The winner in the ‘New Runway’ competition (part 724) is… (pause for effect, like they do in bake-off)… is… HEATHROW!!!!! Oh, that’s brilliant!!! Isn’t it?

Well I’m first going to put on my ‘person living in London, thankfully nowhere near fucking Heathrow’ hat. Its a Spurs hat. I only have Spurs hats. And in that hat I’m very happy. I ‘love’ Heathrow (as much as you can love any sodding airport). Its near enough to be very accessible to all of London but far enough away that I can’t smell it or hear it. Oh, and its busy. Amazingly, alarmingly busy. The runways they have there work to total capacity. A plane takes off every 45 seconds (guessing here) from Heathrow. But not the same plane, obviously. Lots of different planes. So to create more capacity there simply has to be another runway.

Gatwick wanted the new runway too. Because then it could possibly increase its status from ‘that fucking awful hell-hole a zillion miles away that you sometimes just have no choice but to fly from’ to, ‘that fucking awful hell-hole… with an extra runway’. It doesn’t matter how many times you choose to call it ‘London Gatwick’, it ain’t in London, nor nowhere near. Might as well have ‘London-Manchester’.

Boris Johnson, when mayor, suggested building an island in the Thames and using that as our main airport. I rather liked that idea. Again because it was far enough away from me to be viable but near enough to be easily accessible. Unlike Gatwick. But because Boris is a tosser who spends most of his time in dreamland, it was never taken too seriously.

Then I change into my ‘eco-warrior, tree-hugging pragmatist’ hat. Its also a Spurs hat, but a different one. More pragmatic.

Heathrow is by miles the most expensive option. The runway will have to be built ‘uphill’ to lift it above the M25 at one end. And with the houses they need to demolish (only 800 of them… 800!!!) and families relocated, possibly to nice, quiet Gatwick area, the total cost could be 17 billion quid. For a runway. Couple miles of tarmac… some lamp-posts, rubble, foundation… yeah, 17 bil should cover it, Gov, you wanna proper invoice or ya payin’ cash?

If they sort out vertical take-off it would be so much easier. They could have a runway in my garden. The kitchen could be ‘terminal 1’ and Mel could do passport control before she goes swimming.

Ok, I lied about the ‘eco-warrior’ bit. If you’re talking about a runway, saving the planet from carbon emissions is a bit King Canute-ish, so I’ll leave that for now.

I personally reckon that if they get away with legal fees over the next decade of 17 billion they’ll be doing well. Just fighting for this monumental decision (that took just sooooooo fucking long to reach). Before the first brick is… errr… do you build a runway with bricks? No idea, never built one.

This ‘decision’ is not the end. Its just the beginning. Like so many before it.

Happy take-off

A xxxx