“and now here is the weather, sponsored by Anne Summers…”

How can you sponsor the weather? What; do you arrange raindrops to land with ‘E-on’ logos on them, or shaped like Kellogs products? Wind that smells of Cadbury’s chocolate (ahhhh, if only), sunshine by RayBan.

Oh, they mean the weather ‘report’ that’s sponsored, oh, that’s different.

Though untrustworthy.

Because outside interests are at hand. The weather reporting is thus less reliable because those sponsors want their payback. Which is why bastard energy providers like E-on sponsor it. “There will be strong winds in Beckenham with temperatures dropping to…” The residents are already up, out the room and hiking the thermostat to ‘greenhouse, suffocation’ levels, like Mel does. Spewing extra heat out through the rafters to destroy the local trees and wildlife whilst condemning the ozone layer to more depletion as the power houses throw an extra lump of coal in the furnace and their accountants start looking through the new Jaguar brochures.

The BBC don’t have sponsored weather. They have real, old-fashioned, proper weather. Pre-war weather. Pea-soupers and ‘a bit icy for Mr Milkman in the morrow’ kind of weather. And I like it. I trust it. Independent weather. None of this ‘dildo-shaped’ sleet from Auntie Beeb. Just weather, like it is, like it will be. Which is why I always watch the news and weather on BBC.

Except last night. Due to unforeseen circumstances (a football match; Andros Townsend is the new God; all previous England number 7s to be wiped from memory as historical irrelevances) I watched the news on ITV. And the weather. Which said about Saturday morning: shit, wet, rain, total rubbish, no fucking tennis, black cloud, storms, rain and more rain.

Oh no, I thought, bummer.

Then I checked on the BBC website and its said: rain stopping by 7, brighter, bit cloudy.

This morning was wonderful. Sunny, bright and perfect for tennis.

So bollocks to the sponsors.

Meanwhile, great news for all men. Its here, what we’ve been waiting for all our lives. Man make-up. Brilliant. Surely we’ve had that before? Zero to total bankruptcy in 22 days. Rubbish idea.

Ahhh, but this is special, this is different, this is…

by Tom Ford!!!!

Wow.

Its not just the actual make up we don’t need, its more another process we can do without. Make up takes time. Trust me on that. Application of all that shit, slapping it on with a trowel, painting it all orange, it takes fucking ages. Ahhhh but this is different. This is Tom Ford. Its subtle. A discrete ‘cover-up’, moisturising lip balm, delicate eye shadow.

They’ve basically decided that although men need make up like women need more knuckle-dusters, its an untapped market. Which, if it can be created, will be worth trillions. So wheel in Tommy F, the straight-man’s gay man, and make it sound not only ‘must have’ but a bit butch.

I’m sorry, unless its in green and brown and used for the invasion of middle-east countries, make up on men is strictly for drag queens and new Romantics (if there’s a difference).

 

Happy cynical Caturday

 

A xxxx