Andy's Glasses

So how’d that go then? Letting Usman Kahn, convicted of terrorism charges, out of prison ‘under license’, wearing a digital tag, because he’d been ‘de-radicalised’? How’d that go?

I’ll tell you how it went; the obscene fucker stabbed 5 people, randomly, killing two of them, and then incurred the wrath of London. Or, more specifically, of Londoners. As he was attacked by 5 or 6 incredibly brave people who basically said to him: ‘you can just fuck off with your stupid violent ideology, we do not fear you or twenty people like you’. And they held him down, just long enough for the police to arrive and shoot him dead. Which I originally thought was a bit much, then I learned he was wearing a bogus suicide vest. And you only know its bogus when it doesn’t go off, so best not take chances.

Fleet Street lit up with police lights and we were deafened for about 10 minutes by sirens, bells and whistles as the emergency services sped to London Bridge. But we didn’t know that. All we know was it became really noisy and ‘something had happened’.

But how had it happened? How is it possible to misjudge a person so greatly as to imagine he’d been ‘cured’ of his radicalisation when in fact he was still the same fucked up scumbag he was when he entered prison all those years ago.

In the same way that if my freedom depended upon it, I could pass myself off, really convincingly, as a devoted and loyal Arsenal fan, shedding real tears when talking about Wenger, getting excited about Mezut Ozil at least one day in 30, expressing my incredible relief at the departure of Unai Emery. I could do it easy. I could pass the lies and no-one could see the join.

So how do these people think that they can not only ‘de-radicalise’, but also tell that the process has been a total success? The answer, as Usman Kahn has now proved, at a great fucking cost, is that you just can’t. There is no way.

The only surprising thing about the whole horrendous episode is that Jeremy Corbyn almost condemned the action, rather than the shooting, which is what I’d expected, after he’d lost a definite vote in the upcoming election. He didn’t even blame America for invading Afghanistan, our army for atrocities in Iraq or Israel, just for being there. As Ken Livingstone did after the 7/7 attacks.

What a fucked up world.

Happy Saturday

A xxxx

What constitutes a ‘safe job’ in football management? Actually, there isn’t one. Mauricio Pochettino was the 22nd sacking this season of a club manager (across all the 4 divisions). The first was Sol Campbell, ironically, given rumours, by very optimistic Arsenal fans, that Poch my cross ‘the divide’ and assist their blighted, beleaguered… buggered club. Sol was sacked by Macclesfield Town in September. Not sure how bad a manager you need to be to achieve that. Let that be a warning to Poch!!! Not sure why.

But with Arsenal’s loss last night in what should have been a fairly routine home match against Eintracht Frankfurt, Unai Emery (happy, Jonathan!!!) has had his status altered from ‘dead man walking’ to ‘gone in all but the physical action of leaving’. The match was played in front on a huge crowd (Mr & Mrs Hopeful of Stirling Way, N14 and their son, Nigel) because the weather was awful and most Arsenal fans are ashamed to be seen in kit traveling by tube on a Thursday. But it was also a ‘protest’. And in that they are right. Their team are shit. Much like ours was until God arrived in the form of the modest and special Portuguese saviour.

Before you start feeling sorry for the ‘poor managers’, do remember that they have cast iron contracts and when they leave they take all their contracted earnings with them. Morinho alone must have made 50 million quid on sackings alone. He arrives, he wins things, he crumbles, he gets sacked, he goes to the bank with a big smile.

Everton desperately need a new manager, Watford are in dire straights and there are many in precarious positions. And its not about winning matches. Not totally. The manager is at risk when the players stop playing. They can still win the odd match, as Spurs did, but the spark goes, the passion leaves. They no longer give a shit about ‘the shirt’ which three weeks prior they were kissing as if it was Jesus himself.

But its not about Jesus. This is football. It’s much more important than anything religion can offer. And the managers are the ones who keep it ticking along, keep their ducks in a row and try as they can to maintain cohesion and camaraderie in a group of arrogant, ignorant divas who mistake having fourteen different Range Rovers with having intelligence.

I should feel for Emery. But instead find myself smirking in a way that makes me ashamed. I hope Unai stays all season, if not longer.

I am a bad person.

Happy Friday

A xxxx

This cockerel is nothing to do with Tottenham Hotspur. Ok, it looks like our cockerel but its not. Probably a cousin. Great-grandfather. From Nigeria. But as any cockerel will undoubtedly and immediately catch my eye in that ‘conditioned stimulus’ kind of way that dogs react to slabs of meat, I read the tale of the ‘Okuko’, this bronze statue thingy which for for a century and more sat in Jesus College, Cambridge. In the dining room. Which is a bit sad in an ironic way, but they never thought of that.

What they thought was, I’m an imperialist warmongering Brit, doing Queen Vic’s work on the savages, barbarians and ungodly natives in faraway lands, I’m gonna nick this chicken and give it to Cambridge University. The Nigerians don’t need it no more, we’ll give them religion instead. Ok, and a bit of rape and pillage, but we mean well.

So inevitably, there was outrage when students found out this was originally from Benin City and demanded its return to ‘its people’. As if this little unspectacular chicken held the meaning of life for the entire African continent.

They complained that said cockadoodle glorified Britain’s colonial past. And demanding the removal of such items of our nation’s former ‘glories’ is all the vogue at Oxbridge. At Oxford they demanded the removal of Cecil Rhodes statue because of his links to slavery. Even though the legacy of the man is still there, providing bursaries and scholarships for brilliant kids who otherwise wouldn’t be able to attend such an incredible seat of learning. Bill Clinton was a Rhodes scholar so you obviously don’t have to be that bright. But Cecil Rhodes!!! BASTARD FACIST IMPERIALIST SLAVE-MASTER!!!!

In Scotland they’re making ‘reparations’ because the governors who set up some university there in 1700-and something were bankers who had links to slavery. As did virtually all banks back then.

Everywhere has a past. Everywhere has a history. Judging that history by today’s quite often ridiculous standards of political correctness is wrong on every level. Even vile things like slavery and the brutality of imperial invasion happened. You can’t deny it and you can’t undo it. It’s a past we’ve hopefully learned from. So why try and erase it from our present? That represents just so much bollocks. In my simple mind.

So they want to return everything stolen in every war, battle and invasion. Good luck with that. How about also removing the horrendous ‘Christianity’ that was so often forced down the throats of the ‘unenlightened’? Oooooh, that’s controversial.

Happy Thursday

A xxxx

The Pope’s in Tokyo. Catch a flight now and you can see him. Though he’s very popular there and you might not get in. Because there’s 600,000 Catholics in Japan. Which is quite a few. But out of a population of 125 million that’s less than half a percent of the people. But because Japan was never part of any European ‘empire’ or invaded by the Spanish, French or Portuguese, it was never Catholicised. So the other 99.5% of the population follow Shinto and Buddhism. The ‘less demanding’ of religious pursuits. ‘Home grown’ religion. Where there are no ‘holy days’, they don’t demand your presence every week, there’s no flagellation and guilt and the priests aren’t all child molesting weirdos. I like that. There are just shrines. And if you’re going to an interview, an important meeting, anything special, you just stop off, drop a few coins in (charity’s good) and offer a prayer. To whom exactly, I don’t know. But a massive proportion of Japanese follow these simple and quick little rituals very regularly. It’s a cross between religion and superstition. As are most religions.

My religion is much more demanding. It makes me eat chopped liver every week. And challah (literally the bread of God, because it tastes like He bakes it Himself using only ingredients available in heaven, Daniels and Rinkoffs). And my religion also makes me hate Jeremy Corbyn. Though to be honest I think I’d still hate him if I was a Hindu, Muslim or Zoroastrian. Though I think its easier to hate him as a Jew. Especially now the Chief Rabbi himself has made it open season on Corbyns and all other anti-semites.

It’s unheard of for a Chief Rabbi to make political statements. Particularly of a precise and specific nature rather than something wishy-washy and general. And this Chief Rabbi, unlike his predecessor and some others, is not a ‘player’. He’s a lovely, calm, quiet and witty man, full of spirituality and love. He doesn’t have ‘an agenda’. He’s not looking for a seat in the Lords, or at Lords even, that’s not what he’s about. So should he speak out as he did? As a spiritual and religious leader, is political comment and, basically, voting advice, beyond his remit? Crossing a line??

No. It’s not. The only thing it is really is preaching to the converted. Because 85% of Jews would apparently not vote for Labour because of Corbyn. I’m seriously curious about the other 15%. I’d like to meet them and talk to them, possibly hit them with large objects.

Andrew Neil last night asked Jezza if he’d like to apologise for the anti-semitism, whether down to him or his party, which has caused such distress, has been hateful, hurtful and nasty, and which has made his party an unsafe place for Jews, particularly Jewish women. In fact Andrew Neil asked him four times if he’d like to say sorry. And four times The Dipstick instead uttered his worthless and stupid mantra about how ‘the Labour Party is no place for racists and anti-semites!!!’ Which remain meaningless and unsubstantiated sound-bytes. It’s like Prince Andrew saying he’s opposed to underaged sex and people who can’t remember things.

The Battle continues.

Spurs came back from being 2-nil down against Olympiakos to win 4-2. That’s amazing. That’s incredible. That’s… Jose? Are we feeling the love yet? Hmmm, jury’s out.

Happy Wednesday

A xxxx

Well I’m sorry if I’m late today, Jesus! So you had to read the newspaper on the tube instead, big fucking deal! I’m not solely in charge of your morning reading matter, I have RESPONSIBILITIES. Even if I’m consistently the most irresponsible person I know. Not the point. You’re important, but when I get a call to see if I can take Lila to school due to ‘logistical difficulties’ then I’m out the bleedin’ door in a second! Then I return, put my shoes on, possibly a jacket, and I’m off again. LILA NEEDS MEEEEEEEE!!!!!

I call it ‘school’. She’s two and a half and its probably just ‘nursery’. But she’s clever. Recognises all her letters and numbers and can perform simple calculus on the binomial expansion. While she’s watching Pepper Pig. And she can speak french. Well, she can say ‘croissant’. Fluently.

So this morning I became a ‘school-run-mum’. It’s easy. I swapped Mel’s Mini for a 19 seater Hummer, took it down all the roads it doesn’t fit into, ran over 4 cyclists, 9 pedestrians and three policemen, parked RIGHT OUTSIDE THE UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE (I’ve upgraded her again), on a triple yellow line, across a zebra crossing, with people on it.

I could have taken an Uber. But this morning they lost their license to operate in London. Ok, it wasn’t ‘with immediate effect’ but I like to obey the letter of any law COMPLETELY.

Because I believe in Transport for London. TFL. I believe that even though they are the same company which licenses, controls and sets fares for black cabs, Uber represent ‘no conflict of interest’ to them. They’re bigger than that. They’re above that. And are only concerned about our ‘safety’.

Because Uber employ men to drive. Well, not ‘employ’ in the usual sense… and you can’t trust men. Even though a vast majority of Black cab drivers are men too. They’re different men. More… womanly? more… gentle? (ever met a taxi driver??) And although Uber do stringent checks on all their drivers, as do Hackney Carriages, Uber’s don’t count because…

And furthermore, the argument that ‘my daughter can’t afford taxis coming home from a club at 4am but gets Ubers all the time’ is just not something TFL consider anything to do with ‘safety’. These daughters can get the night tube. Which, when it runs, would leave them just a 3 hour walk from home. And its perfectly safe. Drunk men, when not vomiting, are notoriously safe travel companions for any young woman. Or they could save up for a few months and get a ‘proper taxi’ home.

So ‘we’ (and I speak for all of London here; well, at least the 3 million Uber users among us) are happy that TFL are looking after us so carefully and concerned with our safety. And understand that such decisions are not in any way made because neo-Corbynite Sadiq Khan just hates high-value, American start-ups. Nothing about that at all.

Well done TFL.

Happy Monday

A xxxx

You only sing when you’re winnin’;
Sing when you’re wiii-nnin…
(Rinse and repeat. And repeat. And repeat.)

I LOVE JOSE MORINHO!!! He’s our saviour, our Lord, our GOD and the best manager that football has ever known! He’s pretty, he’s clever, he’s wonderful, he’s ‘modest’ and HE WINS.

As he did yesterday. For Spurs. At an away match. The first away win since January in the league for Spurs. Which part of me hated (a really, really small part) because it seemed to vindicate the horrible decision to sack Poch. And I really haven’t come to terms with Jose at all. Can’t understand that when this man that I’ve hated for decades says ‘we’, he’s talking about MY Spurs.

There is a Morinho ‘pattern’, which always starts with a win. Always. And with wins comes the charm. And indeed the ‘modesty’. And the nonchalance, the gushing praise for ‘his’ players, the happiness and light. And as long as we keep winning this will endure. But if we start to lose…

I don’t even want to think about it. I just want to enjoy the moment. That first 60 minutes of yesterday’s game. When, for the first time certainly this season, and at least the second half of the last one, we looked like Spurs. Proper Spurs. Full of skill and speed and pressing and passing and flicking and overlapping and… and… and…

It was just wonderful to watch. Didn’t matter that it was only West Ham. A team for which I sincerely have nothing but the utmost… contempt, because it could have been any team. We just flew out of the blocks and started the assault. Gave them not a second, not a breath. Barely a chance for any of their thugs to even draw back his fist before 6 flowing passes had taken the play 70 yards away. The beautiful game had never looked more beautiful than in that first half. Absence indeed made the heart grow fonder.

And Jose can be ‘modest’, can say ‘it was just the players, nothing to do with me’, because the headlines in all media have already stated that ‘Jose did it!!!’ He has no need to embellish.

So although I’m not yet sure of the whole Jose thing, I’m thrilled with yesterday and so pleased that at least we’ve prevented Arsenal from getting a possibly brilliant manager at a time when their world, albeit from one place, one point above us, looks on the verge of total collapse.

The (immediate) future looks (fairly) bright. I’m a Spurs fan. Not ready to ‘commit’ yet.

Very Happy Sunday

A xxxx

Jeremy Corbyn is officially ‘Brexit-neutral’. He said so yesterday. Which, like ‘gender-neutral’ is a pretty worthless and annoying thing to be. Everyone has a gender, whether they choose to deploy it or not, and thus everyone has a view on Brexit, however woolly and sitting-on-fences they appear to be. But I like the idea of Brexit-neutral. Similarly I heard another wonderful expression the other day, from a rather large woman with whom I was eating chocolate (I never claimed to be a good example to anyone). She described herself as ‘trans-slender’. And as euphemisms go; its a goody.

The anti-semitism within the Labour Party is vast, catalogued, video-taped and covers acres of paper. Yet the esteemed leader is still not so much in denial and stuck in a broken record of ‘we’re opposed to all forms of racism’ hell on a tape loop. He says it all the time. In the same way a KKK member could be saying ‘I’m opposed to all forms of discrimination’ as he’s stringing up a black man to a tree. Meaningless words.

So now the ‘Jewish Voice for Labour’ have appealed to all Jews to vote for Labour and are telling them that ‘there is no anti-semitism!!!’ How is it anti-Semitic to stereotype and persecute Jewish people, issuing violent threats against them and forcing them out of the party? How on Earth could that be misunderstood as some form of ‘anti-semitism’?? Some people are just sooooo sensitive…

They also said ‘if an anti-Jewish march took place down Cable Street today (famous march of Moseley’s brown-shirts in the 30s when the dockers came along to support the Jews and beat the shit out of the fascists) do you think Corbyn would be anywhere but on the side opposing the fascists???’ An interesting question. But if you want to properly contemporise the issue, which side would JC march on if it was an anti-Jewish march in Cable Street by the present inhabitants who are predominantly Muslim?

So deny all you will, Corbyn, the anti-semitism was/is real, whether you choose to accept that or not. By just stating your opposition is to deny the problem exists. And if it doesn’t exist then it doesn’t need any attention. Not after Shami Chakrabarti’s extensive whitewash.

Today is possibly the biggest game for Spurs in 5 years. New manager. New broom. New team. New everything. Well, except the fans. We’re the same. You can’t buy us for a few million quid!!! (If only). And I have spent the week studiously ignoring all articles about Jose, turning away from ‘why Pochettino had to go’ bullshit and generally adopting the ostrich principle about the whole thing. Because I still love Poch deeply and simply cannot actually accept that Morinho is now our manager.

Of course, if we win, I reserve the right to reconsider my options. Which aren’t many anyway, as I don’t get to vote in this one. Just the other one.

Happy, rainy Saturday

A xxxx

According to sources, (cos I wouldn’t read it under torture), yesterday’s Daily Male contained 11 pages of ‘news’ about Prince Andrew, 7 pages about Spurs and 6 about the general election. Ok, its a shitty newspaper but I think really that’s the state of the gossip in the nation. Particularly this part of the nation. In North London. Not sure what the general population (ie non-football fans) in Huddersfield think about Jose Morinho’s appointment but its probably ‘not much’. We down here also think ‘not much’ but in a completely different way. And the people of Huddersfield have bigger concerns, like getting a new chancellor for their university. As the old one (Prince Andrew) has… errrr… he’s been… well, let’s just say is ‘no longer fit for purpose’. At such an esteemed seat of learning. He’s only good at turning a fender-bender into a total international, catastrophic train-wreck with no survivors. How’d that interview go, Andy?

Jeremy Corbyn’s manfesto is… is BRILLIANT!! It promises the world and offers EVERYTHING we, the public need. He’ll take a few bob here from the billionaires (everyone hates them) and a couple quid a week from there (massive corporations… hmmmm… even though they seem to employ more than just a few ‘workers’) and borrow a bit from… some other people (foreigners really, don’t count as real money) and in return WE (the entire nation of good Britishers) get free fucking broadband!! AND better broadband than they get in… Starbucks!!! Though Starbucks will have left the country by then because of increased corporation tax capital gains tax. The NHS will get all their ambulances polished every week (£6billion a year) and nurses will get shorter skirts on their uniforms to make it more like ‘Carry On Doctor’. (£9 bil). He’s also taking back the post office, the gas and electric, the trains and possibly McDonalds in the ‘FREE BIG MACS FOR EVERYBODY!!!’ giveaway. (£22 bil).

So you can google to your heart’s content whilst getting fat. And all FREE!!!

Students will pay NOTHING for ANYTHING; tuition, books, pencils, computers, drugs, booze and lawyers to defend the rape charges. All free. (£77 bil).

The old will get all the care they need, starting at age 49 when full, final-salary pensions kick in, plus carers and all bills paid (£486 bil).

Those in between the students and the ‘old’ will get more things, great things, big things, wonderful things.

And all at a total cost of…

The complete removal of incentive, inspiration, career aspiration and most job creation.

Surely that’s not too high a price?

VOTE LABOUR.

A xxxx

So what happened yesterday was that two men left their offices for good. Stepped down from public life. One was Prince Andrew, the disgraced royal befriender of paedophiles, the other was Mauricio Pochettino, the former manager and Demi-god of Tottenham Hotspur football club. And I think the replacement went to the wrong place.

Rather than coming to Spurs, I feel Jose Morinho would be a much better fit at Buckingham Palace. He’s pompous, arrogant and never admits his mistakes. He thinks himself ‘special’ and acts as if he owns the place. The royals actually do ‘own the place’, so I think that Jose should be transferred immediately to the Royal Family as Prince Andrew’s replacement and Spurs can look elsewhere for a manager.

Who might be less… ‘pragmatic’ in style. Ok, pragmatism apparently wins trophies but there’s more to life than trophies. I fear that Jose may take my team of highly skilled and artful individuals and turn them in a collective bus-parking operation.

Whereas Prince Andrew’s interview with Emily Maitlis went so well he’s actually considering another. If you can believe. To ‘clear the air’ that was so heavily polluted by his last interview. The absolute low point of which, in my eyes, was when he described Jeffrey Epstein’s behaviour as ‘unbecoming’. As Emily was quick to point out; ‘he’s a sex offender!!’. A paedophile. A child abuser. ‘Unbecoming’ is when you wear the wrong colour tie. Unbecoming is when you fall over at a ball after too much champers. Not when you abuse children then pass them round to your sick and evil mates to do likewise. That’s so far south of ‘unbecoming’ as to be positively Antarctic.

Fortunately for both Jose and Andrew, there’ll be lots of money around for whatever they choose to do. The political parties are falling over themselves to offer ‘bribes’ to the electorate in terms of tax breaks, hand-outs, benefits, housing, health service improvements, better trains, roads, sewers, more police, shit-loads of teachers, old-age care, free nursery places, everything… which can never be implemented if they stay in government for 90 years.

I know its what electioneering is all about, promises made to be broken. But its kind of wrong. It could almost be read as ‘lying’. But I’d never use such a term. Instead they use an euphemism for telling outrageous untruths. It’s the word ‘manifesto’. Which translates from the original Aromaic as: talking such bullshit as flying pigs.

Happy Thursday

A xxxx

Well there’s certainly one way to forget about the election, forget about Brexit, about Labour, Corbyn, McDonnell, forget about Hong Kong, even forget about Prince Andrew. Just sack your team’s manager and everything else becomes unimportant, trivial, almost meaningless. But even that truly massive, globally humongous, tragically earth-shattering event almost pales into insignificance when the new manger is introduced to the world.

Jose Fucking Morinho. To give him his full title. ‘The Special One’.

The king is dead, long live the unbalanced, psychiatrically-challenged, terminally-whingeing Portugeezer.

But I come to praise Pochettino, not to bury him. (Sorry, Julius). Because all Spurs fans simply love the man, with all our hearts and souls. He took a team with promise but no spine, with money but no sense of value, with physicality but no endurance and turned all that potential into something remarkable, something impressive, something wonderful. And all the while speaking (mainly Spanish) with intelligence, with humour, with class and most importantly and unusually, with humility. He is what is known as ‘a mensch’. He improved the team’s fitness to the point where we were fitter, faster, more active than any other team. We became the Duracell Bunnies of the Premier League. We had to in order to play the ‘high press’ game that signified those wonderful 3 years. Which all ended in January this year. No-one knows why, but turn to shit it did.

But alas January happened. And whether due to dressing room issues (sleeping with another player’s wife can do that, if it happened) or due to transfer rumours and intentions, the ‘love’, which had been so strongly and constantly evident during the Poch years, simply ended. And after the break this season just carried on in the same abysmal way, which has been awful to see. Mainly for Daniel Levy. So Poch had to go. Causing tears to flow in every single Spurs fan.

And then he appointed Morinho last night, and the crying increased. As Tory-boy succinctly stated: ‘we’ve enjoyed trophyless glory, maybe time for gloryless trophies’.

Because Morinho is famous for two things: winning trophies, which he has done at every club he’s managed in the last 16 years; and cracking up under any strain and blaming his players, individually and collectively, for anything bad that happens. Or the team doctor. Anyone. The former we can forgive, the second we may have to adjust to.

His contract is for 4 years. That’s the pay he’ll get. The duration of his stay may be much less. It’s the Morinho way.

This headline in today’s paper lifted my spirits no end. I’M STILL MIDDLE-AGED!!!! And so is Jose.

Happy Wednesday

A xxxx