When flight MH370 went missing I learned that 270 Chinese people had disappeared along with it. They’re still missing. And although there’s certainly plenty more Chinese left in the world, particularly in China… doh… this is not only a general tragedy but a deep personal one for me. Because as a student of Tai Chi (you’re always a student, even when you’re 90 years old and been doing it since you were 3 and you’ve got 26 black belts and can knock a house down just by staring at it for 2 seconds) I’m affiliated to the Chinese way, to their philosophy, their karma, their yin and yang and, in particular, to sweet and sour dumplings in beef broth (number 43).

But as my path in Tai Chi continues, I’m constantly amazed at its ‘wholeness’. At the fact that all the actions have a purpose, every move, every step, every knee-bend, every kvetch, has behind it an intrinsic necessity in the application of that act when used as a strike, as a block, as defence, attack, passive, aggressive. And every act has its own ‘yin and yang’ in the way part of you yields whilst another is powerful. Every move starts from being relaxed and supple, never braced and tense. Quite incredible, the power of that softness.

Because Tai Chi Chuan is known as an ‘internal martial art’. Which is perfect for jews because we’re so good at beating ourselves up we might as well do it properly. Though I’m not sure that’s the true, ancient Chinese meaning. Here the ‘internal’ refers to the power of the mind and how it can channel energy. Rather than ‘tai chi; shmai chi’ kind of thing.

Grant Schapps, the Conservative party chairman should have gone to tai chi instead of tweeting classes. He’d be a better person for it. In the wake of the budget, Mr Schapps, a one time successful businessman, though oddly, under a different name (nothing dodgy about that then, your Honour), tweeted that with a penny (a fucking penny!!!! the most worthless coin on the planet) off the price of a pint of beer and tax relief on Bingo, ‘the working man is pretty well sorted’.

In Tai Chi we call such an exponent of this type of statement a ‘fucking tossssssserrrrrr’ because it is possibly the most misguided, shamefully stereotying and horrendously patronising sentiment ever to leave a Tory’s mind. And believe me, they have a long and brutal history of patronising.

As if working men only need beer and bingo and they’re happy as Larry. As if their inability to pay for heating, buy school uniforms or get a job is way secondary to a pint and shouting ‘HOUSE!!!!!’ very loudly at the Kilburn Palais.

I can do patronising, its my job as a cynical satirist. (Oddly, also known as a ‘tossssserrrr’). But Grant Schapps can’t; he’s a whole other kettle of political fishiness. And his yin has been dissociated from his yang in a very brutal manner.

Be at peace.

If not, kick the shit out of someone today.

Happy Friday

A xxxx