So Covid came. And then… (pause for dramatic effect), it MUTATED!!! Into a ‘variant’. Which is pretty much ‘same shit different day’ but its called a variant because its slightly modified whilst being fundamentally the same. Viruses evolve. Very quickly. They do the evolutionary equivalent of ‘monkeys to men’ in about 9 days. (He says with such definitive authority that no-one will doubt the scientific research involved in such a statement which I made up whilst peeling my banana.) So a new ‘strain’ is more contagious or, as the virus calls it, ‘more successful’. Thus becomes ‘dominant’. Then we give it a name.

Which is easy-peasy. Just name it after the place where ya found it. Oh, that was in Kent? Fine, its the ‘Kent Variant’. That’s official. What! Another one??? In South Africa, and another in Brazil?? Ok, we’ll go to the official government Department of Naming Viruses, its on Whitehall, number 33, and get the Secretary of State for Virus Nomenclature to produce suitable titles. And they came up with the rather catchy ‘B.1.351’ and P.1’. You can see why they get paid so well. Yet despite all that work and effort in producing names, the people not yet infected by these strains, and the press, insisted on calling them ‘the South African variant’ and ‘the Brazilian variant’. The ministry was not happy.

So when the Indian variant came along, obviously the last thing they were prepared to call it was ‘the Indian variant’, that would be completely unsatisfactory. It’s positively prejudicial. Against India. And against variants. Unacceptable. And might possibly result in the closure of our Department. So they changed tack.

Lest anyone should consider holding Indians in any way responsible for the spread of their variant, we are going to give all variants Greek letters and append them accordingly. Thus, shall the viral variant, formerly referred to as ‘the Indian variant’, being the 4th in its class, shall be called… (errrr… beta… no, alpha’s first… what the fuck comes next… ask a Greek… oh gamma… and then… DELTA!!! Got it) The Delta Variant!!!

So now, on the news, they speak frequently of this ‘thing’. Always thus: ‘The Delta Variant, which originated in India’. Every single time.

Well done, Department for Virus Naming, a bloody good week’s work. You can all take the next 14 days off on full pay and go to Portugal. Or Delhi. Which we’re now calling Delta.

Happy Wednesday

A xxxx