Andy's Glasses

The one good thing about Trump being US president is that he’ll ban ‘woke’ from the entire nation. Once more Americans can call a spade a spade. Or whatever else they wish to call him. Or her. See, I’m so programmed never to presume your pronouns that I have to qualify every sentence within a proper, diversity-motivated, equality-inspired care and consideration model of sensitivity. Cos you never know when some rabid poof is gonna read it. Or one of those gels with a nob. So I’m careful. Don’t want to offend anybody. And offence is what it’s all about.

Allison Pearson is a writer and journalist. She had a visit from the local police. About a tweet she’d posted. A year ago. Although it had been deleted soon after posting. And it had been reported. By someone who was ‘hurt’ by it. So it’s a ‘non-criminal hate incident’. Oh. Which tweet was it? We can’t tell you that. Who ‘reported’ it? We can’t tell you that either.

Oh well, that all sounds perfectly reasonable. If you live in Iran or Russia. Where thoughts and speech are controlled by the state. Or if you live somewhere that has so many policeMEN sitting around looking for shit to do because there’s no crime, no terrorism, no stabbings, no gang crime, that they deem a ‘non-criminal hate incident’ as a proper use of their time. Because one person was ‘offended’ by something she wrote.

I’m offended every time Arsenal win. Is that a ‘non-criminal hate incident’??? Ridiculously, a second police force became involved in the Allison Pearson tweet, so that’s more ‘bobbies’ reading twitter streams whilst 12 year old kids are getting knifed just round the corner, and completing the endless paperwork which is demanded of our boys (and gels) in blue, eating up their working hours.

The upshot of woke-ism is not that it is the most stupid, destructive, divisive ruination of free speech, but that it’s all contingent on one person being ‘hurt’ by a comment. Well that person should just ‘grow a pair’. Of anything they please, I don’t give a shit, just add two of them and man-up. Woman-up. Person-up. Thing-up. Whatever. Because we all hear things we don’t like. Ok, if it’s racist or blatantly sexist, then judgments have to be made. But that makes more presumptions on the ‘wokes’, and we know how perilous that can be. It presumes they’re normal, that they may have a sense of humour (most unlikely) or that they’re worth consideration (even less likely).

Which is why I shall continue to ensure my content is as politically correct as a pole dancer having sex with three men dressed as nuns.

I’ve got the kettle on for when the police arrive.

Happy Saturday

A xxxx

Justin Welby has resigned and there’ll be a new Justin Welby elected later by some Synod or enclave or whatever is the collective term for a bunch’a people wearing silly hats.

He had to go, there was no way back. To ‘not take action’ when child abuse is suspected is to be complicit. And he didn’t, so he was. If you follow…

I won’t bang on about the irony in which a church which spends half its time banging on about ‘sacrifice’ and morality, is prepared to sacrifice its own morality to protect its reputation. ‘The Church’ must endure, intact, over and above all other considerations.

But we know all that. We’ve been all over the Vatican and done it before. And doubtless will do it all again, real soon.

Yet when you look into the man who ‘was’ Justin Welby, you find a brilliant story. Not saying any of this justifies or even mitigates his wrong-doing. Just that its a great story. Not of rags to riches, more of riches-to-fancy dress.

His mum, Jane, was from aristocracy. Some of whom, granted, don’t have pots in which to pee, but this lot did. Thus did young Justin go to Eton. Which tells you three things immediately: he’s never flipped burgers at McDonalds, He can trace his back ancestry to Ethelred the Unready. He doesn’t support West Ham.

Justin’s ‘father’ is much more interesting. He has 2. One who was his ‘dad’ and one who provided the sperm required to make him. Jane was Winston Churchill’s personal secretary, had an affair with Winnie’s private secretary (sounds almost incestuous), then married Gavin Welby, with whom she raised little baby Justin. Who didn’t know who his ‘bio-logi-cal’ father was until 60 years later. That was Sir Anthony Montague Brown. As you’d expect. And a distant progenitor of his was a slaver who received compensation from our government when they totally ruined his career.

Other dad, Gavin, was Jewish. What that makes Justin I don’t know, but the rule is that for really good people, one Jewish relative out of 722 is sufficient to ‘claim’ him, but for disgraced scumbags, we’ll deny it all.

Gavin and Jane were both alcoholics, so it wasn’t all good for Justin, he was probably pleased to be away at Eton in the comfort of his ‘close friends’ and the fagging system.

Anyway, he’s gone now. The Archbishop of Canturbury is ‘dead’, long live the next…

Happy Wednesday

A xxxx

MATCH OF THE DAY WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN!!!!!

I keep reading how the BBC are ‘worried’ that once smug, arrogant tosspot Gary Lineker leaves next summer, ‘that MOTD may not survive!!!’ So let’s think about that just before we get on to the belated departure (should have been kicked out 5 years ago) of the (self-elected) God, Saint, Saviour and Spokesperson for all Bentley-driving Guardian-lefties who shout out about things they’re neither qualified nor educated about.

Is the entire nation of footballing obsessives (Mel excluded, obvs) going to stop watching their beloved game? Just because the smiling tosser wot fills the gaps between games will change? People have been watching MOTD since the Stone Age. There’s been loads of ‘hosts’. And the ‘host’ can add but that’s not his job, not what people have turned on for. They do that for the football. The ‘pundits’ we can all live without. They’re only there so to test the ‘fast forward’ button on your remote. An AI ‘host’ or a robot can say: “now over to Old Trafford where United took on a struggling Arsenal”.

The King of all of Leicester is pretty. Has a nice smile. Played for Spurs so can’t be ALL bad. Captained England. And, so uncommon in any footballer, he can speak in sentences. Joined up.

And that’s the good bit and yet the worst bit of Gary Lineker. Because at some point in the last 25 years he promoted himself from ‘football geezer’ to ‘statesman’ and ‘spokesman for all people’, without actually passing any exams. He just decided that he would comment on everything. And when he commented on the Government’s immigration policy that it was akin to what the Nazis did, he crossed the line from ‘ill-informed and ignorant’ into ‘offensive and blatantly political’. Because the BBC’s red line is always ‘impartiality’. He was suspended. Alan fucking Shearer went on strike in sympathy and because he lacks his own brain and Gary returned. Smugger than before. He’d beaten the system again.

Lineker tweets about everything. All from his leftist standpoint. ‘The people’s pundit’. A synonym for ‘arsehole’. And millions blindly follow this man who could undoubtedly score goals from up to 6 yards, but knows very little else. Nothing escapes the sharp point on his twitter-feed. No incident too small to raise a comment.

Except the Hamas slaughter of Israelis last year. That went unmentioned. Unimportant. Or unworthy of any criticism. Or of compassion or sympathy. Yet within one month of Israel’s attack on Gaza he tweeted that it was ‘textbook genocide’. As if he’s ever read a textbook, or, obviously, knows what ‘genocide’ means. And he has a ‘bit of a history’ with Israel and Jew-hate.

So as his final few months lead to his departure, I’d just like to say, in all sincerity, FUCK OFF LINEKER YOU ANTI-SEMITIC MORON.

I’m gonna miss him. Yeah. Right.

Happy Tuesday

A xxxx

You’ll know when the world’s ending because the bible gave us lots of clues to look out for. “Nation fighting nation” is one of them. And as that’s pretty much a constant since humans evolved, we can tick that box. “Food shortages” is another, exacerbated by one of the horsemen of the apocalypse. Well last week Waitrose ran out of a particular type of chilli hummus I’m rather fond of, so we can tick that box too. As for “religious hypocrisy”, we have the wonderful example by none less that our very own Archbishop of Canterbury, the most Christian Christian in the world other than the Pope, who’s another fucking hypocrite too. But Justin Welby apparently was aware, back in 2013 of one of the highest members of the church who had abused over 120 boys. And Welby did… nothing. As with the Pope, protecting the ‘reputation of the church’ is way more important than children being abused and having their entire lives ruined, so Welby made that decision. If that’s not hypocrisy, I know not what the words mean. Tosser.

But no-where in the catalogue of identifiable precursors of the ‘end of the world’, not on any of those boards strange men used to carry round Oxford Circus as they proclaimed ‘the end is nigh’, was written that Manchester City would lose four consecutive games whilst under Pep Guardiola’s managership.

So now I’m really worried. In a way that even Greta Thunberg could never be. Because I completed my education and didn’t waste it sitting outside the school holding a fucking placard.

Because City just don’t do that. Ok, the loss to Spurs was in Carabao Cup but still represents a loss. Losing to Sporting in the week in the Champions League hurt, especially losing 4-1. And two losses to our south coast seaside towns in the league puts them 5 points behind Liverpool. Even Arsenal could possibly catch them today, though I wouldn’t bet on Arsenal at Chelsea. Or anywhere else really, but that would be on principle.

Spurs are playing first. If we beat Ipswich Town we go above Arsenal for at least the 2 hours before the result at Chelsea. And that, in my world, is what counts as ‘success’. Who needs cups, medals, financial rewards, when you can sit above Arsenal and really enjoy it, albeit for a rather limited time. How many texts can you send in 2 hours?

(It better be a) Happy Sunday

A xxxx

I make that three assassination attempts so far. That we know of!!! And all three have failed. The first one either by fortuitous turn of the head or by sniper ineptitude, the second because walking round a golf course which has 635 security guards whilst carrying an assault rifle over your shoulder may possibly attract notice. And the third never happened. The nation of Iran plotted an assassination from afar, by proxy, as that horribly nasty, dirty-deedy nation does all its business, but it was foiled.

And my question is: HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU MISS SUCH A MASSIVE FUCKING TARGET AS DONALD J. TRUMP?????

And it’s not like he ‘blends into the background’, he bright orange FFS. But it begs the question as to whether he’ll last his term as president. There must be at least 1 decent assassin in America. Or Iran. Surely?

Obviously, I don’t want him dead, that wouldn’t help anything, but I’m thinking of placing a bet and I’m not sure what the odds should be.

Meanwhile, over in Europe, the worst ‘pogrom’ since the war (not counting 7/Oct/23) occurred on Thursday night in Amsterdam. Where Macabi Tel Aviv visited to play Ajax in the Europa League. And after which, a few hundred ‘locals’ organised themselves into a strategic attack on Israeli fans as they returned to their hotels in small groups. A series of premeditated, orchestrated hit-and-runs, with their taxi-driver mates telling them where to go.

The leaders in Holland are beside themselves, they’ve never really got over Anne Frank, and now yet again they failed to protect Jews. Geert Wilders, the ultra right wing politician and populist leader now has more grist to his mill of anti-Muslim, anti-immigrant narrative. And, on the anniversary of Krystallnacht, which is today, FFS, it firstly resonates deeply and secondly makes everyone in Paris, London, Brussels and most other large, ‘multi-cultural’ cities, start to seriously worry.

And I’m not a natural ‘worryer’. More a natural ‘moaner’.

Happy Saturday

A xxxx

When you fight an election you only have two choices: continuity or change. Which is why the Starmers used the ‘c’-word… ok, they’re both ‘c’-words, used the word ‘change’, during the whole election campaign, 7,324,092 times. I’ve counted. The Tories promised continuity because the economy was ‘on the right track’ and Boris was nowhere in sight.

And that’s why Kamala lost the election yesterday. Because the only ‘c’-word available to her was the one her detractors have been calling her for years. And can’t be spoken in public. She couldn’t claim ‘change’ because she was ‘the status quo’. You can’t change if the government is actually staying pretty much the same. Well, half of it. And she didn’t want to claim ‘continuity’ because most Americans hated the Biden/Harris administration. Especially Biden. Who endorsed Kamala, effectively giving her the kiss of death. Politically speaking. And by implication promising a continuity which no-one wanted. He was perceived as weak (even before you could add ‘feeble’) and she inherited that mantle.

She also lost it because she’s so horribly woke in a country where half the population marry their own cousins and would return to ‘segregation’ tomorrow if they could. Even though most probably couldn’t spell the word.

What Trump will do is improve the lives of the masses. Make their dollars go further. The fact that he is possibly the worst human being who ever lived is way down any blue-collar Americans list of priorities. His apparent sexism, racism, criminality and constant lies and spouting total rubbish, that’s not even relevant to these people. It’s like the Russians with Putin; he made them ‘richer’ and nothing is more important. The ‘big issues’ are for those who can afford to think about them.

I find myself in a terrible personal predicament. I actually wanted ‘the worst man in the world’ to win. I hate him. But I think my total indifference to ‘her’, coupled with her pro-wokeness leading her against Israel to appease the hard lefties in her party, forced me to want that horrible orange thing to win. Because he’ll make Israel safer. And in turn (though this may not resonate with everyone), that will make the world safer. Thus: I am a bad person.

But a bad person who loves peanut butter. Hence today’s photo. Forget grandchildren, this product WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE! Particularly if you’re nut-allergic, I get that, but for those who aren’t, it will change it in the best possible way. But it. You’ll thank me. But a warning: starting to eat this stuff is easy. It’s the stopping which is very very difficult.

Happy Thursday,

A xxxx

The votes are still being counted. In Alaska and Hawaii they’re still voting. But I am declaring my undisputed victory in the Presidential election. In fact I declared it last Wednesday. I have a lot of respect for Kamala Harris. She was the worst vice-president in the history of America. She stood at the border welcoming illegal immigrants with a glass of champagne, some pets to eat and a bunch’a cash. But the people have voted for me. For making America even more greater than I made it last time. The economy will be great. The borders will be sealed. We’ll finish the wall. Abortionists will become car washers. Go out now and buy shares in Smith & Wesson. Send your daughters out for when pussy-grabbing becomes enshrined in law.

I’ve had messages from all the world’s leaders. They all need me. They all love me. They wouldn’a called Kamala. She’s the worst person in the world. She trashed the economy here, caused the war in Ukraine, upset Putin. Macron messaged me. Suddenly he’s my best friend too. And worst of all Keith Starzer, that guy from Britain. He spends 5 years with his pals accusing me of ‘crimes against communism’ and now he wants ‘the special relationship’. We went out for dinner, he paid the bill, now he wants to screw me, like I’m a cheap date. Got news for you Kevin, I AIN’ NO CHEAP DATE!!’

I’ve won elections before, but this one was the most surprising in election history. Anywhere in the world. Because people love me. Elon loves me and he’s the richest man in America. He sees through all the fake news which the commies put out there to try and discredit me. They accuse me of crimes. Well, they’re not crimes. Or they won’t be once I’ve changed the laws.

America will be great once more. I’ll see to it. So Americans no longer struggle to put food on their tables and bullets in their guns. I’ll make sure that even poor people can get medical help. Some of them. And we’ll show how even Puerto Ricans are welcome here. In small numbers.

It may take me longer than four years to achieve everything I need to do. So I may just ‘adjust’ the presidential process to allow for that. Because all of America voted for me, love me and want me here forever. And I can’t disappoint my fellow Americans.

This is the most incredible day the world has ever known.

Your President,

Don xxxx

Rachel Reeves did her best on Wednesday to tax the living shit out of every living Englishman. (The Scots, Welsh and Irish are mainly unemployed or on benefits so don’t count for tax purposes). So why is it that when I try to buy a Mercedes AMG One, they’re all sold out? I thought I’d have more luck with a Ferrari F80, but the whole lot, all 799, are pre-sold. And yet both these cars are over 2.5 million quid. And furthermore, both are ‘simply’ their Formula One engines wrapped up in something just about street-legal.

So first and foremost there are ‘cars’. They can be quite fast, quite low, quite special, but until they become quite expensive they can’t be ‘supercars’. I suppose to be proper ‘supercar’ it needs to be pretty noisy too. No-one wants to pay 120 grand for a silent, battery-powered anything. You CAN have batteries AND electric motors and maintain your supercar status, but these MUST be to supplement a petrol engine of immense power and noise. And horses. Read the rules.

But then, for some people, having a ‘normal’ kind of Ferrari or a ‘low end’ McLaren, even a beefed up Porsche or Lamborghini, is not quite enough. Oh, its enough ‘car’ and more than enough ‘power’ but the price tag is simply not eye-watering enough to elevate it beyond ‘supercar’ status into a ‘hypercar’!!! The first of which, really, was the Bugatti Veyron. The world’s first 1000 horse-power vehicle. Basically they stuck two VW engines together with glue and spent five years inventing a clutch that didn’t burn out when you tried to leave ‘neutral’. Then we had Paganis Koenigseggs and all sorts of other ‘hypercars’, all getting up to, or just beyond, a million quid.

So what do we call a car north of two-an-a-‘alf million producing 1000+ horse-powers and pretty undrivable on anything approximating ‘a road’? We could call it simply ‘unaffordable’, even ‘stupid’, but we need… a name… we need a… Warp-speed-car!!!, we need a MEGAcar!!!! We need a car that only tax-avoiding, not-working-people with big garages who probably have a chauffeur anyway- car.

Or, you can buy one of these. A Batmobile. A real one. A ‘tumble car’, powered by a G-wagon engine, of course, why fuck about? It also costs about 2.5 mil but oh my it would be the most fun you could have just before you get arrested for driving a completely non-legal car on the road. And terrorising old ladies in Nissan Micras (which I would), scaring the local squirrel population (which I definitely would), and causing noise, as well as most other, pollution. If you want to take your wife out, you need to get her her own one, cos it only has one seat.

Happy Tuesday

A xxxx