Living on a boat has its dangers. No doubt about that after this week’s happenings in Sicily. You can never be too careful. Waterspouts, pirates, submarine attack, you just never know. Hence my mate, The Boatman, who lives on a really fabulous house boat, has to be careful. Take precautions. Protect yourself. That’s why he had this little array of deadly weaponry on his kitchen table yesterday. Firstly to send me a photo, in case I’m in any doubt about his continuing need for therapy, and also because these are just his ‘surplus’. His proper armoury has all the good things, looked after by the boatswain, or the quartermaster, or any other of ‘the crew’. So this lot he wants to sell. He just needs to find another unarmed psychopath to take the lot off his hands.

However, someone walking past his boat on the towpath noticed. And wondered if this was a Russian incursion, a terrorist attack in preparation, world war 3 about to start, on the River Thames in the middle of nowhere, somewhere in western Oxfordshire. Being a ‘good Samaritan’, he called the police.

So as the boatman is having a cup of tea at lunchtime, 12 police cars arrived. Simultaneously. Coordinated. Out of which jumped 17 police officers. With guns. Drawn. “ARMED POLICE COME OUT NOW WITH YOUR HANDS UP!!!!”, they screamed, like they do on the telly, but, Alec Baldwin notwithstanding, this was with real bullets.

He grabbed a gun, put a knife in his belt, and ran on deck screaming and shooting, thinking that if he could just untie the vessel and cast off, he’d be ‘gone’! Although his vessel is way more house than boat and only goes at about 3mph. Which isn’t a problem unless you’re re-enacting Bonnie & Clyde.

Ok, he didn’t. The wimp. He put his hands up and walked out towards 22 policemen, 17 of them armed and ‘loaded’, and a dog. My mate wasn’t worried about the guns but was most concerned that they had little bag in case the doggy needed a poo.

He was handcuffed and put in a police car whilst they started their search. Which did yield loads more weaponry but alas, all legally allowed. Yes, air rifles and pistols, crossbows, all kosher. They found no nuclear warheads, ballistic missiles or Semtex, sacks of raw heroin or blocks of pure cocaine.

The did find a flick-knife. Just like my one. We bought them together, 43 years ago on a trip we made to France. And that is sooooo illegal that he was charged for possessing it. Everything else was fine. And for that he was in a cell for 10 hours.

Is it illegal to own a penis? Well why is it illegal to own a few weapons? They go together. With testicles comes a fascination with guns and knives. Ok, most men don’t go to such lengths to fulfil the fantasy, we’re happy with standing in front of the mirror saying: “you talking to ME???”

He’s free now. I’m his parole officer. And he had to promise not to invade anyone for at least 1 year.

Happy peaceful Saturday

A xxxx