Andy's Glasses

What’s more important than cars??? Oh, of course, football. More important than anything. But it is definitely worth mentioning this car which, unlike yesterday’s, is a ‘proper’ motor. With window-winders and a gear lever and, most importantly, chrome. I love chrome. And it has never been deployed more beautifully than on a 1961 Mercedes 300SL. And again, compared to the Koenigsegg, this one is ‘only’ a million quid!!! And it looks it.

The football was a disaster. FA Cup semi-final decided by the middle toe-nail of a man from Coventry. That’s by how much he was judged to have been ‘offside’ by a VAR team with absolutely no sense of occasion, no clue about ‘doing the right thing’, too pedantic to appreciate ‘the romance of the Cup’.

Manchester United strolled into a dominant, dare-I-say ‘arrogant!!!’ 3 nil lead against lower league Coventry. As a team of their stature (for those with good memories) should. ‘Brushing them aside’. Already gearing up for the final against Man City. But then they remembered they are in fact a Ten Haag team and conceded 2 quick goals to enter ‘squeaky bum time’. Near the end of which, the now inevitable happened and Coventry, much to their credit, scored the equaliser. The crowd went mad. Certain people (no names) in their own homes went mad. There was mayhem. And then extra time began. And had almost finished, injury time at the end of extra time, and Coventry scored the winner. Everyone went wild. I was running round my lounge trying to think good things about Coventry. Then anything about Coventry. I got as far as Lady Godiva and that was it. Because…

VAR had overruled the goal. All that celebration, all that ‘giant-killing’ all that ‘serves Man United fucking right!!!’ was all for nought. An announcement was made: “yeah, sorry to all you Coventry fans and others who just like to see the mighty fall, I know you got a bit exited about scoring the most important goal of your team’s entire history, you’ve lost your voice from screaming, shed tears of joy and wonder and are already online trying to book tickets for the final, but us tossers, sitting in front of a screen 70 miles away have decided to make all that unhappen. Because we can. Never mind”.

I hate VAR. I hate VAR. I hate VAR.

Happy Monday

A xxxx

I went to a car show yesterday. I love cars. Always have. Ever since I was old enough to pick up a ‘Matchbox’ Chevrolet Impala and hit my brother on the head with it. Repeatedly. So when we received an ‘offer’ from the bank ‘inviting’ us to, not just some random car show in, like Tottenham or Neasden, but in… Chelsea!!!, I had to sit up and… act posh. The show was organised by ‘Salon Privee’, possibly the most pretentious name you can find, even in Chelsea, which is quite famous for all forms of pretension. As I had no idea what was involved; I just saw ‘free tickets’ and booked it, I looked it up. Pics of posh people in suits, glossy hair, whitened smiles, sipping pink champagne out of crystal glasses. Looking posh. I immediately went and put on a less ripped pair of Levis. That’s posh, innit? I needed to look… like a ponced up Chelsea tart in the market for a car.

The venue was the Royal Chelsea Hospital. I had visions of entering a ward to see some (posh) geezer telling a nurse “move that fucking life support unit; it might scratch the Maserati!!!” But in fact the Royal Chelsea Hospital is not a real hospital, but where they keep the Chelsea Pensioners. We saw a few but you’re not allowed to shoot them any more. Not since 1945. And the grounds are not just incredibly beautiful, but beautiful in a really posh way. And that’s where they loaded the cars.

And such cars as to be quite unbelievable. Everything for sale, obviously. And the Koenigsegg pictured here will only cost you £3mil. And it can do 330mph. That’s just 10 grand for each mile per hour!!! I asked if I could give them 20 grand and just drive it really slowly. And its good in the snow, with that scoop on the front.

They had every obscene hypercar on the market. Even though most, amazingly, have waiting lists and you can’t even get on that list without being richer than… richer than Rishi.

But they also had some ‘real’ cars there. Old ones. 1958 Bentleys (only ONE million for that), and some truly amazing old metal in perfect showroom condition which, to be honest, I’d take rather than the Paganis and Ferraris. I’ll show you some of them over the next few days just because…

We needed the toilet. So walked up to the ‘Sloane Pavillion’. A fancy tent filled with tables and posh people drinking, eating and, surely they have a toilet facility in there, even if only a really posh one. Posh people pee, don’t they? But we were met by a black-suited, ear-pieced FBI impersonator whose job was to tell the truly posh from the wannabes like me, and he pointed us to some less posh kharsis round the corner. Because you get a lot for the 50 quid you should have paid to enter, but not being able to piss with the ponces.

But what a great day. Free tube travel for old people, free entry to the show and, because I managed to not buy the 1971 AC Cobra for 400k, albeit reluctantly, it didn’t cost a penny.

Happy Sunday

A xxxx

When I was about 14 I went to Petticoat Lane market and bought a ‘ban the bomb’ necklace thing. Not a ‘necklace’ in any delicate, subtle, pretty kind of way, this was a fucking great cross, about 3 inches long, with the upper strut being a loop. Which changed it from ‘I love Jesus’ to ‘ban the bomb’. I wasn’t allowed to love Jesus because my Polish-born grandmother would have had a fit. And even at 14 years old I’d had personal ‘crisis’ moments involving thoughts of ‘virgin births’ and reincarnation. Grandma, who lived with us and was probably about 67 but seemed about 99, only had a minor fit about the necklace. Even though all the rock stars on telly had them and they looked really cool. It was just too cross-like for her to appreciate the deeply pacifist, non-religious meaning. I’m not sure which bomb I was banning but this was 1970 so mid Cold War, post-Cuban missile crisis, and all talk was nukes. Ok, let’s ban that bomb then. We were quasi-hippy wannabes so pacifism came with the long hair and loon pants, and if you didn’t like it I’ll fucking kick you in the bollocks!! Give peace a chance!!, we all cried.

At that time the world seemed like everyone had their finger on a red button marked ‘NUCLEAR BOMB!!!’ and it was just a matter of time before it all kicked off.

Fast forward to 2024 and the world is much calmer. Well, it was until Russia invaded Ukraine, Hamas attacked Israel and Bayern Munich beat Arsenal. We’d got used to the war in Yemen, become inured to atrocities in Sudan, accepted Syrian slaughter as just ‘part of life’.

And now I find myself looking back at the ban-the-bomber back then and thinking, “you tosser!!!” Because now I’m only concerned that ‘I’ have bigger bombs than the geezer next door. That I have defence systems he could only dream of, missiles capable of destruction so beautiful and accurate and complete that it almost becomes art. Mushroom clouds are the new Renaissance.

Possibly the difference in attitude could be attributed to zeitgeist. In 1970 we were still in post-war… something. Now we appear to be in pre-war… something else. Or it could be attributed to the fact that although I was probably a really arrogant little shit, I actually really ‘knew’, about two thirds of fuck all. And naivety can get you a long way, particularly when propelled by the fallout from the bomb you didn’t believe would ever happen. Or maybe, just maybe, its because I’ve finally realised that to deal with Iran you need to be strong.

So that’s why I’ve become a ‘hawk’. (Who knew?) And Israel attacking Iran this morning is great news.

Happy Friday

A xxxx

This government is intent on taking away our freedoms. We might as well be living in China during the ‘cultural revolution’, or in Russia under Stalin. Maybe Putin. And I’m not just talking about the freedom to drive dangerously fast whilst sipping cocktails either.

First they’re going to stop children from smoking. Why would they do that? Smoking might relax them, stop them being so horribly agitated and agitating all the time. I bought Joey a pack of Marlboro for his 3rd birthday and he hasn’t complained.

But now they want to stop us hitting our children. Or, in our case, grandchildren, as our kids are big enough to hit back, so should be avoided. Why would the government wish to take away one of life’s pleasures? Which is free!!! In Scotland (and Ireland) smacking kids has been illegal for ages. Which is why the smart money is selling sticks in Newcastle. So all the Scots bring their kids across the border, buy a stick and beat the shit out of them before going back home. It’s all going to end though as the new legislation will ban the beating of all children. Even English ones. A sad day.

Yet worse is yet to come. This time from the ‘gift that keeps on giving’, Angela Rayner. The tax-avoiding, election-frauding, holier-than-thou-except-for-the-ongoing-police-investigation, deputy leader of the Opposition, soon to be… Government!

The gobby northerner (no mention of gender, it might offend someone) wants to stop working pensioners from being exempt from paying National Insurance. Currently, pensioners (like MEEEE!!! FFS) stopped paying NI when we reached pension age. Because on that very day I woke up sitting in an armchair, covered by a rug, stooped over with arthritis, barely able to walk due to bad hips and dodgy knees, I was dribbling down my (very old, grey) cardigan and I’d wet myself. Amazing what a difference a day makes. Yet I was buoyed to struggle up and onto my Zimmer frame by the thought that I’d no longer be paying NI. Instead, as a pensioner, I’d become a ‘net taker’ from that system. And, viewing this from a socio-economic viewpoint; anything that gives me money and takes less away IS GOOD FOR THE NATION!!!

Yet that rancid person is intent on sucking the very blood from my veins and condemning me to poverty.

Happy Thursday, Lila & Joey day, better get a lot of slapping in today, it may be our last opportunity!!

A xxxx

Have you looked at Iran on a map? Map of the world, obviously, a map of greater Stevenage probably won’t show it. Iran is fucking massive. It is pretty much the entire north-east quadrant of the Middle East. It is 79 times larger than Israel (Alexa told me) and has a population of 90 million. 89.6 million of whom are really lovely, nice, intelligent people, totally repressed, bullied, controlled and harassed by a government they never wanted. Because it’s not a ‘government’ but an Islamist Ideological bunch of barbaric savages, sworn to the destruction of Israel. The remainder of the population are the government, the army and those employed to protect the ‘values’ of the nation. Like the ‘morality police’ who take great offence at the incorrect deployment of a headscarf, as being a deeply immoral act, whereas murdering young women somehow enhances this version of ‘morality’. Women have no rights there, men don’t have many. Unless they’re part of the ‘regime’ in which case they have total impunity. Western music has been banned there since the revolution. A once wonderfully cultured nation, heavily engaged in the arts, now wastes its time praying to the sort of God who approves of murder, death and warfare. The Ayatollah is a nob. Yet that understates his danger, not just to Israel but to world stability. He hates America, sees Israel as an American proxy, hates everything Western and his deepest wish, as for most religious leaders, is to have a nuclear bomb. But he can’t have one, despite Barak Obama’s attempts to facilitate such a thing. They have the missiles, already labelled ‘Tel Aviv’, they have everything in place, except sufficiently enriched Uranium. But being very pally with Russia and North Korea, that’s only a matter of time. There are very few people in Iran clever enough to build that bomb, mainly because Israel have been assassinating them along the way.

Meanwhile, in the absence nuke potential, they don’t have much else to bring to the party. Because they don’t fight their own wars and feel greatly empowered by sheer size and population, they haven’t built missile defences, nor do they possess any sophisticated arms capability. It is reckoned that their attack on Israel represented ‘their entire load’. It wasn’t ‘moderated’ as they stated, it was all they could do in the circumstances as they have nothing more to offer.

Unlike Israel. Which has enough for everybody. And better than everyone else’s.

I’m deeply torn between thinking, as I initially did after Saturdays night’s strike, that Israel should see that as a satisfactory ending. A failed missile attack, brilliantly defended and defeated. Leave it be. And thinking now that I want, not revenge, but a proper ‘statement’ to Iran.

And immediately, the world started to view Israel in a slightly different light from the one of the last 6 months in which all the virtue-signalling, apparently-liberal, moronic sheep collectively failed to read between the lines of the Hamas-led PR bullshit and lived only for shouting ‘genocide’ and ‘ceasefire’ without understanding the meaning of either within the current context.

Now, as ‘victims of an attack’, Israel becomes more heroic. And as the entire Arab world has rallied to Israel’s side, because Iran represents a great threat to all of them, people are actually re-thinking the whole Middle East thing. With Iran, who for years have in fact been at war with Israel via Hamas, via Hezbollah (who have 150,000 Iranian missiles) and via the Houthis. Thus Israel ‘prodded the bear’. Basically saying: ‘come on then, if ya think yer ‘ard enough. Come out and fight’. And you know what; Iran is not ‘hard enough’. Not for a war with Israel. And it knows it.

Bomb the oil refineries (sorry, Greta), and bomb the missile factories and bomb the nuclear facilities. I’m right behind you. Top Gun style.

Happy Tuesday

A xxxx

Here’s what’s happening in the Premier League. Today!!! Well, yesterday and Saturday really. Which can basically be summed up in one simple sentence. Ready? It reads: everyone fucked up, except Manchester City. Possibly Aston Villa. 2 sentences. Sue me. For every other team (maybe not the ones who won, but we’ll include them for the sake of ‘art’), this weekend was The Catastrophe. It’s almost like 19 teams lost and Manchester City won, beating them all. A kind of metaphor for the season, really. For most of the seasons since Abu Dhabi bought Manchester’s (long-way) second favourite team and turned them into world-beating, treble-winning, league-dominating superheroes (subject to 105 law suits regarding financial irregularities; they might take it all back).

The weekend’s fixtures started with my beloved Tottingham Hotspurs traveling up to St James’s Park, all the way to Newcastle upon Tyne. The shouldn’t have bothered. Its become a terrible place for my team, bad vibes, dodgy omens, evil spirits, Newcastle Brown, Lindisfarne, the ghost of Alan Shearer poisoning the environment. How are we supposed to play in that??? So we didn’t and got trounced. Don’t want to talk about it.

Because there was too much excitement happening on Sunday!!! With Manchester City (see above, horrible, rancid, money-laundering, etc) thrashing lowly Luton on Saturday, yesterday was the day that both Liverpool and Arsenal needed to win to keep the title race nail-bitingly tight and a proper three-horse-race. Alas, those two horses both fell at the first and had to be put down.

Both Liverpool and Arsenal had home games. Ok, every match is tricky, but playing Crystal Palace at Anfield is not a game worth even betting on, the odds on a Liverpool win being so short. Whereas putting money on Palace would have earned you a few bob, as it transpired. The people of Liverpool are (once again) demanding a public inquiry. Quite rightly so.

So it was all to play for at the Emirates in the late kick-off. Arsenal, who needed to win to go back to the top by one point, playing Aston Villa, who are Spurs main contenders for the vital ‘4th place’ for a Champions League entry next season. So who did I wish to lose it? Villa, to further my (often hapless) team’s chances? Or Arsenal? Because the thought of them winning the league and the ensuing lectures on ‘the art and beauty of football as exemplified by the best team in the land’ by the Arsenal faithful for then next decade, is just too much incitement to murder.

Anyway, its football, not a fucking democracy. You don’t get to vote who wins, it just happens. And it happened that Villa won, quite brilliantly as it turned out. Condemning the Arse to second place, 2 points behind City. Only 2 points, yes, but its the ‘behind City’ which kills you.

So is that ‘it’ now? Do we just crown Rhodri and Sheikh Mansoor tomorrow? Oh, there’s 6 more games to play! Who knew?

Happy Monday, for some.

A xxxx

Well I’ve managed to avoid the Middle East for weeks now, despite internalising it every day. So now, in light of ‘Death Wish 7: The Revenge of the Ayatollah’ last night, I think we need to see exactly how the situation has changed and, more importantly, how ‘we’ move forward from this.

So Isreal killed two heads of the IRGC in Damascus. A brilliant, targeted strike which killed two men in a building. Now why would Israel do that, when they’re already at war with Hamas in Gaza and fighting, to a lesser degree, Hezbollah in the north, with rockets flying in every single day (the things they don’t bother mentioning on the news) from bases in both Lebanon and Syria? Why would Israel ‘poke the bear’ in such an inflammatory manner? Because it sends a message to Iran. And that message reads: “you cowardly bunch of shitheads go around sponsoring wars all over the Middle East to advance your evil intentions against not only Israel but against the Sunni branch of Islam too. Which you do with impunity because it’s not ‘you’ doing it but various proxy groups. Well here we are, little old Israel, showing you that we’re not fucking scared. You want to pick on us ‘by proxy’, we’ll out-proxy you by showing you you have nowhere to hide.”

Iran does not want a war with Israel. And yet cannot let the message go unanswered for fear of looking like the rats they are. So they sent in 300 ‘drones and missiles’. On a time-table which gave everyone time to prepare and stand in readiness. Not only Israel but unsurprisingly given Biden’s recent rhetoric, Americans sent their planes too. A little more surprisingly, Rishi sent some of our boys over in Spitfires and Hurricanes, and then totally fucking staggeringly surprising, Jordan sent its air force to help too. And between them, over 90% of the attack was neutralised.

The Jordan issue is massive. It shows the level of hatred which most Muslim countries have for Iran. And if Iran maintains that ‘it’s doing this for Palestinians’, as it does, then how does Jordan entering the affray against Iran pan out in the wider context of the current war? How about Egypt and its constant refusal to offer help to bordering Gaza?

Unfortunately, it is ALL about Iran. They started this mess, orchestrating the October 7th attack to stop the ongoing accord between Israel and Saudi Arabia, Iran’s biggest enemy of all (and there are sooooo many). Thus, Israel standing up to Iran, giving them a big ‘fuck you!!’ message, is standing up for the whole world who hates Iran. Which is pretty much all of it except Syria. And probably Russia.

Israel does not need to retaliate against last night’s retaliation. Iran basically humiliated itself by spending a week burning Star of David flags (why do they have so many in Iran? Just for burning purposes?) and swearing ‘DEATH TO ALL JEWS!!!!, to then just send in a few paper aeroplanes filled with fireworks. Whether Netenyahu can see this perspective remains to be seen. Israel’s job now is to finish off Hamas. And keep Hezbollah out of harm’s way. That will be the greatest insult to Iran anyway.

Happy warring Sunday

A xxxx

Honestly, that Angela Rayner…

Now I’m not going to even try to explain the nature of her (alleged) crime(s), but its along the lines of having two homes, one of which she kept her name to but lived in the other, with her husband, and where her children were ‘registered’ but she was on the voting list at the other address and claimed to live in both. Seperately. Or possibly together. Sleep for 3 hours in one, then at 4am walk down the road for the rest of the night. Who fucking knows what went on? It was in Manchester too, so who fucking cares? What happens in Manchester stays in Manchester, as far as I’m concerned.

Unless it breaks the law. Ooooohhh!!!

So now the police are involved. Which is a bit of a game changer for the opposition party’s greatest advocate for ‘honesty’, ‘openness’, transparency’ and ‘more honesty’.

She also sold her house. Which she bought from the council at a 25% discount. And she’d forfeit all or part of that discount if she sold the house within 5 years. She didn’t have to live in it, but claims she did. Sometimes.

Thus the police are now involved, at the behest of the Conservatives, obviously, to see if any ‘shenanigans’ were going on. The police don’t prosecute you for hypocrisy, but if they did, this could be her ‘Carlsberg moment’.

Meanwhile, I’m eagerly awaiting the delivery of the new wooden flooring for one of our rooms in Conway Palace. Not a big room, so not a lot of wood. They emailed me to say “it’s coming Thursday!!!”, as ordered. Alas, the ‘driver got sick’. So “we’ll bring it Friday between 10 and 2.00”. But either the driver had to go to hospital or the van broke down or possibly the road was closed for white vans, but it didn’t arrive. So it’s coming today!! No, really!! They promised. Between 12.00 and 2.00. And I have absolutely no doubts or reasons to not believe it’ll be here. I have absolute faith both in the delivery companies and in the morons employed by them who I fear have eaten my wood. Surely they wouldn’t fail three times!! That’s unthinkable. The idea of a concrete floor is becoming more appealing with every excuse they give me.

Happy Saturday

A xxxx

I look forward to my monthly email from Google telling me of my ‘activity’ during the month. In fact, it’s the only email I get which I want. The rest are all from groupon who, I’m sure, are lovely people but in the interests of sanity should just FUCK OFF! A better man than me would ‘unsubscribe’ or do something technical, but really, it takes me no more than 17 minutes to delete the 274 emails I get each day.

Google Maps is a god. Because it is omnipotent and omniscient. It not only knows every single place I’ve been, it knows how I got there. Ok, I get that others might reduce the ‘godlike’ bit to ‘invasive, intrusive, unwanted, stalking, tracking, Big Brotherish’, but I get my monthly hilights and can actually re-live those fabulous moments spent in ‘Edgware’, which is odd because I avoid that place more than Covid, but may have driven past it on the A41 on the way somewhere better. Or that fabulous time in Colindale buying rawl plugs. That lunch at the Bells of Ousley, with a proper Harvester salad bar. It’s my monthly walk down memory lane.

Last month I drove 472 miles. It was a ‘big’ month for me. I had to drive to Chelmsford twice for the new car, and I went to Windsor to see the boatman. Both of which involved motorways and, generally, faster roads. Yet those 472 miles took me 29 hours. I’ll never get them back. That averages to about 16mph. Including the ‘fast bits’. Thus, I can deduce that it is quicker to walk round London than drive. As long as you can walk at about 12mph which of course you can’t. But 16mph?? That’s awful. Yet according to Sadiq Kahn and a bunch of pedestrian protectionists, stop oilers (even for Electric cars), Labour councillors, Vegans, pedophiles, Hamas supporters and Arsenal fans, the traffic needs to be slowed down. On the odd occasions you move at 24 mph, you now have to slow down to 20. Well, you don’t have to, you can keep driving at the ridiculously dangerous and highly emitting, deathly speed of 26 and get flashed 3 times on the same day and get a driving ban. Like my mate Jon did. But it can happen to bright people too.

The government have realised that there are one or two voters who actually drive cars. And thus are acting to prevent tossers like Sadiq Kahn implementing blanket 20mph limits across entire boroughs.

And in a few weeks get to vote for a new mayor. As a stalwart ‘Anyone but Kahn’ devotee, I’m still trying to find a candidate worth the 3 minute walk to the polling station for. It’s just like the American presidential election: how do you find the most ridiculously inappropriate and useless people out of massive populations, to stand for important jobs?

I’m going to stand next time. Then London can become a complete ‘no speed limits’ area and we can finally approach the Mad Maxian dystopia I’ve always craved.

Happy Thursday

A xxxx

We need to discuss Angela Rayner. It’s not my favourite subject, by a long way, but it needs to be done. Because Angela Rayner stole 1500 quid from me. Ok, from ‘us’. She avoided capital gains tax in precisely that amount when selling a ‘home’ which may or may not have been her first or only home and if not, she’s robbing the poor, working people of this faahn coontreh (her words) of money needed for hospitals, schools, care for the elderly and a new tyre on an ambulance.

Normally, if anyone ‘avoided’ payments to HMRC by almost-legal, slightly-dodgy little ploys, I’d be burning with admiration. But Ms Rayner is the deputy leader of the Labour Party. Furthermore, she’s always banging on about everyone else’s dodgy dealings and financial benefitting and sleaze and how that will all end when Labour are in government. And therefore must hold herself to higher standards. Otherwise you become that political pariah: a fucking hypocrite.

The whole issue began because of a book by (Lord) Michael Ashcroft, the former deputy chairman of the Conservative Party and one of its biggest donors. Even though (for tax purposes) he doesn’t live here. He likes it in Belize. Better climate. Financial climate, that is. So he is, in fact, most ideally placed to point out instances of tax avoidance as he is an absolute master of the art.

Yet on the radio the other day (the real radio, not a ‘podcast’) they were trying to say that Ange is unpopular because she’s a woman and northern to boot. And many would like to boot her. And as someone married to a northern woman, who still cannot say ‘bath’ or ‘glasses’ with a suitably long ‘a’, despite the beatings, I think it is terrible to accuse everyone who hates Angela Rayner of mysoginistic northernism. It is limiting. When there are so many other reasons to hate her. And although I don’t think I was precisely who Neil Young had in mind when he wrote ‘Southern Man’, that’s what I am. Why must these people take a specific example of a rather obnoxious person and try to use it as just an example of a more generalised problem of mysoginy or Nothernphobia? Although you are well within your rights to hate anyone who pulls the stock phrase ‘nothing to see here’ because they can’t manage ‘FUCK OFF!’

What needs to happen is that we need ‘transparency’ and ‘openness’ and all those other nauseating things which Labour insist upon, and we need to examine Angela Rayner’s house sale from a properly informed perspective. I’m already examining it from the perspective of a highly cultured, politically engaged wide-boy. And I don’t like it one bit.

Happy Wednesday

A xxxx