Andy's Glasses

You’ll know when the world’s ending because the bible gave us lots of clues to look out for. “Nation fighting nation” is one of them. And as that’s pretty much a constant since humans evolved, we can tick that box. “Food shortages” is another, exacerbated by one of the horsemen of the apocalypse. Well last week Waitrose ran out of a particular type of chilli hummus I’m rather fond of, so we can tick that box too. As for “religious hypocrisy”, we have the wonderful example by none less that our very own Archbishop of Canterbury, the most Christian Christian in the world other than the Pope, who’s another fucking hypocrite too. But Justin Welby apparently was aware, back in 2013 of one of the highest members of the church who had abused over 120 boys. And Welby did… nothing. As with the Pope, protecting the ‘reputation of the church’ is way more important than children being abused and having their entire lives ruined, so Welby made that decision. If that’s not hypocrisy, I know not what the words mean. Tosser.

But no-where in the catalogue of identifiable precursors of the ‘end of the world’, not on any of those boards strange men used to carry round Oxford Circus as they proclaimed ‘the end is nigh’, was written that Manchester City would lose four consecutive games whilst under Pep Guardiola’s managership.

So now I’m really worried. In a way that even Greta Thunberg could never be. Because I completed my education and didn’t waste it sitting outside the school holding a fucking placard.

Because City just don’t do that. Ok, the loss to Spurs was in Carabao Cup but still represents a loss. Losing to Sporting in the week in the Champions League hurt, especially losing 4-1. And two losses to our south coast seaside towns in the league puts them 5 points behind Liverpool. Even Arsenal could possibly catch them today, though I wouldn’t bet on Arsenal at Chelsea. Or anywhere else really, but that would be on principle.

Spurs are playing first. If we beat Ipswich Town we go above Arsenal for at least the 2 hours before the result at Chelsea. And that, in my world, is what counts as ‘success’. Who needs cups, medals, financial rewards, when you can sit above Arsenal and really enjoy it, albeit for a rather limited time. How many texts can you send in 2 hours?

(It better be a) Happy Sunday

A xxxx

I make that three assassination attempts so far. That we know of!!! And all three have failed. The first one either by fortuitous turn of the head or by sniper ineptitude, the second because walking round a golf course which has 635 security guards whilst carrying an assault rifle over your shoulder may possibly attract notice. And the third never happened. The nation of Iran plotted an assassination from afar, by proxy, as that horribly nasty, dirty-deedy nation does all its business, but it was foiled.

And my question is: HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU MISS SUCH A MASSIVE FUCKING TARGET AS DONALD J. TRUMP?????

And it’s not like he ‘blends into the background’, he bright orange FFS. But it begs the question as to whether he’ll last his term as president. There must be at least 1 decent assassin in America. Or Iran. Surely?

Obviously, I don’t want him dead, that wouldn’t help anything, but I’m thinking of placing a bet and I’m not sure what the odds should be.

Meanwhile, over in Europe, the worst ‘pogrom’ since the war (not counting 7/Oct/23) occurred on Thursday night in Amsterdam. Where Macabi Tel Aviv visited to play Ajax in the Europa League. And after which, a few hundred ‘locals’ organised themselves into a strategic attack on Israeli fans as they returned to their hotels in small groups. A series of premeditated, orchestrated hit-and-runs, with their taxi-driver mates telling them where to go.

The leaders in Holland are beside themselves, they’ve never really got over Anne Frank, and now yet again they failed to protect Jews. Geert Wilders, the ultra right wing politician and populist leader now has more grist to his mill of anti-Muslim, anti-immigrant narrative. And, on the anniversary of Krystallnacht, which is today, FFS, it firstly resonates deeply and secondly makes everyone in Paris, London, Brussels and most other large, ‘multi-cultural’ cities, start to seriously worry.

And I’m not a natural ‘worryer’. More a natural ‘moaner’.

Happy Saturday

A xxxx

When you fight an election you only have two choices: continuity or change. Which is why the Starmers used the ‘c’-word… ok, they’re both ‘c’-words, used the word ‘change’, during the whole election campaign, 7,324,092 times. I’ve counted. The Tories promised continuity because the economy was ‘on the right track’ and Boris was nowhere in sight.

And that’s why Kamala lost the election yesterday. Because the only ‘c’-word available to her was the one her detractors have been calling her for years. And can’t be spoken in public. She couldn’t claim ‘change’ because she was ‘the status quo’. You can’t change if the government is actually staying pretty much the same. Well, half of it. And she didn’t want to claim ‘continuity’ because most Americans hated the Biden/Harris administration. Especially Biden. Who endorsed Kamala, effectively giving her the kiss of death. Politically speaking. And by implication promising a continuity which no-one wanted. He was perceived as weak (even before you could add ‘feeble’) and she inherited that mantle.

She also lost it because she’s so horribly woke in a country where half the population marry their own cousins and would return to ‘segregation’ tomorrow if they could. Even though most probably couldn’t spell the word.

What Trump will do is improve the lives of the masses. Make their dollars go further. The fact that he is possibly the worst human being who ever lived is way down any blue-collar Americans list of priorities. His apparent sexism, racism, criminality and constant lies and spouting total rubbish, that’s not even relevant to these people. It’s like the Russians with Putin; he made them ‘richer’ and nothing is more important. The ‘big issues’ are for those who can afford to think about them.

I find myself in a terrible personal predicament. I actually wanted ‘the worst man in the world’ to win. I hate him. But I think my total indifference to ‘her’, coupled with her pro-wokeness leading her against Israel to appease the hard lefties in her party, forced me to want that horrible orange thing to win. Because he’ll make Israel safer. And in turn (though this may not resonate with everyone), that will make the world safer. Thus: I am a bad person.

But a bad person who loves peanut butter. Hence today’s photo. Forget grandchildren, this product WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE! Particularly if you’re nut-allergic, I get that, but for those who aren’t, it will change it in the best possible way. But it. You’ll thank me. But a warning: starting to eat this stuff is easy. It’s the stopping which is very very difficult.

Happy Thursday,

A xxxx

The votes are still being counted. In Alaska and Hawaii they’re still voting. But I am declaring my undisputed victory in the Presidential election. In fact I declared it last Wednesday. I have a lot of respect for Kamala Harris. She was the worst vice-president in the history of America. She stood at the border welcoming illegal immigrants with a glass of champagne, some pets to eat and a bunch’a cash. But the people have voted for me. For making America even more greater than I made it last time. The economy will be great. The borders will be sealed. We’ll finish the wall. Abortionists will become car washers. Go out now and buy shares in Smith & Wesson. Send your daughters out for when pussy-grabbing becomes enshrined in law.

I’ve had messages from all the world’s leaders. They all need me. They all love me. They wouldn’a called Kamala. She’s the worst person in the world. She trashed the economy here, caused the war in Ukraine, upset Putin. Macron messaged me. Suddenly he’s my best friend too. And worst of all Keith Starzer, that guy from Britain. He spends 5 years with his pals accusing me of ‘crimes against communism’ and now he wants ‘the special relationship’. We went out for dinner, he paid the bill, now he wants to screw me, like I’m a cheap date. Got news for you Kevin, I AIN’ NO CHEAP DATE!!’

I’ve won elections before, but this one was the most surprising in election history. Anywhere in the world. Because people love me. Elon loves me and he’s the richest man in America. He sees through all the fake news which the commies put out there to try and discredit me. They accuse me of crimes. Well, they’re not crimes. Or they won’t be once I’ve changed the laws.

America will be great once more. I’ll see to it. So Americans no longer struggle to put food on their tables and bullets in their guns. I’ll make sure that even poor people can get medical help. Some of them. And we’ll show how even Puerto Ricans are welcome here. In small numbers.

It may take me longer than four years to achieve everything I need to do. So I may just ‘adjust’ the presidential process to allow for that. Because all of America voted for me, love me and want me here forever. And I can’t disappoint my fellow Americans.

This is the most incredible day the world has ever known.

Your President,

Don xxxx

Rachel Reeves did her best on Wednesday to tax the living shit out of every living Englishman. (The Scots, Welsh and Irish are mainly unemployed or on benefits so don’t count for tax purposes). So why is it that when I try to buy a Mercedes AMG One, they’re all sold out? I thought I’d have more luck with a Ferrari F80, but the whole lot, all 799, are pre-sold. And yet both these cars are over 2.5 million quid. And furthermore, both are ‘simply’ their Formula One engines wrapped up in something just about street-legal.

So first and foremost there are ‘cars’. They can be quite fast, quite low, quite special, but until they become quite expensive they can’t be ‘supercars’. I suppose to be proper ‘supercar’ it needs to be pretty noisy too. No-one wants to pay 120 grand for a silent, battery-powered anything. You CAN have batteries AND electric motors and maintain your supercar status, but these MUST be to supplement a petrol engine of immense power and noise. And horses. Read the rules.

But then, for some people, having a ‘normal’ kind of Ferrari or a ‘low end’ McLaren, even a beefed up Porsche or Lamborghini, is not quite enough. Oh, its enough ‘car’ and more than enough ‘power’ but the price tag is simply not eye-watering enough to elevate it beyond ‘supercar’ status into a ‘hypercar’!!! The first of which, really, was the Bugatti Veyron. The world’s first 1000 horse-power vehicle. Basically they stuck two VW engines together with glue and spent five years inventing a clutch that didn’t burn out when you tried to leave ‘neutral’. Then we had Paganis Koenigseggs and all sorts of other ‘hypercars’, all getting up to, or just beyond, a million quid.

So what do we call a car north of two-an-a-‘alf million producing 1000+ horse-powers and pretty undrivable on anything approximating ‘a road’? We could call it simply ‘unaffordable’, even ‘stupid’, but we need… a name… we need a… Warp-speed-car!!!, we need a MEGAcar!!!! We need a car that only tax-avoiding, not-working-people with big garages who probably have a chauffeur anyway- car.

Or, you can buy one of these. A Batmobile. A real one. A ‘tumble car’, powered by a G-wagon engine, of course, why fuck about? It also costs about 2.5 mil but oh my it would be the most fun you could have just before you get arrested for driving a completely non-legal car on the road. And terrorising old ladies in Nissan Micras (which I would), scaring the local squirrel population (which I definitely would), and causing noise, as well as most other, pollution. If you want to take your wife out, you need to get her her own one, cos it only has one seat.

Happy Tuesday

A xxxx

I saw the league table this morning. And thought they were showing one from 1972. Liverpool top, Nottingham Forest 3rd, Aston Villa 5th, I mean, WTF??? These are teams mired in 1970s, sepia-coloured, historical-interest-only glory. Alright, Liverpool have had their moments, in between various Hillsboro’ inquiries, of winning a few things, and of course Manchester City are there in the mix, which they emphatically weren’t in 1970, or 1980, or any other decade until the Oil Barons took over, pumped a few bil into the club, most of it illegally, (cases pending), and thrust them to the very top in a way that only immense quantities of cash can do. Tottenham were ‘way down’, as could be the case in any and every season since 1963. Arsenal were a rather limp 4th after their drubbing at Newcastle yesterday. And City were second. After losing at Bournemouth. I wish I’d have had a tenner on that one.

But this was the table for ‘now’. And if Villa had beaten Spurs this afternoon they’d have gone up to 3rd. But, ‘alas’, they didn’t. Because Joey was there and quite frankly, the Brummies wouldn’t have dared to upset him. It gets very dangerous. And in part, Spurs played pretty well too. In fact, at times, really well. Well enough to beat a high-flying team 4-1. And Villa aren’t just high flying in the league, but they’re currently top of the whole Champions League table. Which means Spurs are currently much better than Barcelona, Bayern Munich, the lot. It’s a fact. The numbers don’t lie.

The rugby was more disappointing. Firstly that they showed it on TN-fucking-T rather than any ‘proper’ tv channel, and secondly that England had two chances, whilst losing 22-24, to kick 3 points. And missed both. I don’t hold George Ford personally responsible but let’s just say I’m not sending HIM a doughnut at Chanukah.

And so the big news for the weekend, Kemi Badenoch notwithstanding, is SPURS GO MARCHING ON!!!!

Happy Sunday

A xxxx

So it’s the week of winners and losers. We had the budget, we’ve had the Conservative Party leadership contest and then, just to make up the 3, we’ll include the rather trivial American election on Tuesday. Possibly to be repeated on Friday, depending on allegations of cheating. By both sides. In the same states. And then, after 9 months of legal action, we shall see whom ‘due democratic process’ will allow to become the next President of America!!!

The budget was a well considered plan by the government to increase ‘growth’. Though they didn’t say precisely what’s growing, they strongly implied it would be the economy. They’re not interested in the new area of lawn I seeded. Whereas what would appear to be in line for ‘growth’ once the budget kicks in are, in no particular order:

Unemployment, as small businesses, hammered by a rise in the ‘working wage’ and by the rise in NI payments, employ less people. Or just go under due to the increased burden and fold altogether.

NHS waiting lists and the care sector. By not including GP practices in the new NI exemption, many will either close or have to reduce professional staffing levels. Leaving the much-advertised ‘40,000 extra appointments a week!!!’, looking more like a 20,000 reduction. Similarly the care sector, being not officially ‘NHS’, will become unviable by the increase in NI. Leaving the old and infirm to care for each other.

And tinned foods will be an area of ‘growth’ as the change in inheritance tax for farms will result in a massive loss in our nation’s food production. Be good for Deliveroo, not so good for the NHS plans at ‘prevention’ of illnesses by good eating practice, as instead of eating potatoes, tomatoes and lettuces, we’ll have a pizza instead.

So Kemi Badenoch, the undisputed winner of the (poisoned chalice?) Tory party leadership, has a lot to work on already. With what’s left of her diminished, divided party.

Kier Starmer praised her for becoming ‘the first black woman to become the leader of a major political party’. Well shame on him. Her colour and (chosen) gender should be totally irrelevant. To even mention them is to make implications and assumptions of a particularly patronising, old-white-man type nature.

America. Oyyyyyy. The devil and the deep blue sea. Don or Kam. Hopeless or Clueless. So I’m going to be honest. I know, it’s a first. But my own hope for the new POTUS, once it’s eventually finalised, is for the most Israel-friendly candidate. Don talks the talk, but is fickle and marginally insane. Kamala has to appease a very pro-Palestinian force in her party and makes a few noises supporting the ‘right to defend itself’. So we need US help to enable the continued existence of the state of Israel. And whoever supports that is my chosen candidate. Even though I don’t get a vote over there. Nor, apparently, will my old person’s rail card work in New York. Awful.

Today’s photo is of an actual ‘Batmobile’ that you can buy. They’re making 10 of them at the bargain price of 2.3 million quid each. I only want one. It has a 6.3 litre engine, one seat and must be the best fun ever. So if you’re wondering what to get me for Christmas…

Happy Saturday

A xxxx

What’s more scary than horror!!! Than ghouls and ghosties and zombies and skeletons (even if painted on)??? When I suggested to Lila and Joey that they both dress up as Rachel Reeves, red case in hand, they agreed that the point would be well made in light of budgetary revelations. Ok, they said “who???” I wish I’d never heard of her either. But you can never un-see something. It’s like the old joke: what’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb. Ha-ha.

Growing up in the 60s Halowe’en didn’t exist. Not in my part of East London anyway. We kind’a heard about it but it was ‘an American thing’. Though the idea of getting free sweets was indeed greatly appealing. As was the idea of putting in a few windows, keying the odd car or pulling out the odd rose-bush as the ‘trick’ alternative.

Fast forward one generation and Natalie and Rachie always went trick-or-treating. Loads of kids did. It was sweet. And sweets.

Move on to the here and now and it’s a fucking epidemic. Every kid under the age of 27 now dresses up, forms a gang with others on the street and with parental involvement/guardianship, they march along threatening quivering adults to cough up something sweet and dentally corrupting or face the wrath of… of a 4 year-old girl dressed as Morticia Adams!! Where I live it actually causes traffic jams as groups of kids spill onto the road and parents insist on following them round in a Tesla. Which I think speaks volume about the average Tesla driver.

In principle I love Haloween. It makes Lila and Joey very happy, it fills the world with sweets and, best of all, it is really anti-religion, dark, sinister and pagan. Just as we should be teaching our children. Who needs a geezer wearing a cross when you can have the undead? Its the one day when you can re-live Hammer House of Horror. Because although we ‘cartoonify’ all this ‘horror’, to ‘protect the kids’, the kids actually love to hear about horror of that nature. Ok, it might give them nightmares and scar them psychologically for their entire adult lives, but love it they do. Rising from the grave, buried alive, armies of skeletons, let ’em have it. Their parents will sort out the problems.

No problems for Spurs on Wednesday as we ‘brushed aside’ Manchester City in style. Bit of luck, but style mainly. And relief. Ok,it was the League Cup, but still…

I love football again.

Happy post-Halowe’en.

A xxxx

That quaint little expression, ‘football crazy’ used to mean obsessed with the game. Lovin’ every minute. Can’t get enough. Fab. Then they invented Spurs. And it became a bit more literal. Crazy as in less ‘wild!’ and more ‘insane’. Driven to distraction. Chewing the furniture. Banging heads against walls and screaming. Not in pain. The pain’s welcome, screaming in anger and frustration. Will need medication or locking up soon.

Because there we were; buoyed by a wonderful drubbing of West Ham last weekend and further engaged after a 1-nil win over AZ Alkmaar on Thursday night. So on Sunday, as we took our seats at Selhurst Park… ok, in the lounge, who the fuck wants to go to South London, even for Spurs?, but I looked and saw that Crystal Palace were bottom three. 8 games, no wins. 3 draws, but that’s it. And then there was Spurs. The mighty Spurs. Strutting onto the pitch. Like the heroes they aspire to be. Yet have a history of not quite reaching that aspiration. You can’t win games by sense of destiny alone. You need to score goals. Like we did with seeming ease against West Ham. Even against Manchester United. Possibly contributing to Erik Ten Hag’s dismissal from Old Trafford yesterday. After his two years of proving that you can’t win games by misplaced sense of entitlement alone. Otherwise Liverpool would win everything. But never mind, Ineos wasn’t built in a day.

So back to Selhurst Park. We were shit. They were good for a team so lowly. So we lost. One of the (very many) ‘easy’ matches that we manage to lose every year. But at least we’re consistent in that and consistency is a trait worth having.

So Manchester City went top. Where, let’s face it, the only way they won’t stay there all season would be for legal reasons and points deductions. And as Rodri hobbled his way on crutches to receive his Ballon D’or on Sunday, deservedly, it must be said, I wonder if Man United’s two ‘stars’ were even in the hall. They had travel issues, so Jim Radcliffe asked if they could ‘hitch’ a ride on Man City’s plane. The request was denied. Sorry, they were told, there’s no room. Even in economy. Radcliffe offered them some air miles but still it was rejected. City are owned by Etihad. The airline. And they couldn’t find room for the United boys. Maybe they felt that United players emit a certain toxicity at the moment which might be detrimental to their team.

Arsenal and Liverpool slugged it out at the other UAE airline, The Emirates, and couldn’t find a winner. Just a moaning Arteta.

So that’s it. Nearly November and the season’s decided already. City win, Liverpool, Arsenal and Villa (not Chelsea, anyone but Chelsea) in the Champions League, and Spurs (if we’re lucky) playing in the Europa Division 3 League. I’m booking my flights now to Jutland and Macedonia.

I hate football.

Happy Tuesday

A xxxx