Tests have now shown (apparently; they’re always showing something or other; do these ‘testers’ really have nothing better to do??) that left handed people are far more likely to be schitzophrenics than right handers.

Schizophrenia (/ˌskɪtsɵˈfrɛniə/ or /ˌskɪtsɵˈfriːniə/) is a mental disorder characterized by a breakdown of thought processes and by a deficit of typical emotional responses.

[1]Common symptoms are delusions including paranoia and auditory hallucinations,disorganized thinking reflected in speech, and a lack of emotional intelligence. It is accompanied by significant social or vocational dysfunction. The onset of symptoms typically occurs in young adulthood

David Cameron is left handed. Barak Obama is left handed. So several billion mega-tons of nuclear armaments lies in the (left) hands of people who are likely to be delusional, paranoid and emotionally stunted.

Some of my dearest and closest friends are left-handed. Well, they were until I read the paper this morning. Now I shall rethink my whole ‘friends’ thing in the interest of my personal safety and welfare and that of my family.

Oddly though, ‘handedness’ is not quite such a cut and dry phenomena. Lots of people write with their left hands but play sports right handedly. Some are totally ambidextrous. Or ‘part-time schitzos’ as it will now be known. Rafa Nadal plays tennis left handed but is in fact right handed. Presumably this is so his favoured hand can do the more important job of releasing his constant ‘wedgies’ from his poorly designed underwear leaving him only the left one to hit the ball with. Ryan Giggs is very left-footed but writes right-handedly.

This all serves to complicate things. Most people have degrees of ambidexterity. I deal playing cards left handedly. I never knew until bridge lesson number 2 when Guru Clive pointed at my dealing, leapt up and screamed that terrible fact at me. As if I was eating a baby, worshipping the devil, voting conservative or displaying a Milwall tatoo.

So now that tiny little single facet of my otherwise total right-handedness will make me paranoid that I may end up paranoid.

I fucking hate those 2 words: “tests show…”

Tests show that Spurs have won another football match. Just. Oh my but really really ‘just’. On penalites, loads of penalties. Like we win most of our matches, but more of them. Penalty shoot-out in the cup match last night; 8-7. Fifteen penalites to get the winner. So now we’ve advanced to the quarter finals of the Total Waste of Time (unless you win it) Cup. And it only cost us 120 minutes, plus penalties, of physical, mental and emotional exhaustion.

And our left-handers won’t cope with that very well at all.

 

Happy thursday

 

A xxxx