Whilst Jesus was just coming up for resurrection, at the same time of year (but a thousand or so previously) Moses was leading his Jews out of Egypt. Out of bondage, slavery and the whole 50 Shades thing but on an industrial scale by the rotten, evil Pharaohs (boooooo). Which is why this time of year sums up everything great about religion. The food.

The Jewish bible is basically a rather long and drawn out and very cryptic cook-book. It tells you what to eat and how to eat it. All through the year. Preferably without stopping. Some people choose to pray and stuff in between the meals, but I’d rather not. I’m too religious and therefore head straight to the chicken soup, knocking the rabbi onto the floor reaching for the fish-balls.

We don’t do the whole ‘Jesus thing’, obviously, even though he was ‘one of our own’. He was just another naughty Jew picking and choosing the bits of the religion he liked and ignoring the rest. He was another Bob Dylan, Woody Allen, Mel Brooks without the slapstick. And we don’t do Jesus because we can’t believe in immaculate conceptions and ‘sons of God’ and reincarnation.
They stretch anyone’s imagination, let alone belief. And as a pragmatic race, the Jews would rather stay grounded with the Red Sea parting and the angel of death striking all the Egyptians’ first born, passing over the Jewish homes. Which the angel knew because they were all watching the golf.

But we’ll take the Easter Eggs. Oh my, yes we’ll take those Easter Eggs. Or, as they have to now be called in this (stupid, hypocritical, post-PC, totally fucking moronic) world: Eggs. Or Chocolate Eggs. Just don’t mention ‘Easter’ in this ‘Christian Country’. Presumably you now go to the bakers to buy buns. Do you want hot crosses, stars or crescents? What about the Hindus? Hot elephant buns. Thank you.

But we can’t eat them, whatever logo they carry. Because its passover tonight and we don’t eat flour products for a week. We all play at being glutards. Because when the Jews left Egypt they didn’t have time to leaven their bread. If Mary Berry had been there instead of Moses, would have been a different story. And like all religions, taking the quaint and pleasant symbolism of a jolly festival and extrapolating it to the point where it becomes painful and stupid is what we do best. So strictly, we don’t eat anything that may have even come into contact with flour. Like Easter Eggs. Someone might have spilled a bag of self-raising all over the fucking chocolate. Happens all the time, I’m sure.

Some of us aren’t quite as observant in this as others. Particularly when EASTER eggs are concerned. I’ll say no more.

Jesus died to save you. Moses ate cardboard for a week to save me.

Happy Passover

A xxxx