Andy's Glasses

The last time Roy Keane had his hands round someone’s throat he finished the job, strangled the bastard, then killed the wife, three kids and Alfie, the Labradoodle. Then he ate them. Raw. Yet this was a genuine ’embrace’ with Ireland manager Martin O’Neill, having just witnessed their team’s quite amazing victory over Italy last night, which saw Ireland through to the knockout stages for the first time. Roy had tears in his eyes, the emotion profound. Ahhhhh, even fucking psychopaths can get all emotional; niiiiice.

I have voted. Done it. No point messing around. And I’ve decided we need to stay in. For the future. For the past. I’m so overloaded with Europe-bollocks right now that even in the car on the way to the polling station I was still a bit undecided. And I do appreciate that if we leave, then Boris will become President (he’ll disband the monarchy), Farage will be head of his secret police, and they’ll find me and either deport me to Syria or put me in a gulag in Shrewsbury.
I’M JUST GLAD ITS OVER. CAN WE TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE NOW, PER-LEASE.

Just before bed last night, I was channel-flicking, as ya do, and watched my second instalment (10 minutes; could take no more) of Top Gear. Have you seen what they’ve done to that once great programme. They should just call it ‘high five’ and be done. Never seen so much hand slapping and man-hugging in one place. Other than the football. But scoring a goal in a international football game in a massive tournament is, I feel, slightly more worthy of celebration than simply walking into a room full of people. I may be wrong on that.

The show is horrible. Its taken all the best bits of the show and turned them into pantomime. Its lowered the whole thing from subtle and wry to custard pies and ‘OH YES HE DID!!!!!’ Its bollocks. Total bollocks. Chris Evans makes up for any lack of talent by shouting louder. So he shouts a lot. Some German tart learned her sense of humour by reading Mein Kampf at school. Really hilarious. And Matt LeBlanc is for some reason more acceptable in such a horrible and contrived environment.

Nice to know what my license fee buys.

Happy Polling Day

A xxxx

Scumbag Ben Butler was jailed yesterday, for murdering his own daughter. Who was just 6. This tragedy is even more profound by virtue that Butler should actually still be in jail for abusing the same child in 2009. But he (obviously) wasn’t. They not only released him but exonerated him of all crimes which gave him a massive power. That during his constant visits to hospitals with poor little Ellie after yet another ‘accident’, he became almost untouchable by the authorities.

He’s a motherfucker of the first order. No doubt about that.

But the real criminals here are the ‘experts’. Who are the bastard second cousins to statisticians for providing the results that are required by those paying their excessive bill, regardless of any ‘facts’ that may indicate otherwise.

Butler’s first offence was ‘baby-shaking’. He’d shaken tiny baby Ellie so hard she’d haemorrhaged in the brain. Ah! said the authorities in 2009, that’s yet another case of ‘baby-shaken-sydrome’ that’s really big in American courts, brain bleed = shaken baby. Its incontrovertible. Experts hath spoken!!!

A couple of years later, another group of experts decided that there are loads of ways babies can bleed in the head. Thus a few haemorrhages here or there proves NOTHING. Better appeal Butler’s case and get him released. Not because Ellie, already a veteran of hospital services for burns, bleeds, fractures at the age of 2, would be safe, but because he may not have shaken her on that one occasion. Its not ‘conclusive’.

Ben Butler met Ellie’s mum (who whilst not proven to be complicit in the murder, certainly was so in the attempted cover-up) in March 2008. Ellie was born in that December. I think she was actually conceived in the car park behind the outside toilets on their first drunken scummy meeting. I have no evidence for this statement. But could probably find half a dozen ‘experts’ and statisticians who could ‘prove’ that to be the case. If the price was right.

Meanwhile, over in Las Vegas, a young British man with Aspergers is facing jail-time for attempting to kill Donald Trump. How is that a crime? They should put him on the Democratic ticket. Give him a Nobel Prize for Peace.

His only crime was that his weapon of choice, doh, a gun, was to be stolen from a police officer’s hip. Like they’re kind’a ‘open’ and fall out all the time and just easily grabbable. He must be the only man in America who didn’t have a gun. What; they’d closed all the pawn shops in Vegas? Give the man another chance, that’s what I say, and I’ll buy him the gun.

Happy unjust Wednesday

A xxxx

Ok, we’re in a bit of trouble. We played Slovakia. Top player: Martin Skrtel, the tattooed Liverpool blood-sucking zombie. They have one other ‘star’ but as he wears a Mohican hair-do we can discount him. The game went pretty much according to plan, with England bossing it totally. But the plan was, probably, that goals would have been involved in the 87% possession, 29 attempts on goal and all other statistical nonsense that, in hindsight, are totally irrelevant. Because we didn’t win. Couldn’t score. The Slovaks proved to be somewhat, as its known, ‘resilient’. Otherwise known as being a bunch of neo-nazi (probably) bus-parkers.

But that’s a tactic. A very good one, as it proved on the night. Their goalie was fantastic, their defenders throwing themselves in front of everything. The nearest miss we had (and there were many) was that Skrtel didn’t actually strain his groin when lunging for a block, as it appeared, but sadly recovered to finish the match.

Eric Dier was magnificent and majestic and, in search of alliterative inspiration, mutherfuckingly brilliant. Nathaniel Clyne was superb on the right, by miles our biggest threat. But the others? Tossers, the lot of them. Barn door, 3 yards, you do the rest.

So now we wait til Wednesday when the outcome will be realised. Who we play in the ’round of 16′. And as all four teams can qualify, we have no idea. Could be Portugal, could be Iceland, even Hungary or Austria. We’ll play a better team, position-wise than Wales. Because they actually won our group. Therefore get an easier tie. That’s life in the Euro.

But Wales deserve it. They played 3 shit teams and beat 2 of them. Job done. And faced with a threatless (the team, certainly not the fans) Russia last night, they breezed past them 3-0. I should’a watched that one. And claimed Welshness on the grounds that my bridge teacher is Welsh, thus by association…

Enough football. No really, its enough. Because the referendum is on Thursday. And if nothing else (and there really is nothing else of a positive nature) this has now proven, if there was any doubt, about the sheer ridiculousness of statistical analysis. As yesterday the ‘Remains’ claimed that if we leave Europe it will cost us the loss of 35,000 jobs. And the ‘Leavers’ claimed that if we leave Europe we will benefit by 35,000 additional jobs. Doubtless both sides could produce ‘proof’ from economic ‘facts’ and ‘data’ to prove their case.

And they are therefore, all tossers. Oh, and some of them must be liars.

Happy Tuesday

A xxxx

I’m glad I have a beard. Even though I’m not in Afghanistan. Because over there they have an expression: bacha bareesh, which means ‘boys without beards’. Which in turn means that they’re pre-pubescent. Not that they choose to be clean-shaven, but that they simply aren’t old enough to shave yet. Maybe its to differentiate them from the older women of that nation, most of whom do have beards. But in the seriously fucked up, screwy world of the Taliban, these boys are great fun. There’s even a saying over there: women are for child-rearing, boys are for pleasure. No irony then that both homosexuality and paedophilia are strictly forbidden under the strict Islamic rule. Because these poor kids, their version of rent boys, are a perfectly acceptable part of Afghan culture. Go figure.

All I know is; despite the constant protestations from the females in my immediate family: THE BEARD STAYS! Otherwise I shave it off, the next thing, I’m on a plane to Kabul, nooooooo…

Over in Europe, the football goes on. And on. And on. In last night’s ‘thrilling’ battle of the pickpockets, Albania beat Romania 1-0. And the question on everyone’s lips is: ‘who gives a shit?’

The competition started with 24 teams. The finalists. Two weeks in and countless group games later, we’ll soon know which teams qualify for the knockout stages! But of those 24, sixteen qualify. So we’ve endured two weeks of Slovaks and Ukrainians and Albanians and virtually everyone is going through. Its the very opposite of ‘excitement’. It is ‘dull-ment’. And you can bet its all about tv. The more matches that are on the more the tv companies have to pay for the rights. Even though I can’t imagine Albania vs Romania taking many viewers away from Downton Abbey. How many adverts for beer and online gambling does any nation need?

England play their last group game tonight. Against those very Slovaks that I really don’t like. I don’t like any of the East Europeans, they’re all racists and anti-semites and vile thugs. All of them.

And I’m bored with the dramatic headlines about England. Will we get through? Albania will fucking get through, if England don’t we really don’t deserve to even be there. Wales should hopefully get through too but I really can’t be bothered to work out the infinite number of possibilities hinging on tonight’s results.

Come on England!!!! ish…

Happy wet, rainy Monday

A xxxx

just 4 days to go til the referendum. Or, as its now known by everyone outside of Westminster: the Fucking Referendum.

Because we never wanted it. We never asked for it. But we have it. Due to a momentary Farage-panic by David Cameron. And everyone is now asking “how divisive will this be for the nation???” “Will we ever get over it???”

Yes we will. Oddly, the referendum is not in any way divisive among the population. Mentally unstable right-winger murderers aside. We talk about it, we discuss it, it is now the standard dinner party question: ‘In or out?’

And it never gets heated, it never gets nasty, its just opinions and speculation. And most people really don’t care that strongly.

So unlike the Scottish referendum which indeed divided a nation completely, even though it was only Scotland, we will get over it. In fact we’re over it already.

The politicians though, in particular the Conservative Party, will not get over it. It has become a nasty, yes divisive, slag-fest of anger, passion and misplaced and overblown exaggeration on both sides. Consequently, they all hate each other, and we couldn’t give a shit. Either about their fictitious arguments and doomsday scenarios, nor about the fact that the Government is doomed. On Friday it will have to be rebuilt. Completely.

Never mind, we won the rugby in Australia, which is as brilliant as it is unique, and we can all look forward to Romania vs Albania in the football tonight. Wow. Doesn’t get much bigger than that.

Arrived home last night just after midnight. And, as usual, spent the entire return process swearing that I’ll never travel Easyjet again, and never use Gatwick airport again. Til next time, at least.

Happy homecoming Sunday

A xxxx

Coming home tonight. Bummer. Leaving the peace, quiet, sunshine and delightfulness of blue-skyed, beautiful Mykonos for… for… for frikkin’ Gatwick. Asshole of the world. But there ya go.

And although ‘London’s’ least favourite airport may be the asshole of the world, its not the only contender for the prize. Oh no. There are soooooooo many candidates. Not based on race, religion, gender, transgender nor political affiliation. Not even about football team supported nor the tendency to sit in the outside lane driving at 35 in a 50 speed limit. No there are assholes everywhere.

Its just that at this specific, precise moment in time, its the right wing extremists that seem to be tipping the balance in their favour on the scale of world asshole claims.

The killer of Jo Cox had some kind of right wing something. He had affiliated to both American and South African extremist organisations, but like, back in 2003, 2008. Maybe he’d been reborn as a jihadi? A Jew for Jesus? A communist? Who knows, but he’s tainted by his right winginess, as he should be.

And then there’s all the trouble at the Euro football. All in the cause of ‘nationalism’. First the Russian ‘ultras’ attack the poor, innocent(ish) England fans. All the Russians are affiliates of right wing, racist organisations who supply swastika tattoos and black balaclavas with every membership application.

Last night was the turn of the Croatians. Not happy with being 2-0 up against the Checks, their fans decided that what their team needed was some help from a bunch of neanderthal neo-nazis in the stands. Who answered the (silent) call with flares and violence.

What the world needs is to rid itself of right wingism altogether. Then it would be happy again. Ok, and left wingism. And probably centrism too. Right; abolish the entire political spectrum, grow your own food, live in a tent in Wilshire, hug trees, worship the weather. Back to basics. Like they do in Wales.

Happy un-nationalistic Saturday

A xxxx

Went down to the beach bar to watch the football yesterday. Biggest day in English football since… the last biggest day in English football. As we never really win anything, every match becomes its own ‘biggest’ thing by default. Though safe to say it probably was Wales’s biggest day in football for over half a century.

And unlike any European beach bar anywhere else in the continent, this one was a sober affair. Ok, Tory-boy and I dutifully drank our beers and shouted a bit at the screen, its in the contract. But there were, approximately 6 people actually bothered about the match sufficiently to look. What were we to do? Who could we heckle? Abuse? Insult? Hurl chairs and bottles at?? Then I realised that its not because the Greeks don’t like football, we know they do. And the others at the bar; Russians, French, Germans, Americans, Italians, weren’t watching because Mykonos is an island famous for its gayness. And gays don’t do football. Its in the rule book. Whilst straight kids did extra football practice, the gay ones were doing a voluntary course in interior design. And you can’t hurl chairs and bottles at gays because that’s homophobic. And they’d only re-cover the chairs with something more Mediterranean-appropriate and put scented candles in the bottles anyway.

I’m not the biggest England fan in the world. Otherwise instead of being on a beach in Mykonos I’d be in a hospital in Marseilles recovering. But unlike England teams of the last 10 years, I kind’a like this one. Lots of Spurs players and no-one really obnoxious other than Rooney but I’m forgiving him for his past sins. Slowly. So an England win could only be a good thing. But a Welsh win would also have been good because Wales are Gareth Bale. And even though he’s recently descended in the inevitable pre-match Anglophobic bollocks, I still just love watching him play. If he was a bit more beautiful I’m sure the gay guys would have watched it too, but alas you can’t have everything in life.

Tragedy about Jo Cox, total tragedy. Even ultra-left Corbinite Hamas-lovers don’t deserve that. Interestingly though, the murderer was mentally unbalanced. No surprise there given the sheer brutality of the attack. What was really unusual was that he had a gun. If 5% (out’a no-where, just a speculative number) of any population is mentally unstable, would you want them armed, as they would, quite legally be, in America? Hmmmm…

RIP Jo Cox. What a horror for her lovely, young family.

Happy but sad Friday

A xxxx

I’m sixty. Holy shit. How does that even happen? Seemingly impossible and yet… and yet… one day you’re a young Turk (trying to get into Europe; eating kebabs, slaughtering Kurds…) and the next you get a message from the government offering you all kinds of benefits as befits someone your age. SOMEONE YOUR AGE!!!! Gotta say it louder.

So the travel pass comes, which is wonderful. I get free eye tests. That’s eye-ronic (old man type pun). And I get free medications. If fucking only. My main regret as I formally enter old age is that I’M NOT ON ANY STINKING MEDS, so where’s the benefit? I’ve asked for a cash alternative but they haven’t replied yet.

But first and foremost I’d like to offer my sincere and profound thanks to Theo Paphitis. He’s an Anglo-Greek, or a Greko-angle, I’m not sure. Greek bloke on Dragon’s Den. Rich. Owns Robert Dyas and Rymans and a few other downmarket, 1970s type retailers that still perform remarkably well, even though no-one ever admits to shopping there.

Theo runs a scheme, because he’s a canny retailer, of incentivising his managers. If they meet their target they get an all expenses holiday in the sun. Really nice, upmarket, non-Robert-Dyas type trip. Posh. In Mykonos. In fact to our resort. About a hundred pale and pasty Brits, a touch overweight, ranging up to ‘fuck me she’s MASSIVE!!’ and suitably tattooed as any representative group of Brits abroad should be.

And he spoils them. The managers from (judging by the accents), The Wirral, East Manchester, South Wolverhampton, West Wales, Central Glasgow, Lower Exeter, Upper Portsmouth and Bromley-by-Bow are all here. Among others. They drink all day and party all night. All on Theo. And last night was their gala whatever. We came down to take the shuttle into Mykonos Town for our celebratory dinner and wen’t to the bar for a drink. But the area had been taken over by Rymans. You could buy a stapler but not a drink. Well, it was open but they were busy pouring champagne for Theo’s gang. So I approached the barman and, whilst helping myself to a few glasses of champagne, informed him it was our anniversary. Which he didn’t understand but seemed happy for us to celebrate the sale of another 500 reams of high grade A4.

After that the waiter just kept coming over to re-fill us. 6 of us. We must have got through about 3 bottles before heading off for dinner. So thanks, Theo. My favourite dragon. Not that I could name another.

Happy birthday

A xxxx

Ok, so Brexit is winning. Should the polls be believed. And can we believe them? After the last general election when they all got it tragically, diabolically wrong? No, of course we can’t, they’re all tossers. Mainly because people lie when polled. And as the polls are used by all parties before any election to try and influence votes (‘you wouldn’t wanna vote for the losing side; would’ja?’ or ‘now come on, they are winning, we need YOU to help US!’) and are, in essence, just more meaningless statistics, we should always lie to pollsters. To keep them discredited and keep elections about the voter and his conscience. Without influence from overpaid number crunchers. Or from The Sun, with their very impartial and unbiased headline yesterday of: “BE-LEAVE”.

Yet it would appear that the leavers are winning. In no small part because Labour have decided that for something this important its probably best to let the Tories just fight it out among themselves. Comrade Corbyn is a leaver in remainer’s clothes. Which look about as good on him as all his other clothes; ill-fitting, out-of-date and uncomfortable.

So the Cameroonies, the now-panicking remain team, have gone to plan B.

Plan A was: scare the shit out of the electorate about how we’ll all die in a nuclear attack, economically if not literally, should we leave Europe. Didn’t work. Mainly because no-one knows but also because everyone saw it as just sensationalist lies and speculation.

Okay; hit them with plan B then. Send in the Chancellor! He’s scary. And he’ll tell us that the second we leave the EU he’s gonna tax the shit out of us. Even more than he already taxes the shit out of us now. Income tax UP, inheritance tax UP, fuel duty UP (we just don’t care and would hardly notice), alcohol duty UP: FUCK ME THAT WOULD BE A CATASTROPHE!!!!! On a national scale. Its like Cameron has ‘the ten plagues of Brexit’ lined up. And there’s still time for 8 more.

Gareth Bale has ‘done an Andy Murray’ and become an England hater/baiter. “Wales are better than England” is fine. What’s he gonna say? We’re a bunch of sheep-shagger progeny totally dependent on two decent players and a team spirit consolidated in the Gay Bars of Swansea? So we can forgive that. Then comes: “no England player would make it into the Welsh squad!!” Well of course not, Gareth, they’re not Welsh, wouldn’t be allowed. Oh, you mean ‘on merit’. Well that’s not such a clever statement really.

Its our anniversary today. 30 years. FUCK. ME. Where’d it go???

Happy anniversary

A xxxx

Good news in yesterday’s paper for all cholesterol sufferers. A miracle almost. What has previously been thought of as ‘bad’ cholesterol, the LDL stuff, that’ll ‘kill you deader than dead in no time’ that required 90% of men over 35 to take statins, that was the ‘heart attack waiting to happen’, has now been shown in a new light.

Yes, scientists (not sure if its the same ones who initially stated all of the above or different ones, and if so if they’re better ones or more stupid ones) have now shown that this ‘bad’ cholesterol is now a thing of such amazing benefit that its presence will actually prevent, yes, PREVENT heart disease, as well as cancer and even cataracts. I mean… I mean… I mean my previous levels of ‘slightly raised’ cholesterol, seen as something of a minor problem, watch what’cha eat, no need for meds, yet!, kind’a thing, should now be seen as a big problem. McDonalds is the new kale. Eat fat; the more processed the better. Load up on greasy shit as often as possible.

I actually think that this is simply more proof of my 2 overriding facts of scientific cynicism.

1. You can prove ANYTHING you fucking want to with statistics.
2. Scientists know absolutely fuck all about anything. Or rather, they know a staggeringly amazing amount about everything; that’ll all be wrong by tomorrow. Thursday at the latest.

So I’m in the process of re-living the Atkins dream, and remember Atkins himself, the inventor of the ‘eat all the fat you want and watch the pounds simply fall off diet’, died very young of heart issues. Which, for a tragedy, has a poetic justice all over it.

Spare a thought for those poor boys at Goldman Sachs. They’re too busy making money to have their cholesterol checked. And whilst making money in 2008, by the ‘shitload’ (the only unit they ever deal in at GS) one of their deals was with the Libyans. Their investment team. When Libya was still almost viable and hadn’t degenerated into a lawless, ungovernable shipwreck of bomb-site of its post-Gadaffi years. And apparently some government officials were ‘entertained’ by GS at the Ritz Carlton in Monaco and ‘prostitutes were employed’!!!!! Wow, bank providing ‘benefits’ to people they’re schmoozing up! Whatever next? Days at the track? Box at Old Trafford!!! The deal was eventually worth $370million to the bank. Shame the hookers weren’t on a bonus package. Next thing they’ll be saying how the Libyans were forced to drink alcohol against all their religious beliefs.

Happy Tuesday

A xxxx