Well, it had to happen. The Ashes started and then, just a few days later, it finished. The first test. Failed. Miserably. Leading, inevitably, to a national gloat-fest by the Aussies. Fair. We’d do the same. Just not as horribly. So now our only hope, as it always has been really, lies with Ben Stokes. Who is unfortunately on a ban for assault outside a pub in Bristol. So can’t play for England. And yet has just taken a flight to New Zealand carrying all his cricket stuff with him. Hmmmm, New Zealand, just a short ‘hop’ from Australia… hmmm…

Because the Bristol police are just about to announce whether he’ll be charged or not. And if he isn’t, and the ban can be lifted? He’d make the 2nd test, easy peasy. And then we might have a chance. So, dear police-people of the fair city of Bristol, can you drop the charges? Please?? Travesties of justice are what the police are all about, its not like its new or unheard-of, is it? Even though there’s that horrible video footage of him beating the shit out of those 2 guys, its not… errr… conclusive, in any meaningful way. THINK OF YOUR COUNTRY, FOR ONCE!!!!

Harry’s engaged. To Meg. Or, as they call her on the BBC, ‘Meghan Markle’. The full thing. They won’t call her just ‘Megan’, she’s soon to be a royal, so protocols dictate a level of respect precluding the ‘tu-toi’ familiarity. And ‘Ms Markle’ sounds like an Agatha Christie heroine who is 84 years old and wears a hat in bed, so they won’t do that. So in the meantime its ‘Meghan Markle’. Whilst we’re waiting for a princess-ship to become vacant. We may have to kill Eugenie.

Once they’re married they’ll get, from the Queen, another title. Just what every royal needs, more fucking titles. So they reckon Mr & Mrs Harry will become the Duke and Duchess of Sussex. Which doesn’t mean they’ll own Brighton or anything, in fact the title comes without land or property, so bit of a waste of time really. But they won’t be hard-up or anything because of the new Universal Credit.

But this is a big and great move for the Royals. Capitalising on Harry’s massive popularity by marrying him off to a half-black divorcee. How right-on and Islington-council-circa-1974 is that??I mean, in the absence of any potential ‘trans’ thing for the Prince to woo, she ticks a lot of boxes that have previously been off limits, royally speaking. Oh, and she’s pretty gorgeous too. Which helps. As she’s going to be even more all over the papers for the next 18 months than she has been in the previous.

Can they use ‘H&M’? I wonder.

Happy Tuesday

A xxxx