Ok, we’ve got a great candidate here for a really top job. You need someone with a proven track record, oodles of charisma and no skeletons in the closet. Well, with this guy, nothing’s in the closet, he came out years ago. But he has everything we need to be Britain’s top overseas representative. A man our nation can be proud of in every respect. But first, obviously, he’ll have to be thoroughly ‘vetted’. And we here at the Foreign Office use the finest of… errrr… vets, to do it. No stone left unturned. If he’s ever even so much as passed one single joint across a room without even smoking it, never mind ‘inhaling’ or not, we’ll find it. Anything untoward, illicit, illegal, immoral (other than being a poof, if you see things that way), or just mildly ‘tainted’ and we’ll find it and that’s it.

So we have Peter Mandelson. Best friends with a convicted paedophile. Thought to have been instrumental in his ‘husband’ acquiring beneficial business loans’ from said paedophile billionaire. We haven’t found ‘membership of Al Quaeda’ yet, but its only a matter of time. And there’s also the very questionable taste in underpants.

Thus, the alleged ‘vetting process’ did indeed find lots of questionable events in Mr Mandelson’s life. So many that he’d struggle to get a job as a teaching assistant in Charlton-with-Newbottle, let alone be the UK Ambassador to Washington.

So we’ll tell the PM that Mandelson has indeed been vetted, within an inch of his life, and that ‘all checks have been completed’ and all that shit, BUT… we won’t mention that he failed miserably and got the lowest score since Fred West and Gary Glitter. We’ll just say ‘all the tests have been done’, full stop. Don’t mention the result.

Which the Prime Minister, or his team, or any of the collective squad of dickheads we loosely call ‘government’, duly accepted as gospel, even though they all knew of the Mandelson/Epstein link.

“But I didn’t know!!!!”, cried a desperate Kier Starmer. “No-one told me!!! Its all because of the civil service failures!!!”

So our hapless, hopeless, clueless Prime Minister threw under the nearest bus the head of the Foreign Office, Sir Olly Robbins. The elected ‘fall guy’. So that everyone thinks the PM didn’t do anything wrong. Or was neglectful in any way. Couldn’t possibly have known ANYTHING!!! about the whole affair.

This will restore Kier’s popularity in the polls. Give us all loads of confidence in the man.

Phew, I’m glad that’s all over now. Nothing more to see here. Let’s move on.

Can’t we?

Happy Friday

A xxxx