Andy's Glasses

There was an old gun in the ‘wild west’ that was called a ‘Peacemaker’. In America that’s not an ironic name. That’s how they see peace coming about. By shooting all the un-peaceful people. You want peace; buy a gun. They still think like that.

And I think that’s Trump’s model for his role as ‘international peacemaker in chief’. He makes threats, then he cosies up for a little ‘tete-a-tete’, praises how successful the meeting was, then either does nothing (North Korea) or changes his tune and resumes the accusation-hurling (Russia). He never quite made the trip to Iran, where I’m sure his popularity would almost exceed that of the British public, but its a similar pattern. Act nasty, then act pally, then impose international sanctions that puts the (peacemaker’s) bullet into economic head of that nation. The coup de gras for a country almost on its knees.

And I have great sympathy for the Iranian people. Yet virtually none for the ‘state of Iran’ who are horrible, hostile, warlike and the nation I would least like to see armed with nukes.

The British have identified 2 ‘interesting parties’ regarding the Novichok poisonings. Surprisingly, both are Russians. Who’d’a guessed that? CCTV footage has been analysed (presumably at GREAT length as Salisbury was about 4 months ago) and two suspects identified. Extradition requests have begun.

What a total waste of fucking money and effort.

Russia don’t extradite. Particularly killers who are on the government payroll. That wouldn’t be very loyal. Could even be construed as ‘unfair dismissal’ and Poot’n would have to face an employment tribunal. We’re still waiting for Andrei Lugavoy to be extradited for the murder of Alexander Litvinenko in 2007. He never arrived to face charges. Instead he was a national hero back home in Russia and became an MP.

The world’s in a total mess. Only football can save us. And, as luck would have it, football has finally arrived home. Or will do on Saturday. Well, I suppose that the ‘season’ officially started last weekend when the Championship was played. But as no-one (other than Ali) watches that the rest of us have had to endure yet another footy-less week. 2 days to go in the new, shortened transfer window and Spurs have bought… and sold…

Not been a busy time for transfers. Hope we don’t regret that. Though there’s still 2 days to go and that is certainly ‘Levy-time’.

Happy Tuesday

A xxxx

According to a new study in Iowa, (that’s in the middle of America, grows corn, nothing else of any interest within a thousand miles in any direction of it) as we get older we become less likely to admit our mistakes. Oh yes, its true. Proven beyond doubt. Though that ‘doubt’ has more to do with arbitrary measures of ‘statistical significance’ than it has with anything in the real world. But without being too cynical… older people (over 60, grrrrr) acknowledged their errors 63% of the time compared to younger people’s (under 30) 75% of the time. The problem being that if you don’t realise or accept a mistake then you have nothing to correct or solve.

I think they should name this ‘amazing’ phenomenon ‘Corbyn’s Law’. Just to show how damaging it is and how much worse any situation becomes if mistakes are not acknowledged. And Corbyn’s fucking old.

He denied any issues with anti-semitism in his party for 2 years. Instead of addressing the errors, he called in Shami Chakrabarti to whitewash (no pun) the whole thing and declare emphatically: “I can find absolutely no evidence of anti-semitism within the Labour party. Can I have my peerage now? Oops, should’a turned the mike off…”

Had JC actually stated that there were big issues with his party and with Momentum and their hate-filled trolling activities and seemed to have been taking action against such practices, it ‘MAY’ have blown over. But he didn’t and so people looked deeper into the wondrous new ‘thing’ that was Jeremy Corbyn. And found his history. Not that of his party or supporters (both of which were bad enough) but JC personally. That he had ‘shared platforms’ with virtually anyone in the world who espoused Jew-hate. As long as some of it could be directed at Israel, Jezza would ignore the rest and put his arm over their robed shoulders and embrace them. As long as he refused to accept the problem, to admit the mistakes, they dug deeper. And its not hard, everything is on public record, which is why I said ‘may’. It probably would have emerged at some point anyway.

But now he’s made a video to apologise. In fact to use the same worthless and now meaningless rhetoric he’s been using for the last 2 years. Although he is now actually using ‘anti-semitism’ as a case in point rather than his blanket ‘abhor all forms of racism’ because that blanket has worn so thin.

So yes, he intends to address these matters, just a few years too late. But he can never wipe away his past. Or that of McDonnell or many of the others which all shows, by their own actions and choice of friends, that they are, at best, pre-disposed to join hands with known anti-semites at every opportunity.

So rebuilding ‘trust’? That would possibly only happen upon his death. Possibly.

Happy Monday

A xxxx

Tennis is not a violent game. Can be explosive, can even be fast and furious but its not famous for violence. But that’s because I don’t play Aussie Johnno very often. Probably because he’s an Aussie (these days) and lives ‘over there’, even though he was the Bulawayo (white) boys champion tennis player of 1972. Or 3. But he was here and we played and look what happened to my lip. Ok, I managed to smash myself in the face with my own racquet but he was right there; at the opposite side of the net, just 40 yards away, the viscous bastard. And I managed to miss the ball completely. Though anyone slightly less superhuman (or slightly more intelligent) wouldn’t have gone for it in the first place.

And this is interesting. Vince Cable, vile and smarmy leader of the Lib-Dems, and Patrick Collins, ex-speech writer for Tony Blair and currently political writer on the Times, are considering a Lib-Lab pact/new party/alliance/allegiance/something in which the pathetic Liberals, for their 9 seats in parliament, would join forces with the right wing of the Labour party; the sane ones who don’t like Corbyn and his band of extremist, Marxist comrades, and form a kind’a new party. Kind’a.

Yet it makes sense in so many ways. Because anyone vaguely Blairish can only be massively unhappy with the new leadership and its bullying, undemocratic brand of hard-sell socialism. And thus are far closer aligned to the (apparent) centrism of the Liberals. The question really is why a hundred, maybe hundred-and-fifty disgruntled Labourites would have any need for the Liberals paltry contribution in terms of seats, for which they’d have to sit at times in the same room as uber-tosser Vince Cable.

And yet in the Tories too there’s noises of a ‘split’. Probably along brexit/remain lines because they just can’t get past that, over that, around that or beyond that. So you could have Rees-Mogg and the brexiteers in the pompous, almost-BNP camp, with Nigel Farage (who is actually involved in the plans for this along with Steve Bannon??? go work that one out) and the remainder of the remainers in the other.

The good news would be that we’d have a totally new political structure, replacing the almost defunct if barely functioning ‘2-party-system’ with a totally unworkable and quasi-ridiculous 4/5 party system which at least seems to offer a broader span of the political spectrum. We could, ironically, leave Europe at the same time as joining them in the formation of worthless and ineffective coalitions in place of proper governments.

Best of all would be an alliance between Corbyn’s new Anti-Semite-Communist-Workers-Union-Party and Rees-Mogg’s Upper-class-bowler-hat-white-person’s-Party. That’d be interesting.

Happy fat-lip Sunday

A xxxx

Ahhh, so Jeremy Corbyn finally comes out and admits there is a problem with anti-semitism in the Labour Party. Well, not actually ‘finally’ in that the much-hyped article in today’s Guardian is actually a re-hash of virtually the same article published in the Evening Standard in April. So in terms of immediacy of intentions, I think he’s shot himself in the foot by re-using the words in April which were so heartfelt that we have to have the exact same conversation today, four months later, following precisely… no action whatsoever. You know, ‘action’ wot speaks louder than words.

But heh, its a start. Isn’t it?

I’ve just spent Saturday morning listening to debates on the radio about this very topic. On my way to tai chi, coming home, before going to tennis, after tennis… and its interesting. Mainly in how many people use ‘Jews’ and ‘Israel’ as synonymous terms. So to clarify: I am a Jew. We’re (almost) human in appearance, fairly autonomous (but check that with my wife) and I’m very beautiful. Israel is a self-governing, independent, democratic state. A country in the middle east. It looks nothing like me, nor like anyone I know. Though also has beauty.

Yet people were saying how ‘Jews kill innocent Palestinians’. What all of us? Together or separately, I wonder. But really that is the essence. That people ‘like Corbyn’ conflate Jews and Israel. And they hate Israel so ergo, they hate Jews. Simplistic but true. Because all Jews, whilst questioning and disagreeing with a lot of Israel’s politics and policies, feel a burning need for it to exist. Ironically and in rather circular fashion, because should Jeremy Corbyn ever (heaven forbid) come to power, we’d have a safe haven to run to.

Then you have to wonder why Israel is hated. I know why Jeremy Corbyn hates it, because of its ties to his main enemy, America. And because he seems to want to befriend anyone and everyone who wants to see Israel wiped off the face of the Earth. The rest of the text used by Corbyn’s mates in Hamas and Hezbollah stating a similar fate for all Jews, by the way. But I know Israel does things which make its staunchest supporter cringe at times. And there’s another difference. When Israel gets heavy-handed the Jews of the world wince. When the Lockerbie bomber returns to Lybia he’s cheered as a hero.

But you’re allowed to criticise anything that causes death, particularly to ‘innocent civilians’ (though apparently the raining bombs of Hamas on Israeli farms doesn’t count in this), as long as you do it consistently.

The UN has passed more resolutions against Israel than against North Korea, Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Syria and Russia all put together. In Syria and Yemen alone hundreds of thousands of civilians have been killed, hundreds of thousands more displaced. And that’s interesting. Because if you complain disproportionately about Israel then that can only be accounted for by the fact that they’re looking to have a go at Israel specifically. And why would you do that if you didn’t start with a predisposition against Jews. And that also sounds overly simplistic. But how else could you account for it.

And so, once again, we await Le Corbyn’s next move to ‘rebuild confidence with the Jewish community’. The only advice I can give him, despite the usual ‘I abhor racism and there’s no place for anti-semitism’ soundbytes, is ‘don’t hold yer breath’.

Happy Saturday

A xxxx

Ok, they’ve put the Bank of England interest rate up by 0.25%, so we need to consider all the implications and ramifications of how, precisely, this will affect me, you, the normal working man, the abnormal working man, the abnormally working women, the clinically depressed, the upwardly mobile, the cross-gender and the postman.

So I’ve made a summary that’s really neat and simple and understand. Based on the primary 2 assumptions, pivotal in economic thought. 1. A quarter of one percent is not a very big thing. And 2, all banks are total fucking bastards.

So the bank lending rate will obviously have to rise to reflect the bank’s new rate. Mortgage rates, in response to the 0.25% rate hike, will rise by 9.7%. Whilst the savings rate, the return you get on all your money piled in the bank’s vaults, will go up by 0.0003% (less tax, obvs).

So that’s good news all round. Except the bad news for most of us.

How fascinating that having mentioned the Grand Imperial Wizard of the KKK yesterday in relation to Tommy Robinson and his extreme right winginess, where you’d really expect the KKK to be residing, today’s revelation is that the very same (ex)-whatever of the KKK, David Duke (who also endorsed Trump, by the way), commended the re-election of Jeremy Corbyn after his leadership battle in the Labour party. Commended him on winning despite all the anti-semitism “smears” that were, even then, becoming a problem for Labour. “Great that people are recognising Zionist power and ultimately Jewish power in Britain and the western world”. Yeah David, it is great that they are. Maybe we should form our own army and just take over. As (according to Alexa, who went and counted each one personally for me) there are 300,000 jews in Britain out of population of 60 million souls. (I’ll include Labour members with the ‘souls’ thing just for temporary mathematical convenience).

But what’s interesting is this conflation of common ground between the extreme right and extreme left of the political spectrum. And that common ground is jew-hate. So where should Jews vote? For whom?? Well, logically, as central as you can get. But that would be the Lib Dems and they’re horrible too with a history of… well, Jenny Tonge, can’t get much more anti-semite than her.

Therefore I’m starting a new movement, just like all the other ‘victims’ and I’ve just ordered 300,000 t-shirts with the logo ‘Me Jew’ on them. In Spurs colours.

Happy Friday

A xxxx

I’m so relieved. They’ve released Tommy Robinson on bail. Amazing. I’m going to celebrate by having a new swastika tattooed on my fucking face!!! Well how else would you celebrate a victory for the nation’s finest neo-nazi? Though I’m not sure we call them such any longer. Not sure its allowed. Even if they are. But as I don’t know what else to call the leader of the ‘English Defence League’ I’ll stick with that originally selected. Nazi scum. As was shouted at him outside the High Court yesterday by the ‘anti-racists’, which I only put in quotes in case any of them are card-carrying Labour supporters and thus can only really call themselves ‘anti-racists-for-selective-races-and-ethnic-minorities-only’ in the light of the anti-semitism rife in hard-left ideology. Isn’t politics difficult to fathom. Because the anti-racists should in theory be anti-anti-semites, but the lefties among them lost an ‘anti’ somewhere along the path, probably in Islington, possibly in Venezuela.

You following?

The English Defence League is the latest version of the one-time National Front. That was banned and, like a phoenix (wearing Doc Marten boots and sporting a shaven head) from the fire, came the British National Party. Then, after that worthy body was proscribed, up sprung the EDL. Same ideology… basically ‘Paki-bashing’ in one of its many forms and Jew-hating, but names changed for legal obligations. And Tommy Robinson is their new leader. A Nick Griffin with 2 eyes. A thinking man’s Goebles.

I’m actually quite interested in what this ‘League’ is defending us Brits from? I didn’t know we were at war or under attack. But that’s just my higgorance, I’m sure. And they’re actually defending British CULCHAAA and way of life. Morris Dancing, fish’n’chips, seaside ‘ats, light’n’bitter, Ford Cortinas and the Church’uv’Inglund. Even though, since the pubs started opening on Sundays, they don’t go any more. If they ever did.

I remember in the early 70s, the National Front recruited ‘members’ at West Ham and Chelsea. From their hard-core, ultra-violent hooligans. And the hook-line was no more ‘politically ideological’ than ‘join us and we’ll guarantee loads of fights’. British culture.

Tommy Robinson is as British a working class, cor blimey Mary Poppins, name as you’ll get. Which is why he chose it instead of Stephen Yaxley-Lennon, his real name, which is rather poncey and stupid. And he was sentenced to 8 months for contempt of court, to which he admitted.

And this bastion of British… evil bastards has been defended by Steve Bannon, by UKIP, by all the mid-to-far rights from Nigel Farage to the Grand Imperial Wizard of the KKK. And he won his right to appeal. Because 8 months is a bit strong for normal contempt. But I actually think he should have received 8 years just for who he is and what he represents. Which is pure evil.

Happy belated (blame Lila, obvs) Thursday

A xxxx

There was a debate on Woman’s Hour (a name I PERSONALLY find very offensive, biased and exclusive) about the use of the word ‘guys’ to describe or call a group of people of different genders. As in ‘hey guys (groups of men and women), you’re table’s ready now’. And they asked ‘is this appropriate?’ To call women ‘guys’ or include them under the generality which was obviously intended to mean ‘men’, when they invented the word in 1724. Errrr, just after Guy Fawkes. Hmmm…

And this is interesting, only in as far as it shows how little ‘real news’ ever happens in August and how desperate the BBC are to fill vacant air time.

When I phone companies at work I have a (terrible?) habit, if I get through to the woman I wish to speak to, of saying ‘Ah good, my main man’. To which the reply is always an amused ‘I’m not a man’. Right, like I didn’t know that, Lavella/Victoria/Rachel. Because to me the expression ‘main man’, which obviously started in a different world before the dinosaurs evolved and in a universe far, far away, is not ‘literal’. It doesn’t ‘translate’ as main=primary, man=person with a nob. No. It becomes an expression of its own. Indivisible. Irreducible. Main-man. The person in charge. Note; ‘PERSON’, not ‘man’ in charge. I can see that because it uses the word ‘man’ and the implications of how someone so important would have to be one and thus represents such a time on the (lack of) equality spectrum, it could be offensive. Which is why I do it, obviously. Because I like to ‘push’. Not in a childbirthy way. But then, surely, for women to have reached the lofty heights of being included in the phrase ‘main man’ is surely the greatest accolade. ‘Welcome to the club’, it says, of very important people.

Words and phrases which may once have been purely descriptive, like ‘main man’, enter the vernacular as complete phrases with a meaning greater than their mere words. Similarly, the term ‘fuckwit’ does not involve intercourse nor any intelligence whatsoever. Its just a word/phrase that speaks for itself. Unlike a real fuckwit, who generally can’t, or shouldn’t bother. The word wo-man contains the word man, perhaps we should stop using it immediately.

And that’s what happened to ‘guys’. Yes, of course it ONCE meant ‘men’ but the fact that it has now become inclusive should be hailed as a feminist triumph, not the cause for fucking debate about whether its appropriately post-feministly acceptable or not. Well done ‘gels’, it says, you’ve become a ‘guy’, YOU’RE FUCKING EQUAL!!! And yet, on Woman’s Hour at least, not quite totally happy with the sound of that equality.

Its all a bit pedantic. The point where feminism/political correctness has me rushing for the whisky bottle.

Happy Wednesday ‘Guys’

A xxxx

Other than Labour devotees of Corbyn, I think ‘we’, the people of Great Britain and the realm of glorious Queen Elizabeth II, bless her bejewelled crown, are a fairly civilised bunch. We like to think we are. Understanding. Compassionate. Humane. And we pretty much, as a nation, are. Until it comes to possibly the most statistically definite event in life. Which is death. We’re not very good at death. As a society. Almost ‘the last taboo’. Mainly because every time one’a them is broken, they find another. The last, last, last, last taboo.

So without being too morbid (as if) I want to talk about death. Not mine, I haven’t done it yet, but as regards to society and how it copes (or doesn’t) with an ageing population of increasingly dementia-ridden, incontinent, NHS-demanding, immobile, care-requiring… people. We need to have a ‘discussion’. Or in 10 years time everyone under the age of 60 will have to be a full-time carer and 94% of GDP will be funding medical and elderly care. (Actual figures may fluctuate due to… what I make up at any one time).

I’m not suggesting we have carts going round every day with the pushers shouting for us to ‘bring art yer dead!’ Not yet anyway. They’d clog up the traffic. And really its nothing to do with economic necessity. It can’t be. Otherwise we’d be in a ‘we need to kill another 20,000 in the next 2 weeks; milk’s running low’ situation. But I do think that once quality of life descends below some horrible level of dribbling, pissing-yer-pants, how-is-Mr-Churchil-today-mother?, level, considerations need to be in place.

I wouldn’t want to be there. That, and I can only speak personally, is a horror way beyond death. Which I say now as a relatively sane and rational being. Will I feel different when I’m trying to get the cat back in the fridge so he can mate with the eggs? I don’t know. Who knows what ‘quality of life’ or ‘values’ poor people in such a condition ‘think’.

I’m personally not sure I’ll make it to 70. Not because of ill health (I sincerely hope) but because I have suicide pacts with about 35 people that ‘if I ever reach that state; shoot me’, and one of them might misjudge. Everyone I know is of the same mind. Death is better than horrible, suffering, progressively diseased ga-ga-land.

Yet governments here struggle with this. Or aren’t prepared to discuss it properly, ie, not as an abstract concept, like UFOs, but with a FUCKING PLAN at the end.

They’ve just allowed a man to die who has been in a vegetative state for 8 years. On life support. Fed by tube. But this choice was made by the doctors and the family and without the normally required court order which prevents the medics from being up for murder. As it should be. Otherwise the family have to apply to the court and actually sign a statement saying that ‘they wish their son/daughter/wife/mother/whoever to die’. That’s what it says. But no-one in that situation ‘wishes’ anyone to die. They wish the accident/disease had never happened; they ‘wish’ the person could recover, all sorts of wishes, just not that one.

So this is a big step. But we need lots more, even bigger steps. Otherwise, quite frankly, we lose the right to call ourselves ‘humane’.

Ok, was a bit morbid.

Happy(?) Tuesday

A xxxx

This is my door. My kitchen door. And it looks a mess. As we like it. Because upon that very door are marked the heights of virtually everyone that’s ever walked into our house. Ok, everyone below the age of 16, the older ones are represented more sparsely. The marks are named and dated. So we could see how the kids were growing, when they were growing. And all their friends had to be on it, every time they came over, and many of my friends insisted on being on it too, because they’re stupid and childish. And at the very top is Big Dave, as you’d kind’a expect with such a name, just 2 inches below the top of the door, and Natalie’s babyhood doll, ‘Doh-doh’, coming in at about 12 inches is the lowest recorded addition. Lila’s on there, obviously, just below Mel’s line and of course I’m on there too. And that’s the problem. Because ‘Andy, 1992’ appears a ‘good inch’ higher than ‘Andy 2018’. The ‘good inch’ because standing someone against a door and putting a pen along the top of their head is not an exact science. So it might be a bit more than an inch, might be a bit less. But WTF??? I’m shrinking! That’s fucking awful.

In another 16 years time I’ll be 78. And an inch shorter again. But that’s probably not the case. Shrinkage is not necessarily a linear function. It could increase with time! Holy shit. I could be 5 foot 2 by the time I’m 65. 3 foot 8 by 72. I would end up an Action Man. With very little ‘action’.

The Sunday Times has found evidence about the successful Qatar World Cup bid. It was bent. Crooked. And the world is in shock. No, like real shock!!! Who’d’a thought that the awarding of the 2022 World Cup by a now disgraced and totally, entirely corrupt FIFA, to the nation possibly least suited to hosting a World Cup, but a really really rich nation, who’d’a thought that could be wrong?? On any level? Amazing.

They’ve already had an inquiry and found no evidence of corruption in the bid. Probably because they’re all too clever at sending money to untraceable overseas trusts. But now they’ve found that Qatar employed an American PR company to use fake news and negative campaigning in America and Australia, the other two bidders in the hat. They paid professors to publish articles about how damaging to the economy a World Cup could be. How awful, how dangerous, how-ever.

And that’s illegal. Not allowed to do it. So there’s still hope that the Qatar World Cup won’t happen. So it won’t have to be played in winter, disrupting the season all over Europe and injuring our players.

(Andrew Conway will be 4 foot 7 in 2022)

Happy Sunday

A xxxx

As I’m short on time and long on fatigue, I’m gonna ‘recycle’. The other night I prepared a short little speech for our ‘sheva b’rucha’ evening, but never actually got to say it, due to lack of time. I didn’t actually finish it either due to (LILA) a very busy day. So I’ll ‘say’ it here instead. Why not??

Speaking as a ‘sheva b’rucha virgin’ until a couple of hours ago I have much to learn. And I did learn, from Jude this morning, that it is customary, if not desirable, for someone to make a short speech. Normally of a religious/spiritual nature. Ah. Just a bit of a problem there. I can do football, Brexit, Anti-semitism in the Labour Party with my eyes closed. Tennis techniques, the writings of John Irving, evolutionary theory, more football, the music of Elvis Costello and how to avoid veganism at all costs. And vegans. If you want shorter subjects I can do feminism in Saudi Arabia, the high points of Arsene Wenger’s career and shortest of all: my favourite operas.

But according to the spellchecker on Microsoft, I can’t even spell ‘dvar torah’ (an ‘essay’ based on the bible). Which is indeed an appropriate metaphor for the depth of my religiosity. A word which unaccountably Microsoft is happy with.

But I do know about marriage. And I know about Jewish women. They’ve been a lifelong study. Ok Mel, Jewish woman. I’m only allowed one. And therefore would like to address the deep and profound philosophical question of whether Jewish women get the reputation they deserve. And as you’ve just married one, Josh; listen good.

Jewish woman is a much maligned and wickedly stereotyped beast. Please don’t take that word personally. F’rinstance:

My other favourite joke:

Avram calls the surgery one morning demanding a doctor come check on his wife. Who is lying inert when the medic arrives. “I’m so sorry Mr Schwartz, but your wife has died”. Avram sighs, “thank God for that, I thought I’d gone deaf”.

Are these tales funny? If so its because they play on our stereotyped traits of ‘the jewish housewife’. The classic, mythical ‘yenta’. Mainly a residue from generations past. They get a very bad press. But so does Kim Jong Un. Donald Trump. Though that’s fake press, obviously. Theresa May. Boris. All suffer from bad press and some might say, all deserving of it. Basically, sometimes a bad press can be deserved.

But heh; we’re post millennial. We’re post-feminism. Gender roles adapt and evolve. I bake pies FFS. Doesn’t make me a yenta. It makes me ‘metrosexual’. And although religion doesn’t, can’t ‘evolve’ and is in fact the diametric opposite of evolution, being something constant and unchanging with barely a mention of any World Cup or any other cultural influence, attitudes can change.

That was it, far as it went. Maybe I’ll work out an ending, who knows.

Happy Saturday

A xxxx