Every time there’s an Olympic games new sports seem to arrive, be included, get invented. Last time it was tennis. Never previously olympicised, now part of the games. Before that was basketball. Might as well just give an extra gold medal to America and save the air fares. This year they’re introducing golf and rugby sevens. Golf. Chess was rejected. Next time possibly karate.

It used to be so easy. If the Romans did it; runnin’, throwin’ spears, hurling heavy things, jumpin’, shootin’, ridin’ horses, Greco-Roman homoerotica, then it was ‘olympic’. If they didn’t; darts, fucking golf, Pokemon Go, then it wasn’t. But it went further. The Olympics was strictly amateur. No professionals allowed. Back in Chariots of Fire days you could be disqualified for having a paid coach. Nowadays its Ferrari City in Olympic-land and they even have football. So they’ve reached beyond the point of ‘no soul required’.

I loved the ideal of beating your body to shit and back for absolutely no financial gain whatsoever. For the sport. I loved that. Long as it wasn’t me doing it. Personally, I won’t get in the shower in the morning without a sponsorship deal from Showergel. Then they start to allow a little ‘expenses’ cash to change hands and the next thing the tv rights have gone Satellite and no self-respecting participant will piss in a bottle for less than £50k.

The only worthwhile addition to the Olympics of late is beach volleyball. Only the women’s.

They now want to get jousting accepted as an Olympic Sport. Why? Well, because some people like it and its really skilful. So is pick-pocketing. Or washing the dishes. And jousting is like, really ‘old’. Just like the Olympics itself. Maybe they should have ‘witch-hunting’ as an Olympic sport? Bring out the ducking stools. Well, that’s old and its certainly fun to watch. Much more so than golf.

I’m actually happy with jousting. Its like a Knight’s Tale all over again. And I dearly love that film. But I think the world’s ‘big sports’ like golf, like football, basketball and tennis, which already get excessive coverage on tv, just shouldn’t be there. Let someone else have a turn. Like Sir Ulrich.

And if they accept chess as an olympic ‘sport’ (they have applied), then I’m going to get bridge in there too. An equally brilliant spectator sport (zzzzzzzzzzz).

Happy Olympic Ideals

A xxxx