Its out.
The movie.
We’ve all been waiting.
And now its here.
O.
M.
G!!!

If I’m honest, (which I generally try to be unless I choose not to be or there’s some financial gain to be made by not being), and being a true movie lover, I intend to go and see 50 Shades of Grey, the movie. Just as soon as hell freezes over.

Though I did read the book. On the basis that everyone else in the house (all women) had read it and it was lying around. And it was such pure, unadulterated shit that I immediately read the next two parts. Otherwise I’d started feeling a little left out of conversations. And always needing to get in touch with my feminine side. The side where I keep my tits.Yet until then, not my nipple-clamps.

Yet I felt it my duty to read EL James’ offerings, if nothing else (and quite frankly, there is very little else) to see what all the fuss was about. And the fuss was about the semi-erotic, midly pornographic (everything is ‘mild’ after you’ve been to www.chainsaw-up-the-jacksy.com) chic lit that’s USP is that its heavy on domination, S&M, as it once was, now BDSM, in honour of a particularly good driving school.

And for the uninitiated, its yer basic, formulaic love story. Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love with girl. Girl falls in love with boy. Boy introduces girl to pain, bondage, whips, butt plugs and mild electric currents. Girl says: ‘fuck dat for a game’a soldiers’ and runs away with her tail nailed to the coffee table. Boy chases after girl, pleading ‘it was all a big mistake; I luuuurrrrrve you almost as much as I love my rather brutal collection of leather-bound, metal-studded dildos. Please come: back/home/to the ball/away with me/to the red room of pain/whatever.’ Girl takes out a restraining order preventing boy from coming within 500 metres.

But the boy in question is really special. Really, REALLY special. Not only is he stunningly beautiful and richer than any other 7 tax avoiders combined, he has immaculate taste, he is generous, intelligent and can bring a woman to orgasm from just by lifting a single eyebrow at a distance of 50 yards. He is POTENT. So NO, this is not just some woman’s fantasy figure of male perfection because that would be a little too Prince Charming. So let’s give him a near-fatal flaw. Just a little one.

He likes to torture women. But being an uber-mensch, only with their consent. Bless him.So really, the book (and presumably the film though I’m never going to know) is about consent. Not just brutal sex. If it was just that we might as well follow the Dominique Strauss-Kahn trial in Lilles. Where he reckons that ‘he might just be a little more brutal in bed than most men’. Well he’s not more brutal than Christian Grey. But only with signed and notarised consent.

Its all a load of bollocks. Which are then clamped in a vice and stabbed with a soldering iron. Eeeuuuuwwww.

Happy perverse Friday (but ain’t they all?)

A xxxx