eating. But… (latitude, compromise, tolerance, common sense…) how can a piece of bread NOT be kosher? It’s flour, water and salt. No Crustacea, no pig’s trotters, no leg of lamb. Ergo, I’ll eat that anywhere. And risk the fires of hell later, when I’m not so hungry. Similarly white fish. Just don’t put shrimp with it. And/or make sure its cooked in a different pot from the shrimp. And don’t serve it on the same plates you might have used for the mussels.

So the (Jewish) world divides into camps for eating out. Tribes. All of whom ‘keep kosher at home’, as we do, because its a tradition thing and hurts no-one. Except lovers of shellfish.

First are the black hats. They eat no-where that isn’t already filled with others in black hats to attest to its safety from the non-kosher. There’ll be certificates all over proclaiming its level of kosherness. Which, sadly, are not always the same certificates you get for public health issues.

Next comes the meat avoiders. You have many Jews who will eat in any restaurant, but not meat. Only fish. Meat needs to be killed ‘properly’ (not a conversation for vegans) to be kosher so even a piece of perfectly acceptable meat is avoided if not sourced from a kosher butcher. And by avoiding it there’s also the other biggy of any suggestion that the meat might have come into contact with something dairy. Fish is fish and, as long as it was born with scales, represents no problem. Until you cover it with prosciutto, then its a big problem.

Then come the ‘I’ll eat meat in a restaurant, even though its not ‘strictly’ kosher, but obviously NEVER with anything of a milky or cheesy nature. And never pork!’ Chicken’s fine. By nature it is a Jewish bird.

I’ll only eat food. Any/all of it. Long as there’s a lot.

And its all good. You do what you want, eat what you’re comfortable with, dine as you please. As long as there’s no holier-than-thou-ism involved, nothing judgmental of others from a different tribe, I’m happy. Because unless you live the life of a black hat you’re blurring lines and become an instant hypocrite if you criticise someone else’s line.

We went to eat with a fairly non-food-observant couple one day in Fitzrovia. And ordered squid. Which is deeply, profoundly banned. Mel, (tribe 3), won’t touch it. So here I could share it with people ‘like me’. But then it was noticed that there was some kind of ham which came with it. And that was a red line to this couple. It’s all about how you learned the rules. The choices remain yours and yours alone. If you don’t count God.

Sleeping with toy pigs is not in breach of any dietary laws.

Enjoy your lunch.

A xxxx

PART 1: Theory.

Rules are always made to be broken. That’s what my tattoo says. The imaginary one. On my forehead. Maybe between my shoulder blades. And the first rule I like to break is the one about kosher food. They make food to taste a certain way, its nothing to do with the religion of the food. Steak is strictly non-observant. Broccoli is atheist. Whereas lettuce is agnostic, which is why its limp, soggy and has no redeeming qualities or value.

Hindus won’t eat beef. The poor peasant farmers starve in the lean years whilst a herd of great, fat cattle graze, worshipped, in their fields. Buddhists are vegetarians. As they deserve to be. Muslims won’t drink alcohol, otherwise their food laws are pretty much the same as the Jewish ones. Unsurprising as they both stem from Abraham. The old bible geezer, Abraham, not the short order chef at Nobu, Abraham.

Jews have made a total fucking industry on NOT eating things. The rules have their own rules. It started as, basically, ‘don’t eat pig or shellfish and don’t mix milk with meat’ (I’m guessing these started for health reasons when cleaning dead animals wasn’t very skilful. And lots of cultures have issues with not cooking an animal in its mother’s milk). And as loose guidelines, these are good, if you like that kind of thing, and they’re workable.

But then the rabbis get involved. And it ends up an exercise in pedantry. Where everything you eat (and I mean EVERY-THING!!!!) including tooth paste, mouthwash… you got it?, everything has be made, produced, grown, manufactured in ways that not only adhere to the rules, but that are monitored at every single step of the way to ensure that the wheat in your daily bread didn’t at some point eat a pig. That a slaughtered lamb (and only slaughtered in a very special, monitored, controlled, observed way, obviously) hasn’t come in contact with some spilt milk, a lost prawn or anything which would render it ‘unkosher’. Once ‘approved’ it can be packaged and sold in a shop which again is monitored all day every day. Now that’s KOSHER!

Which is why it cost four times the price of any normal product. An expensive label. And the same with restaurants. To be ‘kosher’, everything served, every plate, glass, knife and fork and coffee bean has to be ‘watched’ to ensure it hasn’t slipped into a lobster when no-one was looking, or been accidentally abducted by a bacon seller.

So now you know the ‘rules’. In part 2, the next riveting episode, you’ll learn how to break them.

Happy Monday

A xxxx