Andy's Glasses

So what happens you discover that one of your favourite EVERRRRR songs has been covered by one of your favourite artists EVERRRRR?? Could be tragic. Could be disappointment, or could be… just brilliant.

I spend a lot of time of YouTube. 5 minutes is too much, 72 straight hours not enough. And mainly playing ‘old shit’ because that’s where I’m stuck, musically, with very few exceptions. And the main exception is Taylor Swift. I don’t know why. I really don’t. ‘Schoolgirl pop’ and ‘relationship angst’ were never in my top list of genres. It maybe because I find her captivating to look at? It maybe because I find her immensely talented? Possibly because she is very witty and can laugh at herself? Whatever, I love her. Truly, madly, deeply.

I was cruising through some old favourites and playing American Girl by Tom Petty. Which I’ve loved… forever. And found a Taylor Swift cover. Old (relatively). When she was about 9. Ten years ago. I’m not good with dates. But its just a cover. Nothing silly, it doesn’t even have its own video!!! Just a good old homage to a fantastic song.

Which led me to another American girl, Stevie Nicks. Who, back in the day, I was truly, madly, deeply in lust with. Unfortunately as was every other man who’d ever seen her or heard that throaty, raspy vibrato (music term, not a sex toy, ya frikin perve). And the ‘forever’ image of Stevie really is wearing that top hat. So I had to watch ‘go your own way’ 17 times. Which is no hardship as its such an outstanding piece of music.

Although the version of Edge of Seventeen performed live (1980/81 I’m guessing) is just something else. No top hat, just Stevie letting rip.

I just read a book called ‘Daisy Jones and the Six’. Which is, allegedly, based on/ inspired by/ allegorical to, Stevie Nicks. It’s a ‘rockumentary’ but in book form. And is quite brilliant. If ya like that kind’a thing. Which I really do, hence loved the book, and Mel really doesn’t, hence she didn’t. It’s very Hollywood Hills in the 70s and although fictional, you feel like you know everyone mentioned. And it had me thinking of the Eagles. I have no idea how these things connect. Early Eagles. New Kid in Town. Take it Easy. When they were more country than rock but simple and honest and, quite honestly, brilliant. More fucking YouTube…

And whilst I’m there, I virtually never visit without a trip to Despacito, the original Luis Fonsi version. Which is the most brilliant, most fun, most sensual, most wildly amazing video ever.

But I suggest you don’t visit any of these places. Really I don’t. You may never come out.

Happy Boxing Day

A xxxx

Jesus died to save me. According to some random man who told me just that as he walked past me outside Lords Cricket ground one evening. Just kind’a ‘en passant’. And it was a revelation! It changed my life! Three stars collided in the sky as he said it!! Oh, actually, a bus hit a lamp-post, but that’s almost the same thing! The miracle of St Johns Wood!!! And I was re-born! No more cynical bastard, no more atheistic unbeliever, no more swearing, no more struggling to comprehend Spurs’ place in the universe, no more shoes; its sandals only from now on; I’d found JESUSSSS!!!

But then I lost him again. One minute he was there, the next, nowhere be seen. (I may have exaggerated the ‘found Jesus’ bit, just a touch, artistic license.) And it wasn’t just the thought that at some point I may need to wear socks with my sandals that had me running away from the saviour I’d only just found. It’s the whole 9 yards. All of it. Just total bollocks. From the ‘virgin birth’ to the reincarnation, all the way to Life of Brian, just rubbish. I apologise if you’re a devout Christian, with or without the sandals, but that’s just how I feel about it. And about most of anyone’s and everyone’s religion. It’s like Brexit, you believe in it or you don’t. I’m only Jewish because I was born that way and they make the best chopped liver. If the 7th Day Adventists come up with a better recipe, then I’ll be one of them.

And at Christmas!!! What am I thinking???

Bad thoughts, that’s what I’m thinking. But not all bad. Can’t be all bad as I’m enjoying my second day off and have nine more to follow. And the weather’s lovely and we have a European trade deal, to end all deals! Which it probably will. We’ll have fallen foul of those horrible, dictatorial, inflexible Euros within a year. And then the ‘tariffs’ will arrive! You want a Renault (no idea why ya would, just anex-ample, innit), that’s well overpriced at 12 grand. But after the tariff, call it 51,000 even. Ok? Cos that leaves 39k to split between Merkel, Macron, Ursula Von der Leyen and Greece.

We have a ‘Canada Deal’. Not a Norway. Not even a Fiji or North Korea. Canada. Every polar bear we send them they give us three BMWs and a Camembert. It’s a good deal. If you like Camembert.

But if ‘the devil is in the details’ I think we’re all going to become satanists by the time we’re read the 2000 pages required to see which part of how many souls have been sold down the river. And by which side.

Happy Christmas to absolutely everyone. Even those of you I really don’t like.

A xxxx

We’re almost there. Europe. Not Europe. Leaving. But maintaining. Keeping sweet. Pissing off. Not staying, never staying, fuck ‘em all. Peripherally involved. Semi-European. We have finally reached the status of our own metaphor. We are an Island within the European continent, an isolated, separated and independent… thing in the middle of the North Sea.

Fortunately, that’s where most of the fish live too. Which is why we had bargaining power. Whatever the offer was from Michel (fucking) Barnier, whatever Ursula bitched about, however Macron and Merkel made their demands, the answer was the same: I’ll match that and raise you three haddock. The French love their fish so much they were prepared to swap 6,000 Covid infested lorries for half a dozen herrings.

So now, as I write this, we are actually ‘on the cusp’ of an agreement. Not ‘on the cusp’ like we have been for the past two-and-three-quarter years, but properly there. Just one simple, 2,000 page document to glance at and we’re done.

And we are ‘done’. I still maintain that this whole deal is a ‘fuckage limitation’ exercise for the biggest mistake our nation had ever made, but in the reign of King Boris we’re constantly re-defining what the term ‘fuck up’ really means. But never mind, we were saved by the cod. Although the details remain to be seen…

I wonder if the fish know they’re British, as they swim around? Are they aware that they might be wrapped (eventually) in last Tuesday’s Guardian pages, or those of La Monde? We need more research.

My wife likes Mickel Arteta, the Arsenal manager. Thinks he’s very handsome, in a swarthy way. And I have to agree. He’s beautiful. Has a nice family. Probably treats them really nicely. Wonderful father. Does lots of charitable work for the community. And possibly plays chess like a grandmaster, darts like a fat northern bastard or can dance like Fonteyn. He has a lot going for him.

Unfortunately, managing a football team, particularly ‘that’ football team is not one of his many virtues. They don’t pay him (probably) half a million quid a week to look pretty. Otherwise Sam Dyche would never work again. They pay him to take a bunch of fairly talented, profoundly mercenary, showboatingly individualistic foreigners, turn them into a cohesive ‘team’ and show them how to win.

Yet when I saw them against Manchester City the other night all I saw was hopeless. And still playing the ball wide to cross into… into… into someone really short who’s surrounded by really big defenders.

I will personally pay for Arsenal to extend Arteta’s contract for another 10 years. Keep it up, Mickel.

Happy Christmas Eve!!!

A xxxx

Sent from my iPad

London is currently ‘plague central’. Not surprised, with all those crowds everywhere, like on my tube train yesterday morning. You wouldn’t let cattle travel like that. But only because they’d get lonely. So we’re either adhering rigidly to our recently upgraded Tier 4 status, or ITS CHRISTMAS!!!! and no-one’s bothering to go into the office. Not that the trains have been busy since… well February really, but this was something else.

And all because London is the centre of the new Covid variant. It’s the centre of everything, that’s why we live here. And its always first with every new innovation. So the mutated form of coronavirus would obviously want to live here, like everyone else. Shying away from Manchester, Newcastle and definitely Scotland. Places that obviously don’t want our new, trendy, upmarket, hipster version of their Covid 19, which, incidentally, is known, rather catchily, as VUI-202012/01, like they never wanted the Kinks, the Rolling Stones, and even the Beatles had to come to London to find fame.

If you travel to Birmingham, f’rinstance, you have to quarantine for 10 days. Fortunately, I never want to go to Birmingham. Same applies to most cities outside of our elite, Tier 4, zone. As for going abroad; no-one wants us at all!!! Even the French have closed borders to Britain. Which is not a massive loss, unless you’re a lorry driver, but that’s along with about 44 other countries who’ve banned people from the UK. We have become the Millwall fans of Europe.

Yet once again, this ‘mutation’ of the original virus is a wonderful lesson in evolution. The virus wasn’t ‘changed by an unseen hand’ into something a bit more contagious, it didn’t ‘decide’ to become more efficient at spreading, it just mutated a bit and the mutation spread faster than the original. Hence infected more people and hence became the dominant strain. It’s just like any other evolution but much, much quicker due to the simplicity of virus DNA and the rate at which it can ‘reproduce’ (ie infect).

So I hope all the creationists in the world, the biblical adherents to the ‘world created in 1007 years’, I hope they’re happy that God must have not just created this virus but mutated the fucker too!

Happy 3rd wave

A xxxx

After the dire and disgusting and depressing and devastating football yesterday afternoon I went out. In a huff. Then came back, because going out is simply not allowed and there were 17 policemen outside my door questioning me prior to possible arrest. So I turned off the tv.

When I turned it back on, several hours later, our national game had morphed, courtesy of Sky, into American Football and I was watching armour plated robo-men crash heads (well, helmets). And in fact I love NFL and have done since 1981 when I went to America and couldn’t avoid the game anywhere. I’ve kind of peripherally followed it ever since, but rather sporadically of late.

And thus was amazed to see, in the score cards, the ‘Las Vegas Raiders’. Like, when did that happen? The world’s most nomadic football team has arrived in hell.

When I was in California they were the Oakland Raiders. From, kind’a, Oakland. But they moved in the early 80s to become the Los Angeles Raiders. Just like that. You support a team your whole life and they fucking move 400 miles away. And LA already had a team, the Rams. Though everyone hated the Rams, mainly because they played their matches in Anaheim, rather than LA itself. So the Rams then moved away and became the St Louis Rams. Where everyone loved them and they won loads of super bowls and jewellery and stuff. Then they moved back to LA. Which was no longer a problem as the Raiders had, by then, moved back to their ‘spiritual home’ of Oakland. Ahhh, that’s nice. Except this year they moved on to Vegas to join the hustlers, pimps and gangsters in the desert.

Could you move Manchester United to Cornwall and get away with it?

Well, in that single and specific case you probably could. Because there’s probably more Man U fans around Exeter than in Lancashire. But Liverpool? Can you imagine moving Liverpool football club to Brighton?

And I realise that is the fundamental difference between the national games of our two fine nations. Not the games themselves, obviously, but the fans and attitudes. Because fans in the US support a ‘franchise’. The Raiders. The Rams. The Patriots. And may love them wherever they move. The preceding bit, ‘LA’ or ‘New England’ or ‘Cleveland’ can change. Whereas football here is passionately regional. It’s the City or Town that is supported. Which is why we don’t bother with silly attached names like they adopted in rugby. And why it becomes territorial over here, and consequently nasty and violent.

So what happens to Americans whose franchise of choice was the Washington Redskins? They’re still in Washington but woke culture and PC stupidity has now dictated that ‘redskins’ is a prejudicial, inflammatory and not very nice name. So they have become (as I learned in shock last night), The Washington Football Team. Catchy. Clever. Original. So if their franchise moved from Washington their fans would have nothing. Just ‘football team’.

All this because I can’t talk about proper football. Not after the week I’ve had. If I wanted to love a team who take 1 point from 3 matches I’d be an optimistic Arsenal fan.

Happy miserable, rainy, Tier 4 Monday

A xxxxx

It’s the Christmas holidays, innit. And for us, those two words, Christmas and holidays are kind of separated. By several continents. We haven’t done a Christmas in the UK for about 36 years. Because given a choice between spending the time off at home with Auntie Mabel, getting another monogrammed beige cardigan (do I fucking look like Val Doonican???), or lying on a beach in 85 degrees of sunshine sipping Margeritas/daiquiris/sake/beer/ANYTHING, call me old-fashioned but I’ll take the latter. I’ll even take Mel with me because she ‘needs’ sunshine in the winter. And I’m prepared to make that sacrifice. That’s Love!!

But this year we’re going to spend Christmas in Tier 4. And we’re not even having sufficient around to justify a turkey. We’ve ordered three quarters of a chicken instead as there’s only us and Mel’s elderly dad, with whom we share some kind of bubble arrangement or care or something that I’d know properly if I gave a shit about the ever changing rules and regulations.

We’re not even spending ‘the day’ with Lila and Joey!!! Because they’ve gone on holiday. Today. For some rest and relaxation. So let me tell you how that worked out, exactly.

They booked it 2 weeks ago. Bargain. All holidays are bargains, currently, because taking them is too fraught for most to even consider. To wit, 4 days after they booked Boris added Tenerife, their destination, to the list of banned substances. Ok, he didn’t, but he added it to the list of ‘quarantine for 2 weeks upon return’ places. Which is a problem. Cos if L & J can’t go to nursery, mummy and daddy can’t work. Oh. But we can overcome that, short quarantine, take a covid test and then its only one week. Phew. We’re going!!

Then more doubts, more deliberations, more potential problems, but we’re still going!

Yesterday arrived. Tier… FOUR!!! Stay in, go nowhere, no travel, don’t breathe, lock your doors and, notably, no flights!!! Several hours of web-site searching and calls to airlines and resorts later, full of sweat, tears and anxiety… WE CAN GO!!!

And they’ve arrived. Safe and sound at their resort. Which is all inclusive, so even 14 hours of therapy with a team of covid counsellors is free. And needed to get over the preceding fortnight.

Happy holidays

A xxxx

Now this is funny. I went for a walk this afternoon. We went out in the almost sunshine, in Tier 3. But we came back in the pissing down rain, in TIER 4!!!! I mean, that’s fucking Twilight Zone, right there. But other than the weather, is Tier 4 really any different? I’m not sure. Liverpool beat Palace 7 nil, but as that was in Tier 3, will the result be allowed to stand? I think not. Crystal Palace is in London and thus was about to enter the Tier that didn’t exist before 4 o’clock this afternoon, giving Liverpool a decidedly unfair advantage. Not over Palace, no-one cares about them, but over Spurs who, as a consequence of losing at Liverpool in the week and then being in the same Tier as Palace, find themselves 6 points adrift. There should be some kind of furlough scheme for Premiership points lost purely as a result of the virus. I’m going to speak to Rishi Sunak about it.

The only rule I can find about Tier 4 is ‘CHRISTMAS IS BANNED!!!, SANTA SIGHTINGS; SHOOT TO KILL! REINDEER TO BE EATEN ONLY! Which doesn’t really tell me if I can play tennis in the morning, so I will. I can only do so much to stem the virus.

There’s a super irony, or perhaps a lesson to be learned, for anyone sufficiently arrogant or complacent to think that ‘humanity’ is some kind of evolutionary ‘pinnacle’, as if directed, dare I say, by God! Which is bollocks. Evolution simply means the more people reproduce the more copies they make and if environmentally viable, (sufficient food, stable and favourable conditions), the more successful they’ll be.

Well viruses are about a billion years older than Homo sapiens and still going strong, possibly even destroying us as they continue. Which would they be ironic in a different way because viruses can’t live without their ‘host’. Which in this case, is us. So if the virus took over, it would die out too. And then there’ll be nothing. Well, dogs, cats, cows, birds, fish and three-toed sloths. Which would be good for other, non-human viruses but we wouldn’t be here to appreciate it.

I only hope that Spurs are top of the league when that happens.

Happy last Saturday before what used to be Christmas.

A xxxx

So we’re faced with a situation that is not so much merely ‘unprecedented’ as almost ‘unique in the annals of history’. Thus, before we get too harsh on our government (even though they totally fucking deserve it, and more) we must appreciate the horrors of having to face a problem which changes its face daily. Which shape-shifts, alters its course and yet in all guises remains devastating and destructive to our way of life.

I speak, of course, about Brexit. Which, in turn, remains, the most boring, long-winded, ill-conceived love child of Nigel Farage and Boris sodding Johnson. Both of whom will suffer eternity in the fires of hell.

Whereas for those of a much purer, whiter, cleaner spiritual base, we have to take ‘hell’ where we find it. And for me, personally speaking, that place is football. Dante’s 10th level. He supported Fiorentina.

So this is hell.

We (I feel I can include myself in all facets of ‘my’ team, thus the use of the first person) are top of the league. Ok, its a bit precarious, we’re not like 16 points clear with 3 games in hand, we’re more… sort of resting there. Hopefully to stay rather than just keeping it warm for another team. Yet we like it there. It feels nice. I could get used to it. (I’d give at least one of my own limbs to get used to it).

So on the weekend Chelsea, one of the ‘chasing pack’ fucked up. Great news. Manchester City fucked up. Fab. Arsenal fucked up, which was of no consequence for the top of the league whatsoever, I just mention it for fun. And eventually, Liverpool fucked up with a mere draw at Fulham. So that was the weekend to consolidate. Get some breathing space at the top. And ‘all we had to do’ was beat Crystal Palace. But we failed. It didn’t happen. We drew. Thus remained top, level on points but ahead on goal difference, with Liverpool.

Who we play tonight.

To facilitate our way, Chelsea again lost last night and Man City quite honestly just don’t count any longer. Once again leaving our stars perfectly aligned. With a win we put distance between us and ‘the rest’. Not a million mile distance, but something. If we draw we stay top but become vulnerable to Leicester and Southampton who are (unbelievably) our main rivals other than the Scousers.

And that is my definition of ‘hell’. When all is in place and we ‘just’ have to…

HELP MEEEEEEE!!!

A xxx

… about Mesut Ozil.

Not: because he earns 340k per (fucking!!!!) week and doesn’t play at all. (Arsenal’s problem is my joy and pleasure).
Not: because he’s an inflammatory fucker who left the German team due to alleged ‘racism’ after he posed in a photo with President Erdoğan, the horrendous, undemocratic, abusive, restrictive, nasty, shitty boss of Turkey. Germans? Racist? Never heard that one before.
Not: because he has a reputation for footballing excellence which is only ever deployed against Wigan, Leyton Orient and Shrewsbury, on the domestic front, the Faro Islands, Madagascar and Fiji in internationals. Against any decent team he hides for 90 minutes or until substituted.
Not: because he was either never taught to tackle or feels it beneath a man of his stature (5 foot 3) to deploy such a clumsy and lowly tactic.

But because he just avoided a driving ban.

Was traveling at 97 on the motorway in his G-wagon. To his credit, he admitted his guilt straight away (like he could deny it with 13 speed cameras and 47 policemen witnessing). But then came his ‘mitigating circumstances’.

Firstly, ‘I was thinking in kilometres, not miles’. I mean… I mean… how is that a fucking excuse? ‘I’m too stupid to realise that Luton is part of England and not in the Sudetenland’.

Secondly, that he ‘needs his car for work every day’. Why? He doesn’t play football any more, why does he need to be there?

Thirdly, that he’d otherwise have to use public transport and with coronavirus…
Like for 17 million quid a year, he can’t afford an Uber? In fact in its current state he could probably afford to buy Transport for London. Save the tax-payer a fortune.

And lastly, that he has a non-driving wife and a little baby. That was when the judge started tearing up and asked for the Kleenex. Just before fining him £1000. Holy shit! A thousand (English, in case Mesut was wondering) pounds!!! No ban, a few points and a grand.

He should be imprisoned. In Germany, after we deport him. Or better still, in Turkey. For his very own Midnight Express experience.

Does make you wonder though, in those lovely moments when considering Arsenal’s results and corresponding league position, why they don’t actually try playing their most expensive player. Just, like, for, kind’a, 10 minutes. See how it goes. It really couldn’t make things any worse, could it?

Happy Tuesday

A xxxx

It’s deal day. For some, fairly arbitrary it must be said, reason, today is deal or no deal day for Brexit. Either we skulk away into self-imposed isolation never to eat a croissant again, or we skulk away into self-imposed isolation eating croissants which cost £320 and can only be made with produce sourced at a fair (European Union) price, baked by (European Union) approved bakers whose contract of employment has been ratified by some nonce from Belgium. Or a tosser from Latvia. Obviously the insulting of Europeans will have to stop as from December 31st if we do get ‘a deal’. In case of war.

I don’t know why tomorrow is too late when, for my money (and it is MY FUCKING MONEY!!!, and yours), all this deal avoidance could have taken place any time within the last 3 years at least giving transport companies the time to get 426 lorries into the queue at Dover and to build a few more shipping containers, which are in short supply where they’re needed (ie: China) whilst they’re stockpiled in every British port, empty.

Here’s a Christmas quiz for you. You have 19 minutes to complete it:
Make a sentence which must include these words and phrases, and hand it in at your local Coronavirus test centre before Tuesday at noon.

Boris
Brewery
Piss up
If his life depended on it
Couldn’t
Fucking (x3, at least)

Neatness WILL count towards your final mark in the event of a tie-break.

There’s no way we will get any deal whatsoever, even one not worth having. It would be politically suicidal for Boris to agree to anything whatsoever which might be construed as ‘giving up our sovereignty’, however minor such sacrifice might be. Because he and his band of far righters have always and only really wanted simple and total dislocation. The rest was so much posturing and appeasing to the 49% of us who thought leaving to be the most stupid thing since… since Chamberlain thought Hitler might get better with time.

I don’t ever go fishing. It’s boring. I leave my fishing to the French. Who love it so much that 85% of fishes caught in UK waters are eaten in Paris and Toulouse, Montpellier and Biarritz. Presently, and for a further 15 days, they pay us nothing for this privilege. But as of 1st of Jan we can charge them what they want. Cod and… chips, peas, mash, cod and everything will be off the menus and they’ll just have to eat more horses instead. Fucking savages.

Because to keep the fishing rights they need to give us trade agreements. Which they’re happy to do, as long as every box in every trade, for every worker and company and every deal, is according to strict EU terms. If not, for now and into an unlimited future, we may be liable for tariffs and fines imposed. Motherfuckers.

And, much as I’d love to blame it on that little shit Macron, on the big lump Merkel, on Barniers, Von Der whassername and all. I actually think this one’s on Boris. Who, despite making unlimited noises for 36 months, has never wanted any deal worthy of the name.

Happy Sunday

A xxxx