Andy's Glasses

Ahhhh, Dominic Cummings; the gift that keeps giving. Now elevated to national hate-figure and pariah, the devil incarnate (he always had it in him), and the embodiment of the expression: when you’re in a hole, STOP DIGGING. Or he should be. He’s bright enough to know that pathetic excuses will be viewed as such by the general public. Who may not share his stellar IQ but who do indeed recognise that if something smells like shit and looks like shit, then it probably is. Add that to the initial ‘crime’ of doing precisely what he’d not merely told us not to do, but pretty much enshrined it in the law. Tosser.

Which is where some ambiguity comes in. Because the other day I referred to the man as ‘Dom’. For years my pet name for me mate, the eponymous one. Who also happens to be a tosser, so I can see the problem. So for the purposes of MY Dom, or anyone else living in such an egocentric world, the use of the word Dom on these pages henceforth and hereafter will refer exclusively to the headline in every paper one we’re all interested in and not the other one who no-one gives a shit about.

I hope that clarifies.

So Dom goes up north, always a capital offence in my book, before you’ve even got out the car. And he did so with Coronavirus, making him an idiot. Like, the day after telling everyone in the country DON’T GO NOWHERE!!!!.

He made his excuses, we’re all fine with that (phah!) and now we’re onto phase 2. The Day Trip. To Bernard Castle. A local ‘beauty spot’. And going there whilst infected. Getting out the car. Walking round! (And if this instinctively appals you, the thought of such behaviour, just take a moment to think how far we’ve all ‘come’ in the last 10 weeks).

But then the excuse. The reason. And, pretty much the laughable and ludicrous nail in the coffin of his current career. He ‘wanted to check his eyesight’. Ok, fair point, don’t want to be a danger, so here’s what you do: look at something. The end. And as a professional in the eyesight department, I know such things. Go outside if you like, look down the road. Look up at some trees. He was on a farm FFS, nothing but open spaces with distant things to view. Alternatively you can:

Get in a very powerful car and fire up the engine. Make sure you have at least 1 four year-old child strapped (loosely) in the back. Put your wife in the passenger seat; the one where most people die in car accidents. And drive. If you reach the end of the road and no-one is dead yet, but you’re still ‘uncertain’, drive a further 60 miles just to make sure that the ‘test’ is a success.

Dom’s crime is that he thinks he’s so clever that whatever he does, or says he does, is just beyond question. Either he’s a fucking idiot or he is really convinced that the other 62 million in this country genuinely are.

The Government lost more popularity points yesterday than in any day since Cameron fucked up an election debate with Nick Clegg. Nineteen prime ministers ago. Because Boris joined in the arrogance and, instead of laughing at what his senior advisor said, like everyone else did, he tried to give it a credibility by his endorsement. Making him look like a total nob as well.

And on it goes…

Happy sunny day

A xxxx

Today the esteemed Master Joseph Conway Bell reaches the immense milestone of his first birthday. Yesterday he was ‘zero’, today he is 1. The difference is marked. Yet really, every day is a milestone at that kind of age. He dribbles a bit less. Ok, not much but a bit. He crawls faster, stands more, walks one more step before- JOEYYYYY!!!! and is generally more able, stronger, bigger, better with each passing second. Yesterday’s meaningless babble is today’s proto-word construction. Though only in the ears of a parent/grandparent. And every day is a celebration of life. His life, my life, everyone’s life laid bare by the wonder of Jojo. And he DOES say ‘Lila’, after a fashion, and he does say ‘Pa-pa’ and he does say ‘dis’ quite a lot, and he even says ‘Dominic Cummings is a total tosser’. No, really, he does.

Because even at 1 year old, Joey is bright enough to realise the inevitable. The blatantly obvious. That which hardly needs saying. Dominic Cummings is a tosser. BUT, and this is a fairly big ‘but’, he is Boris Johnson’s tosser. And thus the PM found nothing in Dom-gate to show his mate and ally acted in any way other than ‘responsibly, legally and with integrity’. A statement like that would, in normal political times, mean ‘gone by tomorrow, history by Wednesday, forgotten by Friday’. But normal times these ain’t.

From my own perspective, I couldn’t give a shit where Dominic Cummings is at any given time. Little interests me less. Ok, possibly golf, but not much else. Boris said Dom went to Durham ‘for the safety of his child!!’ Which is obviously bollocks. Also, Dom is basically in charge of the entire country. Boris won’t sneeze without the man’s approval. Except when he had coronavirus but only because he was given a special exemption.

And there’s the rub. Dominic Cummings, through various mouthpieces; the PM, Health Secretary, top medical advisers, told us to ‘stay put and go nowhere’. Legality is irrelevant, it was all about ‘the nation pulling together by doing what its told to do’.

Roman emperors willingly sacrificed their own children for any semi-legit cause; wars, gods, raffles, whatever. I’m not suggesting Dom should have done the same, I’m just sayin’.

But it wasn’t about the child. It was about making his life a bit more comfortable and easy than if he’d stayed in London. And I don’t know Mrs Dominic at all but if she’s as ‘human’ as her husband then that child has no fucking chance whatsoever anyway.

You can’t set the rules and then be seen acting in direct opposition to them. Then you become a hypocrite. You create a ‘you and us’ situation; the cans and can’ts. Which is wrong.

I don’t think Dominic should be sacked; what’s the point? But an admission by someone (him, Boris, Joey, anyone) that he was wrong, some remorse perhaps, would at least remove some of the horrible arrogance which is now becoming associated with the whole affair.

Happy Birthday, JoJo
xxxx

It’s over. Man wins. Shed succumbs to the inevitable force and… becomes a shed. Maybe its Man 1, 1 shed. All but the door. Which apparently, in normal sheds is actually attached. But this is no normal shed. This is a SUPERSHED and thus the door just sits there. Awaiting someone stronger than Mel who is capable of holding it still and level for the 19 minutes required to insert 4 screws. I might go on ‘taskrabbit’ as a ‘shed assembly dude for rent’.

Because I took a trip on Friday to The City of London. I went on the tube. And sat in a carriage with my mask, gloves, face shield, force field, wet-suit, Batman suit, ski-pants, rubber mask, all wrapped in cling-film with two little holes to breathe. No-one got onto my carriage the whole way in. No-one. Empty.

Which is indeed a great way to travel by tube, particularly during a viral epidemic, but it also speaks volume about my city. No-one is going into work. No-one. They’re all lying in bed, setting the alarm for 7.45 to ‘log in’, then going back to sleep for 4 hours. Have brunch, in the garden, social distancing from your 5 mates also ‘working from home’, then check 3 emails before logging off for lunch. After that it’s Netflix time, just 5 or 6 episodes of whatever, before writing three replies and logging off for the day. Then just a quick message to the boss to tell him how ‘I’m so much more productive at home!! It’s amazing!!! Plus I get extra work time without the commute!!! It’s brilliant!!’

No-one is going back to the City any time soon. Only me. Friday was good because I’d arranged to meet several people at assigned times. Other than those people the streets were as deserted as the tube. And whatever happens to ‘end lockdown’, those who CAN work from home will be encouraged to do so til the bitter end. Until the virus is beaten. Until herd immunity renders it impotent. Until Dominic Cummings resigns. Until 2025. By which time they’ll be allowing 16 people to watch live football at the same time! In the same stadium!!

I’m going to become a full-time nanny/shed builder. I can hold a baby in one hand and an electric screw-driver in the other.

Happy Days

A xxxx

As a nutritional expert I have reached a conclusion about a certain class of foods. In my ongoing (lifelong) study of all ‘things wot get eaten’, which has obviously reached new, improved levels since lockdown as we seem to be eating 8 meals a day. The days of a tuna sandwich or a chicken baguette are over. Now we ‘create’ lunches. We have become foody snobs and fine diners. Exclusively. Ish. I make Yotam fucking Ottolenghi look like a man with a hot dog stand.

But the conclusion I reached this very morning was not a salady thing. It was far more important. It was about peanut butter. Because M&S make the absolute best version. You can keep Skippy (tastes too American), everyone else’s is shit, Waitrose very average. But M&S make, for me, the definitive version to which all others aspire and pale into insignificance against. And now they’ve either changed it (I WILL DIE!!!!) or they’ve introduced a new additional one (if there is a God). I just picked it up thinking they’d changed the jar. Then noticed, once I was home, that it had ‘New’ printed on it. As if I someone might view that as a good thing. Then I noticed the killer statement underneath. “No added salt, sugar or palm oil”. NOOOOOOOO!!! I fucking love those additives. And any others they want to throw in, flavourings, e-numbers, colouration, anything. And they removed them. Bastards. And it tastes different. Less… salty, not quite as… sweet, insufficiently… palmy.

So my conclusion is: NEVER BUY ANYTHING WITHOUT ADDITIVES!

And here is my recipe for a typical lunch. The perfect salad.

Marinade haloumi with chopped garlic, balsamic vinegar, soy sauce and olive oil (I mean, come on, that is healthier than… peanut butter), fry in… probably a pan. Until its… done. Prepare a plate with ‘salad’. This must include: lettuce, tomatoes, cucumber, potato salad, coleslaw, boiled egg, avocado, spinach. Add the haloumi, ‘drizzle’ on 4 soup ladles of chilli mayonnaise. Then pick out the lettuce, cucumber and spinach and put in the bin. Sprinkle with a chicken leg or a steak. Add chips to taste. Serve with bread. And another steak. Possibly some sausages.

You can eat healthily in lockdown. It just takes a little effort. And some additives.

Happy day of strange weather

A xxxx

It’s been a busy few months for Boris Johnson. And his Johnson.

They became prime minister, ‘got Brexit done’ (remember Brexit; ahhhh the nostalgia…), caught Covid 19, nearly died, came back to life, like Jesus, and became a father for the 17th time (estimates may vary).

Some minor relief arrived for our overwhelmed PM yesterday when the Independent Office for Police Conduct declared that there was insufficient evidence to investigate charges of ‘misconduct in a public office’ over his ‘relationship’ with Jennifer Arcuri, another loud-mouthed big blonde thing. BUT, they stated, he may have breached ethical standards expected of public officials.

They obviously don’t read the papers much, nor books on political history, they’ve never been to Cliveden and remain mired in some parallel universe where sexual harassment, affairs and scandals are not collectively led by the political classes. Boris’s ‘ethical standards’ are precisely what I’d expect of any politician. In the real world.

Yet its the word ‘relationship’ which perplexed me in this context. Implying that Bo and Jen were hand-in-hand strolling through the park, eating ice creams and picturing their life together after Boris left his (extremely) long-suffering wife and mother of 4 of his children. Whereas Boris stated in his defence: ‘That Arcuri bird? I was just shaggin’ it.’ (I may have changed the actual wording slightly but certainly captured the exact sentiment, of that I’m sure).

Boris found a willing bundle of fun and sexuality and decided, unilaterally, to take it with him on a few ‘business development trips’ to Europe. Sex which is ‘free at the point of delivery’. For him. With public funds to pay for them both, obviously. He was the mayor of London, ffs, gotta be some perks. So he promised her a few grand (100,000 was the amount banded ab out) for business development and took her on a junket or two. What ‘ethical standards’?

Dominic Cummings was found to have committed the less ambiguous crime of ‘being a tosser during lockdown’. Of breaking the rules. Which, essentially, he imposed upon us, given his ridiculous level of ‘influence’ he has over our PM. The ‘rules’ would have been his rules. And its not like he went out to buy milk when he already had one pint of semi-skimmed and a litre of blue-top!! No. What he did was take a train to Durham. From London. To see his parents. 250 miles away. Well, maybe there were good reasons. BUT…

His wife, who traveled too, and Dominic, both had Coronavirus. Both tested positive and had symptoms. And took them on a train ‘up north’ to spread the love.

I’m not big on rules. Lockdown or otherwise. It’s not my nature. But this. THIS!! Without getting too ‘cultural revolution’ about it (another fabulous Chinese export), Dominic should be pilloried and shamed. Unfortunately ‘shame’ is a bit too human an experience to bother Dominic and his somewhat ‘other worldliness’.

Happy today/yesterday

A xxxx

Ok

Sent from my iPad

I’ll start with a question: eh-hem: does anyone out there make a power drill with a petrol motor? If not, why not? Not that my old rechargeable electric is insufficient in any way, just that… just that… just that I like petrol engines. The smell, the noise, the mess, oil down my arms, petrol over my shoes, exhaust fumes in my face, trying to drill guide holes with something powered by a Mustang V8 block weighing more than the shed, I love it all. So I wondered.

Yet there’s one little problem I do have with my electric screwdriver which I share with Tesla owners. When the charge runs out, yer fucked. On Sunday, when ‘project shed’ started in earnest, I had to assemble all the panels. Screw them together. Then screw them some more. Then screw them to the floor, then screw something else to something else. And with 3 screws left, the fucker died. Just went into slooooow-w-w-w-w m—o—o—-o—-o—- and then it was over. Ok, I should have a spare battery, peutetre, but I’ve never needed one in the previous 15 years I’ve owned the tool. But you see, if it was petrol… ahhhhh. Yes, I KNOW that can run out too, yet I have a little ‘can’ made of special plastic and there’s always petrol in there.

So the shed is in mid-assemblage, as you will doubtless note and even more doubtless, be impressed. Yeah, right. The colour was (obviously) Mel’s idea. But I like it. And we stole it from Lila’s house, left over from when her shed was painted.

Yet its not all plain sailing. It’s an exercise in problem solving. And the problem is this: the shed is shit. Not total shit. Just… moderate. The panels don’t marry up ‘perfectly’, the heights of things vary, some bits are warped a bit this way and that. So today, one of my long… errrr… bits of wood, I’ll call it, turned out to be about 1/3rd of an inch too long. Grrrrrrrr. I could saw it, but that’s painful. I could plane it, but that’s worse. Or…

I could get out my circular saw. The world’s most vicious piece of equipment. It can remove an arm in 3 tenths of a second. Fingers wouldn’t even register. It’s old and dusty because I never use it. A builder left it here decades ago. But plug it in and holy shit its so brutal its almost spiritual. Took 1.8 milliseconds to remove the offending wood.

And now I’ve decided, finally, on my first tattoo. I’m going to have it across my chest, just above nipple level. Which is a bit lower than when I first decided on having a tattoo there, I grant you. It will proclaim: I FUCKING LOVE POWER TOOLS!!! In honour of the shed.

Jesus was a carpenter. Got ‘furloughed’ big time. Then unfurloughed himself. Then got furloughed again.

Happy almost penultimate shed-building day.

A xxxx

I like to swear. Don’t know why. Makes me feel good. Makes me feel rebellious. Even though everyone swears. Makes me feel like a builder. Though they swear in Polish. I don’t know the reason, I just know its a fabulous way of self-expression. And never better than when juxtaposed with delightful and flowing eloquence of excessive fucking wordage. Maybe I think its ‘hip’ and should know better. I don’t give a shit. Swear I will.

But there’s one word. One really, really, awfully awful, dire word which I generally don’t employ without taking precautions and qualifiers and warnings of a positively Covid nature. Especially if women are around. Itself an oddity in that if you were to call me a prick or a nob I would actually like it. Depending on the context. But to even use the ‘c-word’ in a woman’s presence is to invoke wrath and anger and reprimand and disgust. Which is why it must be used with exceptionally judicious caution. Women get more upset by the c-word, men get more coronavirus. Remind me why there’s a God?

So I save such a word for when it is absolutely necessary. When it is truly required. When no other word will even start to impart the true feeling of the sentiment. When someone has exceeded everyone’s natural right to be a tosser. To be a wanker. An idiot. A horror. A gobshite. A dickhead. When mere throwaway insults pale into the humorously ironic.

And thus is the ideal word to describe Sadiq Kahn. The Mayor of London. The limp and slightly leftish (depending on to whom he’s speaking at the time) son-of-a… bus driver. Who has all the charm of a… build-it-yourself garden shed. All the charisma of Philip Green. Speaks with the flowing prose of a Millwall fan and has done nothing of any use whatsoever in his four-year tenure at the helm of the greatest city in the world.

He is the man for this crisis!! Definitely. In fact he can take a ‘problem’ and make it a ‘crisis’ all by hisself.

Just as lockdown started I was still taking the tube to town. And it was fine. 6 people on a carriage, all far apart and away. So Sadiq reduced the tubes by 60%. ‘To encourage people to stay apart’. Which is hard to do on a train with the adjacent passengers nose in your left ear. Because the trains were rammed. That act elevated the Mayor from nob-end to total-arsehole.

Then on Friday he announced that suspension of the congestion charge for cars entering central London (which stopped when lockdown started) is to be reinstated as from TODAY. Five days after Boris told us to ‘use our cars, avoid public transport’.

And then: from June 22, that congestion charge will increase by 35% (15 quid a day) AND operate all day and night, seven days a week. Leaving Londoners who need to go to the City no viable option but to use the public transport system which can’t now cope with anything approximating social distancing.

So congratulations to Sadiq Kahn. He is a total, utter and absolute C***!!!!!

Happy more shed-building

A xxxx

There’s a new facet to Cornovirus that’s just coming to light. Something that wasn’t noticed in the original list of symptoms. It’s called: ‘Coronavirus associated, with this much time I can do fucking anything! syndrome’. And affects a certain class of people. Not the fatties, they get enough of a rough deal from Covid as it is. Neither diabetics, specifically, cos they don’t do well either, statistically. No, this affects those who should know better.

Hence, when Mel noticed that we possibly needed a new shed, I went into my normal state of ‘oblivious’. Even though both windows fell out the shed about a year ago, there’s a massive hole in the roof and most of the corners just aren’t there any longer.

So we ordered a new one. The old one was collected Tuesday. 2 Polish geezers quite literally tore it down with their bare hands. Took 10 minutes. And this morning, our new shed arrived.

When ordering basically the same one we had, but without the holes, we just went of the best price/deal/availability/EASE. Because we’d ‘made’ the old one. It was delivered, about 6 panels. Mel and I, one Sunday morning about 20 years ago, glued the sides to the floor, put a couple of nails to hold the roof on, and bish-bosh, one shed. Easy peasy.

Today’s version is the Airfix fully working Harley Davidson Electra Glide model, version. There are 600 parts and 24,000 screws, nuts, bolts and nails. The roof ‘stuff’ comes on a fucking roll, FFS. It’s one step up from ‘here’s your tree and a hammer and saw; build yer shed’.

But I have time. Sorry, WE have time. Absolutely no construction skills whatsoever. But time. And tools. Got lots of tools. Electric ones, petrol ones, leaf-blowers, I got fucking EVERYTHING!!! There’s just one thing I don’t have.

A clue.

Which is why I’m writing this rather than…

Happy Building

A xxxx

This is my ‘roadmap to normality’. I think it explains more than all Boris’s words of good but misguided intentions which constitute his ‘roadmap’. Plus, I really hate that word in such a metaphorical context. It’s patronising. Don’t know why, but it is.

Anyway, life goes on. Went to work yesterday and had lots to do, including meeting my own personal detective. The ‘alleged’ burglar who broke into my store is in remand, having pleaded ‘not guilty’. The man who was found round the corner with my cabinet. Kicking it. With the crow bar used to smash the window. Caught with hands full of Ray Bans. Not guilty. Must have been mistaken identity. In a completely deserted City of London at midnight during ‘lockdown’. Or police brutality. I’m hoping the latter. And hoping its continuing during his time ‘on remand’. Another burden on the tax-payer.

Jonathan Sumption was on the radio yesterday pointing out some uncomfortable statistics for the government and repeating his 7 week mantra which is, we should just carry on as normal with those at risk, over 70s or health impaired, taking all the precautions they want. And stating that, essentially, for the (truly minuscule; not even rating the thinnest entry on the DEATH FROM CORONAVIRUS!!!! statistical charts) risk which the virus represents to the majority of people, we’ve sold our economic and financially viable future. And Lord Sumption may be a bit ‘odd’, but he is also exceptionally clever. And being probably the foremost expert on the Tudor period, he’s fully qualified to comment on plagues.

So the news that ‘the furlough’ will be extended until October offered me scant relief. October… October… FUCKING OCTOBER!!!!! When I was hoping to be hugging people by July. Working normally by August. Going on holiday in September. Exchanging bodily fluids with strangers in Waitrose by June. And who wants to be furloughed when the weather’s shit?

Thus the ‘furlough’, planned until June initially, will extend to October. BUT!!!! Employers will have to contribute. Oh. Fine.

Actually, what’s the opposite of ‘fine’?

The whole ‘furlough’ thing is to pay employees during the time when businesses are closed and thus having virtually zero income. To keep the businesses (almost) viable and prevent mass unemployment. The government pays the wages because the businesses can’t afford it. Yet the chancellor somehow implies that in June, following 3 months of zero trade and regular expenses, those same companies will be in a somehow healthier financial situation than they were in March. And can thus ‘contribute’ to keeping people off the work that would otherwise might have paid their salaries.

I need more maths lessons. My brain hurts.

Happy re-think day

A xxxx

Hello Britain… well I should say ‘hello England’ because for the purposes of this wonderfully simple, completely uncomplicated and totally lacking in confusion statement, we need to separate ourselves from our family of nations who seem to think that Patty Peroxide in Edinburgh, somebody Welsh and the current incarnation of Lucifer’s sister in Belfast, can do a better job than we can. So fuck ‘em. It’s every man, woman and Devil for themselves.

YOU!, the people of England, have done a fantastic job of isolating, of distancing, of being sensible and observant. So good a job that the all-important ‘R’ number, for the reproduction of the virus, has positively plummeted below the magic number ‘1’. It now is 0.5. To 0.9. No-one’s really sure about that. Nor, if I’m honest, how, precisely, they work it out. Quite frankly, statisticians working within +/- 50% are not worth the extra-marital affairs they may choose to have.

But we’re all doing so well that we can now change the current status from DON’T FUCKING DO NUFFINK!! to the more relaxed DON’T FUCKING DO HARDLY ANYTHING!!!

In the lockdown, only those that couldn’t work at home were allowed to go in to work. Whereas now, we’ve positively eased that situation to allow people who wish to go to work to do so. As long as that work is at least 2 metres from someone else’s work. And doesn’t involve food, drink, hospitality, sport, retail, wholesale, buying anything, selling anything or doing anything productive whatsoever in any part of the economy.

So those who can go to work, now should do so. But under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should they use public transport. Better to stay at home. Though we are now actively encouraging everybody who can do so safely, to return to work. Preferably from home. Though you may walk to work. Or cycle. Even drive. Pretty much like you were before. But more so. Just don’t use buses. Trains. Trams. Tubes.

So as you can see, we are slowly easing ourselves back to normality, whilst maintaining a policy of being scared shitless about absolutely everything. To protect the NHS.

And furthermore we’re hoping for even more good news in the weeks to come.

Keep up the good work, England.

Ideally from home.

But you may go in.

Better not to.

I hope that clarifies everything.

Boris
Xxxx