OMGeeeeeee!!!!! Book flights now (Coronavirus notwithstanding) and let’s GO! It’s amazing. It’s the most… amazing (did I say that?), incredible, sensational, amazing (?), fantabulously incredulously stupendifying thing EVERRRRRR!!! And it opens in May. We just MUUUUUST go. Cancel plans, tell work, put the breast implants on hold for a month, leave the liposuction for this year, go heavy on the Botox and we’re going to Tyra Banks’s ModelLand!!!!! In LA!!!! Where we can be… MODELS!!!!! for a day. Or maybe even get ‘scouted’ while we’re there and stay forever!!!!! Once they see my potential, see that under 30 or 35 (ok, 42) unnecessary kilos, which I can lose in a minute, I have a beauty which only a catwalk could really do justice to. Ok, it’ll have to be a stronger catwalk than they need for the Bella Hadids of this world, but its America!!!! And they teach you how to model!!! Like, probably, both standing and, wait for it… WALKING!!!! OMG this is outrageous. I just can’t wait. We’ll need some ‘cover-up’ due to that annoying acne which, my doctor tells me, is ‘Pizza induced’. What rubbish. So I’ve bought the 5 litre economy bottle. And they do your MAKE UP!!! And hair!!! Like, professionally!!! And only costs $549 for the whole day!!! Or, for just $1495 they give you photos, orange juice (sorry: ‘signature blood orange beverage’!!) and a robe. I can be Claudia Schiffer for the day! Even though I look like Tyson Fury. But with a really great pout. Especially since my lip-filler has subsided from the ‘two Cumberland sausages on a plate’ look it first had. The girl in Tescos who did it told me it’d take a while to settle.
LA here we come!!!!

But I think its really healthy to take advantage of young women’s desperation for the celebrity lifestyle and aspirations of unattainable narcissistic goals. I’d be Zoolander for a day. Why not?

How long before no-one in the world is allowed to leave their homes because of Coronavirus? Hit squads dressed in surgical protective suits roaming the streets shooting anyone who moves. It’s getting scary.

Happy Wednesday

A xxxx