I don’t think I’m a bad person. I love my family. I give to charity. I help old ladies across the street. Then mug them. I give people the benefit of the doubt. Then hit them anyway. And I try to do the right thing at all times.

So why does it make me so happy when Arsenal lose a game of football? It was a cup match. It didn’t have any effect on me, my life, my team, my wife, nothing. Yet I was happy for them to lose. Maybe (he says trying to justify the indefensible) because it will affect their confidence which in turn will indeed help Spurs in the league.

Yet even if it had no effect there either; I’d be happy. Deliriously, deliciously happy. You’re right, I must be a very bad person.

And I take my punishment for it. If not exactly like a real man, then at least like a snivelling little 7 year old girl.

I’m punished by my car. Which, like me and many other things that are very old and very beautiful, is a little idiosyncratic. To say the least.

The problem stems from water. Everywhere, but ne’er a drop to drink. I don’t wanna fucking drink it, I wanna dry car. Water leaks into the boot. From where we do not know. And in the boot, buried, is a special pump. A vacuum pump. Oooohhhhh. And when it gets damp it blows a little fuse. Which affects the central locking system, the roof won’t come down and other little things don’t happen that should. But that’s ok. I keep a box of those fuses in the car specifically for the purpose, and the fuse box is located just behind the driver’s seat and the process takes (now, after doing it 235 times) about 30 seconds.

Then last week something really odd occurred. The central locking didn’t work. Fine; change the fuse. But the fuse box wouldn’t open. Nor the glove box, the central console or the boot. All centrally locked. Seemingly on a now permanent basis by the wonderful little pump in the boot. And the petrol filler cap; locked. On a car that does about 7 miles per gallon. Ahh, but there’s a manual petrol cap release. Its inside the boot. Which is also locked.

I found a mechanic who knows the car. Its not an uncommon problem. He was old. Like the car. “Need to change the fuse, mate”. I can’t open the fuse box. “Oh”. “Never mind, there’s another way in”. Ahhhhh, this is what we wanted to hear. As long as it wasn’t followed by ‘just take out the seats, remove the exhaust, lift the camshaft…’ Or worse still: ‘just costs £4,073.27’.

There’s a panel. Looks like trim on the side of the fuse box. Pulls out. Eureka. We changed the fuse and the world was sunny once more. And to prove it, I could even take the top down. And THEN, better still, Spurs won at Villa Park and went within 2 points of Leicester, 6 above Arsenal. I know, they have a game in hand. But that’s really only relevant if they win it.

Happy unlocked Monday, or ‘Mel’s birthday’ as its known round here.

A xxxx