Jermain Defoe, the (for the moment) Sunderland striker, is hiring a PA. An assistant. To help him run his life. I’m almost kind’a hoping that the first task of his newly appointed Person Friday will be to get him back to Spurs. Where he was. Twice before. And where, really, he belongs. Not necessarily where his heart lies. That’s in a numbered account in Switzerland. Probably next door to Sepp Blatter’s.

But Jermaine is rich, he’s famous and he has placed an ad for a Miss Moneypenny, for a Pepper Potts, for someone to help organise his busy schedule and pick up his dry cleaning. And so much more. Lots more.

For a mere 60 grand a year (its what he’s offering) he wants all of the above, sort out the mansion (which has both discotheque and hair salon, of course), become a bit of a Bilko in charge of his motor pool, service the dogs, wash the Warhols, do a Nigella in the kitchen, become his own private Ocado and possibly clean his football boots.

On top of all this, he wants to become a ‘global brand’. Jermain Defoe Inc. Complete with Facebook and other social media tie-ins. In short: he wants to be the next Kardashian. But smaller. Perfumes, ranges of clothes, perhaps music (well, he likes music, I’m guessing; how hard can it be to ‘get involved at the highest level’?). Maybe politics. He can’t spell ‘Conservative’ but would be ok with the Greens or UKIP.

JD (as the ‘brand’ will be known) scored a hat-trick for Sunderland last night. Probably just to impress the applicants for his job. Then he was led away by his posse of bodyguards, his agents, stylists, publicists, spokesmen and their assistants to his private jet to take him 40 miles home. Because that’s what being a global brand involves.

Oh, and the assistant must be female and she if she’s not better looking than Tom Cruise’s PA then don’t bother applying.

Come back to Spurs, Jermain, and I’ll be your PA.

Happy Wednesday

A xxxx