My body’s a temple. And by all rights should actually look like one. Squat, solid, hefty, round and bulbous. But it doesn’t. I look like a god. Or a dog. Or any anagram of those three letters. By virtue of fortuitous genes, a high metabolism or both. Or that the medical profession are a lying bunch of delusional scare-mongering pseudo-nutritionist tossers intent on depriving humanity of one of its very few true pleasures: food. Or, more precisely (of this week’s special health-scare offer): sugar.

Some Aussie (how fucking typical is that, then?) has written a book saying that sugar will kill ya. Yeah, if you hit someone over the head with a bag of it, sure. But he’s saying it’ll kill you by eating it. And if not exactly kill you outright, will ruin your life, adversely affect your children’s health, wellbeing, education, blah, blah, blah, and leave everyone fat slow and lethargic. As if that’s a bad thing. What better state for a generation intent on never looking any farther than the nearest screen (usually held in the hand for easy access and viewing) than to be rendered immobile. Keeps them focussed. Stops them wriggling round.

My first thought, when hearing of this heresy, and being a spiritual and G-d-fearing type, was ‘well, He wouldn’t have created sugar if it was bad for us, would He???’

Then I learned that He in fact didn’t. It was created in the 1970s by some farmers in Iowa or Kentucky or somewhere flat, cornish and so deadly boring that they have to invent stuff all the time just to keep from falling asleep. So they invented fructose syrup, from maize. God did the other one, glucose. But we love fructose because they put it in everything and we’re all addicted to it.

But the Aussie (bastard)’s point is not that we heap sugar in our tea (“yeah, 5 sugars in mine, ta very much”) or eat sugar in known things, like… er… sugar and cakes and sweets, but that this evil substance is in everything in vast quantities. Breakfast cereals are loaded with it, ketchup is full of it, salad dressings, bagels (of all things), and lots of stuff we regularly eat unaware that its massively laden with fructose.

And fructose is bad. Aussie Boy said so. Did lots of study and probably used lots of statistics to ‘prove’ that sugar is everywhere and very bad. Except in his house where there is absolutely none. So don’t bother going round there for tea.

You can prove anything with statistics. Well, you can 93% of the time. I’ve dabbled in the dark art of mathematical manipulation myself on occasion. The Andy Formula.

Football team supported x birthweight in kg x number of siblings called Mary/ proximity to Arsenal Football ground + (alchohol units consumed per week)squared = The bastard factor.

Anyway. We can’t eat fats any more. Well, poly-saturated unsaturated ones are ok, unsaturated-poly-saturated ones will kill you dead. So best be safe. And if they take away sugar as well then McDonalds will have nothing left to sell but salt.

You should do what I do and follow the Cadbury’s diet. It works. All the chocolate you can cram into your face every day and you’ll lead a healthy, happy life.

They’ll be telling us soon that exercise is bad for us. Or smoking, cocaine, crystal meth. Trust me, they know nothing but just make it up as they go along.

Slap a doctor today,

 

happy very very wet Sunday

 

A xxxx