Andy's Glasses

So the other day when I was into David Duke mode, lying in the bath listening to the great ex-imperial wizard of the KKK as he simperingly explained so elegantly the historical, scientific and biblical basis for the evils of globalism, of Jews (the cause of all the world’s evils, all 0.2% of the world’s population), and of the dreaded ‘multi-culturalism’!!!, I got bored. I’ll admit it. It took three 15-minute ‘lectures’ to reach some kind of point which was, loosly: KEEP THE FUCKING RACES APART!!!! Especially the darker ones. Keep them well away from him. That was the point he was so laboriously, patronisingly trying to make.

And today I read how the ‘alt-right’ are dreaming of an ‘ethnostate’ which they see as ‘very Jane Austen in nature’. I don’t think they mean a land filled with neo-nazi skinheads dressed as swooning Victorian damsels all looking for Mr Darcy. I think they mean ‘somewhere very white’. But I’ll retain an open mind on that. So now they’re stealing our classic authors as models for their obscene, divisive fascism. The ‘alt-right’. Trump’s mates. One of them even went so far as to claim Taylor Swift as being a ‘nazi’. Just because she’s tall and blond, presumably, and filling some kind of Aryan dream persona. I don’t have Aryan dreams, but I do dream of Taylor, oddly, though rarely in lederhosen.

Well hear me now, Alt-Rightists of the world (that’ll be American then), you can have Jane Austen, we have loads of sexually frustrated, unfulfilled-in-love, bosom-heaving, Yorkshire-moorsish writers, loads’ of ’em. But LEAVE TAYLOR SWIFT ALONE, YA MUTHAFUCKERS!!!

However, Duke’s end-point, had I gone on another few hours of listening before the hot water ran out, was indeed separation of the cultures and races. ‘For the good of all of them’. Yeah. Maintain their wonderful uniqueness (starvation), their individuality (tribal warfare) and geocultural ties (keep them away from ME). So I really want to know how the KKK, when they take over, plan to do this. The logistics. Will the white Americans just kick out the ‘immigrants’? And if they do, which ones? Just those of different colours? Or the Spanish? Italian? Irish?? And do they then carry on until America is historically, culturally and ethnically ‘pure’ once more, devoid of immigrants completely, in which case its just the Sioux and the Comanches who’ll run the place. And where will Duke be? I think they should fence off a little bit of the Arctic Circle, (that should be ‘Nordic’ enough for the most Aryan of nazis) and give it to the ‘alt-rights’ to live in peaceful, harmonious whiteness.

Ahhhhh, happy Wednesday, feels a bit Nordic round here today

A xxxx

Donald Trump’s passionate hatred of ‘fake news’ began when Kellyanne Conway (aka: THE SHE-DEVIL) announced that at the presidential inauguration there had been a record turn-out. Even though most of the seats were empty. And when most of the press noted that fact, she coined that wonderful phrase ‘alternative truths’. Which is different from the ‘fake news’ that the rest of the press put out. In that… errrr… because… errrr… you see… well, its different. Mainly in that the White House machine puts out ‘alternative truths’ and anyone else uses ‘fake news’.

So how fake is the FBI? Or the National Security Agency (to avoid too many acronyms spoiling the broth once GCHQ enters the fray). The CIA have remained quiet. They do the overseas stuff, assassinations, war-mongering, over-throwing baddies, that kind’a thing.

But the presidential election is now forever tainted with hacking. And that hacking was done by the Russians (nothing ‘fake’ or ‘alternative’ so far? And Trump won. Which if nothing else makes him the beneficiary of outside interference in democratic process.

So Trump’s camp have claimed that Obama bugged Trump Tower. Why would he bother? He didn’t seem very interested in American politics for his last 2 years as president, why would he care about the ‘afterwards’?

And now the FBI and NSA have denied that any Trump Tower bugging ever took place, and they would know. Yet the Russian electoral interference remains on the table.

Elections are a problem. In France yesterday the 5 candidates for their own presidential farce took to a debate. Which was dominated by just 2 people. In fact I’m not sure any of the other 3 could speak French at all, such was their combined contribution. But Emmanuel Macron and Marine Le Pen went at it. Over Europe, over immigration, over frikkin burkinis. And the problem is that Macron is the only viable person to take on the evil one-time neo-Nazi Le Pen, and he is currently being investigated over several issues regarding money. Euros. Francs. And dollars.

GOD HELP THE FUCKING WORLD

A xxxx

This was, results-wise, the almost perfect weekend. The ‘almost’ bit was Chelsea’s undeserved win at Stoke. ‘Undeserved’ purely on moral grounds. If ever you needed proof that there is no God, just look at the top of the league table. The very top, obviously. God starts at 2nd place. In all His magnificence.

And we won. We won the first half of the match against Southampton sufficiently well that even though we definitely lost the second half totally and absolutely, it was enough for our 10th successive home win. But without Harry we’re definitely not quite the same team. Good enough for teams like Millwall but lacking really in attack. Its only when he’s not there that you realise the amazing amount of non-goalscoring work Harry Kane does. And Pochettino’s continued reluctance to give Vincent Jansen a game does nothing for the big guy’s confidence. Meaning that for the inevitable 6-minute cameo he gets ‘to show his worth’, he tries way too hard and looks a good distance short of the ‘world class’ we paid for. He looks a bit short of ‘Hackney Marshes’ at the moment but needs time and exposure. I hope. And although Deli Alli scored his penalty, I wonder why Eriksen didn’t step up for it. He’s a dead ball expert. Deli’s penalty, unless he saw the goalie move first, was in fact fairly awful. And worrying. We seem to get a lot of penalties at the moment. And they’re quite useful.

Arsenal lost at West Brom. Even with all those planes flying overhead with messages to their manager. It was like the damnbusters up there in the Midlands. “WENGER OUT!!!” they proclaimed, “WENGER MUST STAY!!!” said others. The man himself remains as ever illusive and enigmatic about the whole thing. There’s 2 important things to bear in mind though. Firstly, Arsenal are currently total shit. The team are not playing for Wenger, nor for themselves, they’re just awful. They did score but only because the West Brom defence didn’t see any reason to mark Alexis Sanchez when he was in their box. Not like he’s any good or anything. And the second thing to bear in mind is that Arsenal are currently 9 points behind Spurs, ok with a game in hand, but still…

Leicester, the new ‘model’ of ‘how to deal with a manager you no longer like’, continue to win under their new boss. Though only at West Ham.

The icing on the cake though for the weekend was the draw at the Etihad between Spurs 2 hottest pursuers, slightly increasing our breathing space, point-wise. Liverpool and Man City gave a superlative demonstration of how fucking hard it is to score a goal in top class football. So many chances blasted over (Aguero… Aguero???), hitting woodwork or just missed (Lallana), the final result was fair. Especially for Spurs. Don’t really care about being fair to northerners, if its good for Spurs, it is, by definition, ‘fair’.

Free points woz hardly ever sweeter.

Happy Monday

A xxxx

So we came home from the movies last night, made a cup of tea, sat down with the papers and, although really disappointed (Mel) that Match of the Day was over, we found a rockumentary on Neil Sedaka. Who I never really liked, too clean, too creepy, too neat, too Jewish (yes, indeed you can be). But he was a phenomenal talent. Several of his songs were written for the singer Connie Francis, the woman in the pic. Ok, she’s older than the mountains and seen more surgery than the Wellington, but she’s still fun. But if you look at the right hand side of the tv screen, there’s a sculpture/figurine thing. A headless woman (is that the best kind? jury’s out) in steel. Then move your eyes to the left hand side of our unit and there it is once again. Amazing? Coincidence? Or is this a new interactive thing where the tv shows something from ‘your’ room on the screen. So someone else would be looking at Connie Francis with a blue vase, like theirs. Or an Arsene Wenger effigy with needles in it, like yours. Just sayin’…

We saw Elle. The new Paul Verhoven film. We saw it because its in French and we are sufficiently pretentious that we love subtitled films just because they’re foreign. And Paul Verhoven always has a porn element. Whatever language he’s directing in. Basic Instinct and Showgirls were English, the wonderful Black Book was in Dutch & German and Elle in French. He should make up his mind.

Its a curiously disturbing film. Wonderfully starring Isobel Huppert, the ‘middle-aged’ French babe. And she’s a dark and damaged character. Very dark. Quite perverse. I won’t spoil it. But its odd for a film made by a man. Because all the men in it are either evil or stupid. Perhaps that’s a fair reflection on my gender, in which case, its very depressing. Ex husband’s worthless, son’s a total moron, lover’s a deceitful scumbag, even the neighbours are dodgy. And Mrs Neighbour is a Christian Extremist. Not in a violent way, but in the worse way; can’t get enough Christ in her life.

The acid test for any movie is if Mel stays awake for the entirety. And she did. So I can attest to the fact that it is a very gripping movie, beautifully filmed as the French do, and a touch disturbing. But in a good way.

Spurs play Southampton this afternoon. Its the biggest match since… since 2 weeks ago. Worth so many points I can barely add them all up. With Arsenal losing, Liverpool playing Man City later and everything else happening in the world, we must win. Without Harry Kane. Ooooohhhh…

Happy Sunday

A xxxx

Without a doubt, my favourite ex-Imperial Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan is David Duke. Mainly because he must be colour blind and didn’t realise that the wig he bought was the totally wrong colour and doesn’t match his beard. But also because he’s just soooooo nasty. But in a very polite, intellectual, exceedingly patronising and re-born Christianish priestly way. He is therefore also my absolute favourite rabid anti-semite as well. Wow.

So how is it that I know so much about this fabulous cultural hero and you know nothing? Because I’ve spent half the morning listening to his ‘lectures’ on youtube. There are hundreds. And they’re the most fun you can have… listening to rabid anti-semitism and abject racism thinly veiled under a gossamer thin web of ‘science’. And ‘istry.

Though there were no banner adverts on youtube for his bits. Which is really where the problem became apparent. Because Duke’s videos, as well as those by ISIS and all manner of other divisive and death-inciting vicious bastards all carry ads paid for by major, high profile multinational corporations. Well, they did, until most were pulled, at massive expense to Google, yesterday. McDonalds pulled their youtube ads, Audi, L’oreal, BBC, Sainsburys and many others including Havas advertising agency who, for all the companies they represent, spend about £25million a year with youtube. A small percentage of which goes to the sites posting the videos.

And smiling Davey-boy hates everyone who isn’t a white, Christian American; safe to say. But he reserves a special place where his heart would be if he had one, for Jews. He fucking hates Jews more than any anti-semite ever has. And I’ll include Hitler in that too. Even though, according to ex-Imp. Wiz Duke, the holocaust never happened. But he doesn’t just hate them, he holds them responsible for pretty much all the evil in the world today. And yesterday. Last Tuesday, July 17 1994 and every other day not previously mentioned. Its all a ‘global zionist conspiracy’, controlling the banks and the media in order to take over and enlsave everyone in the world. He ‘proved’ it from its biblical roots (taken in an out of context quote from Deuteronomy), to Goldman Sachs, to the fact that all the presidents of the Federal Bank since the 1980s has not just been Jewish but been, in his words, ‘a zionist extremist’. And he doesn’t use the term ‘extremist’ just to be prejudicial or suggestive. Oh no, he uses it because its TRUE. You can tell an Islamist extremist because they’re 20 years old, wearing black and a ski-mask and have 15 pounds of semtex strapped to their chests. Similarly, in David’s World, a ‘zionist extremist’ is a 70 year old, bald-headed, slightly stooped semi-retired businessman from Brooklyn wearing a suit and tie. Fucking extremists!

You should watch/listen to DD. The IW of the KKK. Formerly. It is oddly enough, very funny. My concern is the million views each has had. Presumably by many people who are sympathetic to this absolute drivel. Who sit there nodding whilst cleaning their guns.

Happy Saturday

A xxxx

The Scots are revolting. Is that news? Well, what’s actually happening is that Nicola Sturgeon has become even more revolting than even we thought possible. In the wake of the worst rugby defeat by the English last Saturday, Nic has decided that she can no longer be a part of the United Kingdom. So she has embarked upon a quest in which she will abuse the word ‘democracy’ with bias, prejudice, ambiguity and selective degrees of one-sided democratic thought. And she wants to drag all of Scotland with her into the abyss.

She’s obsessed with the fact that ‘Scotland voted in’ and therefore its ‘undemocratic’ to take them out of Europe. In fact, ‘Scotland’ didn’t. 60% of Scottish people did vote to remain, but 40% voted to leave. Aren’t those 40% entitled to ‘democracy’? Because strictly, Edinburgh and Fife should stay in Europe but not be part of the UK, whereas Lanarkshire and John O’Groats will leave Europe but stay in the UK. Loch Lomond is undecided and will therefore become an independent principality under an ISIS mandate. I mean, WTF???

Democracy, as it works round these parts (and I’ll include most of Scotland in that) is majority rule. That’s it. England voted ‘out’ too, but 49% of us didn’t want it, don’t want it, fucking hate it. But we’re not out protesting to become part of some Scottish pipe-dream based on precisely nothing. Wales can go fuck itself. Northern Ireland has enough problems without worrying about the ‘Europe’ which lives on its southern border.

So The Sturge has now threatened another Scottish independence vote. Which has to be approved by parliament. Oh, she cries, or really ‘ooooohhh’, that’s not very democratic, ‘London’ going against the democratic rights of the democratic Scottish people!!!! Well, going against rights of one stupidly obsessed and rather undemocratic Scottish tart, actually.

Theresa May has refused to allow it until after Brexit terms are sorted out. Because Scotland is, for the time being, part of the UK and may increase our bargaining power. Maybe there’s some Hearts fans in Brussels.

Ironically, if Scotland voted on independence now, they reckon it would stay part of the UK anyway, because most Scots are decent people who realise that ‘stronger together’ is really more than a mere motto.

But Nic don’t want it. She wants to stay in Europe. Well, Nicola, why don’t you just move to Paris and do us all a favour. See how ‘democratic’ Marine Le Pen is.

Happy Friday

A xxxx

A ‘robot’ is a machine that performs tasks by itself. They don’t all have inbuilt guns and knives, some just hoover the floor. But the essence of a robot is that its somehow interactive with the world in which it lives. And in the case of Terminator robots, in the time in which they happen to find themselves.

This Amazon Echo Dot is a robot. I’ve decided. You just call out to it and it plays music. Or a radio station. Answers questions. Gives information. Cooks dinner. (That’s a lie.) I know my ipad has ‘Siri’ but I never use it. Phones respond to voice commands too. But ‘Alexa’ (as the Echo Dot is ‘called’) is brilliant. Ok, it doesn’t move much… well, only when I knock it on the floor really, but its part of the way forward. Lots of people are designing robots which move and do stuff, this technology is the interactive bit that is quite awesome and an essential part of the inevitable evolution. I called out ‘Alexa! CLEAN THE FUCKING CAR!!’ but she just asked what I wanted to do. Bitch. Maybe ‘she’ will only clean Mel’s car as it was her birthday present.

But the truly amazing bit is that this ‘female’ device responds instantly and obediently when you say ‘Alexa; STOP’.

I wonder how she’d respond to questions about whether Alexander Blackman should have been charged with murder for shooting dead a wounded Taliban bastard in Afghanistan in 2011. She’d probably blow up with the dilemma. Because its so not simple. Its complicated.

The Taliban guy was injured by an attack helicopter and lay wounded, near death. The Marines went to check him and decided that to call in medical help, for an enemy soldier who’d spent the last days trying to kill them, would put at great risk yet more English soldiers and medics. The Geneva Convention lays down rules and regulations for how and when you can kill the enemy. And that Convention is laid down by crusty old politicians sitting in a plush office in neutral Switzerland whilst sipping their skinny lattes and imposing their comfortable, detached morality on guys who are tip-toeing through the literal minefield whilst being shot at by snipers.

I have nothing but sympathy for Alex Blackman. He was fucked up by military problems sustained over weeks of living on the edge. And he made a ‘battlefield decision’ which sent him to prison.

There are rules to war. Sadly they’re only observed by one side, but that in a way is what its all about. The moral high ground. We MUST be better than ‘them’. But if ever there were mitigating circumstances, it was in the Afghan war. Hope he’s out soon following the Appeal Court decision yesterday.

Happy Thursday

A xxxx

This is Karolina. She’s a sweet little Polish 18 year-old student blond thing currently studying photography at Kingston University. Ahhhhh. Nice.

This is what happens to nice little sweet students when they down half a bottle of vodka before going to a nightclub which then refuses them entry because they’re too drunk:

Firstly they attack, both verbally and physically, the security guys (poor things) at the door, screaming, swearing, punching, kicking. Then they do the same to the police when they arrive on the scene. But really swearing, swearing even I’d be proud of. Racially abusing muslims, blacks, calling the police ‘fucking pussies!!!!’ and even when handcuffed still had to be restrained for continuing to kick and thrash around at everyone.

Ok, just a ‘really good night out’.

At her trial the judge sentenced her to community service, saying “I’m not sending a lady to prison for something like this”. Why he chose the word ‘lady’ I’m not sure. Maybe he didn’t follow what she’d done. And basically, I agree with him. You wouldn’t want to send a sweet little babe to prison just for basically underestimating the destructive power of alcohol.

And that’s because we’re all victims ourselves of horrendous double standards and a terribly patriarchal model of the world.

Feminists should be in uproar over this. TREAT HER FAIRLY!!!! They should be shouting. GIVE HER TEN YEARS!!!!! Because if a man had used such abuse and violence he’d probably have been given a 3-month ‘slap on the wrist’, or worse. If the attacking drunk had been a black man, it would have probably been longer. WE DEMAND EQUALITY!!!!

Alcohol disinhibits. It brings out the monster within. Some drunks (no names, Rachie) are really loving and sweet and fun. Others aren’t. Karolina isn’t. John Galliano became a rabid and vile anti-semite whilst under the influence. Mel Gibson too (I still won’t see him in any movie he’s had anything to do with). Alcohol doesn’t make you a racist or anti-semite, it just liberates you to become the scumbag you keep hidden inside. Maybe abusive, often violent. Nice.

Amazing win for Leicester last night in the Champions League. Quarter finals for them now. Quite amazing. The dream continues.

Happy Sober Wednesday

A xxxx

The doner kebab was invented in 1975 in Great Titchfield St, Fitzrovia, just round the corner from the BT Tower. FACT! Ish…

Ok, the first doner kebab I ever ate was from Great Titchfield Street in 1975. Latterly known as ‘the first day of the rest of my life’, forever after divided into ‘pre-Efes’ and post-Efes’. My life changed on that day.

People will tell you otherwise. “Oh a doner kebab!” they’ll exclaim, “how horribly working class, how crude, the food of drunks at pub leaving time, oooooh, tacky”. Others will tell you how doners are a Turkish invention, or Lebanese, Arabic, Greek gyros writ wrong, many more won’t touch them on health grounds, on health&safety grounds or just because they’re smelly. People tell you how they ATCHERLEY SAW, WIV ME OWN EYEZZZZ!!!! this Turkish geezer out the back by the bins, killed a scavenging cat, skinned it and stuck it on the spit to make Doners wiv. Honest!

And let me say here and now that all of these quite ridiculous stories are probably true. Because you never know what you’re eating in a Doner. Which is a big part of the fun when you have 17 pints of stout inside you, a little less so when sober and hungry.

So how fortunate for me that I lost my kebab virginity at Efes. One of the first kebaberies in London and for the next 40 years and more, by a million miles the best. And the only place I would ever eat such a… a… delicacy? a… meal? a… thing.

My best mate moved to France in 1992. And every trip he made back, at least 5/6 times a year, he’d call/text/mail to arrange a meeting at Efes. For a Doner. Always take-away, always eaten in the car outside, always absolutely, mind-blowingly, taste-bud-explodingly, lip-smackingly, chilli-saucily magnificent. The Pig (I won’t use his real name to save him from embarrassment, but its Jeremy) would sometimes eat 2. And they were big. Really big.

About 3 years ago Efes changed hands. Jeremy went, obviously, and reported that Efes was officially dead. Horrible. Yeuch. And last night after a trip to Great Portland Street, going back to the station, I went for my usual back-street tour as I love the West Ends back streets as much as I hate Oxford Circus, Leicester Square, Piccadilly Circus, I chanced onto Great Titchfield Street. And took this photo of Efes. I know, kebab shops are never about the decor, but this was definitely a few hod carriers short of the mark, even by their exacting-free standards of cleanliness and hygiene.

I might try and find a new place. Better get some serious inoculations and start the antibiotics now.

The end of an era. The Legend dies. Efes is gone.

Happy Tuesday

A xxxx

We’re having a baby. As in ‘the family’. Daughter Natalie is about 39 weeks pregnant and growing and we’re in deep ‘preparation’ mode. I do my deep breathing exercises every day and have a bag packed and ready. Even though I’m going nowhere. But its what you do. What you also do is get ‘stuff’. Massive and humungous amounts of ‘stuff’ that this little 6 to 9 pound baby ‘needs’. Cots, buggies, changing tables, car seats, all manner of stuff required for transporting Little Baby from home to Waitrose and back twice a week. And clothing. Babies are born naked but require layer upon layer of really soft stuff with little kittens on it, in order to stay warm and comfortable.

Except ‘our’ baby. Its different. Its a Spurs baby. Its mother, father, grandfather and everyone else is a Spurs fan. Which is a ‘gift’ that starts indeed from birth. Or in little Baby-Bell’s case, from way before. Because knowing of the family’s sporting preferences has inspired… well, basically all of the friends of father and grandfather-to-be to do their baby pressie shopping at the Spurs shop. Because at all major clubs they know that there is simply nothing cuter in the entire world than a 2-week old baby dressed as a Premiership striker, in full kit, with special faux-studded booties. The kit even comes with instructions how to spit on the floor repeatedly. Not that babies need teaching that skill.

So daughter informs me this morning that every single baby-gro, bib, sock, sweater that they have been gifted is Spurs-ware.

I couldn’t be prouder.

Unless ‘my baby’ becomes a vlogger. Then my pride limit would be extended. Every day you could watch it on youtube, sleeping, dribbling, shitting, just like you do all the fucking pandas and dogs and sheep and koalas now. Perhaps have a vlog eating a lemon or some other act of parental cruelty. Give it some knives to play with.

Vlogging is the way forward. Just in case kids don’t grow up obsessed with celebrity culture and a burning desire to be a Kardashian or some other worthless low-life who does nothing all day (that doesn’t involve surgery) but makes billions, they are now giving vlogging lessons to kids. Parents are abandoning the more historic ballet classes and karate lessons and other after-school activities in the hope that little Nigella, Kylie or Mousa will one day become a world-famous vlogger and lead them from their council flat in Milton Keynes to a mansion in Beverley Hills.

I fear for the world my grandchild will be entering. Except the Spurs bit, after yesterday’s win you’d think the baby would be desperate to come out in time for the semi-finals.

Happy Monday

A xxxx