What a lovely picture in today’s paper, taken at an event in Beverley Hills ‘to protect the world’s oceans’. How noble is that? You’d expect the picture to contain people in scuba gear, holding spear guns with which they could fend off Japanese Whalers, Chinese rhino-horn poachers (what? rhinos don’t live in the sea?? no shit…), ozone depleters and people who drive gas-guzzling cars. And other bad types. But no. This was a posh do. Probably (guessing here) to raise money. And Beverley Hills isn’t on the ocean anyway.

The picture showed Carly Simon, Jane Fonda and Melanie Griffith. Allegedly. Because you’d never know it by looking at them. They looked (and dressed) like 3 teenagers. Wearing death masks. How tragic. Maybe its written into the oceanic protection rules that you should never knowingly not have cosmetic surgery performed at every possible opportunity.

Jane Fonda looks great. For a woman of 117. She even looks vaguely like Jane Fonda, sort of. Whereas Melanie Griffith doesn’t look like Jane Fonda at all. Nor, unfortunately, much like Melanie Griffith.

But Carly Simon.

Carly Simon.

Like every other red-blooded (nothing homophobic about that phrase at all) male fortunate enough to get a copy of Carly Simon’s eponymous album when they were about 14 years old, I fell madly, deeply, passionately in love with the album cover. There again, most 14 year old boys fall ‘in love’ approximately 47 times an hour. Anyone will do; the girl at the bus stop, a picture on a poster, dinner ladies at school, its a hormone problem endemic in the species and is often associated with a chronic inability to walk past any mirror without staring in it until someone shouts at you. Who’s so vain?

But Carly now is this reconstructed blond thing and I could just cry. But since I had my eyes done my tear ducts no longer function properly along with 3/4 of my facial nerves. Small price to pay for beauty.

Wheres hero of the week (read: total fucking NOB!) is Christopher Philips. He’s a kick boxing coach. Who dressed up in full Ku Klux Klan regalia and carried out an execution. Of a golliwog. Remember golliwogs? Not content with merely perpetrating this cruel (and some would probably say totally fucking pointless) act, he had the presence of mind to film it and put it on youtube. Thus will Wolverhampton’s finest member of the ‘West Midlands Infidels’ enter her majesty’s prison system. And have to reply to the hardened jailbirds’ questions of what he’s in for by admitting to murdering a child’s toy.

I never said the world made sense.

 

Happy friday

 

A xxxx