Watford have been promoted. I couldn’t be happier if… if… if I appeared on today’s Rich List. I couldn’t be happier if my neighbour’s dog stopped shitting in my sodding garden. I couldn’t… Actually, although I feel for Watford, many fans of which are personal acquaintances, it doesn’t really make me HAPPY happy. Just, kind of, ‘oh, Watford are coming up, yeah, fine’, kind of happy. And all by virtue of Middlesboro’ losing at Fulham.

So now all eyes (well, mine) are on tomorrow night as Bournemouth play Bolton. If Bournemouth win, they’ll get automatic promotion too and Boro will have to endure the horrendous trial of ‘the play-offs’. Though in theory they could still get automatic promotion if Bournemouth beat Bolton but lose their remaining game by 17 goals. Or more. Never say ‘never’.

And what if Bournemouth only draw with Bolton? Or lose?? Then its all still wide open.

And when I say ‘all eyes are on Bournemouth’, there may be a few, just a couple, with an interest in today’s match at the Emirates. Where the Arse take on Chelsea. Which is the true battle between 1st and 2nd, even though Arsenal are currently 3rd. Because you can’t count Manchester City. Firstly they’ve played 2 games more, secondly they really didn’t deserve to beat Aston Villa yesterday (David Cameron’s team, unless he changes his mind to suit the situation) and thirdly, because I fucking hate them. Can’t get better reasons than that.

So we’ll consider it 1st vs 2nd for convenience. Amazingly, Wenger has never beaten Morinho. Obviously that refers to their teams, although I’d love to see those two slugging in out in a bitch-slapping, handbags-at-dawn, mano-a-mano event, unlikely to happen. (My money would be on Jose because you know he’d fight dirty).

This really is a tantalising prospect. Two top London teams, both vile and hateful in their own unique ways and both with fans you wouldn’t wish on anyone. But for different reasons. Arsenal’s are all smugness and superiority, intellectuals ‘advising’ everyone why their team is so wonderful and how trophies are meaningless symbols, useless metaphors for success but only in an ‘all that glitters’ kind of way that is, quite frankly, beneath their total brilliance. Whereas Chelsea’s fans are just a throwback to a 1970s era of sexism, racism, Stanley knives and knuckle-dragging, gang-raping, moronic criminal classes. And John Major.

And another Argentinian scored with his hand yesterday, in honour of the 29th anniversary of Diego Maradona’s goal against England. Well call Lamela’s the ‘hand of Dog’ goal. He’s certainly unworthy of any other label.

Happy Sunday

A xxxx