Our mates Aussie Johnno and Billie-Sheila came over for lunch yesterday. We had to let them in because they’d come all the way from Australia. Even though Spurs were playing in a stupidly early, 12 o’clock, match.

Why would you have a match so early on a sunday? Those poor Newcastle fans must have been up at 4 to make the trek down in their horse-drawn carriages. Can’t imagine the weekend train service (or lack of) allows for such occurrences and its not like they’d come down on Saturday and stay over. They’re impoverished northern rabble, they don’t have the funds. Maybe they could have borrowed the money from their major sponsor, Wonga, and had a night at the Hempel. Where the contents of the mini-bar total more than the price of the average house in the far-north-east. Yet the great god of Sky tv must be appeased.

Anyway. Aussie Johnno has an analytical mind. Its his job. And his innate character. He questions things, looking for the ‘obvious’ solutions to any problem, the logical answer to the question. Which makes him a bit like a four year-old kid. ‘Why?’ He asks. Why do they do that? Why can’t they just do it better? Why not do it differently?

So watching football with the man, who has little in the way of footballing knowledge but a lot of questions, is a different experience.

Why can’t Spurs score when they’ve had 18 attempts on goal in the first half? Why can’t they practice scoring goals, what do they do all week??

Ahh, but other teams make it difficult; that’s their job.

Ok, so why can’t you work out how the other teams will defend and decide how to score goals anyway. Why can’t they play better, whey can’t they work out a plan which will enable them to score against this team. Why, why, whyyyyyy…

A six year old kid you can just slap. But not Johnno. Not least because I love him dearly but also because his footballing naivete gives him an objectivity that the more footballing obsessed lack. A new perspective. From a logical, scientific approach rather than one steeped in Motsonesque cliche.

Just ‘do it better’, is the way any normal, analytical mind would approach such a problem. Work out how to score and FUCKING DO ITTTTTTT!!!!! Its obvious. To him, even to me with a mind full of ‘playing a high line’ and ‘diamond midfield vs wingers’ and other dross.

Simple problem. Certainly simple players. The solution: SCORE MORE GOALS. Spurs have currently, at the last count, scored 9 in 10 league matches. Appalling. Abysmal. Pepto-bysmal.

So we frikkin’ lost. On the day when all the stars were aligned. Man City lost, Chelsea almost lost but cheated in that vile way they do, even Arsenal lost, and that never happens. It was all set, it was destiny. It was karma. It was ‘beshert’.

But they fucked up.

And so easy to see why. If you spend your life creating computer software solutions in the financial sector.

Sack Villas Boas, bring in Mark Zuckerberg. He should be a Spurs fan, surely.

 

Happy fucking Monday

 

A xxxx