Twerking, in case you were wondering, is a form of artistic expression. Female artistic expression generally but I don’t think its one of those gender exclusive things like throwing a ball or parking a car or ironing a shirt or having a greater than 1 in 250 chance of chairing a Footsie 100 company. But as it involves the jiggling, gyrating, rotating, thrusting and wiggling of buttocks its generally not something most men are properly equipped for. Though we often have a family twerk after dinner on friday nights, in the kitchen. Just the family, maybe a couple of friends, and my dad comes over too so he’ll have a go too. Even though he’s 88 and retwired years ago. A twerkers collective.

Anyone can do it. Not just Miley fucking Cirus. Nor Rhianna.

And we don’t mind twerking. The Goddess Beyonce has been doing it for years and other than dribbling over the tv, its caused very little social unrest or civil wars. Its dancing. What’s the problem? Why all the fuss??

Because Annie Lennox, frosty Scottish tart with a voice like an angel, (playing with my heart; di do di do di do di dooooo diiiii dooo…) has criticised Miley for being a poor role model for her (Annie’s) children. She’s worried her 7 year old will start twerking up against little Billy Bashful’s groin in Quiet Time and have to sit in the Naughty Corner. Or the Twerky Corner, as its now referred.

But that’s because Annie was probably raised in that fiercely protestant Scottish Presbyterian manner which inhibited things like twerking. And smiling. And decent goalkeeping. Whereas now children aren’t raised by the church, they’re raised by tv. Worse in America than here. And the Disney channel has much to answer for.

Its called Britney Syndrome. In which a teeny star renowned for being cutesy and sacchariney and bunchy-haired and killer-smiley by aaaallllllll of America, reaches 16 and turns into a drug-crazed whore. Overnight. There is no cure. Even shaving their head can’t help the afflicted. One day its the Mickey Mouse Club the next its Hit me Baby one more Ti-ime. And the Toxic video in which she simulates shagging everyone on a flight. Great video. Sorry, disgraceful video.

From sweet starlet to sleazy harlot. The metamorphosis is complete.

Miley was Hannah Montana. A really sweet (sickening) little girl, feisty (precocious) and ‘smart’ (gobby). People loved her. Others wanted to wipe that perpetual grin off…

Anyway. Hannah was sweet, they’re all fucking sweet, and sang songs with her daddy and it was yet another American dream. Then she reached 18 and decided it was time to start sticking her ass out at every opportunity. Who can blame her? Its something all of us have wanted to do, Miley was just being honest with herself. Her twerky self. Oh, and taking her clothes off all the time as well.

Some call it pornography (that’d be Annie Lennox) others call it ‘empowerment’ and ‘control of their own bodies’ (that’d be the record companies desperate to sell more vinyl/downloads/cds, to which end any publicity is good publicity.)

To re-write an old joke just for Annie; (MUST be read in a scottish accent): what’s the difference between MTV and Walt Disney? MTV make pornographic videos and Walt Disney.

 

Happy twerking day

 

A xxxx