Today the esteemed Master Joseph Conway Bell reaches the immense milestone of his first birthday. Yesterday he was ‘zero’, today he is 1. The difference is marked. Yet really, every day is a milestone at that kind of age. He dribbles a bit less. Ok, not much but a bit. He crawls faster, stands more, walks one more step before- JOEYYYYY!!!! and is generally more able, stronger, bigger, better with each passing second. Yesterday’s meaningless babble is today’s proto-word construction. Though only in the ears of a parent/grandparent. And every day is a celebration of life. His life, my life, everyone’s life laid bare by the wonder of Jojo. And he DOES say ‘Lila’, after a fashion, and he does say ‘Pa-pa’ and he does say ‘dis’ quite a lot, and he even says ‘Dominic Cummings is a total tosser’. No, really, he does.

Because even at 1 year old, Joey is bright enough to realise the inevitable. The blatantly obvious. That which hardly needs saying. Dominic Cummings is a tosser. BUT, and this is a fairly big ‘but’, he is Boris Johnson’s tosser. And thus the PM found nothing in Dom-gate to show his mate and ally acted in any way other than ‘responsibly, legally and with integrity’. A statement like that would, in normal political times, mean ‘gone by tomorrow, history by Wednesday, forgotten by Friday’. But normal times these ain’t.

From my own perspective, I couldn’t give a shit where Dominic Cummings is at any given time. Little interests me less. Ok, possibly golf, but not much else. Boris said Dom went to Durham ‘for the safety of his child!!’ Which is obviously bollocks. Also, Dom is basically in charge of the entire country. Boris won’t sneeze without the man’s approval. Except when he had coronavirus but only because he was given a special exemption.

And there’s the rub. Dominic Cummings, through various mouthpieces; the PM, Health Secretary, top medical advisers, told us to ‘stay put and go nowhere’. Legality is irrelevant, it was all about ‘the nation pulling together by doing what its told to do’.

Roman emperors willingly sacrificed their own children for any semi-legit cause; wars, gods, raffles, whatever. I’m not suggesting Dom should have done the same, I’m just sayin’.

But it wasn’t about the child. It was about making his life a bit more comfortable and easy than if he’d stayed in London. And I don’t know Mrs Dominic at all but if she’s as ‘human’ as her husband then that child has no fucking chance whatsoever anyway.

You can’t set the rules and then be seen acting in direct opposition to them. Then you become a hypocrite. You create a ‘you and us’ situation; the cans and can’ts. Which is wrong.

I don’t think Dominic should be sacked; what’s the point? But an admission by someone (him, Boris, Joey, anyone) that he was wrong, some remorse perhaps, would at least remove some of the horrible arrogance which is now becoming associated with the whole affair.

Happy Birthday, JoJo
xxxx