Ok, so this is how you decorate a bedroom. You choose curtains. Takes, approximately, 2 years. If I’m honest, I left ‘most’ of this to Mel. Partly because I’m simply not fussy (I have one rule: no flower designs. Love flowers, hate florals), some might say ‘barely even care and one week after fitting wouldn’t be able to identify the design from a choice of 2’. And partly because I trust my wife’s judgment. In most cases. Some cases. A few. Ok, I trust her judgment about curtains. Possibly lampshades.

So we have our curtains chosen and being made. Now we can ‘co-ordinate’ the rest of the room. Yippie-yiy-ayyy. So we need paint. And thus ensues the square dance. In which little squares of loads of different colours, shades and depths just ‘appear’ on the walls. Most of which are ‘too dark’, ‘too light’ or ‘too pink’. And this continues until Dulux, Crown, Farrow & Ball and Little Green have run out of colours and its reached the point where if I stand still to put my pants on, I’ll have a square on my back in ‘Sunset Harmony’ before my testicles are settled. But eventually after a great deal of work and square paining by Mel and even more ‘FFS!!!!’ from me, The Colour! is chosen. The decorator arrives, spends 5 days applying The Colour, not just to the walls but also to the woodwork, wardrobes, skirtings, because that was ‘the look’ that ‘we’ wanted.

The day it was finished Mel hated it. I have no idea why, my aesthetic conceptualisation chip is broken. But she fucking hated it. ‘Sunburst Morning Yellow’ became ‘vomit and pus yellow’. ‘Aardvarks at the watering hole green’ became ‘road kill shit’ and was a source of anxiety and upset for my wife. (2 days had long passed so I’d stopped noticing).

A few weeks later we re-entered squaresville. That mysterious twilight zone where little coloured squares start appearing. And eventually we found a new ‘The Colour!’. Obviously a very different one. Not a sunburst or aardvark in site. And not willing to go to the not inconsiderable expense of getting the decorator back…

How’s your Easter weekend going? Onto the second coat yet?

Happy Paint-splattered Saturday

A xxxx