Sharks get a very bad press. And its just not fair. And its all because of the wrong kind of music.

When you watch an animal documentary, an Attenborough or some such, for long stretches there’s no narration. They play music instead. So as they show all those brightly coloured tropical fishes nibbling their merry way happily round the lovely, pretty coral, in a bright, shiny and beautiful way, the soundtrack is obviously representative. A nice bouncy bit of the Nutcracker. Tie a yellow ribbon. A nasty, muzak-elevator version of ‘I just called to say I love you’. You know, something really nauseatingly sickly and ‘nice’.

Then the music suddenly changes. It becomes dark. It becomes brooding, menacing. And you know, long before any visual confirmation, that there’s a shark around. Its not an internally genetic protective DNA thing, its not a way of safeguarding yourself and your family, mainly because, and I hope you realise this, sharks themselves don’t actually play that music to herald their arrival, the tv does that. But you know its a shark. And you run. Behind the sofa, anywhere. Or swim. Behind the sofa…

Its not genetic; its Jaws. That piece of music. If I had the technological ability I would put that at top of this blog instead of the picture. But I can’t be fucking bothered. You know the music anyway. Everyone does. If you missed the movie go to Universal Studios and take the ride. Loud booming music and the shark appears.

Interestingly they now play the same music when Putin appears. Or Arsene Wenger.

So ‘scientists have now shown’ (zzzzzz) that people’s view of sharks is greatly tainted by their widely accepted soundtrack. That if you show people film of sharks accompanied by nasty music, their perception of sharks is a bad one. Whereas, if you show them the film to the accompaniment of something light and airy, they rated their opinions of sharks much more positively, they felt far less threatened by the Great Whites of this world.

Which is all just so much total bollocks. Why would they want to change our perception of sharks? Its like changing our perception of house fires, child molesters, Chelsea fans. These things are fucking dangerous, with or without music. Every beach in Australia has a fucking great, reinforced steel ‘net’ going half a mile out to sea to protect bathers. Not from music, even though it can get pretty loud on some beaches, but from sharks. The ones that attack about 30 people a year in Aus alone.

So next time you’re out catching a few waves in Bondi/Martha’s Vineyard/Cape Town, and you see a massive dorsal fin coming towards you at some speed, just change the track on your waterproof ipod and you’ll be fine. See if your change in perception will have any effect at all on the fucking great, man-eating, 18 foot monster baring its teeth at you.

Happy Shark Day

A xxxx