Andy's Glasses

I’m going to fight Anthony Joshua.

How hard can it be? He’s only ‘human’. Ok, he’s 6 foot 5inches of 110kgs of solid rock, but he’s human. Therefore I can beat him at boxing. Usyk beat him and he’s just a Ukranian thug. So I reckon I could do that too. And here’s why I’m qualified.

I was Disney child star, FFS. You can’t get any ‘arder than that. Then I became a TikTok in-flu-ence-errr, with a hundred million followers. They’ve watched me get a hundred and nine meaningless tattoos, numerous dodgy haircuts and they’ve seen my beard grow from ginger stubble to my magnificent full-hipster. All of which firstly makes me really tough, and secondly gives me the necessary experience to punch people really hard.

So I warmed up, fighting Mike Fucking Tyson!!! And beat him!! Ok, he’s 60 but Mike Fucking Tyson!!! Then I had a few bouts with basketball players and MMA guys, so I was ready. To take on a 2-time world champion boxer of incredible might and power and experience. That’s in no way ‘over-reaching’ or ‘Midas complex’ or even ‘being a total waste of space tosser in search of the sensational’. No, I can beat him. Easy.

Which is why I’m today in a hospital nursing a broken jaw. Yeah, but it was only my jaw, my pre-match analysis team reckoned on at least 63% of my bones being broken within one round, so I’m gonna count that as a ‘moral victory’. Can you put the straw back in my soup, please?

But on this day, just shy of Christmas in the ‘season of goodwill’, we need to share a thought for those brave and heroic, and not at all ‘just plain stupid’, brothers and sisters currently on hunger strike in our prisons. Well, 5 of them are ‘brothers and sisters’, the other is possibly both, maybe neither, as… it! identifies as one of those new fangled genders which are all the rage now.

Some are on the 48th day of starvation. The point which is generally recognised as ‘shit central’ for your body’s systems. Basically you start to die.

And all they want is…

Well, it doesn’t really matter what manner of moronic and ‘alternative’ demands they’ve chosen to make because one thing will never ever happen, and that’s the government giving in. Firstly, it’s a judicial issue and the government have no power to interfere in the judiciary, or we’d all be fucked and might as well live in Moscow. Secondly, if they gave in to a hunger protest, how many prisoners would be on hunger strike tomorrow?

The fact that these 6… let’s just say ‘imbeciles’ are demanding that the bunch of terrorists known as Palestine Action be un-proscribed immediately, just about says it all.

What would be cheaper; starving them to death or just shooting them?

Happy Saturday

A xxxx

Look, it’s not just Jesus who celebrates his birthday in December, 2 days ago I had my 69-and-a-half-th birthday. Thanks for your fucking cards!!! And good tidings!! Anyway, as old age rushes upon me so quickly that even I realise I might have to stop acting like an adolescent any time soon, one must concern oneself with the possibility of horrible things happening. The most horrible of which (though it’s a close call) being dementia. All the other potential horrors will kill you; dementia doesn’t. It just ‘removes you’, whilst you’re still there. So we’re all very careful and follow the guidelines, to hopefully avoid this true curse on the aged. I did know people who were quite demented when they were 16 but I think that’s different.

And reading the newspaper advice columns, as I do a bit and Mel does religiously and takes notes, this is my plan to hopefully avoid that disease.

Stay thin. Mainly because fat people can look demented even when they’re not. Exercise a lot. Do lots of puzzle games. And sleep a lot. The most consistent message you get from the quacks and charlatans writing in papers is sleep. The more the better. So when are you supposed to find the time to do all the sudoku puzzles and crosswords if you’re in bed for 16 hours a night, then going to the gym for 4 hours upon waking? There’s barely time to eat! Which you must do. And in today’s paper, yet another ‘dementia prevention advice’ piece telling us to eat cheese. High fat cheese, to be precise. And lots of it. Because a study (probably financed by the cheese marketing board) showed that eating fatty cheese makes you so many percent less likely to succumb to dementia.

Whereas in the cardiac/cholesterol department next door, they probably have a slightly different view. And we love a different view, regardless of how stupid it may be.

Like yesterday, f’rinstance. The government finally decided (it only took 65 people being shot to get them to ‘get it’) that saying ‘globalise the intifada’ is a declaration of world-wide war on Jews. So they’ve sort of ‘banned it’. And arrested someone, a Mr Dickhead from Bromsgrove, for shouting it at a rally yesterday. I’ll guess it was ironically called ‘a peace rally’, at which you shout for war and death. But one organisation (not ‘Palestine Action’, they’re banned, so probably ‘Action for Palestine’) invoked their right to ‘free speech’, and furthermore pleaded that you SHOULD be able to shout ‘globalise the intifada’ as part of a peaceful protest. Starting a war for peace. Interesting concept. But more to the point, that phrase is not so much a declaration of war as an intention to commit genocide. Yes, the ‘g’ word. This time used in the correct context and literally. Murder all Jews, is what it says.

But get ‘em quickly, before they get dementia.

Happy Thursday

A xxxx

Anthony Albanese, the Australian tosser and Prime Minister, spoke movingly on Sunday about the Bondi Beach murders. How ‘this is not just an attack on the Jewish community, but on Australian values and way of life’, kind’a thing. He didn’t really have a lot of choice, did he? 15 people get murdered out on a beach in the middle of your main, and most multi-cultured, city, you have to speak up against it. Even if they are only Jews.

So why is he a tosser? What is his crime? In the 2 years since the October 7th massacre and the ensuing war, Albanese essentially ‘joined the wrong side’. Like Kier Starmer, Emmanuel Macron and so many other ‘leaders’ (‘plonkers’, more like), he embraced the Hamas-led narrative without questioning its validity or its motives. He adopted every spurious claim from Gaza at face value and went on a spree of virtue-signalling with accusations of ‘genocide’ and ‘child-murdering’ and ‘hospital destroying’, inflaming the passions of the vast majority of the uninformed masses who generally read no further than the banner headlines. He ‘recognised a Palestinian State’, even though there is nothing to actually recognise, and ‘demanded’ a 2-state solution, accusingly at Israel, even though no Palestinian has ever agreed to or will agree to, such a prospect. And in his frenzy of appearing on the moral high-ground, he, like all the other dickheads, allowed the ‘protests’ to degenerate into Israel-hate (don’t mind that) and then to Jew-hate (mind that very much).

You’re not going to ‘globalise the intifada’ from your mansion in Double Bay, or from your knitting circle in Shropshire. And more news, ‘from the river to sea does not mean from the Yarra to the Pacific Ocean. It refers to clearing all the current occupants from the Jordan River to the Mediterranean Sea out, plus all their ‘co-religionists’ all over the world, if you follow the Hamas charter. And by doing precisely nothing as campuses all over America and Europe devolved into ‘no-go’ areas for Jewish students, as the Liberal lines easily and comfortably crossed from ‘anti-zionism’ to blatant antisemitism, this merry band of leaders dithered. They didn’t want to upset ‘free speech’, when it’s only really offensive and threatening to Jews. But they felt the growing wind of anti-Jewish sentiment growing. Enabling the Manchester synagogue attack on Yom Kippur. And then, a seemingly logical extension, to mass murder on Bondi.

So it’s all very well for Starmer, Albanese et al to stand up NOW and support their Jewish communities. Because at this precise moment, the world is unusually on the side of the Jews. But it’s simply too fucking late. They all had the power to prevent ‘the hate’ reaching critical mass. But chose to appease their left wings, to sit back and let the protests become more hateful, more inflammatory, more anti-Semitic because it was the easy option. They enabled the hate.

And here we are now. In a world where Jewish people in the main just don’t feel safe.

So fuck you Albanese, and fuck you Starmer and the rest.

Happy Tuesday

A xxxx

There are so many things that bother me about yesterday’s fucking horrific murders in Sydney that, quite frankly, I don’t know where to start. But inspired by The Sound of Music (as all my life is ruled by awful Julie Andrews movies either featuring really bad Cockney accents or ones with children running from nazis), let’s start at the very begin-ning.

Chanukah is the ‘festival of light’. In every respect it brings light and it brings joy. Best thing about it from my perspective; there’s no prayin’. Its not a ‘religious’ event, just a festival. Involving light (candles), doughnuts (doughnuts) and presents. Not sure about the relevance of presents but possibly because it falls around Christmas so whilst everyone else gets presents, that becomes a worthwhile bandwagon to jump on. And because its a non-serious, non-synagogue, non-prayin’ deal, everyone loves it.

There’s an organisation called ‘Chabad’. That’s ‘ch-‘ from the back of your throat. As in ‘challah’ bread. As in… Chanukah. They’re a really religious lot. And they are a massive, worldwide brand. They provide everything any (normally religious) Jew could want, anywhere in the world. If you’re in Burma and you need a kosher meal, there WILL be a Chabad house somewhere near. There always is. And they’ll feed you. Or let you pray. Or anything else you need. (We needed to send a replacement credit card out to the younger daughter who was travelling round south America and we didn’t have an address, obviously, but sent it to a Chabad house that she’d be near in however many days time). They are into ‘mitzvahs’. That’s, basically, good deeds. Because the Messiah won’t return until we (all of us, the entire world’s population) get our shit together and act ‘proper’!!! So they do loads of good deeds, many of which are religious in nature. So if they get some fallen atheist like me and get him to say a prayer after his dinner, that’s a ‘ker-ching’ moment for them. Another mitzvah; the Messiah’s getting nearer. Basically; they’re good people. Who set up, in every city on every continent, great big menorahs (candleholders for the 8 days) on beaches, in parks, Trafalgar Square, Bondi Beach, everywhere, to share the light with Jews, non-Jews, Zoroastrians, anyone. Every person brings them a little closer to the Messiah (don’t ‘old yer breath), and me nearer to another doughnut.

And it was into this place of goodness and light, of families and happiness, of Godly deeds and good will, that two deranged fuckwits decided to open fire with rifles. Men, women, children, anyone they could murder. Indiscriminately. Were the 16 victims Jewish? Probably, but they didn’t ask. Were they Zionists? Supporters of Netanyahu? IDF veterans? Or just a bunch of Aussies enjoying a great atmosphere by an iconic beach?

I’m devastated both for those killed and injured, but also for what this says about the state of the world at this moment. And can’t help wondering when they declared ‘open season’ on Jews.

(Not very) Happy monday

A xxxx

I love brunch. I hardly ever partook of such a meal as I’d worked out that if you combine breakfast with lunch, you’re effectively losing out on a meal. Why not have brunchinner and just eat once a day? I mean? Really?

Yet as a concept it’s a good one. Because you can eat breakfast much later and thus eat much more. Justifying it on the grounds that you ‘probably’ won’t have lunch. Probably. Possibly. Because is it early lunch? Or late breakfast? One could argue; it’s both. That’s the point. But other than my 6-weekly brunch meetings with The Legend, it’s a meal I rarely have. Work sort of precludes brunch as an option.

But on Thursday I went for brunch. It was a reunion of the Les Buffets team. It had taken us a month to get over that dinner, so we were ready. Colonic irrigation can only get you so far. Then you need food. So we went to the Angel in Highgate. Used to be a pub, now it’s… a brunchy… place/destination/venue. That also does roasts on the weekend. But nothing else, not a normal ‘restaurant’, they’re so 2024. This is a bruncharaunte.

Giles Coren reviewed it months ago and raved. Then I spoke to a few people who’d been, and they raved. And there’s only so much raving I can take. So along we went. All fully intent on getting the fullest of full-English breakfast I could get. Even though some of that is apparently unkosher. Who knew? Yet when I looked at the menu, I found that they offer kippers. And I love kippers. But only if they’re ‘real’. What my mum would call ‘a pair of kippers’. Like a pair of slippers. But fishier. None of those horrible, rock-hard, dark-red, boil-in-the-bag, filleted rubbish from Aldi, no. Real ones. Bones’n’all. Cooked to perfection. Scrambled eggs, mushrooms (which were outstanding), sourdough toast, because its trendy so they can charge you more, a pot of tea and…

It was brilliant. A real ‘brunch’. Oily fish, ffs, that’ll keep you alive f’rever. And not a smashed avocado in sight. Or I’d have walked out.

So there you are. Another week, another meal. This was never meant to be a restaurant review site but Spurs aren’t playing til tomorrow and I don’t care if Liverpool and Chelsea win or lose. And I keep thinking about kippers.

Happy Saturday

A xxxx

Europe is ‘decaying’, according to Donald Trump. And in some respects he’s right. Europe’s growth is shit compared to America’s. But the main reason for the ‘decay’ is, as he sees it, immigration. And in some respects he’s right there too.

So he’s taken up a ‘pro-Putin’ stance, or maybe, a stance of Putin appeasement, over Ukraine, welcomed the fucking tyrant back into the world of respectability that he really doesn’t deserve, as his rightful place is alongside Hitler, Stalin and Assad. But only by offering Putin precisely what he wants will ‘it end’. Anything less and the mad Russian will fight on. Why not? He’s got millions more young men forced to die for his cause.

And ‘Europe’, (all of it), is on the side of Ukraine. Because Trump lives ‘over there’, and we live near the Russian borders. So we see the re-growth of the Soviet empire as a real and tangible threat, whereas for Trump, it’s just another shot at the Nobel Peace Prize. Well worth throwing Ukraine under the bus for that.

But it puts Trump in direct opposition to Europe who, let’s face it, can’t muster a leader of any substance between the lot of them. And they’re all scared of Trump anyway because he imposes tariffs at will and is possibly the most unstable personality not currently spending his days in straight jacket. So he uses playground tactics and trash talk as his version of ‘diplomacy’. “The mayor of London is a vile, evil motherfucker” (well, that was implied). Oddly, it’s true, but rather disrespectful when coming from the President.

And the fact is, Trump hates immigrants. He’s now not even too keen on tourists either, if they’re politically divergent from his views, so he’s going to check social media of those applying for tourist visas. Which, to be honest, is no bad thing, unless you were any kind of socialist at any time of your life. Whereas in Europe, we are mired in the ways of ‘human rights’ and its associated horn-of-the-devil, political correctness. To the extent that Europe will allow 100 known terrorists in on a boat just in case there’s one person really in danger of war or persecution in their home nation.

But Trump’s defining move, which has been reported but really hasn’t attained the traction it deserves, is the blowing away (literally) of boats, normally from Nicaragua, suspected of bringing narcotics to the USA.

So these are ‘suspects’, not even proven guilty, but probably drug-runners. And America murders them all. No trial. No sentencing. Just blow them up. These are the low-hanging fruit of the drug world. Not the bosses. Not the ones making millions. Just those doing an illegal job to try and get out of poverty. At great risk. And that’s an assumption anyway. See a boat; bit of ‘intelligence’; blow it, and everyone in it, out of the water.

He’s a complicated man. That word here used as a euphemism for ‘insane’. And that who we have to deal with.

Happy Thursday

A xxxx

The government’s ‘obesity tsar’ has made a new law. And it reads thus:
“From hereon thereafter and from this day forth, women, trans-women, almost women and a few camp men shall be offered food portions of a lesser volume and weight than those given to people with testicles, people who wish they had testicles or those identifying as ‘butch’.”

Men (of all types) need more calories each day than women, its… proven. Scientifically. Innit. So this should be reflected in portion size. Go to a restaurant, order hamburgers, ‘his’ comes in as a quarter pounder, her’s, a slider. That’s fair. Though there are issues.

I like Mel getting a lot of food because then I get to eat some of it. And what if a small man, 5 foot 6, goes out for dinner with an amazon who’s 6 foot 2? Who gets the bigger meal? Who ‘needs’ more calories? And what about the pressure on food serving staff? Do they have to ‘presume’ gender?? That wouldn’t cause much bother, would it. What about me? I’m a man, but I identify as a pig. I want one-and-a-half portions. And how about ‘sharing plates’? Does someone stand by to make sure it gets shared unevenly in accordance with the fat-tzar’s rules? If I identify as ‘gender neutral’ do I have to go hungry? How about bisexuals; do they get to eat both portions?

Nice idea, Tsar, but no tsigar.

We went to Edinburgh on the weekend. Train Saturday morning for a Xmas party Saturday evening, train back Sunday morning. Long way for a party but it had to be done. We pitched up at our tube station to get down to Kings Cross and… closed. ‘Planned closures’. Really? Whose fucking plans? Not mine. Ok, we Ubered. Got there in time for our train. And for Edinburgh. What a truly fabulous city. So beautiful. Not just the castle (which we didn’t go see), nor Hollyrood (nope), but all of it. And it’s like Berlin in that most of the people speak English there. I want to go back. Maybe in the summertime.

Tonight; 8pm, Spurs vs Sparta Prague. Starring… Joey!!! He’s a ‘mascot’ at tonight’s match at the Lane. Yes, he’ll be all kitted up and walking from the tunnel holding someone’s hand onto the pitch. I’m hoping he doesn’t trip over. Or pick a fight with one of the other mascots. But I’m almost as exited as he is. The game I’m not bothered about, but Joey walking out with the team? The stuff of dreams.

Happy Tuesday

A xxxx

An amazing thing happened yesterday whilst we were up in Scotland. For just the fourth time this year, for the first time since August, Spurs won a home game. I shall have to go to Scotland more often. Obviously. My fault entirely. I should have realised that the problem was not ‘dodgy manager’, not ‘shitty players with mental health issues’, not ‘a fucking useless team so intent on total capitulation that if they’re not in the pay of far-eastern gambling syndicates they bloody should be’. But it’s me. They can’t win with me in the country. As my mate, The Legend, claimed last week, I’m a bok. But it’s not him, it’s obviously me. I’m the bok. A word to describe a superstition with meaning only in a sporting situation. A ‘curse’. A ‘bad omen’. A bok. So I made the ultimate sacrifice and crossed the border on the 10am train from Kings Cross, to ensure I’d be out of the country by kick-off time. A move which paid obvious dividends.

I’m applying to the Spurs Supporters Club for subsidy so that for the next home game I’ll be in Rio. The following one in Thailand and the rest of the home fixtures to be arranged with Secret Escapes.com.

Richarlison scored. Amazing. And Xavi Simons broke his duck and for the first time showed some of the promise we paid over 50 million quid for in the summer. Apparently played a blinder. But we won, at home, Joey was there (he’s no bok) and best of all…

Arsenal lost. Which should mean absolutely nothing to me, I have no particular allegiance to Aston Villa, other than they’re my future king’s team, but it does. Last kick of the game. That hurts.

And thus all hell breaks loose at Liverpool as their disastrous season plummets to un-previously-plummeted-depths of despair and plummetation. Mo Salah was dropped for the whole game, Leeds get a 96th minute equaliser and Mo comes out ranting against his manager. About being ‘thrown under the bus’ by Slott to explain the Red’s abysmal season. Which, disloyal as it sounds, rude and nasty as it was, horrible accusatory as it appeared; was pretty much true. ‘We’re shit’, Arne says, ‘it’s Mo’s fault. In Holland we never trust an Egyptian’. And thus the hero of all of the good things to have happened in Anfield and environs for the past decade, has been relegated to scapegoat. Will he ever walk again? Not necessarily onto that pitch, to that song one feels.

But watch out for Man City. And… Aston Villa! Could Unai Emery finally realise the potential that he’s really always had lurking under the surface?

(Very) Happy Sunday

A xxxx

I’m totally burning with pride over the Eurovision organisation. To the extent where I may be able to force myself to sit through more than half a song before grabbing the remote and screaming “NO MOOOOORRE”, then switching to the qualifying laps of the F1. Which interests me no more than the Eurovision but sounds better.

But they actually stood by Israel when Spain, Ireland, Belgium and a few other worthless nations, like Slovenia, felt that they ‘couldn’t share a platform’ with anything ‘Israel’. Not with their songs, not with their singers, nothing. These are nations for whom taking a stance and making a statement, AND backing up that statement with positive action, ie boycotting the Eurovision!!!, is a moral imperative.

Those proud nations are prepared to polticise a musical event, itself almost a crime, in order to engage in virtue-signalling ignorance-of-the-facts to a degree of self-sacrifice from this wonderful event. And this is such a noble act that to the governments of Spain, Ireland and all those other principled and worthy nations, I’d just like to say: FUCK OFF THEN!! NO-ONE WILL MISS YOU.

So that’s Eurovision sorted, though you feel, ‘this ain’t the end of it’, now we need to concentrate on the World Cup. Next year. Strictly speaking it’s in ‘Canada, Mexico and the USA’. But in reality it’s ‘America. Oh, with Canada and Mexico as well’.

As was shown yesterday when FIFA, the world’s (most hated and institutionally corrupt) football chiefs, presented the world’s first ever ‘Peace Prize’. What the fuck does that even mean? Peace in football? If it’s for ‘world peace’ (slight gag reflex there) then again, that is politicising football. And to give that award to Donald J. Trump is simply sucking-up of the worst possible variety. Sickening sycophancy. And more politics.

But never mind ‘the Trump show’, the 47th ‘proudest moment of my life’ this year when he received the honour. We then have the football. To be played across three nations who span a continent. I don’t know how far it is from Montreal to Mexico City, but it’s a four-figure number. It’s a ‘take a plane’ number. And that, coupled with FIFA’s quite ridiculous system of ‘dynamic pricing’ for the re-selling of tickets, this is not going to be a World Cup for the ‘working man’. It’ll be for corporates, as some re-sold tickets will fetch over $50,000. Of which, FIFA takes a massive slice. The touts are dead; long live the touts!!! It used to be a dodgy guy in a sheepskin coat flogging tickets for rip-off prices, but now that’s gone ‘corporate’ and ‘digital’ and FIFA have become the new Stan Flashman.

I’m not going anyway but seriously…

Happy Saturday, from a train bound for Edinburgh.

A xxxx

Every day my ipad presents me a random photo from the 62 million of mine which Apple keep for me. In the clouds, allegedly. And they send me a ‘bill’ for ‘extra storage’, about 70p a month. That’s the cost of having grandchildren. Ok, part of the cost. But I’m going to get them to pay me back at some point. When Lila’s the Prime Minister and Joey’s just about to go to jail for blowing up a bank with a rocket-launcher. Not to steal the money, just to see what it does.

Anyway, I generally ignore the ‘photo of the day’, often don’t even notice it. Nice when its my dad, or the brother, most often its just ‘the kids’ or Harry Kane, Son Heung Min, Taylor Swift or some pic of a massive, supercharged muscle car which took my fancy at the time.

Then this came up today.

It’s an advert for the banning of ‘baby led weaning’. That’s when, rather than feeding a baby with a spoon, you just put it out there and led them go feral with it. And this was the result with Joey in late 2019. I mean, you wouldn’t want it banned if you’re the grandparent taking photos with tears of hysterical laughter rolling down his face. But then the realisation. That’s MY kitchen!!! I have to clean it up!! I have to clean HIM up!!!! And 6 years later, he still eats like that. Like his grandfather.

An amazing thing happened on Tuesday night. Spurs played a football match, and didn’t lose! Having temporarily suppressed my football gland activity with special drugs, which have to be distilled in the Highlands for at least 10 years, I didn’t watch it. Didn’t even know it was on. Didn’t look. So disgusted with ‘last week’ that I took a ‘hiatus’ of 3 days. For a ‘re-set’. It was either that or take a sub-machine gun over to the Crews Hill training ground and do a Michael Douglas in Falling Down on my team. So I went to Tibet, took my oaths and became a monk for 3 days, sitting on a mountainside, contemplating man’s place in the grand scheme of God’s eternal landscape. I looked great in orange. Like a skinny Buddha wearing glasses. It was ‘a moment’. But sadly, I got bored after 20 minutes, remembered that I haven’t believed in God since we lost to Luton in 1983 and booked the first Avios flight back, returning just in time to see Liverpool fail to beat Sunderland.

But I feel much better. Ish.

Happy Thursday

A xxxx