Andy's Glasses

We’ve had a new government in for 10 minutes now, possibly a few weeks, and I’ve not been impressed. They’ve immediately caved in to union demands. All of them. The Starmer way, then. Why ‘negotiate’ when ‘caving in totally’ is so much easier, quicker. The whole thing with unions is that it’s in their mandate to ‘try and take the fucking piss’ as much as is possible. The idea of negotiations is to try and reduce what are always frankly ridiculous demands by some form of quid pro quo in which, ok, you can have more money, BUT, we want to include weekend work, or we won’t reduce the working week to 13.5 hours. Yet no. Just ‘give ‘em what they want’. Possibly because Starmer is a weakling, but possibly because the Labour Party, and hence the government, are effectively ‘sponsored’ by the Unions. The Party’s only source of income. So rather than bite the hand that feeds it, Kier is licking that hand very softly.

Next came David Lammy’s re-funding of Hamas. Oh, sorry, refunding of UNWRA. Same difference. Our government is now supporting terrorists and paying for their training. Which is possibly why the BBC (another government entity) have elevated Hamas to the ‘Civil Defence Authority’ in recent reporting. They’ve been promoted from being ‘proscribed as a terrorist organisation by the UK government’. Rather than ever just calling them ‘jihadi motherfucking scumbag murdering vermin’. Presumably there’s a ‘scale’ at the BBC and murdering, raping and torturing just 1200 people doesn’t qualify as ‘terrorism’ any longer. Maybe the BBC will be demanding for ISIS to be accepted in the United Nations. Where, quite frankly, they’d fit in perfectly.

There’s now deep murmurings that the tax, which we were absolutely promised was ‘not going to rise under this government’, is going to rise. Under this government.

But today, the totally unforgivable. They’re going to extend Coucils authority to increase 20mph speed zones across more boroughs. I mean, why??? To slow down already ridiculously slow-moving traffic (average London journey speed: 6mph)? Oh, it’s to save children. Not the ones being ‘murdered’ in Gaza in numbers way beyond their total population of children, but different ones. British ones. (The death of any child anywhere is beyond tragic, this is just a question over the numbers and who produces them). Running out into the road all the time. Oh, those children. It is simply the worst idea EVER. Do they not consider that some cars have ‘sport mode’ or as my brother-in-law calls it: the ‘naughty switch’. It’s when it all gets ‘angry’. Louder, lower, faster, more brutal. How the fuck do you reconcile that with 20mph zones, Mr Fucking Prime Minister? It’s an abuse of my human rights.

Happy Thursday

A xxxx

The death of Mike Lynch as caused such a stir that thousands of people immediately cried out in anguish and despair: “who?”

“Oh, the geezer wot sunk on ‘is boat in Sicily”. Weren’t even a proper boat, only had a bloody sail; what use it that to anybody when you could ‘ave a pair’a really noisy 400 horse-power engines spewing out diesel fumes all round the Med?

Anyway, fucking massive boat, sporting the world’s (2nd, apparently) largest mast ever in the whole universe, got hit by a ‘water spout’, tornado thing, and sunk within 60 seconds. The mast, when hit by an amazingly strong, swirling wind, acted as a massive lever to tip the boat. Other factors then played out and under it went.

The mast was 72 metres long. That would take Usain Bolt over 6 seconds to run that far. Probably have to be lying on the ground, would take him longer to run upwards. It would take you 3 minutes to walk it. Because you dawdle. But basically, it was a big boat. 10 great big ‘suites’ for guests, all the usual superyacht paraphernalia, plus the mast. Probably cost 500 mil. (guessing, never bought a Superyacht.) and now its gone.

Mike Lynch shared my birthday!! It could so easily have been ME on that yacht!!! Except he was born in 1965 and I was born in 1956. Spookier and spookier. An anagram of my birth year!

Mike was raised in South West Essex too. But there we start to diverge. He went to Cambridge, I went to prison. He set up amazingly profitable tech companies and acted in an entrepreneurial way for all the years I was ‘workin’. Then he sold His company to Hewlett Packard. For millions and millions. Apparently a few too many millions as HP then sued him, dragging him over to America to stand trial, for ‘falsifying accounts’ to inflate the apparent value of the company.

He won. Was acquitted on all charges. There had been some fraud, but not by our Mike. Essex boys don’t do fraud. Just car-theft, drug-sales, breaking and entering and assault.

And this boat trip was with his leading legal team, his accountants and bankers as a celebration of his victory. A tragedy.

Last week, Mike’s business partner, also acquitted at the trial, died when hit by a car whilst jogging.

If I was a conspiracy theorist I’d be beside myself with glee. But I’m not. Just two tragedies. Both awful.

Happy Wednesday

A xxxx

The good news is: you can eat carbs again. Don’t hold back. No counting calories. Have the extra slice. Buy two of those. Eat the whole loaf. Toast is now king. Whereas it was… toast. Yet here in the Times this very day, they’ve given us carte blanche to binge on everything they told us last week would kill us. Would turn us into diabetic hefties with clogged up everthings and wobbling obese-ness hanging over our belts. No more; the path to a six-pack is a six-pack. (Beer’s carbs, innit?) Ok, I didn’t read the whole article because the headlines exited me so much I just wanted to share this good news before I head to Greggs.

The bad news is: Spurs played last night. Against recently re-promoted Leicester. The last match of the opening weekend of the Premier League season. Which saw inevitable wins for Arsenal and Liverpool, a stand-out away win by Brighton at Everton and the champions victorious is the battle of the money-launderers. The Chelsea Cheats hosted the Manchester Monsters and, basically, got stuffed. But it’s to be expected. You can’t spend a measly £1.2billion (yes, fucking BILLION) on new players and expect them to win games. Todd Boehly needs to up his game. No-one knows exactly how much Manchester City have spent because the accounts got mysteriously lost just before the court case for financial irregularities starts.

But then out came Spurs. My glory boys. Who have everything, except glory. But last night they strutted round the King Power stadium almost like they’re some big, top-6, rich team from London. Oh, they are. Just, sadly, usually at the wrong end of that ‘top 6’. Which used to be the ‘top 4’, but… needed to be extended.

For 45 minutes we were simply brilliant. Played with flow and flair and finesse, setting up chance after chance and… not scoring. But it was inevitable and the goal eventually came from the unlikely place of the head of the smallest guy on the pitch, a defender to boot, goal-hanging in the 6-yard box. Oh, how we all love Pedro Porro. Ok, let’s get ‘em!!!!

But we didn’t ’get ‘em’. We let them reach half time just one nil down and then had 45 minutes, plus (lots of) stoppage time to regret the misses and our failure to capitalise on all that wonderful attackingness. It was so exiting I went up for a bath. I know, that’s a particularly girly thing to do, but I’m in touch with my feminine side as much as the next right-wing rioter, so I can.

And when I came down we’d brought the kids on, changed the team around and allowed horror-of-horrors, Jamie Vardy, to score. He is 87 years old. But looks older. In what must have been a peak of despair, Ange brought on Richarlison. And I knew it was over at that point. He may have upped his tattoo game but no other.

A draw. Not the worst way to start the season. Lots of ‘positives’ in the first half domination, though Leicester were truly abysmal at that point. But not the best way either.

I remain ‘cautiously optimistic’.

As usual.

Happy Tuesday

A xxxx

What are we going to do about the Scottish Nationalists? Ok, due to various… issues, we’re now lumbered with only 9 of the fuckers in Westminster since the last election. Previously there were about 70 which is too much for anyone. If I’m honest, one SNP MP is one too many. And yesterday showed me precisely why I think that way.

John Mason (MSP) replied to a tweet from a fellow Scottish Nash. about Israel, in which the other person used the G-bomb. “Genocide!!!!” To which John Mason stated: “If Israel wanted to commit genocide there’d be 10 times as many (deaths)”. A statement perfectly true, common sense to anyone who understands the military might at Israel’s disposal, and inoffensive to anyone who is not a Scottish Nationalist.

Mason was ‘immediately!’ thrown out of the party. With the comment: “to flippantly dismiss the death of 40,000 Palestinians is completely unacceptable”.

What is completely unacceptable is splitting an infinitive!!! But literacy has always been an issue north of the border. And I must have missed the ‘dismissal’ of 40,000 deaths, which he didn’t actually mention. All he did was succinctly call into question the way many of the moronic masses, which includes, it would appear, all but one of the Scottish National Party, jump onto the ‘genocide’ bandwagon. Which had been previously reserved for fans of Hamas, crooked South African politicians and those in debt to Iran.

Odd that no ruling of genocide has happened yet, and is unlikely to, being just a cheap shot by Iran using South Africa as its proxy to score some public sympathy points. And yet the ruling seems unquestionable in the eyes of the Scots Nats. A red line that cannot be crossed. To even imply such a thing is punishable by… removal. To them, all war deaths are ‘genocide’. Don’t like to think about Braveheart. All killed by the biggest antisemite of them all, Mel Gibson.

Even more odd is that for what is indeed a very contentious issue, this Israel genocide thing, those dogmatic Scots will engage in no debate, no question, no deviation from the party line. Unless, in Alex Salmond’s case, that deviation was sexual, or in Nicola Sturgeon’s case, financial.

So just a brief word from me to the Scottish Nationalists, other than John Mason who has amazingly retained the ability to think-before-he-virtue-signals, YOU CAN ALL JUST FUCK OFF.

Glad we got that off our chests.

Happy Monday

A xxxx

I am a terrorist. Not like a suicide bomber, I’m much too important for that and would never wear anything that resembled a ‘fat suit’. And not like Joey in that he wants to destroy everything, in a considered manner. But in one way, as defined by our esteemed new governmental intentions, I am as radicalised as Jihadi John, as bad as Tommy Robinson and as guilty of that dozy old woman who was sent to jail last week for posting that ‘they should bomb that mosque with all the adults inside’.

I’m not just a man but an… extreme misogynist!!! And Yvette Cooper wants to treat us as ‘terrorists’, along with all of the above. All normal men are misogynistic because we have to defend ourselves from rampant feminism and make definitive statements about ‘who wears the stilletoes in this house!!!!’ That used to be ‘trousers’ but gender dysphoria and post-feminism changed the parameters.

And here’s the point. If you read the above paragraph with a light heart, an open mind and a smile on your face, it’s because you get the irony in every sentence. The satire which is proposing the opposing position to what you feel, to make that very point. You never realised how clever you were, did you? I certainly never thought you were.

Yet that paragraph, written by the Andrew Tate’s of this world, are not ironic. They’re inflammatory. A call to arms against women. The very thing that Yvette Cooper wants to stop.

So how is some spotty, inexperienced, post-Cambridge graduate with no life skills, armed with a 2-1 in Tudor History, and now in the civil service because of daddy’s connections to all things double-barrelled, going to tell the difference between me and the eponymous Mr Tate? You need to appreciate context, nuance, subtlety to realise that ‘he’ is a nasty, wife-beating (if he had a wife, he definitely would), almost-rapist with no respect for women whatsoever, and I truly love women in a lovely way that only sometimes results in objectification, physical abuse and shouting ‘SHOW US YER TITS, LUV!!!!!’ at passers by.

And that’s the problem. Firstly you really need to rigidly define what, exactly, ‘extreme misogyny’ is, and then you need to find a way to find it without denying the 90% of men who aren’t misogynists the right to exchange banter, say funny things to prove a point and engage in harmless free speech.

That is definitely beyond the reach of this government. And what we really don’t need is more restrictive legislation, thank you very much.

Happy Sunday

The Bitch Slapper xxxx

Who doesn’t read of the recent incursion by Ukraine into Russian land and not grin like a Spurs fan at a postmortem meeting for an Arsenal loss? I’ll tell you who’s not grinning, Vladimir Putin. Though he seems rather quite powerless to re-take control of that little extreme part of his territory currently under enemy occupation. And how that must hurt him. His pride, his megalomania, his ability to lie to his citizens that ‘there is no war’. In due course there will come ‘the retaliation’, and God help us all, but meanwhile, we can enjoy. And rejoice at the sheer chutzpah of Zelensky.

Meanwhile in Doha, there having ‘ceasefire talks’ about Gaza. The Israelis turned up but Hamas were busy this weekend with the start of the new Premier League season so cried off. When the Israelis initially refused the talks were going to happen anyway. Such is the collective stupidity and arrogance of international diplomats who feel that they can reach decisions of great importance with neither of the protagonists present. They’re ’that good’ at what they do. Whereas the reality is that even if both warring parties were in attendance, the chances of them doing Biden’s or Qatar’s bidding is pretty minimal anyway. So the show goes on.

And have you ever wondered (unless you’ve seen that super little video I watched the other day) why there is not one single bomb shelter in the whole of Palestine? There are 500 miles of tunnels, so they know how to dig, but not one place where civilians might go for safety. If, f’rinstance, you happen to live next to a highly armed nation who are always 100% war ready and you go into that nation and murder 1200 of its people. AND… you’ve planned this for years and are under no illusions as to what was the totally inevitable consequence of that attack.

But bomb shelters are what civilised countries provide for their populations at such times. Hamas choose an alternative path. Which involves the total sacrifice of any or all of ‘the civilian population’. Every woman and child killed by bombs or missiles is a win for Hamas by giving it another finger to point at Israel. So not only are there no bomb shelters, Hamas uses the terrorists version of a honey trap to increase civilian deaths. It buries its arms depots and stores under schools, hospitals, refugee centres, anywhere which will cause maximum ‘outrage’ by observers only capable of reading banner headlines and not the full text.

Similarly, everyone has now accepted that “40,000” Palestinians have died in Israeli attacks. Even though, as they always tell us, “this figure comes from Hamas”. And because the BBC would rather trust a murderous death cult intent on using the deaths of its own people to advance its political narrative, than to question this. Even though it would appear that about 50,000 of those 40,000 (???), are women and children. Whereas in fact at least 15,000 deaths are of Hamas ‘soldiers’. Or ‘terrorists’ as they would be called if they lived next door to you.

Never mind, at least the football’s back.

Happy Saturday

A xxxx

A pamphlet dropped through my door yesterday. Nice one. Thick. Good quality. Full colour, gloss pages. It was entitled ‘Light for the Last Days’ and, quite frankly, it has changed my life.

I read the prayer on the back page (posted above) and immediately felt lighter, stronger and completely liberated. Because reading this relieves you of any moral obligation whatsoever. It eliminates completely the possibility of ever committing a ‘sin’. Because Jesus has become my ‘proxy’ where all sins are concerned.

If I get a parking ticket, I’ll return it with a message to ‘send it to Jesus’ because he died to pay for my sins. And I hadn’t even committed any back then. Though I’ve been striving to make up for lost ground since 1956. If I miss the toilet in the middle of the night, I’ll just tell Mel “weren’t me!!! Jesus did it”.

This ‘movement’?, ‘organisation’?, philosophy?? is the work of a guy called Tony Pearce. Never heard of him either. Possibly Stuart’s brother, possibly not. But he’s a busy boy.

He loves Israel, the Holy Land, the Chosen People and all the good things. The Messiah bit is problematic. He disagrees with the Jewish version of how and when ‘the Messiah’ will arrive. He sees Jesus coming back, and pretty soon, to save us all again. Even though He’s saving me every day. If I sin…

The Jewish version of the Messiah is different. He’s got a longer beard, and flies business class. On his air miles. And when he arrives it will signal peace and prosperity all around the world. So I reckon we have a little wait for him looking at the total shit-storm around the globe currently.

But Tony (as I call him, now we’re ‘brothers-in-Jesus’) has seen the signs of the apocalypse, and they’re kind’a right here, right now. And that’s the time for the Jesus-Messiah to make yet another comeback (that’ll be one more than John Travolta) and save us. Tony bases it all on the Bible and the prophecies contained therein. Some of us have problems with a literal interpretation of the Bible as ‘written by God’ because there’s no WH Smiths in heaven. But if cynicism is a sin, then I’m good with that, Jesus’ll sort it for me.

I do admire Tony’s commitment. I may… question? some of his conclusions and even apply a very materialistic type reductionism to an approach which is completely spiritual and belief-based. But he’s written books and leaflets and essays and lectures, all very generously available free. And he hands out pamphlets to Godless sinners in the hope of their salvation.

Shabbat shalom, Tony,

From

The Damned xxxx

So yesterday it was Gail’s, today it’s Starbucks. The CEO has left because of Israel. Gaza. Palestine. There was a posting by ‘Starbucks staff’ basically supporting the atrocities of October 7th. Legal action was taken about using the Starbucks name on such a post. Now he’s gone. There was also trouble by the ‘workers’ about, once again, ‘anything Israel’ in investment, procurement, banking. No mention to ditch their i-phones, heart-monitors or their parents’ life-saving drugs, all developed and manufactured in Israel, but principles should always stop short of inconvenience. Especially when you’re a dickhead. The CEO is a Hindu guy, but presumably that’s close enough to being Jewish or heading a ‘Jewish organisation’, even though it isn’t, for the cancel-brigades. Who probably account for the downturn in the coffee giant’s share price in the last year.

So where can I buy my coffee from? There is a nearby place still allowed to be open amid this seismic wave of BDS-inspired ‘book-burning’ (a considered metaphor as being the most extreme and fascistic of ‘protests’, also the most stupid and destructive) because its kosher. Therefore no-one in there complains about any possible links to Israel.

Today, as Lila and Joey are away and I’m not, we went to another of the wave of trendy coffee shops and restaurants who charge ridiculously. Well, they must be good, right? At those prices?? But I didn’t buy a coffee from Ottolenghi. He’s a fucking Israeli!!!! Ok, partnered with a Palestinian, but… he’s a FUCKIN ISRAELI!!! Although I didn’t go for coffee, I go for Granola. The best granola in the world. Certainly the most expensive. But is my latest addiction and it’s cheaper than heroin, cocaine or cigarettes. And until I discovered it, I didn’t ever eat granola. But this one…

It must be healthy because Ottolenghi is famous for ‘healthy eating’. Well, salads. Lots of green stuff. So, by extension, his granola simply MUST be healthy. Even though it tastes like it’s full of sugar. Though nuts? They’re really good for you. Especially when roasted with sugar. And oats and seeds?? I’ll live to a hundred. My teeth probably won’t, but there ya go. The best thing about it? Much like ‘a puppy is not just for Christmas’, so Ottalenghi’s granola is ‘not just for breakfast’. You can eat it any time. All the time. As long as you still have an income.

Happy Coffee

A xxxx

Twenty five years ago? Maybe more, McDonalds wanted to open a store in Hampstead. The local forces of retired Colonels, twin-setted bridge players, champagne socialists and minor aristocrats with major drink problems ganged up to try to prevent such a downmarket establishment ‘ruining the tone of their high street’. And with it, presumably, the entire ‘village’. Which unfortunately had long been taken over completely by the ‘corporates’, already ‘ruining’ what I remember as a Hampstead with really cool, independent stores. So Starbucks was ok, Costa, Gap, Boots, Tescos, all fine. But Maccy-D was a step too far towards ‘downmarket’. A bit ‘oiky’ for Hampstead sensibilities. Unfortunately, you can’t fight ‘big high street’ and McD opened. Albeit with no ‘golden arches’ and a seriously toned down frontage. Oddly it was never the busiest McDonalds around and closed down a few years ago.

And now the residents of the ‘sweet’… village? Town? Suburb?? Of Walthamstow are trying to prevent Gail’s opening a store in their ‘dead cool’, ‘hip’, ‘lefty’, ‘right-on to the point of woke’, high street. It’s the ‘anti-Hampstead’. Gail’s is too corporate but, basically too middle-class, too upmarket for the scum of E17. They want their greasy spoon cafes to have the dominant market for E-Coli and none of that hi-brow, poncey designer-eating rubbish at 14 quid a croissant, when you can have a bacon sarnie for £2.95 including ketchup.

Much as McDonalds wasn’t posh enough for the genteel of ‘ampstead, so Gail’s is too posh for the scumbags of Walthamstow. Too posh and a bit too… Israeli.

Walthamstow, just last week, hosted an anti-fascist protest which amassed thousands of people in anticipation of the Nazi rioters who never arrived. Traffic jam in Billericay. And the anti-fascists held up their banners and proclamations and flags. Palestinian flags. Lots. ‘From the River to the Sea’ type stuff going on. Singing in praise of Hamas. It showed the mind-set of the average E17 dweller and their sheep-like adherence to the prevailing and moronic alignment of The Left with a bunch of Jihadi Terrorists. Who would murder the lot of them if, instead of Gaza, they were camped out digging their tunnels in neighbouring Chingford. But this bunch of infidels don’t realise that. All they do is the knee-jerk: if it is or was anything to do with Israel, then it is the enemy. They’ve already stopped Walthamstow council having any investments in companies with anything to do with anything Israel and now they’re politicising a coffee shop.

I used to quite like Walthamstow. But if you can’t get the world’s best cinnamon roll there (Gail’s, ok it is about a fiver, but sooooo worth it), then fuck the whole borough.

Happy Wednesday

A xxxx

Lila and Joey have gone on holiday. They’ve taken their mummy and daddy to Cyprus. And left me behind!! Ok, August is not really my prime ‘go on holiday’ time anyway, in fact I’ve avoided it ever since my kids left school. They’ve gone to Cyprus. Which, as long as it doesn’t catch fire, like mainland Greece, should be lovely. And we’re here working away and enduring the tube when it’s 35 degrees outside. Although I took the electric bike into town yesterday which is ‘the way to travel’ on hot days in the City. And I’ve managed to trim the journey significantly on past records. Firstly because it’s August so there is really little traffic, and secondly because I have emphatically become ‘that biker!!’, the one everyone hates. The one who goes through every red light, who goes when all the pedestrian lights are green. Because that means there’s no cars moving and I can weave my way through a few dozen irate walkers. Because I know I’m safe. They’re not. There’s fucking madmen on electric bikes screaming at them to ‘GET OUT MY FUCKING WAY!!!’ Which is why although Google Maps reckons my journey should take 47 minutes, I can do it in 35.

I’ve always felt riding a bike to be a very liberating experience. That feeling that you can go anywhere you like (range of battery may vary). I get it to a degree in a car, but on a bike it’s ten-fold. Because driving in town is a miserable experience because of all the lights, all the stopping. And on a bike, literally nothing stops you. Roads blocked? Go on the pavement. Lights are red, go anyway. Lime Bikes are a bit of an issue because they’re not quite as fast as my bike. So they get in my way. But there are ways to overcome this issue which I won’t mention here in case Mel or the girls reads this. Because they wouldn’t approve.

And then in September, we’re going away!!! The kids all get sucked back to England to start school and Europe empties other than a few foreigners knocking around. The problem is: where? We had flights booked to go to Israel and last week I cancelled them. Because of ‘recent events’ we feel that wouldn’t be the holiday we need right now. British Airways send you a nice message. “If you cancel this flight we will work out what refund you’re entitled to within 7 days. The decision is final and not subject to negotiation, appeal or change. But we’re not telling you what it is until you get it.” Long as I get my air miles back I’ll be happy.

And mid-September is getting close. Closer every day, you could say, if you like stating the totally obvious. And there’s so many options. We’re narrowing to ‘a Greek island’, but there are about 400 of those, some of which aren’t even on fire. Or we could go and invade Russia. But everyone’s doing that.

Ahhhh, first world problems…

Happy Tuesday

A xxxx