Andy's Glasses

The funny thing is; when I read rubbish about the benefits of eating less, or consuming more green shit, or taking meat out of a diet and replacing it with kale and beansprouts, or the benefits of yoga, or that supporting Arsenal makes you alluring to women, I immediately become a cynic-of-convenience. I don’t want that to be true and even if it is I don’t care because it doesn’t suit what I do. Its a protective mechanism designed to protect my theoretically suicidal (if you believe the theory) lifestyle involving Cadburys and kebabs.

But when I read something that agrees perfectly with my life, then I believe it, don’t question the statistics, nor the maths, nor the logic, I’m just ‘on board’ with it totally. And you can’t get a better headline than this one. If you happen to be a total devotee, practitioner and evangelist of the practice of Tai Chi.

It explains so much. To save you buying a copy of yesterday’s Times, I’ll give you the salient details. Do tai chi and you’ll live forever. Its guaranteed when you join. Not only that but you’ll retain youth, vitality and good health forever. And your penis will grow. No question about that. You’ll become more beautiful. More clever. More… wonderful, than all those losers and tossers who do yoga, pilates, play golf, go fishing or waste hours of their life at Chelsea football club. I mean; just look at me!!! I’m 67, look… 65.5, possibly even 61!!!!, I’m fit, gorgeous and brilliant. And still act, in my wife’s words, ‘like a fucking juvenile’. Well they’re young, ain’t they??? Ever see any dead Chinese lying around? Exactly.

Its a bit of a puzzle why all the people in my club are so old, fat, ugly and stupid, but we’re all affected in different ways. This isn’t about them, its about MEEEEEE!!!

The article said that tai chi is more beneficial than any and everything else. But what people don’t get is that to ‘do’ the tai chi; that lovely flowing sequence of moves which are almost like a dance, you really need to understand what all the component moves actually mean. You can’t do ‘the form’, as we call it, without breaking it down into its constituents. Most of which are violent, brutal and possibly life-threatening. Yet once you understand that move, you then do it properly whilst doing your tai chi. Which is when it becomes more beneficial because you’ll strive to move your body more, stretching it more, flexing, twisting, bending, lining up arms and legs, to the point where its slightly uncomfortable. No strain, no gain.

So join a tai chi class now! You’ll live forever, whilst learning how to kill others so they don’t. And it’s supposed to improve your mind too. Heaven knows, that would hurt you either.

Happy qui gong Sunday,

A xxxx

We need to talk about the Michaela Community School in Brent. Wembley. Scene of numerous glory days for Spurs, just not very recently. It’s a wonderful school. Set up by a quite amazing woman, dubbed ‘the strictest headteacher in the country’, Katherine Barbalsingh. It’s a standard community comprehensive, standard demographic of about 25% of kids receiving free meals. About 50% of the kids are Muslim, a reflection of the area.

What’s not ‘standard’ is what this amazing woman has produced. A school of truly outstanding quality and results. From nothing to one of the top state schools in the country in a very short time. But her goals are as much driven by the ‘community’ aspect of the school’s name as for the educational excellence she’s achieved. She strives to de-factionalise the kids. Not let them split into ‘the Muslims’, ‘the Christians’, ‘the Jehovah’s Witnesses’, but tries to keep them fully integrated. There are no ‘prayer rooms’, no chapels, no meeting rooms or doors to knock on for the Jehova’s Witnesses.

Then a girl decided she wanted to pray in her lunch hour. So, as prayer mats aren’t allowed at school, she used her blazer and prayed. The next day 2 others joined her and within a week there were over 30 falling to their knees on their blazers every lunchtime. Peer pressure. Which then had the effect of ‘inspiring’ others to start wearing headscarves when previously they hadn’t.

Then came the demand for prayer mats, which were denied. The Islamofascists predictably cried ‘Islamophobia!!!’, sent death threats, made bomb scares, attacked teachers. And then, the student, named ‘TTT’ decided to take legal action against the school for… yes, Islamophobia and various other issues, discrimination, blah, blah, blah. And for this, she managed to get legal aid. We’re paying.

I think the court’s decision is a veritably simple one. This is what the judge should say:

“JUST FUCK OFF!
That’s the school, with all its good and its rules, the school you joined, implicitly agreeing to abide by their rules. Therefore to demand changes to those rules, to wish to remodel the entire school because of your burning need to pray is beyond unreasonable. This is not a Madrasa. It’s a comprehensive in Wembley. If it doesn’t suit your needs, go to another school which can accommodate you happily within ITS rules. There are plenty. Though most, unlike your present school, would be less accommodating to the educational and sporting needs of ‘mere’ girls.”

Simple.

This whole thing even makes the Jehovah’s Witnesses seem normal.

Happy Saturday

A xxxx

There are some expressions I really hate. ‘At da end’a’da day’ being top of the list. Followed by ‘24/7’; ‘oh yeah, hundred percent’, and ‘less is more’. Because less isn’t more. It’s… errrr… less.

My current hobbies are: tennis, tai chi, reading, terrorising my grandchildren, being really annoying and gluttony. Gluttony, the defining reason why less is not more, it’s FUCKING LESSSSSSSS!

In a study in 21 pubs and restaurants, they found, unsurprisingly really, that if they reduce the size of wine glasses, people drank 7.6 percent less wine. How that helps, I’m not sure. Certainly doesn’t help the pubs much, who are 7.6% down on wine sales. Wouldn’t make much difference to me either as I tend to drink wine out of the bottle to save time and washing up. But it keeps statisticians employed and provides subjects for PhD theses in Nutrition. Its value to society? I would estimate at… nil. Nothing. Nada. Its basically saying: if you drink less its better for you. Similar to: if you eat less you’ll probably lose weight.

Not interested in either. ‘Enough is as good as a feast’ is rubbish. A feast is as good as a feast, with enough coming in at a poor third after ‘is that all???’

We’ve tried reducing food portion size but there were sooooooo many complaints (all from a ‘Mr A Conway’) that (ab)normal sizes were returned by popular demand. Same as booze. No point stopping at ‘enough’. No point stopping at all. Worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.

If they really wanted people to lose weight they’d ban ‘buffets’ altogether. Especially in India, and breakfasts anywhere.

Next week; the healthy approach to ‘snacks’. (spoiler: there isn’t one. Not that I know of or am even prepared to listen to.)

Happy Friday

Your health guru
xxxx

This is the greatest catastrophe since William of Orange got stuck in France for 14 years. Whilst Bonny Prince Ethelred was dying from terminal sword wounds in Buckinghamshire after a Millwall match. Possibly since Henry 2nd was struck by an HGV on a mud path near Luton on what would, just a few hundred years later, become the M1.

We are short of royals. There’s only a few to go round at the best of times, but now, Charles is off for ‘prostate issues’ (more than enough information on that subject) and Kate is banged up in the Edward VIIth following an ‘abdominal operation’ of non-specific, eyes-only, top secret, need-to-know variety, leaving us to speculate wildly as to what it might be? Having a gastric band fitted? Possibly. Maybe the ‘abdominal’ is just a decoy and she’ll come out in 3 weeks looking just like Kim Kardashian, or Brad Pitt, maybe Ellis Genge, and then we’ll know.

But meanwhile, what the fuck do we do if need a royal in a hurry?? There’s only Camilla, and she’s not that royal really, or Wills, but he’ll be doing the dutiful husband bit and looking after the kids. Even though they’re all at boarding school, he has 17 nannies and a staff of 622. Harry’s gone… FOREVER!!!, Anne’s a bit old. Andrew… well, that ain’t gonna happen unless you’re looking for someone to perform the opening of a new brothel in Esher. Specialising in imported disabled children, illegally trafficked from the Far East. Suppose there’s Edward? Ok, maybe not.

Great Britain could be at risk of attack!!! We have no King to lead us in battle if the Houthis come here for an away match. We have no Kate to remind us that not everyone with the surname ‘Windsor’ looks like a failed experiment in genetic inbreeding manipulation. Who will shake lots of hands in crowds? Wave from very slow moving vehicles? Jesus, we are a nation exposed!!!!, without our royals.

The nearest available are Mike Tindall or me!!! I’m sitting by the phone.

Happy Thursday

A xxxx

How was your Tuesday? Probably better than Rishi Sunak’s. Unless you’re a West Ham fan, obviously. Because yesterday they took the pre-vote vote on the Rwanda bill. Again??? Yes, again. We’ve got loads of horrible forriners fresh of their highly sinkable boats, just waiting for a one-way ticket to… well, kind of ‘oblivion’. There’s a queue half way round Heathrow as we speak, ok, that’s nothing unusual in itself, but this is people under guard. Chained to the Duty Free. Shackled to the Oyster Bar. Because they can’t be deported until we sort out the whole Rwanda thing. And this is the third time its come before ‘the House’. The proper vote is today. Yesterday’s was just to approve the wording of the plan. And for others to seek an amendment to it before it passes parliament.

60 people from the government voted against Rishi’s plan and 3 of them resigned in protest.

Not because they’re lovely people who think a few poor asylum seekers who’ve been tortured and persecuted in their own countries then crossed half the world on foot and by very precarious boats to arrive here, should be given a break of some kind. But because they think the wording of the policy is not strong enough. It gives refugees the right of appeal. Keeps them here when we want them gone. Make the wording tight and infallible so the courts won’t rule it illegal or unworkable, like the previous 2 times.

From my perspective, its all just a bit ‘random’, a bit ‘desperate’. You can’t send refugees ‘home’ if they’ve been victimised in some way so send them to (close eyes, spin a globe of the world, stick a finger on it to stop it…) to Rwanda!!! Lets just bung that semi-trustworthy, possibly human-rights-abusing, questionably corrupt, previously torturing nation a few hundred million and see if we pass a law to dump our unwanteds there. Oh, sorry, see if we can ‘stop this horrible trade in human trafficking’, what was I thinking?

They vote today. And if they don’t amend the bill, we’ll probably be voting again next month, possibly the one after as well, depending on when the general election is called.

This is precisely why we NEED football.

Happy wednesday

A xxxx

So we’re out to ‘de-escalate’ the potential troubles in the Red Sea. By bombing the shit out of a bunch of terrorists, armed to the teeth, who care about nothing but their hatred for us and, well, about escalating issues of violence and war.

So how did that work out, David Cameron? The ‘de-escalation’ business? Oh. They fired a missile at a ship yesterday. In the Red Sea. Oh. And they’re after our blood. Ok.

The thing is; we’re right to attack the motherfuckers where it hurts them. Can’t cower. Mustn’t yield. They are affecting 15% of the entire trade of the whole world. Causing delays. Increasing costs. And endangering the lives of all those involved in shipping through the area. Including our seamen. This is like the diametric opposite of Pirates of Penzance.

So Houthis beware! Though in reality they’re probably loving it. And their rockets come from Iran in an ‘all you can eat’ package. And ours come from Rockets-are-us at about a million quid each. But there ya go; the cost of defending the world. And doing the right thing.

Meanwhile, back here, the government has finally proscribed Hizb al Tehrir as a terrorist organisation. Really? What about freedom of speech? What about human rights?? Aren’t fundamentalist, Jihadi, hate-mongering, radicalising, death-supporting terrorists entitled such consideration??? Just because their agenda is to convert the entire world into a Sharia-controlled fun-house which would make the Taleban seem like Boyzone, and kill non-believers and anyone else they don’t really like; is that a reason to ban them? Other than their admiration and support for Hamas slaughter on October 7th and calling for holy war in the middle of Charing Cross.

So well done the Home Office for following the example of Germany, Russia, China and every Arab country except Lebanon and a couple of others. Hmmmm, too nasty for Russia… too nasty for China… yet takes us 5 years to declare them unfit for British streets…

Never mind, better late than never.

Happy Tuesday-at-war

A xxxx

I went to the rally yesterday in Trafalgar Square, ever conscious that at 4.30 Spurs were kicking off at Manchester United and would probably be more in need of my support than Israel is.

And how apt. How appropriate. How sychronistic. That Gary Lineker has chosen to unilaterally align my two pet obsessions of the moment; football and Israel. You wouldn’t get that ‘in the old days’.

Because way-back-when, Match of the Day was a football program. Its presenters were footballers, ex-footballers, football writers, football pundits or football obsessives. Or any 3 of those things combined. They didn’t venture into the realms of rationing, power cuts, Harold Wilson’s government, Ted Heath’s sexuality, the war in Vietnam, the war in the Falklands, the war in Serbia. They never tweeted anything. To them ‘X’ was a letter in the alphabet or a kiss.

But today, thanks to Gary Lineker, I can segue directly from defending Israel against the entire world in the frozen wastes of Nelson’s Column, to watching my favourite sport, without dropping the baton.

Because Gary Lineker, not only does he present the most fab football program in the entire world, but now, he gives us his valuable insight into the whole, Israel, Gaza, Palestine, antisemitism too!! He’s just brilliant!! Possibly the most brilliant man to advertise Walker’s Crisps! Because he really is so clever.

Well, he must be, as the BBC’s top earning ‘talent’. Mustn’t he? He’s taught me so much of his valuable wisdom.

He’s taught me that to score proper goals you never need to be outside the penalty area. And that being captain of England is a great thing. Also, that all jews are bastards, all Israelis war-mongering genocidal… Jews!!, and that if we boycott that horrible nation that’ll make everything better. Because we always sanction every country, anywhere, who’s actions are called into question… as long as its Israel. The rest we don’t bother with because, they’re not Israeli, not full of Jews, so we don’t care. We only care about the boat people, we care about hating the government and we really care about appearing to be really right-on, woke, super-cool, hard-left and full of misplaced compassion for everyone that everyone else seems to blindly care about when they have no idea what’s going on.

Gary Lineker is ‘taking the piss’ out of his employers. Pushing the limits. Challenging to sack him, after they’ve warned him, suspended him, threatened him. Yet for some reason he feels invincible. He needs to be shown. That being a habitual tosser is one thing, but to offend ME is completely different.

Time to rid ourselves of the hateful, ignorant, grinning creep, whose outrageous salary WE pay.

Happy Monday

A xxxx

I just have three words to describe how the football season changed totally yesterday. How blurred lines and hopeful aspirations have now completely clarified and plummeted to zero. How the dreams of the wannabes were put to the sword in 24 minutes of domination and demonstration of future intent.

Kevin. De. Bruyne.

The Belgian returned from a 5 month injury to single-handedly turn the game around at Newcastle. The quiet man who you’d expect to find standing in the corner at a party, alone and sipping sparkling water (no ice), abandons his natural Clark Kent persona as he walks onto the pitch. And much as I hate his club with a passion, to watch him play is to watch a true master. I think he inherited Beckenbauer’s soul. Well, someone had to.

And now I’m off to Trafalgar Square. To March ‘for Israel’. Everyone’s favourite nation. I’m not sure what the stated intention is for today but I know what the outcome will be. That the 20,000, possibly 30,000 or more who gather there will feel their passions for supporting Israel bolstered, whilst everyone who doesn’t go will continue to hate it with renewed passion. We’ll convince ourselves that ‘we’ are right, morally, politically and in every way, and no-one who thinks otherwise will in any way be moved towards our stance. We’re really good at that. But heh, if we don’t think that, then who will?

As yesterday’s ’march against Israel’ ended up the predictable shit-show of Israel hate and blatant anti-semitism, with flags supporting Hamas all over the place, with nice, ‘liberal’ lefties from the Cricklewood Vegans showing their support for the group who murdered, tortured and raped 1400 people on October 7th.

Meanwhile, in the UN Court of Worthlessness and Impotence over in The Hague, South Africa, after a clandestine but fully reported meeting with Hamas leaders in December, have brought charges of ‘genocide’ against Israel. If this is upheld by the court, they will make ‘demands’!!! Like they did 2 years ago against Russian air strikes in Ukraine.
But genocide? The irony is not lost that genocide is precisely what Hamas states as intention on page 1 of its ‘Tips for better terrorism’ handbook.

So I will march. Someone has to. There were 100,000 marching yesterday for a ‘Palestine’ they neither know nor understand. But it’s the 20,000 dead we all bemoan. Just odd that no-one has marched about the 100,000 dead in Syria, nor 150,000 in Yemen. I don’t know the numbers for Sudan but it’s bad, horrible and tragic. Yet at the first civilian casualty caused by Israel, the UN, the ‘liberal left’ and the entire fucking world is up in arms.

And I shall stay there, in the cold, supporting Israel, until it’s time to get home for the second half of the Spurs-Manchester United game. That’s commitment.

Happy Sunday

A xxxx

I’m at war. I declared it on Thursday night and I’ve already bombed the shit out of half of Yemen. Even though I’m not at war with Yemen, but with the Houthis. Who? Hou??? Houthis. That band of warrior fighter/religious zealotish, rebel-type dudes from Northern Yemen. They look a bit like the Taliban, same dentists, I think, but it’s all a bit samey out there among the different groups of goat-shaggers in the all the different mountain ranges, different countries, just the same guns.

But the Taliban they ain’t. Because Houthis are Shia Muslims. And in any Sunni majority country, the Shias are second class citizens. Whereas in Shia nations, the Sunnis get treated like shit. Its a big divide in the Muslim world and growing all the time as the two massive ‘power houses’, (Sunni) Saudi Arabia and (Shia) Iran pull further and further apart and get closer to warring themselves. Rather than setting up proxy wars all over the place, like in Yemen.

Sunni and Shia are different interpretations of the Quran. A ‘minor detail’. But if ‘God is in the details’, when those details are actually about God, it tends to get a bit heated. Protestants and Catholics generally get along ok, but it wasn’t always the case. The Spanish Inquisition may not have been Catholicism’s greatest moment but it demonstrates how religious passions turn to virtual fucking insanity, in which torture and death are perfectly ok in God’s eyes to further His cause. Really? What kind’a God would that be, then?

Jews have this too. THIS is the correct way to pray; anything else is just NOT JEWISH. You want women rabbis; call yourself something else. You want to contemporise the rules, become some third rate offshoot with a different name. ‘Progressive’ or ‘Reform’ or ‘Jews for Jesus’, but we disown you. Jews just do it without violence. We don’t do pain very well.

But Muslims take things further. You can’t have a simple religious debate without beheadings. God wouldn’t approve. He demands blood. Again: really?

Iran will fund any Shia movement. Particularly those who stand against Israel. Hence all the rockets fired every day (as Hamas’s part of the ‘ceasefire’) from Gaza. And Hezbollah’s massive cache of weaponry and rockets. The Houthis can’t afford belts and tie their trousers with string, but they have guns, artillery, rockets, helicopters, all bearing ‘made in Iran’ logos.

And the Houthis, allegedly ‘in support of the Palestinians in Gaza’, have been attacking shipping the Red Sea. ‘To stop goods going to Israel’. Whereas in fact they’ve been engaged in mass piracy of shipping which has nothing to do with Israel. And in doing so have frightened freight ships out of the Red Sea altogether, forcing them to circumnavigate the whole of Africa to avoid the Suez Canal.

So that’s why I’m at war with them. Because they attacked ‘my’ ships.

And before the inevitable rabble of ‘ceasefire-mavens’ start saying how we should all ‘be sitting round a table, negotiating’, just a small point. YOU CAN’T NEGOTIATE WITH EXTREMISTS. Not the Houthis, not Hamas, not ISIS, not the Spanish Inquisition.

I tend to judge any group or race by the quality of its comedy clubs. That may not be scientific but it’s my measure of civilisation. And, without visiting northern Yemen to get proper evidence, I’m gonna guess the Houthis fall way short.

Happy Saturday

A xxxx

I’ve been away. Came back to a variety of FA cup stuff which was all well and good until we got drawn against Manchester City in the next round. And no-one wants that. Least of all me. But while away, they chose not to suspend the league in my absence but played it anyway! So I could, from a vantage point of 5.5 hours of time later, enjoy the results. And they were enjoyable for Spurs. In the most part. We had a good little run over the Christmas log-jam and festival of ‘let’s see how many players we can injure in 10 days’. But never mind, we’ve bought Timo Werner so we’re good to go. He’s a bit like Harry Kane, but without the goals. More importantly, Arsenal had a not-very-merry Christmas. Nor Chelsea. But this weekend we play the most indifferent team of the season, Manchester United. Oooooh, that’s exciting.

Have to mention that this week two sporting superstars died. The word ‘legend’ has now been relegated to ‘anyone who buys you a beer in the pub’, as in ‘cheers, mate, yer a legend’. But there was a time when it was used, although metaphorically, far less so than it is now. And both Franz Beckenbauer and JPR Williams were true, total, legends of their games. In some ways redefining the way their games would be played forever after.

Franz Beckenbauer can best be described in one word. Class. Because he ‘saw’ the game so completely, he was wasted as a striker, waiting for the ball. Even as an attacking midfielder his options were too limited. So he invented the role of ‘sweeper’, a proto-holding-midfielder. Because from there he could see everything ahead of him and with his incredible ability with the ball at his feet, he would craft the perfect attack. He simply ran the game, whether for Bayern or for Germany.

JPR was the Welsh fullback in the greatest ever period for Welsh rugby, standing alongside Gareth Edwards, Barry John, John Dawes, Phil Bennett and all the most brilliant players the Principality ever produced. But fullbacks were limited back then. Defensive roles, field a few high balls, kick out from the back. JPR was speed, power and skill, equally adept at running through the field as putting in awesome tackles. In one match his face was stood upon. He went off, had his (doctor) father put 30 stitches in his wound, bind him up, and returned for the rest of the match. I’m not saying injury protocols are not a good addition to the game, but when footballers get stretchered off the pitch if their hair gel goes awry, there’s something heroic and noble for the likes of JPR. Who was, as they all were, strictly amateur.

As one wit put it on Twitter: Beckenbauer and JPR died today. No-one’s getting through the defence in heaven.

RIP two legends of my youth.

Happy Friday

A xxxx