Hello Britain… well I should say ‘hello England’ because for the purposes of this wonderfully simple, completely uncomplicated and totally lacking in confusion statement, we need to separate ourselves from our family of nations who seem to think that Patty Peroxide in Edinburgh, somebody Welsh and the current incarnation of Lucifer’s sister in Belfast, can do a better job than we can. So fuck ‘em. It’s every man, woman and Devil for themselves.

YOU!, the people of England, have done a fantastic job of isolating, of distancing, of being sensible and observant. So good a job that the all-important ‘R’ number, for the reproduction of the virus, has positively plummeted below the magic number ‘1’. It now is 0.5. To 0.9. No-one’s really sure about that. Nor, if I’m honest, how, precisely, they work it out. Quite frankly, statisticians working within +/- 50% are not worth the extra-marital affairs they may choose to have.

But we’re all doing so well that we can now change the current status from DON’T FUCKING DO NUFFINK!! to the more relaxed DON’T FUCKING DO HARDLY ANYTHING!!!

In the lockdown, only those that couldn’t work at home were allowed to go in to work. Whereas now, we’ve positively eased that situation to allow people who wish to go to work to do so. As long as that work is at least 2 metres from someone else’s work. And doesn’t involve food, drink, hospitality, sport, retail, wholesale, buying anything, selling anything or doing anything productive whatsoever in any part of the economy.

So those who can go to work, now should do so. But under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should they use public transport. Better to stay at home. Though we are now actively encouraging everybody who can do so safely, to return to work. Preferably from home. Though you may walk to work. Or cycle. Even drive. Pretty much like you were before. But more so. Just don’t use buses. Trains. Trams. Tubes.

So as you can see, we are slowly easing ourselves back to normality, whilst maintaining a policy of being scared shitless about absolutely everything. To protect the NHS.

And furthermore we’re hoping for even more good news in the weeks to come.

Keep up the good work, England.

Ideally from home.

But you may go in.

Better not to.

I hope that clarifies everything.

Boris
Xxxx