When you arrive at the Coliseum you do so with a pre-assembled cast of 42,000 people. At least 29,000 of whom are trying to sell you, in order of annoyance:

‘Beat the queue’ tickets, but the queue to buy those was way bigger than the one to get in.

Bottles of water. To whom I said: DO YOU NOT KNOW MY WIFE??? I COULD FUCKING SELL YOU WATER; WHAT DO YOU THINK I’M PULLING A WHEELBARROW FOR????

Selfie sticks. I’d rather die in a torture chamber.

Postcards, little plastic Coliseums-es (I bought 4 before Mel told me they weren’t going to be displayed in the lounge; but you can never have enough), hop on/off bus tickets (how do you think I fucking got here?), guided tours, tours with lunch, tours with extras, tours where you actually get to kill a Greek.

I kept asking who could get me in the ring with a sword and a lion, but no-one could deliver. Because swords aren’t allowed for health’n’safety reasons, lions are ten a penny.

If they banned hawkers the place would be so much more pleasant and less crowded.

But I love Rome, simply love it. Everywhere you look there’s like two thirds of a brick wall with 2 columns sticking out the top, one broken in half, and it dates back to 235BC. Well, that’s what they tell you. There’s an excavation by the Spanish Steps and one of the walls has ‘Made in China’ on it. Ok, I made that up, but you just don’t know.

And the Romans were just so civilised. They invented the Pimlico Plumbers. They invented central heating AND just like mine, Romulus could set the thermostat from his ‘smart-slave’, just press a button and its 10 degrees hotter before you actually arrive there. They invented excessive eating, politics, democracy and… and death. Ok, they didn’t invent it but they turned it into an art form. A spectator sport. The gorier the better. Even with 50,000 people inside it, there was never crowd violence at the Coliseum. Well, nothing that could possibly match that which was there for ‘entertainment’. I’ve just seen 14 Mesopotamians eviscerated with blunt instruments; wanna fight?

Such wonderful contradictions; Rome is full of them. The culture, the violence and, of course, the religion. Which is almost a combination of the first two but with God thrown in just to stir things up a bit.

If only someone here would realise that to cook food that isn’t ‘just’a like’a mamma used’a ta make’ is neither a slur on her name nor a disgrace to your national flag. Its called progress, originality, experimentation, its called DIFFERENT.

So where shall we go for spag.bol/pizza tonight? That is the only question.

Happy Saturday

A xxxx