Andy's Glasses

My mate the Hindu once said to me about his brother-in-law, a Seikh; “lovely people, the Seikhs, very war-like”. And yet here we are today with Britain’s Seikhs trying to claim that Islam was spread ‘by the sword’. Trying, because saying such a sentence would now be classed as ‘Islamaphobic’, should the definition of that created in 2018 by MPs and Lords, be accepted. As it has by many councils and unions.

But the Seikhs argue (even though my mate never accused them of being ‘argumentative’ too) that you only have to look at history to see that prevention of such phrases would actually require a revision of Indian history. Along with that of many African countries too. Where Muslims invaded, murdered, subjugated and finally converted populations to Islam. Not completely different to Christians in the Crusades and the Spanish Inquisition. Though you can’t say Muslims ‘subjugated minority groups’ either any longer, cos its Islamophobic. Innit.

So-called ‘Muslin groups’ are still eliminating ‘infidels’, like Seikhs and Hindus, in Bangladesh, Pakistan and Afghanistan. Yet saying ‘Islam spread by the sword’, or ‘Muslims subjugated populations’ will be ‘Islamophobic’. Even if they’re true and historically valid. So something will have to give. It better be history. Just re-write it. Revise it. So that history lessons don’t risk accusations of ‘Islamophobia’. Those statements will be banned ‘tropes’. Along with accusations that Muhammad was a paedophile. Which is an odd accusation at a man who married a woman old enough to be his mother. But who knows what he did on a Saturday night out in Billericay town centre.

It’s true, obviously, that most Muslim people are peaceful, family-loving, nice, struggling to survive against hunger, poverty and trying to make a better life for all. Like everybody else. Yet of that majority is another majority who will unfailingly either support or fail to condemn acts of modern day ‘swordism’, when perpetrated by Muslims.

It’s just strange that in defining ‘Islamophibia’, Muslims will be protected from all sorts of terminology, including historical truths, whilst other ‘definitions’ of racism don’t do that. As they shouldn’t. Basically, it’s much easier to be an anti-Semite or anti-Seikh or Hindu. So you might as well go for that.

Also, in giving Muslims a quite ridiculously ‘privileged status’, it makes them more offensive to the Hard Rights, and thus more appealing as something to attack.

Every minority has the right to be protected from abuse. But not protected from the truth. No-one has the right to that.

Happy Saturday

A xxxx

The heading of today’s little piece is a play on words. Not a very good one. Best I could come up with at short notice. I needed something which implied ‘Lammy’ and ‘ated’. Cos we all ‘ate David Lammy.

I mentioned him yesterday for, essentially, being a fuckwit, but quite frankly, having reviewed the situation and held a ‘public inquiry’ (Me and Mel over dinner, so much quicker than getting judges and lawyers involved; and cheaper. Well, we’re ‘public’ ain’t we?) I’d understated his fuckwittedness by a factor of 27 raised to the power of 19. It was a very precise, scientific inquiry.

When Lammy proudly announced that he was cancelling export licenses for 30 out of the 350 which were in place for the supply of ‘arms related’ stuff to Israel, he claimed it was ‘following legal assessment relating to use of weapons in breach of international human rights standards’. He was worried that Britain might be complicit if one of the screws we make, on a missile went astray during the explosion and hurt an innocent Gazan, we might be complicit in the wrongdoing.

The legal advice would not be binding. The Labour government knows this very well. Remember ‘weapons of mass destruction’? The government takes its legal advice and then chooses how to act upon it. It is virtually always subject to interpretation and ambiguity. Former Solicitor General Lord Garnier KC stated that this very morning.

Thus it was not a ‘legal decision’ but purely a political one. Which any normal fuckwit would realise was not a great decision. His intention was to ‘maintain support, 100%, for Israel’s right to defend itself’, whilst appeasing the massive anti-Israel lobby in his party. He was hedging. But the hedge was blighted. The anti-Zionists still hate him for not demanding the complete elimination of Jews from ‘Palestine’, and now the Zionists hate him for effectively showing support for Hamas. The people Israeli weapons are aimed at. He rewarded the terrorists for murdering 6 hostages on Sunday.

Netenyahu called Lammy a traitor. And a stupid one at that because the imbecile can’t see he’s playing into Hamas’ hands. Joe Biden said, “…errrrr, is it Friday today?”, then told Starmer that in US law, the supply of arms to an ally is pretty well sacrosanct. Which, for all his mental challenges, is the right message. The one any ally should send. Support should not be subject to virtue signalling.

I then learned that Lammy’s education fees, $40,000 to study Law at Yale, were paid for a group of Jewish lawyers. Who must have seen something of virtue in the young David. Shame it never materialised into anything worthwhile. Should have bought an electric car instead.

Happy back to school Wednesday

A xxxx

This is a week of excitement. In relative terms. Because this week sees the first round of voting to decide who will be the next leader of the Conservative Party! And life doesn’t get more exciting than that. The battle to become the leader of the smallest minority opposition party since 1732. Yet it’s important. Mainly due to the fact that after about 6 weeks of this present government, I’m fed up with them already.

Yesterday they removed licenses for the sale of arms to Israel. The actual scale of which will not affect anybody whatsoever. It won’t diminish Israel’s military power, nor make life better for one single Palestinian. But it’s a statement. David Lammy has basically said that he wants to make his token gesture of stopping Israel from destroying a terrorist organisation which is intent on its destruction and perpetrating genocide on its people. Of course, timing is everything, so he waited for the day after 6 hostages were summarily executed by Hamas to prevent their rescue. And now Hamas are getting effective ‘support’ from our government. Rewarding terrorists in a losing attempt to appease the masses of antisemites in his party. Tosser.

But this isn’t about the government. It’s about the opposition. All 121 of them. And they’ve found 6 to choose from. Not by us. We don’t matter. Unless ‘we’ are members of ‘the party’ in which case we’ll have our say later. Because that worked so well in selecting Liz Truss, showing the wonderful ability of ‘grass roots’ Tories to make a good choice. I’m not a member. My heart has never been in the Conservative Party. But my wallet has.

So 6 people. Big (ish) job on the line. Possibly… the next Prime Minister!!! But first things first. Personally I like James Cleverly. His easy manner. Though some say ‘too easy’ because he’s served under about 9 different leaders (about 7 weeks of ‘Tory-time’) and thus is ‘flexible’. Though some call this ‘not having any strong ideas of his own’.

Suella Braverman is regarded as ‘toxic’ by the party, so isn’t standing. But she’s the only one prepared to actually speak truths. Even ones that ‘shouldn’t be said’, or ones that are unpopular. And let’s face it, no political party wants the truth to get out.

Kemi Badenoch. Ticks virtually every box. If only she was one-legged and gay she’d be the dream ticket. Personally I quite like her outspokenness, she’s like ‘Suella-lite’.

Tom Tugendhat is a noble candidate. Man of principle and a ‘centrist’ within the party. Depends how many people see the Conservative’s future as in the middle or to the right. Do you fight labour, or Farage?

And a couple of others who won’t win anyway but just make it a little bit more interesting. If that was even possible.

So think carefully before you vote. Even though you can’t.

Happy Tuesday

A xxxx

Oh my god, it’s the best news ever!!! Well, unfortunately Kier Starmer is still the PM, Russians are still in Ukraine, Israeli hostages are being found dead, I’m still in danger of freezing in the winter without my heating allowance, but there’s a rumour that…

Harry is coming home!!! Like, the Prince? Red headed dude? Oh come on, you must remember, used to be the Queen’s grandson, then he go disowned. Married an actress. Not just any old actress but a divorced foreigner of… mixed race!! The royal family loved her. For about 10 minutes then it all went to shit. She accused them of racism, they said ‘that darkie whore is lying’. Everyone in the country turned against Meghan, except me, because she’s good looking.

Anyway… the royals are talking about re-royaling their errant son. Don’t know how that would work procedurally, constitutionally, but probably involves suits of armour, some really heavy jewelled swords and melted wax in his nipples. I just don’t know. Oh, and probably a lot of money. To make it worth Harry’s while giving up his lucrative career of official Californian responsible for slagging off the British Royal Family.

My life, and William’s, will be greatly improved by his return.

Last night we went to a an evening of MOJO. MOJO? Music of Jewish Origin. I was hoping for, like, prayers. Blessings. Maybe a bit of kletzmer from Fiddler on the Roof. But what I got was a total disappointment.

George Gershwin wrote Rhapsody in Blue 100 years ago. Ok, Gershwin was Jewish but you can’t sing your evening prayers to it, can you? That was followed by a million songs from Broadway’s biggest ever shows, all written by Rogers & Hart, Rogers & Hammerstein, Irvin Berlin and a dozen other Jews. 100 of Elvis’s hit songs were written by just 3 Jewish guys. White Christmas. Let it Snow. Then came Leiber & Stoller’s hit-making machine, Neil Sedaka, Carol King, Neil Diamond, all writers of hundreds of hits as well as having performing careers. Barry Manilow might not be a high point but he’s still going at about 132 years, and Barbara Streisand?

There have been a few hit songs written by non-Jews too but for the purposes of last night, they’re of no interest.

Hitler had a rule that ‘to be Jewish’ you needed just one grandparent. One part in 4. Well to be grabbed as ‘Jewish’ for being famous, fabulous or brilliant, you only need about one part in 32 and we’ll claim you, gladly. Because we’re such a tiny minority of the world (0.2%). Though with songwriters, we don’t need that extension.

Happy Sunday (as long as you don’t count the football)

A xxxx

I know that governments have a serious job to do. They have to ‘say it like it is’, except when scandal, sleaze, parties or horrrendoulsy poor landlords are concerned, I get that. But is all fucking doom and gloom from our new lot. Led by Misery-in-chief, Dreary Kiery, we were never going to get the laugh-a-minute hi-jinks of the Johnson government. But The Dull One has really excelled all expectations so far. And it’s really not what he says, but totally the way he says it. In such a manner that would have those of the cheeriest disposition reaching for the sleeping pills and razor blades.

He decided to condemn half the pensioners in the country to death by freezing when he removed the Winter Heating Allowance, but that’s fine because I didn’t really need it anyway, and if a ‘cull’ is required, then so be it. He needed that money to pay for his inability to negotiate with the unions, which has cost ‘us’ 6 billion quid. So far. And everything is ‘the fault of 14 years of Tory government and mismanagement…’, which is why that sentence has to be repeated every 10 minutes, whatever the context, and has been since January. He came to power on a promise of ‘change!!!’, implying, in my eyes -for the better. But that’s my fault for presuming. Because change works both ways. And they are still promising change, but for the much worse. If only we had a Prime Minister who was capable of understanding that there are ways of delivering news in a more positive light.

Ok, there has been some humour around, even I can’t deny that. Jas Athwal, the MP for Ilford South, came to victory after promising to be the ‘renter’s champion’ against rogue landlords. And it turns out he’s the roguest of rogue landlords. Renting out 15 flats in his own constituency which are insect-infested health hazards. Better still, any tenants who raise a complaint are threatened with eviction. So you can’t say Kier doesn’t like a laugh.

And Gails-gate has returned. But from under its disguise. The good folks of Walthamstow have given up on their ‘Gail’s is too posh for E17!!!’ campaign and changed it to the all new ‘Gail’s is too Zionist, Jewish, Israeli for Walthamstow!!!’ If you buy a chocolate croissant from there, you might as well take a Gazan baby and shoot him in the head!!!

Ok, Gail’s is no longer Israeli owned, nor has any links really. But hang on; it hasn’t joined the ‘boycott Israel’ campaign so it might as well be an IDF bomber command unit. Ban it anyway.

Happy Saturday

A xxxx

Ok, I’d never heard of ‘Telegram’, the media ‘thing’, until last week when Pavel Durov, the owner, was arrested in France. For ‘being in possession of a communication medium which bad people use’. Ya don’t mess with Macron. He might look like a scrawny little mummy’s boy scrap of arrogance and typically French stroppiness, but he’s tough as… tough as something that acts tough but in fact is limp and rather lacking.

Telegram is a communication device. A cross between WhatsApp and ‘X’. Like the former because its for direct communication, though its not ‘encrypted’ like WhatsApp, so be careful who you send pictures of your willy to. And not quite as ‘out there’ as ‘X’ but it does handle ‘groups’ of up to a million or so. And here’s the problem. Some really naughty people have been sending some really bad shit over Telegram. Child pornography, so we know the signal must reach the BBC, drug deals, so Goldman Sacks might be involved, and terrorism.

From my perspective, arresting poor Pavel is a bit like arresting the CEO of British Telecom because two bank robbers made their plans over the phone. But my perspective can be a little warped at times, I grant you. “These people should be blocked!!!!”, they cry. But I thought ‘blocking’ was only for high profile nasties and terrorists, like Tommy Robinson, Osam Bin Laden and Donald Trump. Who can always use ‘X’ because Elon fraternises with terrorists, but only if they’re of the ‘extreme right’ variety.

They want to shoot the messenger. And that can be ok, but they really should start with Elon Musk who has more ability to ‘block’ than Telegram. But to what extent are you responsible for the people using your platform?

When the good people of Belarus (and there must be at least 7) discussed protest against the vile and murderous Putin-clone dictator who rules them, all social media was shut down by that government. But they couldn’t shut Telegram. Similarly in Russia, its the only ‘outside information’ Russians can get. Putin wanted data about dissidents, but Pavel left Russia instead, back in 2014 and hasn’t returned.

Thus the debate ensues: freedom of speech vs controlling of the media. You can’t have governments deciding who’s allowed to voice an opinion. Well, you can, but those governments would be in North Korea, Iran and Belarus. Possibly France. And no-one wants child porn and terrorism. Except kiddy-fiddlers and terrorists, I suppose, but those people exist and will always find ways to connect. The mode of connection shouldn’t be punished unless its wilfully complicit or intentionally negligent. And I really don’t think Telegram is either.

But what do I know?

Happy Friday

A xxxx

The Northern Line managed to take me 3 stops last night before packing up. Power failure at Camden. Catastrophic. Yeah, heard it before, it’ll be going again in 5 minutes. But after 10 minutes they announced ‘the entire Northern Line is suspended’. Stranded at Tottenham Court Road. Fuck! Hang on; where there’s Lime Bikes, there’s hope!! And there was. Four of them. So I hopped on one and ‘flew’ home.

When I say ‘hopped’…

I’ve never used a Lime Bike before but apparently your Uber account accesses them, I knew that. Plus, they have ‘Uber’ written on them, bit of a giveaway. You just needed to scan the bike’s QR code and ‘off you go!!!!’ But, of course, in my appaphobic anger, it wouldn’t scan. Just kept taking me to my ‘settings’ page. Where there was no picture of Lime bike. Just a lot of ambiguous app-bollocks using as many double negatives as Silicon Valley can find. “To not turn off the blocker of accessibility mode, don’t press this”. WTF??? Eventually I worked out how to let the app find my camera and, stopping a nearby lawyer as a witness, gave my ‘permission’ to film a fucking QR code. Thus the ‘hopping on’ actually took longer than the ride home. Which was lovely, Lime Bikes are really user-friendly to ride. And it cost me 9 quid. I looked on the app for the bit where it’s free for over-60s, AS ALL TRAVEL SHOULD BE, but it must have been broken. Or it would have said: “don’t press this if you’re not older than 60”.

I came home and looked for a suitable parking place for the bike. In someone’s driveway? Blocking the pavement’s a good place. Inside Waitrose front door? Ah, I’ll just leave it on that pensioner’s head as he walks down the street.

However, nothing could have dampened my mood yesterday. Nothing! Because Oasis are re-forming and that, to be honest, is proof, if ever it were needed, that there is a God. A real one. Up in heaven. In whose image we are made. So God is an ugly northern verminous piece of vile Mancunian-ness, wearing a fringe and dark glasses at night-time, who swears a lot, is abusive and insulting to one and all and yet who thinks He is the best thing that was ever invented.

Yeah, Noel and Liam are back together. I never thought the day would come. It’s like Spurs winning a trophy; you really want it but just know it can never be. The two brothers embraced… ok, scowled at each other across the Etihad one day and realised that everybody hates them. They’ve spent 20 years cultivating the most toxic personae they could, never even trying to lose their accents, and they only have each other. Possibly, deserve each other. I would rather donate the 350 quid ticket price to ISIS than enrich them and feed their arrogance.

Happy Wednesday

A xxxx

When you turn 60 you start getting uninvited emails from SAGA and all manner of unscrupulous organisations whose very existence is testament to the gullibility of old people and the credibility we attach to established companies who sound ‘beneficial’ to the aged. Whereas in fact, they’re the biggest crooks around. For confirmation of this; apply to SAGA for any type of ‘insurance; ESPECIALLY FOR OLD GITS!!!’, and you wonder how anything they claim is legal.

Then, as the years progress, you start getting invited to look at plans or sometimes actual buildings designated ‘retirement homes’. They won’t change your nappy in such places, these are generally upmarket apartment blocks, at very upmarket prices, for ‘independent living’ but possibly with a ‘warden’. Which translates as an asylum seeker on minimum wage sitting there 24 hours a day trying to learn English whilst a bunch of old people keep disturbing him, making demands whilst he’s conjugating his verbs. He is trained in only one sentence: “I’m not allowed to do touch anyone or do anything: phone 999”. “BUT MY HUSBAND HAS FALLEN OVER/STOPPED BREATHING/SWALLOWED THE KETTLE!!!”, “I’m not allowed to…”

There’s no care, certainly no ‘nursing’.

So today, we pre-empted the whole ‘retirement’ schtick and instead went to take a look at Willesden Cemetery. It’s lovely there. Ok, no gym or underground pool, or parking, but if it’s good enough for the Rothschilds, most of whom are buried there, well, the dead ones mainly, it’s good enough for me. Us. The rooms aren’t ‘big’, in the normal sense but…

Willesden Cemetery was the first burial ground of the ‘United Synagogues’, in 1870. When they ‘United’. The 8 acres of finest Willesden ‘countryside’ (as it then was) cost… drum roll… 4 grand. Including an option for a further 4 acres later. It’s almost full now. Though there is vacant lot next to Michael Winner, if you’re interested. Because he occupies the double plot his parents reserved but didn’t use. There’s the Rothschilds and other member of what would be Jewish Aristocracy if Jews were allowed in the aristocracy, with suitably flamboyant places of rest. Like all cemeteries, it’s fascinating. But the stories. It’s always about the stories. Which are fantastic. And, in some cases, even true.

Happy retirement,

A xxxx

I don’t know what Jermaine Jenas (known as ‘JJ’ to his mates, other than his former teammates who call him ‘PP’, ‘LZ’ or ‘TB’ because footballers generally can’t spell or read properly) has done to offend the BBC but they have really sprung into action against him.

It took about 10 years for the corporation to act against serial child abuser Jimmy Savile. After 5 years of suspicions, getting more and more convincing, the Beeb did the only thing it could do in the circumstances. They gave him his own show. Jim’ll Fix It. So that he could spend more time with even more kids, particularly the underprivileged or disabled types, which he preferred. It was like putting the fox in charge of the henhouse. Or putting an Abu Dhabi oil billionaire in charge of Premiership football club.

With Huw Edwards it only took about a year from when they had some evidence of his ‘predilections’ to suspending him. And another 9 months to stop paying him. Well, it’s not their money, is it? ITS FUCKING OURS!!!! But Huw was everyone’s favourite, lovely, Welsh newscaster, and making inappropriate advances to an 18 year old boy is legal, but within a workplace environment…

Jermaine played for Spurs. In theory. ‘Jermaine was on Spurs injury list’ is possibly more accurate. He’d come from Newcastle United where he scored a few outstanding goals and… well, looked pretty. So we bought him because when Ginola left we were pretty much down to just plain ‘ugly’. Which is fine when it wins you trophies, but it didn’t. So we employed the ‘pretty boy’ to brighten the team sheet. He retired quite young, became a pundit, not because he’s knowledgable or eloquent, because you’re not allowed either of those in the world of punditry, but because he looks pretty.

And then, last week, he’s sacked. Boom! No warning, no story about to appear in the Sun showing the text message photos of his nob, nothing. Just: gone.

I don’t know if he was sending pics of his genitals, but whatever he sent to the two women recipients, safe to say, it was nothing they wanted. The worked with him. And thus he was in a position of power. He was ‘the talent’. Although which talent, no-one’s ever been able to ascertain, other than looking pretty. So they sacked him. Obviously in the aftermath of the Huw Edwards ‘scandal’ they just couldn’t be seen to be dragging their feet again.

The Beeb had to be seen to be proactive. They couldn’t again just react to stories in every paper exposing abuse by their employees, inappropriate behaviour, just because they’re left with no choice. They had to act. Before the tabloids. And they did.

So why is Lineker still there?

Happy Sunday

A xxxx

Living on a boat has its dangers. No doubt about that after this week’s happenings in Sicily. You can never be too careful. Waterspouts, pirates, submarine attack, you just never know. Hence my mate, The Boatman, who lives on a really fabulous house boat, has to be careful. Take precautions. Protect yourself. That’s why he had this little array of deadly weaponry on his kitchen table yesterday. Firstly to send me a photo, in case I’m in any doubt about his continuing need for therapy, and also because these are just his ‘surplus’. His proper armoury has all the good things, looked after by the boatswain, or the quartermaster, or any other of ‘the crew’. So this lot he wants to sell. He just needs to find another unarmed psychopath to take the lot off his hands.

However, someone walking past his boat on the towpath noticed. And wondered if this was a Russian incursion, a terrorist attack in preparation, world war 3 about to start, on the River Thames in the middle of nowhere, somewhere in western Oxfordshire. Being a ‘good Samaritan’, he called the police.

So as the boatman is having a cup of tea at lunchtime, 12 police cars arrived. Simultaneously. Coordinated. Out of which jumped 17 police officers. With guns. Drawn. “ARMED POLICE COME OUT NOW WITH YOUR HANDS UP!!!!”, they screamed, like they do on the telly, but, Alec Baldwin notwithstanding, this was with real bullets.

He grabbed a gun, put a knife in his belt, and ran on deck screaming and shooting, thinking that if he could just untie the vessel and cast off, he’d be ‘gone’! Although his vessel is way more house than boat and only goes at about 3mph. Which isn’t a problem unless you’re re-enacting Bonnie & Clyde.

Ok, he didn’t. The wimp. He put his hands up and walked out towards 22 policemen, 17 of them armed and ‘loaded’, and a dog. My mate wasn’t worried about the guns but was most concerned that they had little bag in case the doggy needed a poo.

He was handcuffed and put in a police car whilst they started their search. Which did yield loads more weaponry but alas, all legally allowed. Yes, air rifles and pistols, crossbows, all kosher. They found no nuclear warheads, ballistic missiles or Semtex, sacks of raw heroin or blocks of pure cocaine.

The did find a flick-knife. Just like my one. We bought them together, 43 years ago on a trip we made to France. And that is sooooo illegal that he was charged for possessing it. Everything else was fine. And for that he was in a cell for 10 hours.

Is it illegal to own a penis? Well why is it illegal to own a few weapons? They go together. With testicles comes a fascination with guns and knives. Ok, most men don’t go to such lengths to fulfil the fantasy, we’re happy with standing in front of the mirror saying: “you talking to ME???”

He’s free now. I’m his parole officer. And he had to promise not to invade anyone for at least 1 year.

Happy peaceful Saturday

A xxxx